Dad becomes confrontational and continues to my breaking point. No escape. How do I control my anger?

A few observations about posts that crop up all the time on this site, not just this particular 'feed'. One, everyone is looking for help with something and we have a lot of issues in common, often. Next, no body every knows from a family dynamic standpoint what someone else is going through, especially someone from a fairly functional, respectful and non dysfunctional family versus one full of dysfunction and issues like truly NPD parents or other family members. A person whose parents have been for the most part loving and caring and they 'change' due to true dementia issues have no idea what it is like when you have had a mean, selfish, or cruel parent most of your life who moves into an even worse dimension.
My husband and I married 12 years ago (almost did 30 years ago but we had six kids who were young between us and that is a whole other story). I AM that person HEART2HEART mentions above. My mother told me about 15 years ago as breezily as if she were ordering a sandwich "I don't think I ever really bonded with you as a baby" as an excuse for her nasty behavior toward me. I have bent over backwards all my life and a few years ago, I called it quits. I really can't say that I love her in any other sense than that, as a Christian, we are called to 'love our enemies' and I pray for her and do not have contact with her. If you have never been the 'target' of a person like this, you have no idea. My husband, twelve years ago, urged me to 'try' with my mother again. For him, I did. He said "I could not believe it could be as bad as you said then. Now I realize it was so much worse. I have never seen a mother treat her daughter the way your mother treats you".
I would make sure my mother had care, I would advocate for her with health care givers and professionals, I would make sure she was 'warm and safe'. That's about it. She is jealous and cruel every chance she gets, with me, and I refuse to let ANYBODY treat me that way. It took years for me to feel ok about myself. Fortunately I had the most loving and fantastic grandmother growing up, and thankfully she lived right around the corner. Everyone loved her. She was my true 'mother' and role model. So, my 'mother' died 22 years ago and I miss her all the time. The best I can do with the woman who gave me life is be thankful that she did and to forgive her in my heart. I no longer feel I have to 'make her proud of me' or 'like me'. Let alone love me! I can live with that. My heart is in the right place, I know that. And I am pretty sure hers never was. But my advice, particularly for someone who has a child of their own to care for, is that your child(ten) come first, your family/spouse. They come first. You should always do the right thing. But you do not have to serve yourself up or show your kids that being abused is fine.

I ask if your Dad has dementia because this does not sound like dementia-related behavior. This sounds like the behavior of a disturbed and controlling person; it also sounds like this is a pattern that is of long standing. It reminded me chillingly of my ex-husband, who was physicially and verbally abusive. It took me 24 years and 3 kids to get up the nerve, but I finally called the police one night when he started beating up our eldest because she had fallen asleep in the back of the car and wasn't answering his question. I told him that night that if that ever happened again, he wouldn't like what happened. Well, he did it again, this time my son called the cops. My daughter reported in school what was happening. Child Protective Services was called and paid a visit. I am a mandated reporter of child abuse because of my job and was told I could lose my license due to the abuse occuring at home. When this was explained to him, he accused me of loving my job MORE than I loved him, that his actions were entirely justified. I finally saw the light.

GC, you really need to get this situation under control. You are an adult and have a responsiblity for the physical and mental well being of a minor child. If your Dad is behaving like a 2 year old spoiled brat and threatening your 8 year old, then you're not doing what needs to be done. Get yourself (and your son) some therapy and figure out where Mom and Dad need to go.

GC, DOES your dad have dementia?

Your social responsibility is towards your son who is a child and can't help himself. Your father can help himself and whilst the decision may be difficult because of the emotion involved, you really have no choice. If you don't want to scar your son with these memories, you have to ensure that there are no such memories. Remove yourself from this situation now whilst you still have the strength to do so.

I don't think "Garden" meant to insult you. I think she meant to advise you of a primary responsibility to your son. I'm sorry you felt insulted; and I know how frustrating some folks can be for those who try to care for them. When "I" wrote in a couple months ago, these people on the site really saved my life, in a very real way. Sometimes they are blunt to get us to realize certain things that they "see" that we are not able to see. It was that way in "my case". There is SO much emotion attached to taking care of aging parents that, sometimes, the emotions blind us! Also, sometimes we need a break... and also, "everyone" is not cut out for caregiving... no matter how much we love them. Like Clint Eastwood said, " A man's gotta know his limitations." I'm not criticizing you; I only realized HOW dysfunctional my family was when this site's very generous respondents gave me that clue. I wish you luck with your son, first.. then your father.

GCC!!!,
I GET IT, I GET IT. I spend all my days hiding things from my mom, only to protect her, and make sure she is OK. I moved in with her 8.5 years ago, thinking it would be for a short period of time. We had always been close, yet, upon this change seeing her day to day I knew somthing was wrong, really wrong. I started keeping a journel, due to the fact I was so upset about what I was seeing and hearing, I felt like I WAS LOSING IT. Date, TIME, HOUR OF THE DAY AND WHAT HAD JUST TAKEN PLACE, in that, the journel will help you if you need to get a clear vision upon talking to a Dr, about his issues first.

As I am typing this I am trying to get mom ready for bed, a huge challange HUGE. Often, some think it is Dementia, yet, it is Alzheimer's which is a type of Dementia. I read a lot, so having seen an article, one of many recently stating that by not giving Alzheimer's a face, many have little understanding.

So, I am going to ask you a few questions, so do not get upset with me, for I GET IT.
Did you have them move in do to your need for financial help, emotionlal needs, or their needs? The reason I am asking is that you said " no way out". I am in a situation that has many layers, in that yes, money is an issue, but, also guilt, that is for me, not you.There may be help that you may not even be aware of. I get that saying too much can feel intrusive, and this may not be, after what you have heard the best platform, let me know. I have no idea if we can email without this site, yet, if possible I could try to help you get hold of the best agencies to help. Like an onion, this is just not one sentence,or one persons issue this is a generation of families with many dealings yet to come.

I had heard it said, that the multi-generational families living together is higher now than the 50's. I can say, with Dementia's increasing, this number of families living together, coping, anger, fearfull and sad will only increase.This issue, if indeed your father has a diagnoses, as you said will only get worse.Again I have one more ?, do you have the type of relashionship with your mother that you can talk to her about him, and what could be of some help?. If you can, and depending on how the situation is between them, perhaps, she is the conduit for your issues.

I Hope to Hear From You, Best That Each Day Will Give You!!!!

RonnieBray - You said "We do not get angry with people we love unless we first stop loving them."

Are you married? Do you have children? Have you ever been angry at your wife or kids? Does that mean you stopped loving them? People get angry at their loved ones all the time. Guess what? Anger is a secondary emotion. You need to dig to find the primary emotion. Insecurity, fear, grief are often the primary emotions. Anger is easier for people to deal with, so that is what is expressed.

I'm in 90% disagreement with Ronnie... Parents can play a 'select child' of theirs like a fiddle and test them to the fullest at times. These 'children' are not children anymore and like gcc is trying to bring up a 'child' of her own. Yes, we love our parents... It's apparent to those of 'us' that are on this site, giving our 'all' (while trying to live our own live) that we do... We're living proof... But, remember it is the caregiver that gets sick a lot of the times and even sometimes dies trying to 'help'. Easy on the caregiver here.

If your dad has dementia he shouldn't be driving you any place. If he doesn't and he acts this way, DISTANCE yourself and your child. Your kid is your first priority and you need to put parenting first. My mother behaves this way and always has. I would never let her live with us and I now rarely have any contact with her.

There are those people who thrive on feeling angry. Maybe because they get a little adrenaline rush and it increases when they can get a reaction from others. Just like anxiety can be catching so can anger and they are both destructive emotions when not used correctly as nature intended. So to get that "feeling" some attack their loved ones because who else is going to deal with it? Cannot change them only yourself by refusing to engage in the sick game.

gccdaugter,
Has your dad been diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer's? If so, this is something they go through and it only gets worse before it gets better. I have some advice if he has been diagnosed with this.

Dear gccdaughter, I've been thinking about your post and want you to know how much I care about what you are going through. If I were there with you I'd give you a big hug and tell you that it's gona work out. I have a difficult person that I work for and she knows how to push buttons like ur dad. Sometimes I think my head is going to explode but GOD sees me through the difficult days. I hope there is a way for you to live somewhere else with your little boy soon, and I will be praying that GOD will make a way for the both of you. GOD bless you, BE still and know that GOD is for you and he loves you more than you will ever know.

Now that I am no longer in the situation, I can see the irony in MIL getting angry when I did not rise to her baiting me. According to her standards, I am unable to make rice properly. When I did not get upset, or hurt, or care, she became angry. My point is, some people WANT to be angry. The nicer you are, the angrier they get. I do not think there are many people out there like her, but I know there is at least one! I am curious about a couple of comments, if we are talking about an elderly man with dementia, would you seriously suggest someone lock him out of the house? I am not certain, but that sounds like an action that would have poor consequences. If a life is in danger and you need to call 911 for protection, you might be excused by the authorities for locking the door. Otherwise, I think you would want to request help with the situation before anyone's well being becomes an emergency. Just my thoughts based on my limited knowledge. Shared with care.

GC: I don't know what stage of dementia your dad is that. I DO know that this is a horrible disease and I also know that if you Dad is physically attacking you and verbally attacking your son, the time is FAR past where he needs to be in a facility. Call APS, call his doctor, and get the ball rolling before someone at your son's school calls Child Welfare. You could lose your son to the foster care system. I don't think that's what you want. Dad needs professional care at this point.

Do not let that man back in your house. Something is defiantly wrong. I don't see anyone attacking you. Your first responsibility is to your son. Then, your mom. I imagine that this behavior out of your dad, is no different than he has always been. It may be getting worse, though. He has already jeopardized your safety.

Gcc: I'm relatively new to this blog and find myself in similar situations as you do. I am the only surviving family member and my dad lives in his home. I have been travelling to dad's home to help him for the past 17 years. He has dementia (probably stage 4) and is also alcoholic.
I am learning how to control MY reactions so not to set him off. He is 85 and losing his memory is scary and dying is even scarier to him. He is the last one of both his family and my mom's family. So I can understand how he must feel.
I have started going to Al Anon and they are helping me realize that I cannot control my dad but I can control myself.
Now this may not be exactly your situation but I do want to encourage you to go to a counselor or maybe even Al Anon. Has you dad ever drank or taken drugs? Our behaviors were learned as children because we had to deal with family issues we shouldn't have. I am a parent pleaser. I have spent my whole life trying to make my parents happy.
Also, perhaps other posters are right. Is there a way to change this situation? I know that I am making tough decisions I never thought I'd have to about my dad. Putting him in a care home will be the hardest decision I will make. He will fight me I know.
There is a good book, it is Christian, just so you know, titled "Boundaries". It helps us to realize how we should and should NOT react or allow ourselves be drawn into. You may find a used copy at Goodwill.
I hope I have helped you in some small way. For me, realizing that I am dealing with someone who is not thinking correctly, due to alcohol and dementia, is helping me change the way I react to him. I was worried about lying to my dad and the Alz. Assn. counselor told me they call it "Compassionate Conversation". My dad wants me to live on his property and keep the "family home" after he dies. I used to try to reason with him telling him the whole financial aspect of it all (My brother's heirs get 1/2; they can't afford the home and I'm not sure I want to live in that town) and he wasn't satisfied with the answer. He keeps asking and asking. So now I am telling him I (and my family) are moving there and living and renting the home I have. It may/may not be true but it is a compassionate answer because it relieves his mind.
Dealing with dementia is like dealing with a child. You have to figure out how to tell them no without them having a temper tantrum.
I don't know why you couldn't go to McDonalds. I'm sure you just wanted to get home because you felt bad from your procedures. But, perhaps going through the drive through, if he would have agreed to that, would have been a better move than what actually happened.
But again, I agree with other posters, I think because of your son, some decisions need to be made.
Hope this helps,
Janny

You did not say in the original post that your father has dementia. However, I'm not sure his actions are dementia related. It sounds more like he is a controlling & manipulative person who likes to inject drama into the situation when he can't get his way. You call his behavior "antagonistic". Has he been like this all his life? Was he like this when you were growing up? And how did/does your mother deal with it? I would have a hard time believing that this behavior is new. You said that his behavior is getting worse, & that could be the dementia. Whatever it is, stopping the car & having to walk home with your mother & 8 year old son after having surgery & anesthesia is a very dangerous situation. You should have called a cab to pick you up & drive you home & said nothing when you got home. You should have walked in the door & closed it behind you & let your father drive away.

If your father was doted on by your mother all his life, he may be jealous of the attention your 8 year old son gets. Clearly he has no concern for the health & welfare of an 8 year old if he is okay with him walking home with his grandmother & mother who is recovering from anesthesia. Your priority is your son, not your father. Give your attention to your son & stop reacting to your father & giving him the attention he is seeking by acting out.

If your father is causing the drama in your home to the point where you have to remove yourself from the situation because you get so angry, & if he is targeting your 8 year old son, then it's time to sit him down & give him an ultimatum: Either he cease his irrational behavior or he is going to have to find somewhere else to live, & you will no longer tolerate his infantile behavior. His behavior obviously riles you up & you don't need that in your life. You have a young child to raise----you are not responsible for "raising" your grown-up father. It sounds like when he doesn't get his way, he reacts in such a way that is similar to a 6 year old when they don't get their way.

I don't know why your father was insistent on eating at McDonalds. (I kind of chuckled at the "dine in" statement---I never thought that eating at McDonald's would be considered "dining", LOL) You could have gone to the drive thru, gotten the food & eaten it at home. You also didn't go into the verbal altercation after he decided to take the long way home & what was said. One thing I do know is that if your father does have dementia that is affecting his behavior & it is getting progressively worse, he should not be driving a car. And that is something that should be brought up & discussed with him & his doctor.

When you got home & he was packing his things to leave, instead of reacting & locking the car so he couldn't drive away, you should have totally ignored him. Do not fall for his manipulative tactics. Trust me on this-----I have an extremely manipulative, controlling, elderly mother who exhibits irrational behavior quite frequently. She tries to lay guilt trips on me like she did when I was growing up, & I don't allow her to do that. I do not fall for her infantile actions/reactions when she doesn't get her way. The fact that she has no patience, cannot wait for someone to do something when she wants it done, & has no coping skills is not my problem. What I do, essentially, is ignore her behavior until she gets herself under control. She pulls this act where she won't talk to me & ignores me when she doesn't get her way or when she gets mad---and I just let her do whatever she wants. I go on with my life the way I normally would, I do not pander to her or beg for her forgiveness especially when I've done nothing wrong. That's what she wants. When I do something wrong, I apologize & say I'm sorry, and then I move on with life. I do not fixate on it like she does---I have other things I have to worry about in my life, unlike her. She has nothing else in her life other than sitting in a chair, watching TV, worrying about things that aren't even in existence (like running out of money when she has social security & a pension coming in every month, & the very best health insurance you can get where she pays nothing for office visits, hospital admissions & medications OR the the water heater is going to break (or the refrigerator or the washer/dryer or the cesspool) & she will have to spend thousands to get it fixed. My father died 21 years ago, & left her very well set up where she doesn't have to worry about anything. She is much better off than the majority of seniors. But she makes up things to worry about & get stressed out over because she has nothing else to do.

By reacting to your father, getting out of the car & walking home and rushing to lock the door so he can't leave, you are giving him exactly what he wants: ATTENTION. It's like a dog or other pet----when they do something bad, if you over-react, they are getting attention, and so they may continue the bad behavior just to get the attention. When you're training a pet, you're supposed to reward good behavior & ignore bad behavior. Good behavior gets the pet the attention they want, & when bad behavior is ignored they are not getting attention so there is no incentive for the bad behavior to recur. It's the same thing with your father----ignoring his childish behavior, rather than reacting to it, would probably cease his drama act because he is not getting any attention. Let him take the long way home, let him pack his things & leave without any reaction. It sounds like your mother is pretty fed up with the whole situation, & she knows how to deal with it by removing herself.

To control your anger, you shouldn't get so caught up in his behavior. Let it go. Laugh it off. Let him do what he wants to do. When he targets your son, tell him to knock it off & call him out on his behavior. Tell him that by going after your 8 year old son, he is behaving like an 8 year old & not a grown man.

Obviously you have an anger problem. Deal with it. Change, and do not allow your own feelings to get in the way or having respect for your dad. We do not get angry with people we love unless we first stop loving them.

If you can get out of the car and walk, then you can dine in at McDonald's. See how easy it is?

You blame your dad for pushing your buttons but you know how to push his. Think about this old man and cut him some slack. You could have stayed in the car as he dined in at mac's.

Yes, I know it is a bother, but without bother we wouldn't know we were alive.

You have to respect your dad even when you decide to be angry at him. No one can make you angry unless you want to be angry with them. That's some wisdom from an ancient slave, Epictitus. He understood human nature better than we know ourselves at times.

Get some help with your anger. You will live longer and the people around you will be happier.

Good luck.

I have reached out for assistance from a mental health caregiver to help me deal with my response to the woman who is now my mother-in-law. I asked for help understanding her health and possible mental decline. I realized that I could not change her, but I needed to take care of myself. Please take care of yourself, and very important to you as a mother, your son. Continue to 'vent' here. Ask for suggestions. Everyone here wants you to be well and healthy &&& for you and your son to be happy and healthy. I do not have all the answers you need. I do know this site is a great resource. Everyone here cares about you.

Control your anger?? Wrong question.

Right question: "How do I extricate myself from this nightmare?"

If what you're describing is "life at your house," you're living in a very dysfunctional dynamic. You, deciding to be a caregiver and live in those conditions? Okay. Bringing your son up in that atmosphere? Inexcusable.

Answer-do not ride in a car with your father and always walk away from a possible confrontation with your father. Is there any possibility of living elsewhere with your son. It is a very unhealthy environment for an 8 year old to have to cope with.

Your first responsibility is to your son. If your Father won't visit his doctor this week for assessment, I then totally agree you should just let him leave and lock the door behind him the next time he packs his bags. His next outburst could well turn physical and your son could well be in real danger.

I am sorry you and your child are having to go through this; but the only person that can resolve the situation is you. We are not here to attack anyone but when you are allowing a potentially dangerous situation for a child to continue; our first thought is always what is best for the child. It could be time to make other living arrangements for your parents. Good luck!

I am a counselor and I believe Garden Artist intended to offer guidance that would help you and you internalized the feedback. I believe that your father can bait you because he knows you internalize his projections. I have not met you or your father so I could be off base but I would imagine this pattern did not develop in the last 7 years. I imagine that your Father is struggling with his decline but instead of reflecting on his struggles within himself and adjusting for them he projects them on to you, your child and your mother as a way to create external conflict. So he fights with you and you internalize the conflict. So when garden artist suggests counseling the advise is very good. You need help to set boundaries for yourself and your child and to not allow the situation to escalate. If you learn to set clear boundaries with your Dad and recognize what is yours to address and what is his to reflect on and address you will be much happier. You do not mention Dementia and you say your Dad is driving so I am assuming this behavior from him is not related to Dementia. I think you could use help from a therapist to see this from a different perspective. If I were working with you I would help you recognize what is yours to address and what is not yours, to set boundaries, and to stop internalizing his projections. Saying prayers for you.

It sounds to me like the dementia is progressing. In my Mother's case it took about 2 years to see that she was going downhill — denial is a great mechanism. Then one day I drove with her and was terrified for my life. That was the last time she drove and it was one shit storm for a while. If he is always angry I would protect my child. Don't know if he has gone to a neurologist but that maybe called for if he has insurance and is cooperative — medication can help. This is a great place to vent and we all have different aspects of caregiving styles but none of it is personal. Hang in there, tomorrow might be a better day.

There was nothing in your profile or original post indicating that your father suffered dementia, a major consideration which was omitted.

However, I felt a blunt response would be a wake-up call to the toxic family dynamics, something to make you step back and realize that the situation isn't healthy for you or your family and that the issues extend way beyond controlling "your" anger.

If I had posted something consoling you might not have stepped back to see "after the fact how trivial it all was."

Perhaps now you can see the whole situation in a different light, how your father's behavior is affecting the family dynamics, and think about making some changes to create a more wholesome environment for yourself, your mother and your son.

"But I do thank Garden Artist for allowing me to convey what I took away from the response."

Then my bluntness had some effect, which was what I intended.

gcc, next time he packs, let him go. Just let him go. Focus on your own recovery and your son. Mom is on your side. If you are going to lock something, lock your front door when he pulls out.
You are already halfway there in recognizing that he can push your buttons. Just tell him "I am not buying in to YOUR anger. If you want to leave, don't come back." and leave him to decide his next move. And lock the door.

I came to this site to vent my frustrations not to get attacked adding more pain to my misery. In response to Gardenartist, yes I could definitely go to an Anger management class or two for that matter, or perhaps see a therapist, but for you to personalize it, then I guess every Caregiver who has been in a similar situation of an unbearable! Intolerant hateful parent who suffers from Demencia must also be in need of some sort of psychiatric care themselves. If we can't reach out to others for support who also face the same doubts and challenges from being a caregiver-for our parents, then we all must need to see a Psychiatrist. I thought this site is for one to come, relate to others who are in a similar situation, and take from it a different view. I realize reading other posts that, yes I can react differently, and yes I can control my temper, and I am quite sue that many can relate and say the same thing, "Can I have Handled it Differently?" Of course! I realize after the fact how trivial it all was, but the bottom line is the fact that my fathers behavior is not getting better, it's getting worse. To all those Caregivers who need to vent, I hope you don't take what Garden artist posted Answer as an Insult as I did, But I do thank Garden Artist for allowing me to convey what I took away from the response. I wish all those Caregivers the Strength to Face another day with ease and a light heart. Know that you are not alone, and you can find compassion from the support of a stranger. God Bless, Carry on....

Control YOUR anger? Frankly, I think your whole family needs anger management and therapeutic counseling. And I'm not being sarcastic, just blunt. This whole scenario is hard to believe.