He lives 15 minutes from me. He lives in a 55+ now wants to move 6 hrs away. He had a mini stroke in August and has Meniere’s disease as well as issues with balance and problems remembering things. He doesn’t like the meals where he lives and says the people can’t remember anything. He started looking at apartments nearby, found one but my sisters and I felt it was unsafe. Now he wants to move back to an apartment 6 hours away where he has NO family, where he and my mom lived 6 years ago! We don’t know how to change his mind. He won’t listen to us and says it’s time for him to live his life! When he can hardly do things for himself now.
It would be a remarkably convenient coincidence if the exact same apartment he lived in with your mother six years ago just happened to be available for occupation right now, don't you think?
Which makes me wonder: how much of this is talk, and how much is the basis of an actual plan?
Talking about moving is fine. You can all chat to him about other apartments, places he used to live, places he'd like to live, 'til the cows come home. It will do no harm. It will be even better if you steer the conversation round to "meantime, let's see if there's anything you fancy for dinner on today's menu..."
If your father can hardly do anything for himself, he is not - is he - going to be able to plan and execute his own relocation to an apartment six hours away. So you don't need to do anything, or rather you need only do nothing, and he will sit tight and be fine.
But you cannot change his mind, because his mind is not working. So don't even try; just go with the conversation, do what you can to reassure him that you're listening and you care.
The tables have turned here. You r now the parent and Dad the child. His Dementia keeps him from reasoning. Its not what he wants but what he needs. Like a child, its an immediate thing. He doesn't see its not realistic.
If you and your sisters do not help with this move, what can he do? Certainly he could hire people to move his things, if he is capable, but if his reasoning and memory are problems, more than likely he cannot follow through.
Does he drive? If not, how can he complete a contract or move with a place 6 hours away?
Do any of you have POA? Has a doctor determined whether he is incompetent? If yes to these questions, he should NOT be driving and you should take over his finances so that he CANNOT make any move.
As for the meals, is this 55+ really an IL place? Our mother was in a 55+ community, but other than the condo complex being maintained by a company, it was everyone's own responsibility to care for themselves and the interior of the condos. Even if it is IL, they generally come with a kitchenette. Nothing says he has to eat the meals THEY provide. He can also order food to be delivered if cooking/food prep is something he cannot or won't do.
IF a move is really necessary, help him find a place locally that is safe.
Please take care of yourself. You're doing a great job caring for your husband. Mom will just have to learn from her own mistakes, as hard as this is for her and for her family.
Now for the "little therapeutic lie"
You can move when the doctor says it is alright and when you are better.
That should work at this point. And you keep repeating it...you are not well enough, as long as you are on this medication you can not move....you can not move until the physical therapist says you are able to.....get the idea?
It may be close to when he has to move into Assisted Living or down the road Memory Care. Keep an eye open for other signs of decline. (often when someone says "others can't remember things" that is them forgetting but blaming others...cuz ya know it is never us that forgets it is someone else)
If the 55+ has Assisted Living or Memory Care I would look into that. If not then a move might be in the near future anyway. Because you should start looking.
How is he going to move? Tell him you don't agree with his plan and he is responsible for moving his stuff to this apartment. You will not help him. I doubt if he will be able to figure it out himself.