For years my siblings and I have tried to determine if my dad can do more than he lets on. He is 83 now but when he was in his mid-70s, he was very messy and unorganized (bordering on a hoarder). He would gladly let me clean his house and do his laundry. As he got older, we have hired a housekeeper. Slowly, he is delegating more to his housekeeper. He has her go down to the lobby to get his mail, walk down the hallway to take the trash out. And call his doctors to make appointments because he gets too upset and impatient when he’s on the phone. I believed that he was unable to walk more than 10 steps with his Rollator without having to sit down, making a wheelchair a necessity if he must leave the home to go to appointments. Which makes medical transportation requirement. Recently, one of his transportation services arrived, and said that they were not equipped for a wheelchair, so my father said that he would make himself use his Rollator to get down the hallway into the elevator, and down through the lobby to the front door to his ride. My question is, has he been able to do this all along? If so, why won’t he walk down the hall and take his trash out or go down to the lobby and check his mailbox? Why have the housekeeper do everything and pay her extra? I want him to go to assisted-living because he continues to fall, he doesn’t like to wear clothes unless someone’s at his house he’s constantly in the nude. He’s incontinent, but only wears diapers when he has transportation requirements. It’s depressing to think about and depressing to be around him, I know a lot of people are going through this as well. Usually, he is laying in his bed with his covers on top of them when his housekeeper comes in, so he’s not completely exposing himself. Still I just can’t believe that I’m even having to talk about this with my dad , it’s very disturbing.
With the wheelchair going to his appointments someone else pushes it out of the building to the van and probably wheels him to the doctor's office. That is easy to get used to.
Often as folks age, their executive functioning fades. That means that their ability to figure out what order to do things is problematic. Before you declare dad "lazy" schedule neuropsych evaluation.
"He did not have any physical or even mental deficits afterwards".
What a relief.
Yet..
I'm wondering about depression.
About lack of motivation.
Or, either with insight or unconsciously.. about his recognising what tasks require 'physical strength' or mental strength', tasks beyond his limit or very energy zapping & therefore are *too hard*. Too hard = someone else else can do.
When did he stop dressing? If it's new, maybe he can't figure out how to do it anymore. But he lays in bed naked and is incontinent? Oh my, I just can't imagine how nasty that could be. I'm not built to deal with pee and poop problems from adults.
My mom was very content to be waited upon. But I was like no way, you come out and get your own food and coffee and whatever you need. They need to move around and I did not want her to become even less mobile than she already was or more dependent upon me. No thanks!
AL sounds like a good place for him but I don't know if they'd take him. They'd have to evaluate him and see if he was a good fit. Or if he needs memory care.
Are his legal affairs in order? Will? Power of attorney? Living will? If there is a POA is it activated due to his dementia (I'm assuming) and someone can do all the paperwork after the right facility is determined?
Best of luck!
Then my father, who was a giver, took over and continued to do everything for my mother. He worked full-time and provided for us and yet he had to wash his own jeans and clean the bathrooms because my mother didn't like those jobs.
I was also recruited as a housekeeper and table-setter as soon as I was old enough.
My mother's only response when I asked her why she didn't help her own mother was "she didn't want any help".
My mother's favorite phrase is "I can't". It's gotten her to 96 years old with 24/7 care still in place.
My mother is perfectly fine being carried around on a velvet pillow and at this point in my care-slave life, I'm tired. I have made her do more for herself than anyone in her entire life but that in itself is exhausting.
I can understand taking the easy way when your joints ache with age, or after an acute illness - but a long standing behaviour is how you said, learned.