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Mom doesn't remember being at our dad's service and has us, her children, driving her all over town. oh mom does have Alzeimer's(moderate) at this moment.
she probably has good long-term memories of dad, and no short-term memories (such as his funeral). so you can understand where she's coming from. you can repeatedly tell her that he is gone, but her brain will never remember that. she will continue to ask you about him, just talk about her memories, and don't forget--if you mention that he died, she has forgotten that too, SO, lest she mistakenly re-live his death over & over again, don't dwell on the fact that he is dead. just re-visit the old memories. I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
I have to tell my experience. My mom had dementia. Her brother was long since passed away(30+yrs), and she was close to him. My dad had passed over 10 years. My mom couldn't remember her last sister recently passing.
My sister insisted on reminding her over and over. That just made mom mad. Somehow, mom got confused, and started forgetting dad's passing and then started asking to see her sister and my dad. This ballooned till she decided they were coming to see her each day, visiting her, since I wouldn't take her to them.
Then her dead brother joined this group. Her mind just could not deal with her being the last one. Mom started telling me about the conversations they would have, then would ask me why I didn't join them, and why didn't I make sandwiches and tea for them.
This continued, but mom insisted I not tell my sisters about it. The more grounded in reality you can keep them, the better off they are. This just seemed to push her further into dementia.
I really like NeeSey's solution. I wish I had thought of it way back when. The conversations my mom had with them seemed real to her.
So, I recommend using caution about just continuing to keep reminding her. Maybe put a picture of him up? But 'forcing' her to acknowledge might not be good for her.
I know my answer if very different from the others here. My brother, who lived with my mother for twenty years, died this year and I moved in with her. Everyday she would see prayer cards, photos and reminders of him, and I had to explain the death of her beloved son all over and everyday she was re-crushed again. Finally, I hid every reminder of him, and it solved the problem immediately! I am so sorry for your loss, I have loss several family members this year, it hurts enough without reliving the fresh pain with mom everyday. It's worth a try, you can always bring the stuff out again if it doesn't. Hope this helps.
When you drive your mother all over town, what do you mean by that? Running errands or looking for Dad?
Personally, I think that she should be told that he has passed but there are those who think it's too traumatic and that we should tell a white lie. Was there a program or memory card or obituary from the funeral? If there is something that she can look at and keep referring to, it might help it to soak in. Does Mom live in her own house that she shared with Dad? Being surrounded by his stuff might make it more difficult to know that he's gone. Maybe you can begin cleaning out a few things at a time, you don't want it to be too quick and too traumatic. But eventually it would have to be done anyway. The main question is would it be helpful if she was part of it or would it be better to do it without her. I vote, let her help and even make decisions if she can about where things should go. Like charitable donations or to relatives or sell in a garage sale or things like that.
It's sad that our parents' brains get this way. I don't think there is a hard and fast answer to any question. We just try different things and maybe find something that works - today. And tomorrow it might not. Best wishes.
If you tell her then she'd be upset & would forget. You can always tell her he's out, sometimes you have to do the kinder thing. You can talk about dad, their life together. I know this probably is a very difficult time, just love the parent you have and keep your dads memories close.
I'm so sorry for your loss of your father. How recent was his passing?
If it really is a very short time since, I personally feel that your mother should be reminded, calmly and gently, that he is gone now. Do you have an order of service from his funeral that you could read with her? I appreciate that this is an ordeal, and again I am sorry for it, but this is her husband: it is appropriate for her to mourn him, and it is not fair that the family should feel that they have to hide their own feelings to spare hers.
As time goes on, if she fails (as I'm afraid she probably will) to retain the memory of his loss, then you can work out which stalling and diversion strategies work best to reassure her. But just for now, I don't think you are being cruel if you allow her to experience grief.
Hi Martha, Sorry for you loss. If I were in that boat I think I'd try telling her that "Dad has gone home", and we can't see him right now. But that he is fine, and we will see him again someday. When I was 13 our much loved Great Grandfather died. My Aunt and Uncle asked me to explain it to their small sons, (my little cousins). They thought I might be better at figuring out a way to explain in child's terms since I was young. They knew something serious had happened relating to him ...and they did grasp that concept. They were most worried about him being happy and ok, so that made them feel better. They asked less and less as time went by. Their little brains just weren't processing, "dead" and "no, we'll never see him again", as the adults had already tried to explain. Maybe that answer will work for you too?
This may seem morbid but my mom who also has moderate Alzheimer's and similar memory problems as yours, actually enjoys visiting the cemetery every few months. She talks to her mother and father (my grandparents) and my dad who are all buried in the same plot. She just says hello to them and a little prayer and tells them she misses them. She seems happy after. Sometimes we bring flowers and she likes that too. She doesn't remember anything about dad's passing specifically or the funeral but she does know he's at the cemetery. She doesn't request trips to the cemetery but if we happen to drive by it as it's on a main road, she sometimes just says "Hi" to all of them as we go by or asks if we can stop to see them.
NeeSay that is such a happy solution. If she asks tell her but keep it short and simple. Don't bring it up unless she does. If she is still in the same house take your time removing his belongings clothes etc. leave a few things in the closet and person items in the living room like his glasses and a book. Just little things she can see and touch. emphasizing deth will not help her.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
My sister insisted on reminding her over and over. That just made mom mad. Somehow, mom got confused, and started forgetting dad's passing and then started asking to see her sister and my dad. This ballooned till she decided they were coming to see her each day, visiting her, since I wouldn't take her to them.
Then her dead brother joined this group. Her mind just could not deal with her being the last one. Mom started telling me about the conversations they would have, then would ask me why I didn't join them, and why didn't I make sandwiches and tea for them.
This continued, but mom insisted I not tell my sisters about it. The more grounded in reality you can keep them, the better off they are. This just seemed to push her further into dementia.
I really like NeeSey's solution. I wish I had thought of it way back when. The conversations my mom had with them seemed real to her.
So, I recommend using caution about just continuing to keep reminding her. Maybe put a picture of him up? But 'forcing' her to acknowledge might not be good for her.
When you drive your mother all over town, what do you mean by that? Running errands or looking for Dad?
Personally, I think that she should be told that he has passed but there are those who think it's too traumatic and that we should tell a white lie. Was there a program or memory card or obituary from the funeral? If there is something that she can look at and keep referring to, it might help it to soak in. Does Mom live in her own house that she shared with Dad? Being surrounded by his stuff might make it more difficult to know that he's gone. Maybe you can begin cleaning out a few things at a time, you don't want it to be too quick and too traumatic. But eventually it would have to be done anyway. The main question is would it be helpful if she was part of it or would it be better to do it without her. I vote, let her help and even make decisions if she can about where things should go. Like charitable donations or to relatives or sell in a garage sale or things like that.
It's sad that our parents' brains get this way. I don't think there is a hard and fast answer to any question. We just try different things and maybe find something that works - today. And tomorrow it might not. Best wishes.
If it really is a very short time since, I personally feel that your mother should be reminded, calmly and gently, that he is gone now. Do you have an order of service from his funeral that you could read with her? I appreciate that this is an ordeal, and again I am sorry for it, but this is her husband: it is appropriate for her to mourn him, and it is not fair that the family should feel that they have to hide their own feelings to spare hers.
As time goes on, if she fails (as I'm afraid she probably will) to retain the memory of his loss, then you can work out which stalling and diversion strategies work best to reassure her. But just for now, I don't think you are being cruel if you allow her to experience grief.