my dad has been in a nursing home since may 15th 2012 due to a stroke.he couldn't swallow at first.he's progressed to the degree that he can walk with a walker if accompanied and cansuck on soft cookies or crackers and he's allowed a very small amount of water daily.He can't speak intelligibly but we(my mom and I) usually figure it out.His spelling and speech have ben effected but little else.His mind is sharp and he remembers everybody and all incidents from the past.His long and short term memory doesn't seem to have been effected.he has bene lonely and cries when we see him as he wants to come home.he hates it there and wants to be with his family.he turned 95 in july.his dr syas no he can't leave until he can walk by himself.that's absurd.he's lost so much weight that his legs will never fully support his weight.my mother and I would like to take care of him.we'd like o have a nurse come take care of him for a while in the days and then me and my mom at night.we were told by his nurse at the nursing home that my mother can learn to use the machine that feeds him thru the stomach. apart form that ,she can help him in and out of bed.his dr is deteremined to keep him at the nursing home.my mother and I feel that he'll give up and die if he's left there but that he'd be happier and live longer if at home with family.We are all extremely close as family and he wants to come home and not lay there to die in a nursing home where all he sees is sickness and death.he got across to us las time we visited.he made it very clear and he cried he was so lonely./does the dr have the last say so and why would he expect my mother and I to leave my father lay there and lonely in a nursing home til he simply and silently passes away?that's nothing less than torture.If my dad didn't have such a sharp mind it might not matter so much.but he is still sharp and his memory hasn't been effected which means he wants to be at home and watching tv and doing many of he things he could do before his stroke.no he cant do everything like drive a car and such but he can certainly enjoy the presence of his family and us him. my mother and I don't where to go from here.he want him home and he wants to come home but his dr is not giving in
Do either your mother or you have medical POA and/or durable POA for your dad? If not, I would suggest getting it while his mind is still sound if he can sign for himself. There are some notaries who will come to where you are to notarize such documents. I think you would be the better person to have this for if your mother has this, then who is going to be able to do these things if your mother suddenly died before your dad? Also, do you have medical and durable POA for your mother?
Caring for him at home will be very demanding. At his age at least you know this will not go on for another 20 years. But even a few months of this level of care can wear a caregiver down. Assuming that you mother is close to his age and that you are well past 35 yourself, I really don't think you should take this on alone. But with adequate in-home help and frequent respite breaks you may be able to make it work.
Why not try it out in the nursing home. It sounds like at least some of the staff there think it can be done. Let Mom learn to feed him, and to do it under their supervision. If he is incontinent. both of you take turns at cleaning him up and changing him while there is someone there to instruct and observe. Get him ready for bed. Get him ready for the day. And then realize you would be doing all of this everyday (with whatever help you can arrange). If you still want to do it, line up your in-home help (don't forget respite care!) and bring him home.
The facility's social worker should be able to help you on this journey. See if you can set up a transitional plan with him or her.
Good luck to you. Let us know how this is going for you. We care.