My retired Dad refuses to hire help for my sick Mom, and insists I quit my job to be caregiver. How can I deal with this situation?

Wonderful answers here. By all means, keep your job and move into your career - with the kind of economy we have today, it is NOT an option to move into and out of the job market to do caregiving (and expect anything beyond poverty once you can no longer work) - those days are gone for sure. An employer, whatever they say, wants an employee who is "serious" about their work, not someone they see as more committed elsewhere. And a college degree tends to go "stale" - you have to keep hustling, so to speak. Keep up with the field. It is your father's responsibility to care for, or arrange care for, his wife - I like the idea of letting him fight social services, or whatever. He probably does not want to spend money because he thinks he will live forever, so he figures if he can get anything for free, he is justified. Best not to let him think this is your problem - it definitely is his! As for siblings, they may have good reasons for keeping their distance - you might want to talk to them (NOT including your father or mother) to see what they think. They might help you form a united front against your dad, which you may need if he is the controlling or divide and conquer type of person.

Vaj720 -- yes! This: "Your father can fight them about it instead of you." In caretaking my mom, anything she doesn't like that I can pass off to others, I pass it off. I tell her ENOUGH. Make her do ENOUGH. She hates getting a sponge bath or, heaven forbid! A shower. I just hired a tech to come in to do it once aweek. Let the tech fight with her. (She hardly does.) I'm drill sergeant enough. Intermediaries. Very important in caregiving, in my opinion.

Call social services. They will come to the house and evaluative the situation, just like with kids. They have the power to force care for them and your father can fight them about it instead of you.

I have nothing to add because others have already given you excellent advice and perspective.

DO not put your life on hold for your parents. Do not be guilted by anyone to care for your parents. They have options and they need to make decisions to care for themselves --

You are not obligated to care for our parents because they raised us. They raised us to be independent loving adults that are to live our lives and raise families just as they did. We don't have children to make them slaves or caregivers at our whim. I'm 57 and would never expect this of my children and I've set boundaries with my own 91 yr old mother that if she needs help, I will help her put assistance in place, but I will not quit my job, take leave, or move in or take her in just because she only wants to deal with me vs a stranger.

Please live your life and call your parents, visit when you can. There are many local resources they can tap into, hospice, in home care assistance a few hours a week, etc.

Ps. I know you want to take care of mom, but a she will need increasing care and you can't have a full time job plus care for mom. You know that you won't be able to concentrate if you are worrying about mom at your home or getting calls from a caregiver etc.

They will manage. Step back and let them work this out.

The reason you are being asked so many times about mom's diagnosis and prognosis is just that you might not want to miss sharing her last days with her - not out of guilt but out of love. You should not really have to move or quit your job to become an unpaid caregiver, but you might want to if you know that's the only alternative. If its a big bad glioblastoma multiforme, these are her last days...if it is a benign meningioma they completely excised, she might need some rehab but these are NOT her last days. Some people have been happier that they made that choice under the right circumstances, despite the magnitude of the sacrifices involved.

So, are you between a rock and a hard place as in, my dad is going to domineer and suck the very life out of me if I choose option A, and my mom will die without me at her side if I choose option B? Or are you more free to imagine other possible compromises?

Dad might need to take a caregiver course - they have these in a lot of cities. He could learn to be a caregiver if you say no. I know of men who have done just that, even one right now who is retiring a little early to do more for and with his wife who has MS. Or he could just go on being a complete chauvinistic jerk, of course...so it might seem sneaky, but maybe a family meeting first WITHOUT him would make sense, so he can't play you off each other when you do meet with him having a decent plan of support, which he rejects because YOU and only YOU should quit your job and do it all for him. And if a family meeting is not agreeable to the siblings even once they know what is going on, then you pre-meet with a good social worker or guide to the home care system instead. Failing that, bring your mom to come "visit" with you and maybe just don't bring her back. One of my regrets in life is that I thought too late about bringing my dad to live, probably in skilled care, in Little Rock instead of Pittsburgh, because it was like I was breaking up a marriage. He became ill and died just before the spring break where I was planning to try it - I was researching transportation options and everything. My mom had all but abandoned him and convinced herself that he didn't ever really love her anyways, which I think was just to assuage her guilt and justify the way she used to yell at him all the time as he developed worsening dementia; she even had someone convinced that she was an abused wife, though it certainly looked like she did more of the abusing verbally and emotionally. As far as Dad not caring about her, it was patently not true and it broke my heart but it was no use to argue. I used to just bring pictures back and forth between them, and update them on each other's well-being and progress when there was any. But that said, my point is just that if Mom needs a happier, less oppressive environment, you would not necessarily be wrong to bring her to one. And of course, mom was the one refusing to move to Little Rock out of her comfort zone when it would have been a "good" move, when they still could have a somewhat active life with us and their grandkids and all, and I ended up moving her here alone later after Dad passed on...arrgh. She said it was because "she didn't want to be a burden" of all things...like the long distance routines we did instead weren't. Arrgh again.

To top that off, I did consider moving to Pittsburgh to be closer to them - had several valid reasons not to, besides just not wanting to leave a city and a career I (mostly) love - and not more than a week or so after Mom died, there was an ad in our journal for a job in PIttsburgh in my specialty. OMG, what self-doubt that brought on! I had to admit to myself how much I WANTED to stay where I was, in addition to all the "valid" reasons. I suppose that was a good thing, though I still tend to focus on the things I *don't* love about my job a bit much sometimes.

I hope and pray you can persuade all involved to do something reasonable and life-enhancing all around, and find the strength to weigh all the pluses and minuses and chart a course, however uncertain, you can live with now and in years to come.

When you raise children, you give them choices, which allows them to begin to assert some independence. The trick is to offer only the choices you are willing to accept. I would suggest you use the same approach with your father. "I will do this, or I will do that." (Through this process you are also establishing your boundary lines.) If he refuses to work within those choices or boundaries, the consequences are on him. Call his bluff. Do not allow him to manipulate you. Do not quit your job.

Barb
Author, "What to Do about Mama?"

Was your mom in the hospital recently? If so, call the hospital's social service department and explain that your mom needs caretaking, your dad has the money, but he won't spend it. They'll get involved and get it done.

I would not quit my job and move in with my aged parents...no way, no how. Neither would I recommend it to anyone else.

It is so hard. Been helping my parents for 3 years now and are just plain worn out. My Dad is now in a nursing home and at 91 is doing very well adjusted fine. Now my mother has just gone into the same nursing home she is 86 she is the problem. Was living in a housing of the elderly in her own apartment until a hospital visit in May was doing okay but it has been downhill since then. She refuses help and expects me to do it and if I don't I am a bad daughter and so on and so forth. Spent 9 hours this past Sunday in the emergency room found nothing wrong with her so this just had to end for my sanity. Not happy with the nursing home but I know that it is the best for her and she and my Dad are well taken care of. Have you tried Elder Services in your parents area they come in and evaluate the situation and may help with what they need. You need to live your life. Take care and I hope this all works out for everyone.

Isn'tEasy, well said, to the point and accurate. It does take courage to be that frank and it will take courage for Matie to face this challenge but she'll know that others have been through this and are offering sincere advice.

You don't need a complex answer here. The answer is "no" and you know it. It is not possible for you to quit your job to provide medical care for your mother. Period. If your father thinks that is a realistic option, he is simply wrong. You need to keep that in your head because that is the place you start from to find a solution to your parents needs. Your father can help, get out of the way, or be left to his own devices. They are your parents, not your children.
Your mother knows your father even better than you and she will (though it probably doesn't feel like it) be as much a barrier to finding a workable solution as your dad is because their relationship plays such a huge role. BE STRONG. When your father insists, just say NO. Over and over again until he understands that another solution must be found. Don't let him manipulate you with the nursing home stuff.

Cheri, your friend was absolutely right. But it takes a cool customer to follow it through - don't blame yourself for not quite having had the heart to do it!

My answer is a little less sympathetic. However it is what my friend did & I wish I would have done it with my mom. Where her mother became demanding about my friend doing this or that for her parents my friend told her mother if you can't handle it than you need to move into assisted living. She made it clear that she would not be at her parents beck & call & they needed to take care of themselves.

I sure wish I would have told my mom that!

Mattie: This flips me back 41 yrs when I was a sophomore in college and my middle aged mother was diagnosed with inoperable cancer and given 6 months to live. At age 20, I faced your issue.

Figure out if the tumor is likely cancerous, if it has spread and what time frame you are dealing with for mom. A secondary issue will arise if your mother passes away, namely dealing with your dad's needs. My father took a good 4 years to be able to really function after losing his wife. He was still in his 50's and working so that helped but he remained a loss soul for some time.

I would arrange home health care, offer to pay some of the bill if that helps dad accept it. I am guessing if they worked in a depressed area economically, they may not have much money in retirement to come and go on. They may not have long term care insurance which would be a blessing at this time. Looking forward, I would get dad a policy especially if your mother unfortunately passes on. The rates are high but down the road who will care for him? You will need help then also if you are ever going to have a sustainable work career and family.

In an area which is economically depressed, perhaps a companion to come to the home and help out each day would be possible. This person might be rather inexpensive given the limited work opportunities and if it was a person your parents know/accept all the better. Visiting nurses and PTs could keep a check on Mom's medical issues. If it is drivable, you could visits on weekends to reassure yourself that things are under control.

If your mother is in end stage cancer, and under 60 years old, she may still live past the timeframes or estimates you receive from medical staff. You will get through this experience and continue with your job. At some point, you may need more family leave. If you live/work in California or NJ there is paid family leave. The rest of the states do not have it. You will learn a lot going through this experience, and will lose some "friends" as 20 somethings are active and if you are tied up with caregiving during weekends--they will move on without you.
However, later you will find other friends --I figured I only had one mother so the choice was an easy one. Keep the job as long as you can, get a companion in the home to assist Mom.

I also had another thought: if your siblings are healthy enough maybe you can talk to them until they listen about your concerns. Call a family meeting with your mom dad and siblings on Skype over the phone or better yet in person. Tell them how its making you feel. Tell them about your worries about criminal charges if God forbid something happens to your mom while your away. Tell them about all your concerns. Maybe you can share responsibility. For instance If you have 3 siblings you can have them help with your mom a certain amount of hours a week, month etc.Or you can have your siblings look up different resources that might be able to help. They may be able to find extra info that can help. Also maybe you can have them talk to your dad. He might not listen to you because your the youngest (I'm the youngest in my family as well). Its not fair that he may listen to your other siblings more then you, but if them talking to him will get him to see your side and come to some type of compromise then its worth it. She's there mom too and they all should chip in to help. Its not fair that you should have to give up everything when you have other siblings that may be able to help.
My situation is different, but similar. I was 22 when I dropped out of school for a while and came home to help my mom care for my older sister (she suffered a brain injury 10 years ago). I went back to school and finished but I haven't started a real career yet. My mom was afraid of asking for outside help because people working in the health care field are the reason why my sister suffered a TBI. I change majors to the health care field and surrounded my life with caring for my sister and her daughter. I have three other siblings who barely helped at all and they live no more than an hour drive away. Only one of them comes to help out with housekeeping but everything else is up to my Mom and I. I had no social life for 10 years. I'm just starting to try and get one. I had jobs but none of them worked out. They wasn't careers. I lost most of my 20's and I still do not have a career in my area of study. My job is Care Giving. However, I'm determine to get that dream job I worked for. You have a career at 26 and it seems like you enjoy what you do. I hope that you and your siblings can work something out with your dad. Or even have your mom talk to your dad and tell him what she wants. She is the one that needs care, so she should have a say so in how she receives care. All of the responsibilities shouldn't fall on your shoulders.

Flyer, woo hoo!! A lot of women do go into the "softer" fields of law, the more compassionate ones such as elder law, family law, real estate and banking. And this really is a good fit and provides a softer touch that's often needed in what can be emotionally charged situations.

It takes a different kind of attorney to go into litigation.

You've got a great SO! Can you clone him??

I too went through the "how fast can you type questions" even after I had been a government contracts administrator. I tried to just let it roll off my back. Some people still have one foot in the Dark Ages.

I think today the question might be how fast can you text?

GardenArtist, regarding women today in the field of law, I was searching for an Elder Law Attorney and was happy to see that the vast majority are women, many with their own practices. My significant other actually prefers a woman attorney and women doctors, because he feels they are just as smart but better listeners.

Back when I first was out in the workforce, back in the 1960's [what feels like the dark ages], it didn't matter if I had a degree in business, the Personnel Office wanted to know how fast I could type and if I knew shorthand.... [sigh]

Flyer, it would be hilarious if it weren't so true, wouldn't it? Imagine the contributions suppressed over millenia because women were seen to be the keepers of the home fires.

I think too that some women, especially of our parents' era, are afraid to step out into the business world. I saw that in law - lots of women went to law school but when they found out how grueling and competitive the practice of law could be, some of them became pregnant within a few years and dropped out to stay home with the children.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, but these were the same women would sit and talk about their pregnancies, home lives, etc., instead of putting in the long hours expected of attorneys. Commitment to a career does require sacrifice.

I think there will be a balancing out of women's participation in business as some find that they really don't want to have careers, which is entirely their choice, just as it's the choice of other women to have careers instead of being at home. That's what the women's movement was about - the freedom to make our own choices.

Stepping down from the soap box now...

Do not allow guilt to motivate you. Don't move home,you are an adult, your father can't do anything to you except hit your guilt button.Call adult protective services on him, get someone else involved. Since you have other siblings, what is the reason they don't deal with this.? Why is you father zeroing in on you? Your father could actually be showing early signs of dementia. I would burn up those phone lines with those other siblings and demand they get involved. Don't be a martyr.You would be helping your mother if you did this. I would really be after my siblings, don't take this all on yourself.

GradenArtist, my Dad [92] has that backward thinking, he thinks I should drop my career and be a housewife like my Mother [96]. I couldn't imaging doing laundry, attempting to cook, and maybe put a rug on a clothesline to beat, day after day since I never had children. Imagine hubby coming home from work asking me how was my day..... ARKKKKKK.

Well, my mother has the same old fashion thinking. She doesn't like going to doctors who are women because men doctors are so much smarter.... [sigh]... and Mom doesn't like women sport announcers, what do they know about sports??? Neither Mom nor Dad would vote for a woman to be President, Senator, Governor or Mayor, oh no, that's a man's job.... [rolling eyes]

I love the question "Did you take care of your parents?" My mother, a life long narcissist, wouldn't lift a manicured finger to help her parents even though she lived around the corner with a nice house, big car, money and lots of free time (for shopping, getting her hair done and planning her next exotic vacation). Same went for her MIL who lived about a mile away. She'd say "When your dad goes round there ..." yet my poor father was away most of the week working in the city.

I cared for her for four years of total h*ll, purely out of duty. She's in a NH now and totally expects me to run myself ragged, always at her beck and call. She also thinks if she harps on about it long enough I'll take her to live with me. Bed ridden, parkinsons, strokes, dementia and incontinent, that's never happening! I even changed my phone number to escape her daily screaming phone calls that were making me ill.

Whatever you do DO NOT give up your life and career. Your father is being a selfish bully. If he won't accept outside help, so be it.

Bookluvr, as I read your post I was thinking that chauvinism and sexism are still alive, and that some of the control fathers want to exert over their daughters may arise from the fact that they lived in a time when women were expected to stay home and tend the hearth, and all that stuff. Now their daughters grow up, get an education and have careers that don't include washing dirty dishes.

I don't think some men from that era ever really accepted that women can run this country and businesses better than some men, and that it's a waste of brainpower to be stuck at home doing all the drudge work.

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear that your family is having such a hard time. If your mom has medicare/medicaid health insurance, they may cover the cost for home health aides, nurses, therapist etc. to visit her home and care for her. They should also have a list of individuals who provide the care your mother needs at home. If she doesn't have those insurances she can apply by contacting her local social security office. Also you can visit CMS.gov, contact them and see if they can help your mom apply for the insurances and/or get the services her insurance provides. You can talk it over with your parents and see what they think about the idea. You can also try talking to your dad about your need for income and more importantly, emotional and physical well being. If you quit your job and you are willing to assist with paying for your mom's care (if she doesn't have any of the insurance mentioned earlier or she can't get the insurances), you won't be able to help pay for those services if you are no longer working. Also, you need to be able to take care of yourself financially, physically and emotionally. I learned the hard way that in order for someone to continue to be an effective caregiver, one must take care of themselves as well. I would suggest seeing a therapist to work through your depression and guilty feelings and to continue to help out with your mom as much as possible. But don't stop living your life and doing what you have to do to take care of yourself. There should be non profit organizations where your parents live that can provide at least some of the services she needs. You can ask her doctors if they know of any helpful resources. You can also call United Way at 211, tell them your situation and see if they can provide any suggestions for you and your family.

Best Wishes

My father tried the same guilt trip. I'm here not because of his guilt trip. But in recent years, he wanted more and more from me. I did what you should not do. I stayed home to help my dad with my mom who was diagnosed with dementia. She was a handful and he needed help. I gave up my dreams of moving off this tiny island and move to the US mainland. I wanted to find a job, and on 3-day weekend holidays, take those air/hotel packages. I had dreams of traveling all over the place, see the different 50 states, Europe, Asia, etc.... I wanted to see all the beautiful and unique architectural structures, take tours on buses and hear the juicy details of the history, etc....

Instead, I stayed home, found a job dealing with airlines, and took advantage of weekend sponsored trips to foreign places. Then mom got bedridden. I paid my family of next door (just a couple of feet from us) to come and change mom's pampers while on my weekend trips - which is about once or twice a year. Twice they didn't come until before I arrived home. Dad told me that I can no longer travel because they were no longer coming and mom was soaking wet in her pampers all day Saturday, all night, and all Sunday - until before I arrived. Then next door came and changed her soaking bedding and mom.

Then, it wasn't enough for dad. I could not go anywhere other than work. I had to come straight home. No eating out with friends/family for lunch or dinner or go to family parties/weddings, etc... The noose was slowly tightening around my throat and I tried to fight it - but... the Guilt was so bad. I cried a lot on those times because he would tell me with such emphasis how I was a Bad Daughter.

Soon, relatives and strangers were telling me that I needed to do more. Me! I have 7 siblings. 3 lives here on island, 4 in the states. I stayed home = and all I did was work and home, work and home. And I had to do More??? I cried when I found out he was telling all these people how I was a bad daughter, lazy, etc... and he had to do all the work.

But, that's not enough. Then he wanted me to go from full-time to part-time job. I refused. He has tried both verbally and physically to beat me down. I refused. I did almost snap, when I thought that the only way out of this prison was to commit suicide. I spent months googling the best way to kill oneself without pain (I just did not want to have pain as my very last thought) but 100% fool-proof. I finally found it. It was too much for me. By this time, I was now taking care of Both BEDRIDDEN parents. And still, none of my 7 siblings stepped up to help me.

Please read my story carefully. My father has always been a controller. He did not come out so obvious in controlling me. It was one small thing after another.

Don't use up your FMLA. One of my nephew used up his to go golfing. Then one day, he got into a serious motorcycle accident. He had no more FMLA. He had to take leave without pay to recover from his injuries.

Matie: Follow Jeanne's advice. But, a couple of questions--how old are your parents? What kind of brain tumor? When was it diagnosed and what is the prognosis? It sounds to me as though your Dad is panicking and not thinking this through. There must be resources at the hospital where your mom is being treated (social services, discharge planning, etc) that your Dad you access to find out about care options. You mentioned a nursing home--are you talking about rehab after surgery or long term care? But no, don't give up your job and move home to care for mom. Just not a viable option.

Matie, I am 62, and I think the money they saved was for a rainy day. Tell Dad he's IN a rainy day. It's time. He can get the MD to order a weekly visiting nurse and an aide and pay for it from rainy day money. You have to work now or you won't have anything for YOUR old age. And NOW is when you ask cousins to check in on them, send a casserole, throw a benefit for her, whatever it takes.

Matie26, my Dad had asked me to give up my career many times, and I calmly asked him "Dad, did you quit your job to take care of your parents?"..... of course, the answer was "no".... he never asked me again.

Sounds like your Dad is scared. My Mom acted the same way when my Dad had a heart attack, she didn't want any outside help. Seemed like she only trusted me and my significant other. But either of us were trained to take blood pressure readings or listen to his heart, and we had no training in physical therapy. This was hurting Dad more than helping him.

And whatever you do, do NOT use up all your FMLA [Family & Medical Leave Act]... heaven forbid you have a medical issue where you wish you had those FMLA days.

Your parents are to young to need you to care for them. If you go home, and care for your Mom, then your Dad, you are looking at 30 years of caregiving. Are you willing to give up your chances at a happy marriage and children?Caregiving becomes a 24/7/365 situation very quickly.

What will you live on when you stop caregiving, with no career experience, pension savings , and no social security earnings. Is it ok with your parents that you sacrifice your happiness and impoverish yourself to take care of them?

Your father has options, home care or assisted living. Most caregivers give 3 to 5 years of their retirement to care for parents in their late eighties, or nineties. I am quessing your parents are 65. Thirty years is too great a cost. This is your father's problem, not yours.

Before you make such a drastic move, find a good therapist to help you handle the situation, and free you from guilt and excessive obligation. I will keep you in my prayers.

JeanneGibs - love your response.
(Wise words of good balanced advice for you, Matie26.. )

You have gotten good advice, surprisingly consistent. Much of it is from posters who have been there, done that. My offering is that of an observer and a long-time reader of this forum.

1) Do not put your own life on hold. Don't give up your job. Don't sacrifice a social life. Do the things you need to do at this stage in your life. You are responsible for your own support, your own future, your own happiness.

2) Recognize that something has to give. You can't charge full steam ahead in building your career, have an active and meaningful social life, and be involved in the lives of sick parents. You can't do it all at peak performance level. Just be careful to balance out things so all the "give" does not come from one area. Maybe the career has to slow a bit, but it shouldn't stop. The same goes for your social life. Of course you have a daughterly interest in your parents' wellbeing, but you should not sacrifice the other aspects of your life to focus on just that.

3) You are not responsible for the decisions your siblings make regarding their participation in your parents' lives.

4) Don't even think of abandoning your mother. Continue to advocate for a good solution for her. Visit. Phone. Offer her love. I don't think anyone is suggesting that you turn your back on her. You both deserve a quality life. Don't sacrifice yours for hers. Contribute to hers in meaningful ways.

5) Do not even think of moving home. That can work out well in some special situations, but you are still struggling with establishing your adult independence. Move make into your childhood home and you will move back into the childhood role. Your father is an expert at pushing your guilt buttons. (He should be. He helped create them.) Just don't do it!

6) Having your parents live with you might be a little less dangerous, but it is far from ideal. And on a practical level, if Dad can't care for Mom by himself in their home, how could he do it yours while you work?

7) Your mother's well-being is your father's responsibility. This isn't the elder years he envisioned for them. It is so impossible to know what the future holds that the traditional wedding vows cover multiple possibilities. The union is to last "in sickness and in health." And if sickness comes, that makes many things worse and it definitely has a huge financial impact. So we promise to remain steadfast for better or for worse and for richer or for poorer. This is your father's responsibility. Shame on him for trying to bully you into thinking it is yours. He doesn't want to spend his money for his wife's care, but expects you to give up your wage-earning potential to provide it? I don't think so!

Would Dad take suggestions better from someone who wasn't "just" his youngest child? If you can get one of his peers to talk to him, that might help.

Don't abandon Mom. Continue to help in reasonable ways. Be very careful to keep it reasonable.

You are 26. Your parents have perfectly good care options that do not require your to be there. Meanwhile there is the telephone, the internet, the carrier pigeon - every modern convenience for keeping in touch with your mother (and I am very sorry for her troubles) and letting her know a) that you care about her and b) about all of the interesting things that are going on in your life, which is what every mother wants to hear.

So. Enjoy your first proper job. I wish you all the best in your chosen career.

And, by the way, NOBODY would even think of asking a 26 year old son to do that, now would they? Eh?