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It is with heavy heart to say my husband passed away on Thursday with his struggle with dementia. I was his caregiver for 3 years. Around the clock care even getting to the cleaning up the poop stage (something I thought I never could do) He got an IUT and medicine that didn't help, so hospice came in the last 2 days day and night. My daughter told me I needed to give him the medicine and the boost so he would get better. I was told not to give him anything if he choked. And he was choking on water. So there he lay in the bed and a nurse came in and my daughter lunged at me and said "she is trying to kill my dad"...I was horrified. I was with this man 60 years. I loved him. Nurse told her he would choke, but she wouldn't listen. They say hearing is the last to go...Did he hear her...what did he think if he did? I was the only one he really cared about, I was always first for him. That memory of him in that bed and her attacking me made a beautiful passing a nightmare. The nurse said they would have to report it, and then after that they sent 2 nurses instead of one because of her behavior. They said if she did it again they are obliged to call police. She ruined the last few hours of his death, I am struggling to forgive her, I don't see it happening anytime soon.

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Your daughter was wrong for attacking you and the nurse. Both of you were trying to help him at the end of his life. He would have choked had you given him something to drink. His dementia interfered with his ability to swallow. He was never going to recover regardless of how much Boost he had.

I am so sorry for you that your daughter behaved that way during her dad's final hours. I think you need to leave her be and focus on healing yourself from this tremendous loss. She will have to do the same. I hope she comes around and realizes how wrong she was in doing and saying what she did. She owes you an apology.

You also do not have to allow her to treat you badly. I think you have every right to be firm with her if she does verbally attack you again and quickly end the conversation with a firm "You will not speak to me like that!" and hang up.

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself and not for her. Holding onto anger will not help you. It can be hard - and waves of emotions will pull you back and forth - but time will most likely heal this rift.

May your husband's memory be a blessing to you.
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Wow. How sad for all involved. It sounds like your daughter was in denial that her father was dying, and just felt that perhaps if he had something to eat or drink, it would make him all better. I get that. Death is often hard for a family member to accept. I went through a similar situation, when my husband was in his 6 week dying process. He had already stopped eating probably for 2 weeks already, when my daughter(my husbands stepdaughter) was here visiting, and she asked me if I was at least offering my husband something to eat. I told her no, that he hadn't eaten for many days and that forcing him would be very dangerous. She still felt that I should at least try. I know in her reasoning, as with your daughters, they just felt that if their loved one was getting some nourishment of some sort, that perhaps it would turn things around. Please don't hold that against her. She only said those words out of love, and her deep grief, in the thought of losing her dad, as she wasn't ready for him to leave her. Everyone reacts differently when faced with the death of someone close. I know that her words hurt you, and that you feel that she in some way ruined your husbands last few hours of death, but I'm hoping in time, that you and your daughter can reconcile, as she needs you now more than ever, just like you need her too. May God comfort you, and give you His peace in the days, weeks, and months ahead.
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NYDaughterInLaw Feb 2021
We went through something similar when my MIL died. She had a neurodegenerative disorder that caused, among a host of other issues, dysphagia. Family members had their opinions. It got to the point where I couldn't take their butting in anymore and I snapped back "You're not helping!". Saying "she is trying to kill my dad" is beyond the pale and it should not be excused away. The daughter is not a child. Grief or not, she owes her mother an apology.
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I’m sorry for your loss. Clearly your daughter has been very much in denial about her father's true condition, she was waiting on a miracle that was not coming. In time she will come to accept that, but even if she doesn’t, it’s not on you. If she’s willing to talk with hospice and have a better explanation given to her, along with some grief counseling, that would be wonderful for her. You are to be commended for providing loving care in a horrible time and I’m sure your husband knew your love. When my dad was dying on hospice care in his home I was also told that “hearing is the last to go” thing. I remain pretty unconvinced after walking through this, 24 hours before he died the hospice nurse kindly told me that in most ways he was already gone. There was no sign that he heard us or was understanding anything. I believe the person had left and the body hadn’t quite caught up. In any case, I hope you don’t let the record play over and over in your mind, and I wish you peace and comfort
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I too am sorry for your loss. I wish the Nurse had walked your daughter out of the room and explained to her what happens when someone is actively dying. TG the nurse was there to back you up.
You can forgive your daughter that she was not in her right mind. But, she owes you a big apology. I would not be the first to apologize. You say nothing about her being there to help or see her fathers decline. Hospice offers grief counceling. Ask if ur daughter can take advantage of it. If so, have them send her a letter telling her what they offer for families.
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BurntCaregiver Feb 2021
No. The daughter does not owe her an apology. By reading the post and how she speaks about her daughter and the obvious competition she's in with her over the father's love and who he loved more, that daughter didn't have much of a mother. She owes her kid an apology.
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I am sorry about your husband passing away but he's at peace now.
If his dementia was as advanced as you're saying and he was at the point where he couldn't even take a drink of water without choking, then don't worry about what your daughter said. Even if he heard her, he didn't understand and certainly would not remember.
If I may ask a question. Was your daughter also your husband's child or someone else's? You say you're the only one he really cared about and that you were first in his life before others.
What a terrible and selfish thing to say and I certainly hope you don't say this to your daughter. I ask this because if you loved your man so very much for 60 years, it seems strange that you would be in such competition with her over his love and affection. At this time mothers and daughters normally would be mourning together and trying to comfort each other. Though I think you very likely do and probably have throughout her whole life.
Is it possible for you to understand that you're not the only person who lost someone? Your daughter lost her father. It isn't just about you. As for your daughter "attacking" you. Did anyone like the hospice people or even your yourself think to take a few minutes and explain to your daughter what was going on and what her father's wishes were? I'm thinking probably not.
Your husband is gone and your daughter's father is also gone. Maybe now would be a good time for both of you to put your BS aside if possible and help each other grieve and heal.
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First, I am so very sorry for your loss. And I am very sorry that your grieving process now has this additional heartbreak added to it.

Even IF your husband heard your daughter, I am sure, were he able to speak his mind, he would tell you he knows you took care of him, you loved him and wanted what was best for him. I will even say that your daughter also loved her dad and wanted what was best for him - but I agree with NYDIL that she owes you an apology - a BIG one - because grieving or not, those comments were completely uncalled for. And her near-violence is even more beyond the pale!

I can understand how you feel about forgiveness not happening soon - and that doesn't make you a bad mom. You are also deep into the grieving process - and have been there for some time, I imagine - and you need time to adjust to your new normal now that your beloved husband has passed. Please don't give short-shrift to your feelings; don't allow your daughter to make this all about HER and her feelings! Not that I am advocating holding onto this anger forever - I agree that that would not be healthy for you - but people have this habit of jumping on those of us who are legitimately angry at a loved one, telling us we should "forgive" long before we are ready too, or even should. In my own experience, sometimes giving the appearance of forgiveness too soon leads to festering feelings of resentment, and that's not healthy, either!

Your daughter needs to learn that words mean something, and she needs to learn to think before she speaks! Her accusation was utterly horrible - it wasn't a passing comment, made unthoughtfully, it was absolutely an accusation - and if you feel it is necessary for your own mental health to call her on her behavior, then by all means, you have that right.

I wish you peace as you grieve. (((hugs)))
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Sorry, forgot to answer your question. Even if your husband heard her, I am sure he could not process what he heard. He just heard her voice.
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I'm sorry to hear of the drama that surrounded your husband's passsing.

When my daddy passed, all of us were there and one sister (of 5 siblings) was really, really struggling with what was happening. Dad had a DNR and was not receiving anything but what tiny sips of water or gatorade he could swallow. Earlier in the week YB (who is an EMT) gave him one liter of saline--just so he would not pass on Christmas Day. Sis wanted round the clock fluids and tube feeding. Her opinion was quietly dismissed.

Well, she didn't get what 'she' wanted, but dad had peace. We made sure she wasn't in the room if she got hysterical.

I truly think dad was hovering between the two worlds--this one and the better one we all hope for.

Time will heal this. Don't bring it up. Your daughter will come to terms, eventually over what she perceives as 'terrible care'.

YOU know you did the right thing.

Life is funny--your daughter will come to accept this and as she has more life experiences, her attitudes will change. Forgive her--for loving her dad so much she felt compelled to attack you--completely out of order and very thoughtless--but in the moment--I'm sure she felt impotent and scared.
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He is at peace now, and so sad to see how the relationship with your daughter has deteriorated to this degree. What he heard or didn't hear before he passed isn't relevant now, since everything is crystal clear to him now that he's in spirit form, no longer tied down to the physical world.

Your husband understands EVERYTHING now, how you felt & what you did when he was dying, how his poor daughter felt and how hysterical she was, all of it. No worries. The whole situation he is able to see with perfect clarity now, through his soul's eyes.

My condolences to both you and your daughter on your loss.
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I would be struggling to forgive her in your place, as well. But she was clearly in deep denial. I hope she will avail herself of hospice's usually good ideas about grief counseling. I would not deal with her myself, given what she caused in your husband's last moments. Thank you for getting hospice in and for making your husband's last time peaceful. Of COURSE you cannot give food to someone who is minimally awake and/or choking. That would mean aspiration into lung and death by the pneumonia resulting.
I definitely feel for your poor daughter in her misguided grief, but you right now are my first concern.
Here is my opinion as a nurse, and the way things have been explained to me by patients in the dreamlike deep sleep of Hospice medications, and of not enough 02 to the brain: First of all, most couldn't care less about family at the bedside which often causes family grief; they are in another state that some describe as dreamlike, seeing sometimes people who passed already. Some describe it as being a child and sleeping in the back of a care hearing the murmurings of their parents in the front seat, that kind of comfort, but not really hearing details, or like a TV or play in the background while they are in another realm. That would be what I suspect was the case for your husband. The truth is that he can never know. But if he DID I suspect he KNEW his daughter already, and would be thinking "Giiiirrrrrllllllll, what ARE you up to". Often people told me they tried to rouse themselves to comfort family but just could not. Just didn't have really the wherewithall to do it, and would sink back into the comfort of their almost drugged state. In some cases they ARE receiving drugs. Often, however, they are not, and describe it as just "good drugs".
So that's my guess on it as an old retired RN. You can't know. Try to forgive her. And do not listen to her rantings. If she brings them to you then tell her that you are sorry, but she must grow up, and that means taking care of herself; that she should seek help with the grief she is feeling, that you understand, but now YOU are the one who needs help, and you can't fix everything for her anymore.
I am so sorry for your loss. I would bet you did GOOD. I would bet your hubby would want to tell you that you did just GREAT!
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I think you misconstrue that when I said I came first, I meant my husband loved his whole family, but I was his wife and he thought of me first. He had 4 heart attacks pen heart surgery and bladder cancer. I changed the ostomy bag every week for many years, he was sick a lot. My daughter also threw us out of her apartment when we were visinting a few years ago, she told us to leave at 9 p m we had our p.j's on. We had to drive an hour to find a motel. We bought a homein florida for her she was a single mother, and had no money. She lived rent free for 5 years, til she married someone else. The apartment fight was about something stupid. She said she paid to live in our home. We told her you gave us a few dollars but mostly didnt pay. She went into a rage and asked us to leave. She also hit her son during an argument and we had to interfere because he was a child. Her rage that day came out of nowhere. She twisted my arm and hit me. Nurse said they were obligated to report to police. I asked them not to. It was awful. Burnt caregiver does not know all that went on. And in a marriage the husband and wife have a close bond. My daughter growing up was in trouble all the time. I assure you there was no competition. I can see there are many cold hearted people in the world that don't understand or have empathy for others. I won't post again!
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funkygrandma59 Feb 2021
I'm sorry you feel that way. I have been on this forum for about 8 months now, and there have only been a few times when I've encountered someone with no empathy on here. But honestly the majority of us are truly trying to answer and help to the best of our ability. We only have what the poster has written to go by, and if it's not written the way it was meant, well then it does leave it open for the responder to interpret the way they see fit. No harm is meant by it, it's just someone's interpretation of what was written. This does happen on here when we don't get the whole story upfront as well. We are all just caregivers who are trying to help one another, by answering each others questions and trying to encourage each other as well. Hopefully when things calm down in your life and you've had time to grieve the loss of your husband, you will come back on, as we can always use the advice of someone who has been there, done that. I'm sure you have a lot of you could help others with(since you were a caregiver for so long) who are just starting their journey. For now though, rest, and take care of yourself. God bless you.
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