My mom got sick with a viral brain injury 2 years ago. She went from being 100 percent healthy and supportive, loving of everyone to not knowing who we were in a matter of HOURS. All of her memory was wiped clean, people, places, she had to learn how to use a phone, remote control, washing machine all over again. Her memory slowly has returned to where she knows us but it's so spotty and she has little to no short term memory. It all happened so quickly, there was no time to adjust it felt like having my heart pulled out through my chest. The neurological injury affected the temporal lobe most of all and it has affected her moods, some days it's so hard being around my mom because she says mean insulting things, out of the blue and unprovoked. I feel like it's sucking the life out of me because I miss my mom, I miss her friendship.I should be use to it but when I'm in need of cheering up or good advice there is a part of my heart and head that so wants to lean on her but I can't and a lot of times I get the opposite of support, I get told off. We do have good days and I try to give thanks for them and hold onto that feeling. Our situation is made worse by the fact that I also have a severely mentally ill father, my mother cared for him all the time and saw him through his multiple breakdowns, now they both have diseases that have affected their minds, they sort of move along at their house, independent but fragile, I check in every other day with groceries, meds and just to see how things are. I get calls most often when things are going bad, mom had seizures, dad began having an episode of psychosis, I feel shell shocked and disoriented some days, who wants to put out fires on a nonstop basis? I miss getting calls with a cheery voice saying "Hey, How are you?" I have siblings and they don't help and all have their excuses. How do you cope? I feel lost and sad. Any advice would be appreciated.
As with any brain injury, whether it be a stroke, when a person has memory problems, anger seems to be part of it. They can no longer remember. They have to relearn everyday life. Just trying to get the right word out. It is even more difficult for them when they know they are unable to think straight.
I agree with vegaslady, that you need a support group. Is there something close by that you could check out. A church would be a good place to start. A place where you can ask others for advice or to pour out your heartbreak to. A place where you can become involved in something that is good for you.
Is it possible to talk to your mom more by phone than in person? If it becomes insulting and mean, you can either change the subject or tell your mom you have to go. Then go for a brisk walk. You may ultimately have to remove yourself from the situation for your own mental health, but I know the bottom line is they are your parents and you love them.
I don't think PS meant specifically that your mother is manipulating you, as in intentionally making you bend to her will; but I think she's right that you are being manipulated, as in being channelled by all parties concerned into feeling responsible for more of this situation than is your fair share. Time to look, perhaps, at what needs doing, what you're able and content to take on, and what has to be delegated either to willing volunteers ("hi there, brother, I just volunteered you to X on Monday. Oh you're busy? That's too bad, because So Am I.") or to outside professional agencies.
Sounds so simple, doesn't it? I know it isn't. But having a good look at your parents' needs analytically, task by task, might give you a place to start. Won't bring back your mother, though. Again, I'm sorry - you must miss her dreadfully. Big hug.
I read your post, but don't know if your mother is living with you. You may have written that, but at times, I don't always see everything. Knowing you are not alone sometimes helps.
I believe you understand the mother you once knew is, at least for the time being, gone. Have the doctors told you her prognosis? Is her anger a result of the frustration she is feeling or is it part of permanent brain damage?
If it is the former, i.e., frustration, I would make my mother look at me while holding both her hands and tell her, "Mom, I don't understand why you are so angry with me because I haven't done anything wrong. When you stop, I'll listen to you."
If it's a result of brain damage, you are going to have to accept the anger part of the brain damage and accept her for what she has become, not the person she was.
Thankfully, you have some good memories to get you through this difficult time period.
Please accept a big hug from me. Hopefully, all the information you receive on this website and others will help you during this time period. Watching a person's decline is difficult. Your seeking out help from a professional can't hurt.
Love him for the person he is at that particular time without mourning the loss of the man he has been or worrying too much about the man he will become.
Easier said than done, but when I remember to think this way, it helps. Sometimes I feel like I've mastered it, but then he unexpectedly does something and I get a glimpse of the man he was, and it breaks my heart. I cry and then remind myself to not mourn, not yet. Mourning is supposed to be healthy, but not when you do it daily for years. So, maybe it's best to wait until all is said and done.
1) find a support group in your area. It helps to talk with others having to go through the same thing.
2) find a good counselor to talk with.
3) practice some yoga or meditation or both.
This all will help you get through the tough times. I still have days where it is difficult to deal with her mean-ness. I find if I am tired and/or overwhelmed it makes it more difficult to "brush off". Getting enough rest and doing things for you make a huge difference too! If I were you I would consider looking into some assisted living. Good luck and hugs.
I now realize that she softened greatly when she realized she was having memory problems; but when I noticed and encouraged her - and my stepfather - to get her assessed, I became the enemy.
When I volunteered to drive 1800 miles to "hang out with her" when my stepdad went out of town - with plans to leave her alone - again - I was told "your mother doesn't want you here." She had an accident the first time and sure enough, she had an accident the second time and was hospitalized.
She started calling in rages (always at night) despising my attempts to help. And most recently she accused me of wanting to live in her big house and take her money. For the first time, I yelled back YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO TALK TO ME LIKE THAT! I haven't heard back. It's been about a month.
(I live in Florida. I can walk to the Gulf; their snow is probably about 4' deep right now.)
My friends say I dodged a bullet because she wants nothing to do with me. Well, I didn't really dodge it; it's lodged in my being and a source of pain if I allow myself to dwell on it.
Its not easy i know but try and tell yourself its the illness and dont take it personally and see a therapist. there is only so much we can take and its so stressful more importantly take care of YOU youre doing your best alone and with a good heart what would happen if you got seriously sick. My neighbour told me last year to "fake a breakdown" then siblings would step up well i couldnt do that but ive had a ministroke from the stress here and STILL siblings dont care or help out more?
Its great to vent on here but its also important to see a therapist I just see ad after ad on tv here for "cancer support" (no offence to anyone affected by this) but still nothing about dementia support??
Take care x
Now my mom was always cranky and perfectionistic, but getting her on regular Tylenol for her poor, arthritic shoulders and knees took the edge off it...and when she was really awful, hitting people with her purse and such, it was inevitably an infection somewhere that needed treated and she'd then settle back down to baseline. They are in a difficult place and not able to make sense of things, and the stress and the paranoia that develops from that adds to the mess for everyone too. It really is hard to go on loving, but if your sense is that your loved one might be doing the best they can, and you have good memories to draw on, maybe it can help soften it a little. It really is the saddest, hardest thing any of us have to face, to watch our parents decline and to have so little power over the situation...and it is hard to imagine what they are going through, it's got to really suck for them too.
SOMEtimes it can be physically dangerous to caregivers.
One gal in my PTSD support group, who is deaf, is a well-trained licensed counselor for PTSD-- and married someone with terrible brain injuries, who has really bad issues with anger-management.
She's been in danger; he's been suspended form the Clinic to protect staff and other patients.
She deals with it using every ounce of training and compassion she has--she needs support, too--but because he's been suspended for that, she no longer can come to our group, because he might take his anger out at anyone in the Clinic, again.
He cannot control himself.
It's the brain injuries...not himself.
He lost his first family, and his continuing lack of control over those behaviors, may end up with his never seeing his kid again--huge losses, on top of the emotional roller-coaster of the injuries--for him and whoever is with or near him.
Sometimes, meds can't control it all the time.
He sees his own behaviors, hates those, yet is helpless to stop it sometimes, despite very hard rehab work, really hard work with counselors and all kinds of supports.
Now, multiply that times a whole bunch of elders gradually treading towards potential dementias, --already loaded with brain injuries--, etc., and there's a powder keg:
==lack of staff trained to handle these behaviors effectively,
==lack of adequate laws governing mental health patient care;
==lack of funding & facilities;
==lack of laws protecting caregivers,
--too little, considering the numbers of population needing this kind of help.
It's amazing how many elders subsist, brain injured, malnourished, acting out, either still in their own homes, wandering the streets, and/or tearing down their families.
YOU can:
===Do what ferris1 suggested: Think of your Mom in terms of how she is now.
IF you try to park your mind and emotions in what she --used to be--, it's gonna hurt too badly to deal with anything, and cause more stress!
===Your Dad with mental health issues, needs help, too.
===AVOID letting either of them live under your roof--
--call 911 to have trained people come to their house to deal with behaviors--
--it's the best protection everyone has, from them being wrongly allowed to stay where they might endanger themselves or others.
Trained people come to assess, care for, and get either or both of them into facilities that can best safely care for either of them--
--private homes are not necessarily a safe place for badly brain injured people with really bad behaviors, who might harm themselves or others
--especially when there may also be other health issues.
--trying to take care of either of them under --your-- roof, may likely do more harm than good, when either of them has gotten to the point of causing you such anguish as it is.
==Safe in a facility, either or both of them can still have visits with you.
==The staff can protect each of them from the behaviors of the other--as it sounds like that might be an issue now.
==You may still be able to take them to lunch, or other places for day trips.
==You will have trained staff who can interface with them and you.
There will be safety for them AND you.
Mental illness and brain injuries make life so hard, too often.
It's heart-breaking; there's not much to fix it, beyond meds and maybe some behavioral re-patterning--If that works.
While nurses are taught "therapeutic communication skills", it's REALLY tough to use those skills on really troubled, injured, mentally ill persons----it invariably gets turned upside down. It's really challenging for those specially trained, much less lay-persons..
But there are far more therapies that work humanely, now days, than ever before.
It's likely that at some point, Social workers / hosp. administrations, WILL push you to bring either of them home to your house to live--once they do, it's too late for you.
They are how they are.
It's painfully heartbreaking.
You can't change how they are now.
You CAN help yourself, though.
It's very important that each person takes care of themselves, first-
--if you fail to "put on your own oxygen mask first", you are no good to others.
SO take good care of YOU.
Then you can do what you can, in realistic limits, to help and brighten your folk's days--where they end up living.
Remember the good things that happened during your lives--those are treasures---even if there were few---that can help you feel better when your healing gets a better start..
I don't know you personally, but I am so proud of you, your endurance, your heart. At this point, you are doing all you can. It sounds like the time is nearing when you will likely have to place one or both of them. Until then, I'm so sorry your sibs aren't willing to be helpful. Just an idea...but are they at least able to help? Sometimes people try to get away with not helping by being off-putting, etc. in an effort to makes us feel bad or guilty for even asking. Often, that's what they are banking on. If this is what is going on with one of them, try to keep asking and expect their help. Don't let disappointment with them that they aren't more willing get in the way of the help you need. You're only one person.
My own mom sounds like yours - with one, huge difference. She has a personality disorder and has always said mean, belittling things. You, on the other hand, have those precious and rich memories of how sweet, helpful, loving your dear mom was. What a gift. As for what to do "practically" when you must endure the unkind remarks, I know you are coping in the best ways you can. My son, who has tourettes and mild autism, still says terribly hurtful things. He's gotten a lot better, though. And I'm grateful for that. I try to block out his words when he's in "one of his moods." When I can, I carry around a pair of earplugs and slip one in to blunt the edge off some of the words he can't refrain from saying. Also, for many years, I was on Prozac, off and on which helped tons during the worst of the chaos. I've been off all of that, but am on a natural supplement, an enzyme to boost seratonin. My doc told me about it: 5 HTP. I take 100-200 mg daily. It really helps me feel better despite things. Maybe it could help you. Also, do you work out? I've begun an intensive program which really gives me a refreshed outlook.
My heart goes out to you, and I'll be praying. Keep us updated. :)
But you do need to get some support. Do find a support group dealing with similar issues. My mother has dementia and is usually cooperative and sweet but she can turn on a dime, especially if tired and when we have to leave her care center or if we have had her out and drop her back. She can call me some nasty names etc. I've learned to take it in stride because the next time I see her she'll have forgotten she ever said those things.