The brother and wife does not want to take care of Dad. They do not want him to live with them. I am on a caregiver burnout as I have been taken care of Mom, first, who passed on and now, Dad for past 9 years. I live with my Dad in last 9 years. I am 62 and retired, financially stressed, emotionally and mentally tired and felt like a load of responsibilities has been placed on my shoulders while my only sibling and wife enjoy their lifestyle, vacations and doing whatever they want to do in life for the past 9 years. Dad is well off financially and can afford caregiver but the sibling does not want to have to fork out Dad's retirement pay for caregiver. Dad got lost one day and things got changed to where I was forced by my brother and his wife who gave me orders like I was a slave or a person doing a job in my Dad's home. Dad has short term memory loss and is getting worse week by week. A part of me understands what they are doing to me but the other part of me wants freedom from responsibilities. I am considering moving out so that I can regain my life back, my sanity and freedom to do what I have putting off doing since 2007. I have given up my job, my social life and became a recluse as a live body to my Dad. As much as I loved my parents and gave my life to them for what they have given me in life, I felt like that I have paid my dues and want to move on in my life while I am still able to do them. I have also started my own small business to compensate for my retirement in the hope of regaining my financial freedom to leave the house. I will be on a Conference tour in May/June and have already given my brother and his wife heads up with my change of life activities. Then, my brother and his wife will have to decide what to do with Dad as they live just a block from where Dad lives. His wife does not work and stays home while he works full time. I have given them written suggestions of a caregiver or home care for Dad to give me time off from him. But, they have not responded back with any information on it. I am requesting a sound advise to handle these problems at hand.
Yes you have paid your dues, and then some. Just the same, you can't force or obligate your brother to do an equal amount, or anything for that matter. You need to create your own exit without his help. Thankfully your father has money. Hire a caregiver to stay with him or start looking at assisted living facilities. Keep your brother informed but don't let him interfere. Take your life back. You've done more than enough.
You've started to separate yourself from this toxic situation - that's a good start, so continue with your plans. Separate yourself from your brother and SIL.
I don't understand what the alternative actions threats are? How is it that you know you've been threatened but they're not telling you the basis of the threats. It sounds to me as if this is some intense level of bullying.
You can probably expect your brother and SIL to escalate their attacks against you now that you've advised them you can't care for your father. You might even want to consider getting a PPO (injunction) against them if they become threatening or hostile.
But remember, you're in charge of your life - your brother is not, and he has no legal authority whatsoever to force you into slave labor. The Emancipation Proclamation legally freed slaves from that abhorrent practice; don't let your brother resurrect it.
Step 2. Find a place you can afford to live
Step 3. Give proper notice to POA
Step 4. Leave
That is it.
I know You adored Your Mom, and Your Dad also because You have given Your Life to Your Parents out of sheer love, and They were so Blessed to have You as Their Daughter. My advice is apply for two weeks Restbite Care for Your Dad, and when Your Dad is in Restbite Care organise three shifts of Caregivers through a Professional Caring Agencd to come in every day to Care for Your Dad, while You step back from Caring and persue Your own business. Do not leave Your Dads home so You can not be accused of walking out on Your Dad, and do not break Your claim. Good Luck Adona62, please come back when ever You need to let of steam, and do let Us know how You get on.
Worst case scenario, your obligation is to get Dad care ,not to actually do the caring/Caregiving yourself. So, you can report your brother and sil to APS (adult protective services) for financial exploitation or abuse for not hiring the caregivers he needs. Require an accounting of his funds. Make sure APS understands you must stop being the only caregiver.
Another idea, the key may lie in that moment when Dad goes to ER, and you inform them he cannot go home alone because you won't be there. Plan your escape-even if it is a hotel down the street. Be sure to change your mailing address now, as if you no longer live there.
Sad, tough love can kinda make one shaky deep inside, somewhere between the heart and the stomach, and, can affect one's sleep with worry.
Understand that words, (of lack of words from your brother) are meaningless without action. Hot air, maybe lies. Stop talking to them, unless you want to be knocked off-center.
Are you still in denial? After all I have said? Waiting for you to take care of business.......
1. After reading the sound advices given by all who answered my question, I honestly felt better in the decision that I have made last weekend. It took courage to stand up for myself especially in front of my overly controller sister-in-law and the enabler, brother, and gave them my notice of moving out after Dad's 90th birthday in April 2017. I also researched the caregiver locations here nearby Dad's house for them to look through at their leisure. Although, my sister-in-law rather have her best girlfriend's caregiver that she can trust to care for Dad, if need be.
We have yet to finalize anything at the moment in regard to Dad's care due to my brother's back surgery that has occurred today and will be out of commission for a few days. It is only appropriate that I wait until he recovers from his surgery and back on his feet before I continue with the discussion of Dad's care.
By the way, before I did any of the above actions, I spent time alone with Dad while he is alert and sharp in his mind to see if he is okay with the change in my leave of his presence. He was and is okay with my leave but he feels like he will be all alone in his home...no live body in the house. I told him that his son and wife lives a block away. I also told him that we will make sure that he has someone to talk to and visit him in his home. I have already brought up this subject to my brother and sister in law several times in the last few years. I have always updated them with what is going on with Dad.
Dad still drives to his country club for breakfast and dinner, goes to his bank and nearby stores within 5 minutes distance. He does not travel long distance, by any means. He stays near home.
2. I have already been in contact with a long time trusted friend whom I have known since 1995 about the possibility of finding a place together as roommates to share in the financial responsibilities of the home. We have been roommates before and it worked out several years ago. We can do it again.
3. Financially, being retired and on Social Security, my small online business has just started and are doing well with it. It will help me to regain my financial footing, so to speak, quickly and get my life back on track.
4. My brother is the POA. My sister in law has the Medical Power and her name is on Dad's account. I am just living here to care for Dad. I have no power, so to speak. As to attorney, I cannot afford an attorney. I will not stoop low to their level of power. I will rise above them by following all of the necessary protocols and leave Dad in their capable hands. When I have the funds, if need be, I will hire an attorney. I just do not want to make it any difficult than it already is especially for Dad.
5. According to the doctors, Dad does not have dementia or Alzheimer's. It just the slowing down process due to age. He has short term memory loss but his long term memory is fine. He cannot remember what we talked about from one minute to the next minute due to short term loss. I usually write on sticking note as reminders to him of things that we talked about. Otherwise, he is fine for an almost 90 year old man.
Well, it is getting late. My brain is slowing down and cannot think clearly. It is time for me to get to bed. Again, thank you for the listening ear and sound advice. It really does help me understand that I did the best that I can do under these circumstances and follow the right protocol of action to take in removing myself in order to regain my life back..one step at a time, one day at a time, one action at a time until all is fulfill to the best of my ability.
Also, from what I have read in caregiver's struggles, I certainly do not want to die before my aging parent does. I still have a life to live and want to be able to enjoy what remaining time that I do have with my grandchildren and other things that I have put off since 2007. As much as I love my Dad, it is time for my brother and his wife to step up to the plate, face Dad on a daily basis and make their decision on his care. They have had their chance to live life fully (ie. travelled extensively every year, take weekend vacations, do things they wanted to do freely, etc) while I stayed with Dad with very little income, no vacations, and cannot see my young grandchildren who lives out of town. It sounds like that I am complaining...but I really am not complaining...just stating the facts in realism of it all. I gave it all up to care for Dad and Mom when she was alive years ago. Furthermore, Dad cannot handle little grandchildren so my children do not bring them around us at all in the last few years. I had to accept the fact that this is life in this very home that I live in with him.
What I did not realize is that after I had experienced the emotional and mental toll with Dad and my family over the years, my life has been drained of energy. Rather the family is aware of this or not, I am acutely aware of it. Dad, blessed his heart, is not aware that he is draining my energy as fast as I can replenish it. I get drained pretty fast. It is not his fault. He just does not know that he is doing this to me. It is another reason why I need to take care of my declining health by leaving here and regain my health back so that I can live for my grandchildren and make a new life for myself.
My apologies for rambling on. I hope that what I have gone through may comfort another caregiver here. We are not alone in this experience. We are here for each other, comfort each other, advise each other, uplift each other and give hope to one another in the most challenging time of our lives. Peace to all.
Good luck and enjoy those grandbabies.