In a nutshell, my mother (like many others on this forum, I've noted) is extremely self centered. All three of us siblings were subjected to some form of either physical and/or emotional abuse when growing up. I have found it in my heart (largely through the help of my very loving and supportive spouse and church family, pastors, etc.) to forgive our mother but she apparently cannot forgive herself. The end result is her inability to stop torturing us with memories and recollections of some of the most heinous events we had to endure. I have tried to tell her that this behavior is both extremely upsetting as well as counter-productive to a healthy relationship at this point but this seems to do little good in the long term as, of course, she cannot recall when she last did this and is extremely narcissistic and clearly is filling her own need to continually raise these painful times. Many times I can shake this off in a day or two but for all practical purposes I endure this type of exchange every time I see her, which is at least once a week. My husband (one of the most loving and forgiving people I know) has even come to the point where he feels this behavior on my mother's part is becoming unforgivable as he hates seeing me in this constant state of distress. Any and all comments and/or suggestions for how others deal with a similar situation will be most welcomed. Thank you!
Try to alleviate any expectation you have from your mom because she is unable to fulfill it. Her brain has a disease and she is no longer responsible for what she says and does. Is that too easy of an out for someone? Probably. But that's dementia. People with dementia get the luxury of living in their own world without having to deal with anything in this world. Their behavior gets a pass.
Are you caregiving with your siblings? Do they get this same kind of treatment from your mom as well?
Your profile says that your mom is living independently. Is she in independent living or on her own? Does she count on your help each week and that's why you see her every week?
Is it possible to limit your time with her? Shorten the visits? Or make one long visit but less frequently?
Unfortunately you're going to have to figure this out without her. It's on you now to find a way to live with this. She can't help you or assist you or recognize your feelings anymore. I know it's so unfair.
My Dad taught me the lively art of telling bullies to f*** off. That isn't a problem. Comforting the inconsolable, failing continually to accept the impossibility of same… he died before he figured that one out. I have no plans to follow in those footsteps, but it is proving hard to step out of them.
She is not herself, as you say she has dementia. Let go. When she "starts," change the subject. Monopolize the conversation if you have to. Perhaps she is doing some subliminal soul-cleansing even in her addled state. Maybe repeating "I forgive you for it all, mom. I love you very much," will have an impact.
In the end, if you really can't let it go, cut your visits down to ONLY once a week or every ten days. Promise yourself you will leave her vitriol where it belongs as soon as your visit is over. In the past.
Put a rubber band around your wrist on these days. And when you leave and begin to think or talk about her nonsense, snap it. A little Pavlovian conditioning might make some small difference. At least it will help you to remember that it's you who's DECIDING to let her difficult behavior ruin your day(s).
Dementia knows no logic. It takes no prisoners. In the midst of dementia, a person becomes, as you note, extremely narcissistic. Combine that tendency with a tendency in some to dwell on the past and, in your case, you have the perfect recipe for heartbreak.
How do I deal with it? Badly. I deal with it badly.
As you can see.
These are the moments when the "pretend she's somebody else's mother" strategy comes to the fore. Nod, smile, hand-pat, that's lovely. Finish giving her her supper, get out of there. Go and kick something inanimate. Apply arnica.
God bless you. This is hard. Keep posting.
You can't help being abused as a child. Once you have a choice in the matter, to allow abuse to continue just doesn't make sense to me.
Whenever something came up about "wife beating" on the news or grape vine my mother always said, "I'd like to see the man who'd hit me twice." It was clear to us girls we shouldn't put up with physical abuse, and clear to the boys they better not do it. I guess I've extrapolated that to any kind of abuse.
Forgive her? Fine, if that fits your life view. Subject yourself to more? I can't see it. Maybe that makes me selfish.
If your mother has dementia, chances are she will not stop doing this on her own, though time will bring changes. You'll have to decide whether continuing a relationship with her is worth your time. If you decide to continue the relationship, it will have to be for your own growth and understanding and not for the sake of appearance. Much luck with this one. Going back into an abusive relationship can be infuriating, so don't feel you have to do it.
If you don't have a Senior Citizens Center in your area, you might be able to get information about support groups from your pastor or the public relations department at a hospital or your state's Department of Family Services or the office of a doctor who specializes in geriatrics or a nursing home. Often support groups exist outside general public awareness, so don't be afraid to ask around. One woman I know credits our town's support group with literally saving her life.
If you find a group, attend at least three meetings before you make a decision on whether it is worthwhile for you.
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