My husband's grandmother passed away 2 years ago from early Alzheimers (age 62). She left behind his grandpa who had previously suffered from mulitple strokes and heart attacks (he lost the ability to move his right side but still manages to operate a vehicle).
At the time, my MIL her 13 yo old daughter, 18yo old son, 21yo old son and his gf, and MIL's live in bf) and her brother (recently released from prison) were living with him but not really contributing. We were asked by grandpa to come live there and help out financially which would cut us a tiny break (~$100) in our rent.
After everyone besides grandpa moved out, we moved in.
We had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. We were told we would end up with the house if/when anything happened to him; and that is no longer the case (this really only plays a part as we were not looking to move from where we were until we were ready to buy, but my husband liked the idea of possibly never having to move again, from his grandparents home).
I am a SAHM raising 3 kids (5 years, 3 years and 9 months) I am overwhelmed as it is (this house and property are much larger and older than our last) and trying to mesh two styles of living (his hoarding, unhealthy eating, unhygienic living, excessive gift buying, overuse of chemicals and air fresheners, etc.) is running it's toll on me and providing a chaotic environment for our kids.
I cook and launder for him. He lives in one large family room that is seperate from ours only by an interior door. He only shares our children's bathroom for his shower and the second closet in our boys room.
How do I deal?
When do I know I've had enough?
I want my children to respect my husband and I, as well as great grandpa...but how does that happen?
Help!
You really don't have a lot of power, as you are tenants, living in grandpa's property. Do you have a lease? Are you being paid for your services?
I'm not sure how you fix this situation without moving out. How does your husband feel about this situation? Come back and we'll figure out a plan!
Grandpa does not have any diagnosed mental issues. He just changes his mind a lot and often tries to play dumb when confronted.
No lease. We just simply moved all our belongings kn and started paying one of his mortgages, all utilities, groceries and upkeep of house.
No services are paid for. He is just another body I have to feed and clean up after. Thankfully he has not asked me to help with anything physically. However he has asked my two oldest children to apply steroid creams and lotions to his back or legs as he cant easily reach them (I was not happy about this to say the least).
My husband has simply put it that we are not moving out. I think hes afraid that grandpa will lose the house and that no one will be there to take care of him. He wants to spend the time with him now instead of wishing he had later. Thats wonderful and all but I'm the one home with him and the kids all day and grandpa isnt all that he used to be. He's not quite the superhero his grandson once thought he was. Now his tendancies are more just not something I can stand to be around (urinating in old coffee cans bc he can't get to the restroom fast enough throughout the night. ..which are then left in his office where he also allows my kids to play?? No. Not happening...but its not something he even sees as an issue.)
I dont see moving out as an option at all. This is one area that has caused me much stress. Much anxiety (I feel the need to know ahead of time if my family will have to move out bc of something happening to grandpa and the house being taken away. There are only utilities in our name. And there is no way we can afford the house if hes not paying what he does). I just dont know what to do. Many days I just want to cry. Scream. Move. But I'm stuck here and I need to make the best of the time left with grandpa...no matter how long or short that is.
Thank you for taking time. And thank you for the sweet encouraging words.
I think someone in your family needs to think like a grown up.
First, the grandpa sounds like he might have some mild dementia. If so, it will get worse. Also if he's too lazy to pee in the toilet, he's probably too lazy to empty his container in it. Ours empties in the kitchen sink. (It is vile.) Dementia and/or poor hygiene are not conducive to child-rearing. Voice your concerns and tell your husband you won’t stay in the house if the grandpa has dementia.
Second, your grandfather-in-law wants to stay in a house he can neither afford nor maintain. Your husband wants to stay in a house he cannot afford either. That is irresponsible and pretty delusional on both their parts.
Third, even if you have reduced rent, you are building neither equity nor credit, and you are providing round the clock care (billable at $12/hr minimum for home health care aides so figure about $290/day.) So you are putting yourself in a vulnerable position with no financial benefit. Since neither your husband nor his grandpa can figure out how to ensure in writing that you two will get the house, there is zero financial benefit to staying there.
Most likely, grandpa will end up selling the house to pay for his care anyway. So why not just do that now and get him into a senior living situation? Then your husband can visit as much as he wants and enjoy his time with grandpa instead of resenting you for being unhappy.
Your concerns make A LOT of sense. You are not being selfish. I feel so bad for you -- I know how you feel.
If you can at all afford a consultation with an elder law attorney and/or financial advisor, it might be worthwhile. Also making a list of all the “what-ifs” and asking your husband to walk through the different scenarios with you might help.
There are things you can do if you HAVE to stay in the situation but the only one who is saying you have to is your husband, who has clearly not thought this through. It is so hard when you are juggling all the day-to-day stuff to try to address bigger issues, but you are seeing this situation clearly and it is in you and your kids’ best interests to be in a safe and affordable living situation. I wish you strength and focus, and hope your husband will see the light. Happy New Year and best wishes for a compromise that will be healthy for all of you.
1. Start searching for affordable housing in the area.
2. Get a free consultation with an eldercare attorney. Go with your husband and explain the situation.
3. Make an appointment for gramps to see his doctor. Have him sign a HIPAA waiver so that you can be availed of his condition and share information with the doctor.
4. Who is gramp's DPOA and MPOA?
5. Talk to your kids' pediatrician about this whole scenario. Especially steroid creams. (Not my children, imho).
6. Find out about day care availability in your area. At this point, your children would be far better off in a clean, structured care setting than at home with you and gramps.
Good luck. Let us know how you're getting on.
I'd also ask about Durable Power of Attorney, Healthcare POA and Will.
I will be sitting down with my husband soon to discuss the things you have brought to my attention.
Thank you very much.