How to deal with my mother's adamancy?
Ever since my father's death,my mother has been alone.I have 2 brother's.One of my brothers' is not ready to take responsibility at all.However the other brother is ready to take care of her,but my mother doesn't show her willingness for the same.He has taken it for granted that I would look after her,so he doesn't bother much about this issue.My mother doesn't seem to be interested to stay with anyone apart from me.Whatever options are given to her,she always has reasons for all,and ultimately it comes down to,me looking after her.I am ready to share the responsibility.But having her over permanentely is a problem,because i have a mother-in-law to look after too and other priorities lined up as well.
How do i convince my mother and my brother's??
please help..
3 Answers
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You know your own situation. You know your mother's. Now it is time for you to make a decision about the role you will have in your mother's life. That could range all the way from you'll send her cards on her birthday to you'll have her live with you in your house. I suspect the role you decide on will be somewhere between those extremes. Perhaps you'll be in charge of her appointments and grocery shopping and help her with one bath a week, etc. The point is, YOU decide what you are willing and able to do. It doesn't matter what your brother "takes for granted." It doesn't matter what your mother adamantly insists upon. It doesn't matter what your brothers decide to do themselves. YOU are in charge of YOUR role.
It is great if Mother is still able to make her own decisions among the options available to her. But she cannot insist on options that are not available. She cannot insist on moving to a swanky hotel and living on room service, because that is not a financially viable option. She cannot insist on moving in with you if you decide that is not an option you are offering.
All you have to convince your brothers and your mother of is that you are serious about the role you are willing to play.
After everyone takes you seriously, it will be time to figure out how the rest of Mother's needs will be met. Maybe brothers will take up some of the slack. Maybe in-home help is needed, such as cleaning, laundry, bathing, or meal help. Maybe an assisted living facility would be ideal. I don't know your mother's impairments and I don't know how her needs could be met. I know with absolute certainty, however, that you are not the only way the practical daily living needs can be met. (No one and nothing can replace your love. Just about anyone could scrub the toilets.)
First decide what role you are willing/able to play in your mother's care.
Then tell your mother and your brothers what you are willing to do.
Help mother (with or without input from brothers) figure out the best way to get her other needs met.
The hard part in all this will be taking responsibility for your own decision. Know what you can do. Don't back down. Do not be a victim. Do not say "My Mother made me do it." Do not tell yourself, "I have to do this because my brothers won't." Figure out what you can do, and stick to your guns.
But however,its that,i have been playing my role as a daughter.
My mother stays in another city.Inspite of that,she comes over and stays for months or years at a stretch.She prefers staying with me rather than staying alone at her house or at my brothers' home.Everytime she comes over to stay,she wants things to be done her way.
I,as her daughter understand her behaviour and stay silent.However prolonged stay would hamper our privacy, could cause irritancies and inhibit our freedom.
She seems to think that i stay happy when she's around,but doesn't seem to understand the fact that, it is just an understanding for the time being.Me and my family shower her with love and care,so she seems to have taken it for granted.
Now since she is alone after my father's death,I have been giving her many solutions so that she needn't stay alone,but she has reasons for them all.She denies staying with my brothers or her sister and demands to stay with me forever.
My Brothers' however have left her to her fate,and they dont seem to be bothered much regarding this issue.And hence they do not pay heed to what i say or when i put forward my opinions,to solve this issue.
I am in a fix ..Please help..
it doesn't matter what your mother or your brothers want, you need to do what works for you and your family.
sure, they are going to whine about it. TOUGH. you already have a MiL to look after, and one is enough.
Balls in YOUR corner, only you can decide whether you're going to be a doormat and let your brothers and mother walk all over you and make your life and that of your family miserable or not.
btw, the first step might be taking off the mask and letting her know when you are unhappy. quit acting.