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My mother is in her early 80s and has no major health problems. She does not drive or have any friends and depends on me for about everything. ( my niece takes her to store now due to my own health concerns) She and my sister (who does nothing for my Mom) are always fighting and some how I get the blame for their shortcomings . After being told that the only thing she can be blamed for is my birth, I did not show up to take her to a dentist appointment ( cleaning) and told her from now on she must be nice to me if she expects me to be there for her. She hung up...three times How do I deal with her? I do not want to walk away but it is at the point where i feel i need to establish boundaries for my won health. It hurts to be the one who is always there for her and gets beat up in the process.

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Set boundaries about how you will and will not be treated plus how much time you can realistically give, inform her of them and then have some concrete consequences for when she breaks them. Your mother sounds very selfish and possibly narcissistic. Sounds like she's a pro at using emotional blackmail also which you need not fall for Detach with love for your own well being, particularly since you have your own health concerns.
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You are on the right path, now you just have to stay determined to do what you say you are going to do..... it is very healthy, by the way, what you are starting to do... it's not easy, but it works.... if not for her, then for you.... you have the right to say NO.... stay strong... don't let the 'feelings' get in the way of you setting and keeping the boundries.... let us know how things are with you....
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You mom sounds like my mom- smart and manipulative to the situation- not because she wants to be evil but because she's scared if she doesn't control these things she won't have control and it'll be the beginning of the end for her. If you think about it, she doesn't have much left. She's probably lived a pretty full life and as things wind down you naturally begin to lose control of yourself and your surroundings. Provide some words of comfort and let her know that you want to help her but your help is only available if she is willing to behave. In all honestly, you'll probably never cut her off because as caregivers, we just don't have that kind of bone in our bodies, but that does not mean you have to take being mistreated and disrespected. Your mom won't change who she is, she's 80, but she may change her tune if she doesn't want to lose one of the only people that loves and cares for her. Put things into perspective for her and see how it goes. Good luck!
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You mom sounds like my mom- smart and manipulative to the situation- not because she wants to be evil but because she's scared if she doesn't control these things she won't have control and it'll be the beginning of the end for her. If you think about it, she doesn't have much left. She's probably lived a pretty full life and as things wind down you naturally begin to lose control of yourself and your surroundings. Provide some words of comfort and let her know that you want to help her but your help is only available if she is willing to behave. In all honestly, you'll probably never cut her off because as caregivers, we just don't have that kind of bone in our bodies, but that does not mean you have to take being mistreated and disrespected. Your mom won't change who she is, she's 80, but she may change her tune if she doesn't want to lose one of the only people that loves and cares for her. Put things into perspective for her and see how it goes. Good luck!
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People may get tired of hearing me talk about my own mother, but here goes, anyway. One of the things that bothers me the most about mine is the disrespect she shows, which is the worst when I tell her no to something. She plays the blame game, too, where my character always comes to be responsible for whatever she does. One thing I know about myself is that I have really good character, if little else. I thought about the why of it and figured out that she treats me like the willful teenager I used to be many, many moons ago. I think she will always see me as a disobedient teenager who is causing her grief. So if she wants me to do something and I have to work, then I am disobeying. Bad me.
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JessieBelle, has your mom always been this way. If so, your mom sounds like an expert at the emotional blackmail game. Try to detach from the game with love and not let you hover you into it. You are not her personal servant.
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JessieBelle, has your mom always been this way? If so, your mom sounds like an expert at the emotional blackmail game. Try to detach from the game with love and not let you hover you into it. You are not her personal servant.
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My mom just said the same thing to me about the only mistake she made was for me to be born. Boy, that hurts. She is only lashing out at the one that is nearest to her. My boundaries are always being stepped on. Today, she told me to start decorate the house for the holidays and that she knew it would look great. I started when she was napping and she came out of her room crying telling me not to touch it. I am on a roller coaster. I get up everyday and try to make the best of it.
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lavendar, your mother's behavior sounds so typical of someone with borderline personality disorder which I suggest you google about. Are there any concrete consequences that go with your boundaries?
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cmag, she has always been this way. With the dementia mixed in, it is usually pointless now to try to reason. She does have the ability to think about something for a while and realize she was wrong about something. Sometimes she'll give me grief one evening, then wake me up to apologize. I live with her, so detaching is something I do a lot, and guarding boundaries is starting to make me feel like a guard dog. I don't like being this person. I read the sweet positive story that one of our members wrote about their mother who was in AL. That is how I wish it were for all of us.

But tomorrow is a new day. I've been depressed today -- it has been a crazy one, but had nothing to do with my mother. It was just one of those days. Hoping for a better tomorrow.
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Seekerx, has you mother always been manipulative like this, or it is something that started when she approached her current age?
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If my mother ever told me I was a mistake of birth, she would no longer be my mother. That is a cruel and vicious thing to say to a daughter who is providing care to her mother. My mother can and has been emotionally manipulative to me, but she is well aware of my now established boundaries. I had a lifetime of my mother using me to get what she wanted and because of it, my relationship with her has deteriorated. Now I do things to help her only when I choose to. If my mother decides to cross those bondaries, she knows I will no longer be there for her. This is the destiny she created for herself.
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My heart broke over the last response from Debralee. My mother has also told me that I was a mistake of birth. Yes, I will admit that it hurt, no matter how hard I work at detaching. But she has dementia. She is still my mother. And it is NOT my mother speaking. It's that horrible, HATED, nasty, awful disease. A woman who spent her life never having an unkind word for anyone, never cursed a word in her life, always sticking up for the underdog, never judging for appearance or social status or body image -- can now be one of meanest, most hateful people I've ever known. Many times she's called me a fat f-ing Mexican B with an ugly nose. Now I can sometimes laugh about it. Sometimes.

I'm losing her already. After getting sick early this month (infected gallbaladder) and having surgery, she is down to 69 pounds and was transferred from the hospital to a rehab center to try and build up her weight and strength. I'm losing her though, inch by painful inch... and I simply cannot, will not blame her for a "destiny she created". I want to blame someone, but I CANNOT blame her.

I wish Christmas would just go away or I could just stick out my thumb, hit the road and run away from home right now.

But I won't. Because she's my best friend and I know she can't help it.

Blessings to all the caregivers. Today and every day.
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And as long as you keep answering "How high?" every time she says "Jump!" nothing's going to change. People like her have a nasty habit of surviving their children, so stop being a doormat and taking abuse you don't deserve. Your birth was no accident and there's absolutely no reason to keep giving downpayments for her acceptance. From the moment you were born, she owed you.

I'd just call her once a day to see if there's anything legitimate she needs assistance with. If not, do like your sister: "nothing." This might sound a bit cruel, but if she resorts to emotional blackmail just to bring you back into her "fold," imagine you're at the Lincoln Center playing a violin. After all, she's functional. But as long as she has servants catering to her every whim, there's no reason to be self-reliant.
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My MIL is in her 80s and is a narcissistic monster. We put our foot down almost 4 months ago. We let her know we would no longer be available to her if she did not stop being abusive (mental and verbal). She chose to disown us. She refuses to speak to us. We know she needs our help but she is too stubborn and wants us to apologize to her! She lives across the street. We bent over backwards for her and kept just taking her abuse until we finally got fed up. I don't know if this will continue or not. I am enjoying not being her rug, but at the same time she is in my head constantly. I worry all the time. What I am saying here is if she is anything like my MIL, be prepared. She could just shut you out and you may have to live with that. It isn't your fault. You have the right to be happy and mentally healthy. You will feel guilty because she is old and the simple fact that she is family. You have to take care of you first. If she comes around later, you will have learned that you can be strong and it will be easier to stay strong. Good luck to you.
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