My father is verbally abusive and I cannot take it anymore. How can I deal with this?

Susan, I go through this all the time with my father. He puts on one "persona" as you call it, when out in public, or with other family members, and then when he is alone with me , he "lets it all hang out" and abuse can be expected to happen. ( Hence, I limit time I spend alone with my father--sad but true). I don't know if your father has dementia affecting his personality, but if his behavior with this screen door, for example, is not how he would have behaved say twenty-five years ago, then it probably is dementia going on. I know how frustrating it is, Susan, to have to bear such abuse when nobody else ever sees it going on. You almost have to set up a hidden camera and/or tape recorder to convince people (including a doctor) that this is really going on. I sympathize with you!! Just know that, Susan, I get it, and I"m so sorry you have to go through this. You said: "I would do anything for my parents". That tells me that you love your parents very much, as do I and most of the caregivers on here. I believe you will get your reward in Heaven some day, and it will be a big one. You are being faithful to your Dad, and I believe that is essentially what is expected of us, and then beyond that we need to set limits to take good care of ourselves. Once I start falling apart, I am no good to my father any more.

It sounds like your father is "letting it all hang out" with you, and not your siblings, because you are the handiest one to unload on. It sounds like you have taken primary responsibility to look after your father. I don't know if he lives outside of your home, but it sounds like he does. It might help to talk candidly to your mother about your experiences with your father. Does he verbally abuse you in front of your mother? If you feel safer when your mother is around, then I would limit the time I spend with him to when your Mom is around too. If he gets much worse when you are alone with him, then definitely put limits on that kind of time you will spend with him. I have noticed that my father, even with his dementia, is not totally clueless as to what will happen when he starts verbally abusing me.....I will leave because I have "things to do." My curtailing my visits with Dad has definitely influenced him to cut down on the raging around me. In the case of my father, his personality has undergone a massive change from how he used to be. I went through a deep grieving process to handle seeing the deterioration of his once-beautiful, affable personality right before my eyes. So very sad. My mother, now deceased, also was terribly pained to see this happening to her husband. I am actually thankful she is now in heaven and doesn't have to see how much more Dad's personality has changed since she died. He is like a different person. I don't know if this is the case with your father.

Hang in there, Susan! I am pulling for you.

I used to think that putting someone in a nursing home was morally wrong. I don't think so anymore. I'm emancipating myself from my 15-year situation with my widowed mother, who has verbally abused me my entire life. Enough already. She has dementia, is physically disabled. And is as mean as hell. Your life matters, too, you know. Claim it and free yourselves.

SUSAN:

Unconditional love often makes you do the silliest things. The other person can literally wipe his/her feet off on you as if you were a doormat; you claim to forgive them but never seem forget it. On other occasions you either drop your brain by the roadside at the mere sight of them, or become so fearful you literally put your spine in a drawer ... for years. And then wonder if you ever had one.

Stop being so passive-barely aggressive and stand up for yourself. If he lives with you, tell him to start making arrangements to move elsewhere and take his BS with him if he doesn't feel inclined to treat you with the respect you so well deserve. Your siblings aren't going to tolerate his antics, so he'll probably play the victim and turn them against you. So get ready for the backlash.

If all he's going to do is use you, hurt you, and then expect you to feel grateful he should have his head examined. If you decide to stay the course and keep taking this abuse, you should have yours examined as well and tighten up the screws. Good luck.

-- ED

susan63, I feel your frustration. Nothing like bending over backwards to make the parents life as good as possible and then get slammed with verbal abuse. As a verbal abuse recipient my whole life, I know how much it hurts, how belitting it is.Don't hold out much hope for your dad to change, he's been at it too long. Doesn't mean you have to "take it" though. I waited too many years to confront mom. I finally did and it felt sooooo good to stand up to her. Told her I wasn't going to take it anymore, so back off. I don't know why I was surprised when she looked me in the eye and told me it was all in my imagination, I was crazy and I was a liar. But you know what, I felt so liberated I didn't care. She's mean, hateful, she'll never be or talk nice to me. My liberation reinforced that I was not the one at fault, it's mom with the problem. I couldn't stop her from spewing her insults but I could stop listening. I finally realized what it meant to say "sticks and stones, etc." I was in control of my own feelings. Finally!
You're among a large number of people on this site with "useless" siblings. It's usually one kid who gets the dirty work. You're very fortunate that you get some help. Even though it'd be great to get everyone involved, that only happens in fantasyland. You can rant and rave, beg and cry but some sibs just aren't going to step up. It doesn't matter to them that they come off as uncaring and selfish.
I hope you can get dad to be nicer, it's worth confronting him. Be thankful for the siblings who help even a little and pity the one who won't get involved, she may one day find out what goes around, comes around.

I have an abusive mother I've been taking care of for years. It's hopeless. Now she has dementia. Of course, the dementia isn't the cause of her abusiveness (verbal). That's been going on all of my life. She loves playing the martyr and loves to backstab me to get sympathy and attention. She blabbed to the wrong person and that person (not sure who, but have definite ideas) called Adult Protective Services to investigate. Of course, they saw immediately that there was nothing going on here. However, the last pitiful shreds of real sympathy I had for Mother disintegrated.

I am now in the process of reclaiming my life and placing Mother where she needs to be. I've "done my time," so to speak. Fifteen years of hard labor. Ask me how guilty I feel.

I DON'T. Neither should anyone else. Once you've gone as far down this road as you possibly can, you've got to make changes. I owe it to my grown children to save myself. Mother, too. She isn't safe in her home any longer, physically or mentally.

Maybe caregiving an aging parent is the right thing to do in the beginning. But when your own health starts taking serious hits (mine has), it is time to move on.

There will always be people who will criticize me for what I'm doing. No one who has actually done what I have re: caregiving has EVER been judgmental about changing the situation. Those who think caregivers owe and owe and owe and owe their parents and are wrong and selfish to place them in a nursing home have almost always NEVER been a caregiver themselves.

You are the only person walking in your shoes. Do what is best, be realistic, stay calm and focused, and follow through. If you choose to continue on as caregiver to your parent(s), do so without guilt driving you. And ALWAYS make time for yourself. Do what you can to live a separate life. ALWAYS make time for yourself.

It's taken me a long time and a lot of suffering to learn this.

I wish everyone the best.

My opinion.

Wallie49,

Clearly, your mother is a danger to others given "she threatened to burn the house down." I sort of wish that you had her involuntarily committed for psychological evaluation which she really needs now with these stupid charges. I would find a good lawyer whose focus is family law because you are going to need one.

No you are not supposed to put up with such abuse but there are people who will try to make you feel guilty for putting them in a nursing home.

I have experienced this with my father all of my life. For over 50 years, I was so passive and just took all the abuse that he dished out. He always has been so "sweet" in public, and he really can put on a show. But at home, he likes to run all over everyone physically and verbally.

But one morning a few years ago, I told my father "that's enough. I'm not taking any more of this abuse." He was stunned, and that made him even more abusive and aggressive .... very aggressive. It just came to the point when he had to leave my home and my life. It simply was not fair for me or my family to continue to tolerate his abuse. He abused my mother for 43 years, and she when she died she said was glad to be going to a better place where he could not abuse her any longer.

The point I want to stress is === don't keep putting up with it. You are wasting your life and your family's life putting up with that man. It's very hard to wash you hands of someone who has drilled it in your head all of your life that he is the most powerful and deserving person on earth. No, he isn't, and you need to realize that and cut yourself free. Believe me, you will feel like a rejuvenated free soul ... so light that you will begin to enjoy life with freedom. Take that time, then, to build your confidence and make youself realize that you are worth it and you deserve happiness, not abuse.

Elderly, abusive, manipulative parents can cheat you out of your life, happiness, and freedom.

my uncle who died of cangrene, diabetes, heart problem, etc. used to cal me b. and he was very abusive toward all family trying to help him out. when he was healthy he was very mean and verbally abusive as well. he was so miserable that he insulted everybody. I felt very bad too, family told me to ignore him, but it wasn't easy. one time I was so pested off that I called him MANIAC and he was so surprised of my angry reaction that he never again insulted me. I still love him so much, he died 12 years ago.

195 Austin, In my comment where did I justify an elder person being mean to their caregiver is acceptable? I live this everyday, I KNOW what this person is dealing with. I get my Mother clean clothes, lay them in front of her only to have her take a clenched fist swing at me, that if it made contact, would probably black my eye...she HAS made contact before, and I called the police on her. You have no idea what I deal with or what I have dealt with in the past, or what I will probably deal with in the future. If a HATEFUL, NARCICISSTIC ELDER is arguing, cursing, threatening you, walk away from it, if they hit you or cause you physical harm, call the Police. The Chief of Police is the ONLY

Sylvester,

I'm not sure if you read my post. I said that I DO understand why he's treating me this way, and I understand. My question was do I say something to him. He has NO dementia, at least not at this point, and knows enough to treat all other family members like gold. He was this this way long before he got sick. My sister lived with him for 20 yrs, and he treated her like crap while the rest of us were treated like royalty. My question was do I say anything to him about how cruel his words are. When he goes off I simply say "I won't stay and talk to you while you're attacking me". He works HIMSELF up before he goes off for no reason. If he has a heart attack or stroke it will be of his OWN doing . . . not mine.

You need to understand that I've been here living with him, and lovingly taking care of him for 4 years now, and dealing with these episodes. At first I did get drawn into his arguments, but have since learned to calmly say I won't stay and fight. My walking away even in silence makes him even MORE nut's. He then feels like I'm being "disrespectful", and holds grudges for day's despite my immediate apologies. There IS no stopping his hysteria! No matter what I do he get's himself worked into a frenzy, and it's ALWAYS over nothing!!! It usually is after I do some amazing thing to make him happy. The event this week was over a valentine card he wanted to send to a dear old friend. He always felt it important to choose his own cards, but now he can't. I know how helpless and angry he feels. I offered to buy several so he could pick the best one, but he absolutely refused. I am a professional artist so I offered to make a really special card that was blank so he could write his own words inside. I wanted to do something that would be really beautiful and special. It took me two whole days to make, and my work on it was squeezed between making his meals, laundry, cleaning etc. He is still able to do his personal care like showers, trips to the kitchen etc. When I finished he yelled that it was too late to get there for valentines day. I had planned to send it express overnight mail so she would get it by noon today. Well, he screamed "You've been working on the stupid thing for 5 days now!!!!!", which was a total lie. Also, at his request I went out to buy the largest bottle I could find of her favorite perfume. I had to go to three places to find it, and it cost $100.00. He had given me $40 thinking it would be enough. He has been too weak to go to the bank, and refuses to let me go for him so it was all he had. Also, he has NO idea what things cost, and would never spend that much on perfume yet he insisted on the largest bottle. To help him because it was so important to him I spent almost a whole day running around for the damn stuff, and then made up the difference with my own money (I am disabled and have very little money). That he was happy with, but my gorgeous card, and the hours of work put into it were smashed to bits. I feel that if he is cogent enough to roll out the red carpet for my two selfish heartless sisters he can be kind to me too. I feel holding stuff in is wrong despite someone's illness, and I try to do it well. It is VERY HARD to know what to do, and I must say I resent your somewhat judgmental and patronizing answer. I was NOT helpful, and it's purpose was to inspire guilt. I assure you I feel absolutely ZERO guilt regarding the care of my father whom I adore. I have given up my own personal life in every respect to care for, and make his last years as comfortable and happy as I can. I would feel NO guilt if he passed in a fit of rage. His extremely angry outbursts (which he's always had by the way) are HIS OWN decisions, and would never be what I cause. I posted the question in the hopes that someone would have a clever and kind suggestion; not one of judgment,

I also read the answers that were posted
Sylvester,

I'm not sure if you read my post. I said that I DO understand why he's treating me this way, and I understand. My question was do I say something to him. He has NO dementia, at least not at this point, and knows enough to treat all other family members like gold. He was this this way long before he got sick. My sister lived with him for 20 yrs, and he treated her like crap while the rest of us were treated like royalty. My question was do I say anything to him about how cruel his words are. When he goes off I simply say "I won't stay and talk to you while you're attacking me". He works HIMSELF up before he goes off for no reason. If he has a heart attack or stroke it will be of his OWN doing . . . not mine.

I should add that I have two sisters who do not work, and are married to wealthy men. My father has been generous. and loves us more than anything in his life. My mom passed when she was 46 on my 26th birthday. I've had 6 giant surgeries on both hips, and ankle. I hobble around in terrible pain, and every time I've asked for help of any kind (including just sitting with dad if I have to go somewhere) the answer has always been an unquestionable "NO". Financially they have contributed NOTHING stressing my poor financial situation even worse than it already is. They have never liked me, and are very jealous. I am ALONE as he only has one elderly sister who like dad refuses to engage in anything of an emotional nature. Thankfully she does make meals occasionally on Sundays, and my younger does pick dad up from dialysis three times a week. Of course I take him at 5:30 am on those three days. They literally almost never visit. Maybe if he's lucky they come by a few times every 6 months, and only stay for about an hour. My one sister has a little dog that my dad ADORES, and brings so much happiness to. She never brings him over, and the rare times she does dads only allowed to give him half a treat. She is more concerned about her dogs health than my dads!!!!! I've learned to let their underhanded BS to roll off my back, but my reason for telling this is to paint the picture of what I've been up against for THREE years. He is starting to fail badly now, and still they don't come. He actually said to me his only reason for living is his kids. He said "It's all he has." SAD, but still no reason to treat his eldest daughter who adores him like $hit.

You need to understand that I've been here living with him, and lovingly taking care of him for 4 years now, and dealing with these episodes. At first I did get drawn into his arguments, but have since learned to calmly say I won't stay and fight. My walking away even in silence makes him even MORE nut's. He then feels like I'm being "disrespectful", and holds grudges for day's despite my immediate apologies. There IS no stopping his hysteria! No matter what I do he get's himself worked into a frenzy, and it's ALWAYS over nothing!!! It usually is after I do some amazing thing to make him happy. The event this week was over a valentine card he wanted to send to a dear old friend. He always felt it important to choose his own cards, but now he can't. I know how helpless and angry he feels. I offered to buy several so he could pick the best one, but he absolutely refused. I am a professional artist so I offered to make a really special card that was blank so he could write his own words inside. I wanted to do something that would be really beautiful and special. It took me two whole days to make, and my work on it was squeezed between making his meals, laundry, cleaning etc. He is still able to do his personal care like showers, trips to the kitchen etc. When I finished he yelled that it was too late to get there for valentines day. I had planned to send it express overnight mail so she would get it by noon today. Well, he screamed "You've been working on the stupid thing for 5 days now!!!!!", which was a total lie. Also, at his request I went out to buy the largest bottle I could find of her favorite perfume. I had to go to three places to find it, and it cost $100.00. He had given me $40 thinking it would be enough. He has been too weak to go to the bank, and refuses to let me go for him so it was all he had. Also, he has NO idea what things cost, and would never spend that much on perfume yet he insisted on the largest bottle. To help him because it was so important to him I spent almost a whole day running around for the damn stuff, and then made up the difference with my own money (I am disabled and have very little money). That he was happy with, but my gorgeous card, and the hours of work put into it were smashed to bits. I feel that if he is cogent enough to roll out the red carpet for my two selfish heartless sisters he can be kind to me too. I feel holding stuff in is wrong despite someone's illness, and I try to do it well. It is VERY HARD to know what to do, and I must say I resent your somewhat judgmental and patronizing answer. I was NOT helpful, and it's purpose was to inspire guilt. I assure you I feel absolutely ZERO guilt regarding the care of my father whom I adore. I have given up my own personal life in every respect to care for, and make his last years as comfortable and happy as I can. I would feel NO guilt if he passed in a fit of rage. His extremely angry outbursts (which he's always had by the way) are HIS OWN decisions, and would never be what I cause. I posted the question in the hopes that someone would have a clever and kind suggestion; not one of judgment,

I also read the "opinions" you posted to not only me, but also Susan 63. This site is about being FREE to unload our overwhelming stress, and KIND creative solutions to complex situations. So far the kind souls who've helped me, and who I've tried to help have not been designed to inspire guilt. NO ONE should think they should feel "guilty" over anything they do. They are ALREADY doing God's work which is confusing and painful. We are ALL trying our hardest to know what the best way to handle our own stress, financial problems, handling our time, sadness over the loss of our own freedom and emotions along with our parent's illnesses and needs. We're here because we need HELP! So please try not to judge another's handling or feelings about their stress. It's not what we all need. Just because you feel your way is the only way does not make it truth.

If anyone out there does have a unique answer to my problem, please feel free to help me. I'm sad about this upset that he's causing, and what options might help to diffuse his anger. I've tried talking to him when he's calm on the days that have no problems, but every time he stubbornly tries to blame me in some way. I'm EXHAUSTED. The hurt is gone over his words, but I do not believe verbal and emotional abuse should be tolerated by anyone who is sane. Why should he be any different because he's sick and dying. Keeping this in only sets up a habit of accepting it with others (especially men), and I fear of the habit following me after he's passed. I've been working in therapy for years on the topic of confrontation because I've never felt safe speaking up for myself. Now that I do am I supposed to just shut up again and take it????? I'm sorry for this extremely long post, but I feel it addresses a lot of issues, and I would hate for anyone to feel guilty if their parent died because of "THEM". NEVER EVER feel guilty unless you are literally abusing your loved ones, and you who know who you are if you do. Most of us here are loving caring people who love our parents. We wouldn't be posting here if we didn't!