I am the main care taker for my parents. May sound stupid but as I was helping unload groceries the other day, my dad let a storm door slam right on me. He knew I was helping and we always help with this door since it is broken and slams easily. I told him "OK that's enough". He didn't say oops sorry or are you ok. He just kept walking and said "you should have told me you were behind me". I am always behind him! I have listened to his verbal abuse for years but no one believes me when I talk about it b/c he has that other persona that he puts on around my 3 sisters and 2 brothers. I was beaten and abused by my first husband and maybe that plays into this. I don't know how to handle this. I would do anything for my parents and try to help them all the time but I just can't handle the verbal stuff from my Dad anymore.
One of my sisters and one brother live out of state and they send money to help but don't come round, one sister won't be involved at all, one sisters helps every few weeks and one brother helps every few months so I get the rest. Sorry this is long. I am at the end of my rope!
Help! Thanks!
Clearly, your mother is a danger to others given "she threatened to burn the house down." I sort of wish that you had her involuntarily committed for psychological evaluation which she really needs now with these stupid charges. I would find a good lawyer whose focus is family law because you are going to need one.
No you are not supposed to put up with such abuse but there are people who will try to make you feel guilty for putting them in a nursing home.
here's some info, written in 2008. This will give you enough to google term. Also search this website where this issue is covered regularly.
A totally overlooked source of money to pay family caregivers to provide care at home is the aid and Attendance Pension Benefit. This money is available to veterans who served during a period of war. Pension money is also available to the widows of these veterans. This benefit, under the right circumstances, can provide up to $1,843 a month in additional income to pay family members to provide care at home.
Mom's regular doc is fine about taking her off drugs for a trial of 'without" for a few weeks. Ditropan, Zocor, Seroquel, Namenda, and Ativan are all drugs we had problems with and stopped. She's now only on Zoloft as far as brain altering substances go. think we'll keep that one however.
Hope your mother improves!
So far to day, four days off Ativan and no other psyche drugs, Mom just had a bit of a meltdown when her dentures came out. Almost like a giving up the ghost, a non verbal variation on the 'I'm DEAD" schtick. Later she perked up and I was even able to wash out her ears without her thinking she was going to hell.
You know, we've taken this discussion way off the original poster's question. Sorry...
However, as I mentioned in my bear trapping manipulative behavior a few posts ago, if you do everything you can and the person is not responding, appreciating, cooperating...keeps repeating the same complaint over and over. I don't know about you but eventually I want to kick them into a hole and walk away. That's compassion fatigue.
However, in spite of the leg cramp problem, I am "happy" at the turn of events as far as her mental condition. She is now accurate about her aches, and throwing "fits' appropriate to the pain. She's not blithering "I'm DEAD" any more about every little thing, like her dentures are loose. I don't know how many hours I day I'd argue with her that she was really alive. Insanity for both of us. Ativan, good riddance. Now we'll see what her baseline craziness really is. Except for the leg cramps, so far so good.
Oliviajr
So, here is an image about complainers. A good shrink friend of mine, long deceased, shared in his biography that the thing that drove him nuts about some patients was this. Some patients came in to share their troubles with him, and he'd give advice of how to approach the problems. Next visit, the stories continue, more elaborate, and NO the patient had not tried his suggestion. He offers another approach. And it continues like that for not too much longer. He is on to them.
They are doing what he called "bear trapping." The patient was hiring his help but they were really trying to enlist him onto their side, trying to enroll the therapist as an expert cast member in their drama. Trying to persuade The Expert of the validity of their position and feelings. He saved a special place in hell for these clients. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall when he let them have it. And woe to the next client who tried it.
So your mother with her litany of complaints, accepting no help. My mother does this also with her "I'm DEAD" moan, and I have literally walked away from her after I offered everything I could think of to help. Ironically, I'd think of popping her with a quarter tab of Ativan to take away her anxiety. As it is with some of these mind altering drugs, they often create the symptoms you are trying to control.
After two days off Ativan, my mother is coming back to her senses and now complains specifically about a precise area that hurts or is cold. She understands what I am doing to help.
These sorts of drugs that may have been Rx'd to help, they can backfire on you. I am looking forward to seeing what is left of my mother after six months being on psyche drugs. So far, I like what is happening with her.
She was finally doing well after the surgery when she developed a bad lung infection. This will require antibiotics for another 18 months. So everything she had gained went out the window. She is weak b/c she won't get up more than about an hour and a half a day. She has only left the house 3 times in the last 6 weeks, twice to the store with me and once to the Dr. I put a "to do" list on her fridge of all the things the Dr told her to do. There is always an excuse not to do any of it. The main one is to get more PT to get some of her strength back. Won't do it even though I can find 5 places right next to her house to go to. My Dad feels he can't help care for her, he is 85. I truly don't know if he can't or doesn't want to and wants me to do everything for her. He is use to her doing everything inside the house. He does help with some things (taking the trash out, fixing breakfast, paying bills, unloading dishwasher at times, etc) that's why I don't think they need a nursing home. I do all the medical bills and dealing with insurance and Medicare (oh joy!). I love my Mother, she has been there for me thru some very rough times. She just won't do anything other than take medicine to help herself. I can't drag her to PT or the eye Dr or to get her hair cut etc. etc. But then she wants to complain about all the problems associated with not doing these things. So much more to it but I am rambling. I have a hard time turning my back on people that need help whether inside my family or out. I know what it is like to need some help and praying that I would get some. Yes I am in therapy so trying the best I can. I did try to get help for my Mom's anxiety and (I think depression) when she was inpatient rehab. My Dad would not allow the psychiatrist to do a consult....those Drs. are for insane people--his logic. Thanks for letting me vent.
Short visits work best. I can even take her out to lunch or shopping for a short time, but over 15 minutes in the car and it starts. I have a lot of trouble dealing with this, but I am getting better. I have always adored my mother and for 28 years since Dad passed away I have always tried to make her life better and happier. I think maybe I have to accept that the most I can hope for now is "good days."