Hiya,
My aunt is close to entering hospice due to late-stage Alzheimer’s. I am so torn on if and how to inform 2 people in our family.
She has one living son, the other died 10 years ago. He is an argumentative jerk in addition to being a HYPER religious nut. I have no problem at all with religions, but he is literally insane with it. When I was last in contact with him, his response to me bringing up his mother was "EFF HER!". I want nothing to do with him ever again. Should I even care about notifying him of his mother’s death?
My sister is also estranged from my parents and I. She was living in an apartment they owned for over 10 years and failed to pay the low rent the last year she was there, so they kicked her out. She had become addicted to opioids, and they finally had it. She has not spoken to them now in close to 2 years, even though they are about 80 years old, and my father has stage 4 cancer. I am disgusted with her ignoring them given all they have done for both of us.
My parents want nothing to do with her after being ignored. In my mind, it seems like a overreaction on her part to being called out on being a screw up with rent (she's 40).
I am the one that handles all sorts of crap in our family, from house repairs to lining up doctors, etc.
I am torn between "doing the right thing" by telling my cousin or my sister about my aunts impending death and going against the wishes of my parents and my dying aunt.
Part of me says screw them both, like they even care about her. The other part says it is something that should be mentioned. Just looking for opinions, thanks!
My brother told me the same "f him" about our dad, I don't know if he even knows he died in December of '20. My dad said he never wanted anything to do with my brother again after my brother told him to f off, who am I to force them together?
It sucks that we even have to question contacting close family in these situations but, it is a lifetime of choices and consequences that have led here.
Honor their wishes and know in your heart that is the important thing now.
It is sad that it comes down to this, but choices were made already.
Thanks for your reply!
Her living son- as you say his last words were "EFF HER!" I would say it is NOT your "responsibility" to let him know anything about her. He has made his feelings clear. He would be capable of finding out about her and seeing her if he chose to do so. I wouldn't tell him. However, if you think you feel struggle with guilt if you dont inform him and that will be worse for YOU...then go with that. You know YOU best.
Same thing applies to your sister in my opinion. If not telling her will feel worse for you, then tell her but not because it is your responsibility to do so.
I'm in my fifties now and I am eliminating the 'should' in my life situations. I am now following my gut more and its very freeing and I would say the outcomes are more authentic. I like it. Hope helpful and good luck with your decision on this.
Sounds very freeing! Thank you much for the reply!
Does your aunt have a POA? Will? etc. I guess her son is her next of kin and would probably be notified somehow by the system.
If anything, I would make a really quick notification via email or text, NOT a phone call to notify then when she dies.
I am not even sure if I have to open up probate, I am going to call our estate layer for guidance.
Thank you for the reply
Please go by your Aunts wishes and your parents.
When your Aunt dies you can contact her son then. Being her son, there may be things he needs to do concerning her death. If you are her POA or one of ur parents, that is revoked at time of death. If you or one of your parents are Executor, then the Executor handles everything concerning the estate. There is no reason to contact your sister about Aunts death since she has had nothing to do with your family.
She has no estate, she is on Medicaid.
My plan now with the son is to write a letter. I will state that she wanted no one to know of her death, but that I feel it is his right to know that she did die.
Let his hatred of her be buried with my aunt and not me or my family.
My dad was estranged from a half-brother for at least 40 years before he died, not for any real reason except Dad's mom divorced his brother's dad, and they each took the respective parent's side and Dad and his brother were 13 years apart and barely knew each other.
When my grandmother died, my dad wrote his brother a letter to inform him, and when my dad died, I wrote my uncle a letter to let him know. In both cases, it was just an FYI thing with no strings attached. My grandmother had nothing to leave to any of her sons, so there was no will to deal with.
My uncle wrote me a very kind sympathy letter after my dad died. He simply thanked me for letting him know, and he said, "I'm sorry to say your dad did not have a happy time in my father's home." Well, we all knew that already, but it was nice of him to say it.
You deal with the aunt and your parents. Your cousin and sister are way outside the inner circle who need to be informed of any of this now, and that was their choice.
I may do a letter to the son, and a quick text to my sister once it actually happens.
It pretty much confirmed what I was feeling, that these people wanted nothing to do with her before, why should they be part of it now.
I only care about my aunt, and helping my mother (she is very, very close with my aunt) get through this.
Thanks again!