I am curious if anyone else has had to face this issue and how you deal with it or have a life?
My mother has been diagnosed with dementia or early onset Alzheimer's. She is 60. I am about half her age and am trying desperately to be there for her while having a life of my own.
I have recognized that she needs a companion because she lives alone and constantly complains of being lonely. Eventually this companion will need to be full time, to make sure she eats right and takes her meds. I live in another country and come home as often as I can. However, I am thinking I need to move closer to her though I cannot live with her.
Why? I feel myself falling apart under the burden of trying to organize it all - make her appointments, keep them with her, cook, keep her company. I love her, but I feel like it would send me insane.
The other more serious thing is that my mom and I have an enmeshed relationship (parentification, spousification). Before her memory loss even. Even in my 20's I was still sleeping in the same bed with her when I would visit. She still expects me to. I remember going out with my friends and feeling guilty about doing so. Even now, when we spend the whole day together, she still makes me feel badly for going out with friends in the evening. I feel like her vulnerable state has only increased her dependency and I want to peel her off.
I am so scared of never being able to have a romantic relationship I can focus on and also feeling burnt out by the time I have children,as I feel like I have an adult child. Except this adult child tries to parent me like a 12 year old by freaking out if I come home at 9 thirty, but she needs attention and assistance.
I made a checklists to follow for the care of my care-receiver and put it in a folder. It ended up being not only a good resource to ensure I did not forget something...but for home health care workers to follow. I wish I would have known to do pretty much the following for someone as they cognitively decline:
1) Have the care receiver continue to do as much as they can on their own with support from family and a visiting caregiver. Do they like to go to the local senior center? Take them after they cannot drive anymore. Line up their meals and label with large print. Put signs around to help them navigate in their house,etc,
2) Once the senior center begins to let you know your loved one has declined too much for the concern of safety there, look to Adult Day Care during the day and in home care during portions of the evening and weekends. Focus on having someone present to assist for meal prep and during the meals.
3) Start looking and touring residential facilities to care for your loved one once she is no longer safe to be at home.When she is moved into one, you will continue to be very involved with her care and the issues of the continual cognitive decline.
During the above steps, you will also be lining up the legal and financial aspects...as well as continue to team and gain more and more members for what I called "team grandma". It truly takes a village.
You need a plan. If you get the makings of a plan together, you'll get more comfortable. Here's a place to start. If you don't have a healthcare and durable power of attorney for your mom, get them. If you don't know your mom's financial situation...how much money she had...where she has it...what benefits she may be entitled to...etc., etc., find out. Take an inventory. Is she eligible got social security disability? If so, make arrangements for her to apply.
I'm one of those people who believes that an adult child needs to step up. That's life.if you are an only child, that responsibility falls firmly on your shoulders. UNLESS your relationship with your mom is soooo toxic that you're better off living ad if she were dead. That's me. Others feel differently.
Yet. That DOESN'T mean you move in with her and vow to care or her for the rest of her life. In today's world, that could be the next 25 years. I've assumed she lives in The States. There are provisions for people in her condition. No one wants to see a beloved parent have to avail themselves of these, but sometimes there is no other choice.
I wish you well. And hope your oh-so young 60-year-old mom has an angel or two on her shoulder.
You must think this thru. Your young and need to think of your future. These years are your earning years. Good jobs are hard to get as you get older. Your Mom will only get worse and end up in a facility anyway. I agree, check out SSD. If a widow, she can get SS at 60. SSD will give her Medicare.
See All Answers