My Dad (has LBD) moved in and built an in law apt which he paid for. Since then, he has paid my sister to take him on errands vs hire a caregiver as he’s paying her half the going rate. My sister shows 50% of the time depending on her need for cash. She is extremely toxic, bordering on being emotionally and psychologically abusive to whoever is in her crosshairs. It’s been this way since she was in her early 20s - she’s now 47. My parents have given her everything she’s ever wanted and has never held down a real job. My issue is that she is deliberately nasty and conniving and do not want her near me which is why I moved an hour plus away from my family years ago - just far enough that an effort would have to be made on their part (which they rarely did). My question is: do I have the right to forbid her on my property if Dad paid for his in law apt? To be clear, I know some families have issues with one another; this is different. My sister fraudulently transferred my moms house into a trust naming her sole beneficiary and her best friend trustee. She moved into my moms house after mom had a stroke and within a couple of years had mom hooked on so many pain killers, mom had to detox twice. The last time she was clean, mom almost od’d on a second fentanyl patch that sis “accidentally” put on Mom right after her discharge from detox. Shortly thereafter, mom had a 2nd small stroke and refused meds during the day - only wanted something to help pain at night. My sister started the morphine kit - it took her 8 days to die. Horrible to watch; no legal rights to stop it. Not mentioning this for sympathy but to understand my sister is really not a good person but do I have the right to forbid her on my property if Dad paid for the apt??
If you can't stand the sight of her, ask someone else to supervise her visit. If you're genuinely concerned that her behaviour towards your father will distress him, or involve some other kind of risk, then address that separately. But your dislike of her, however well founded, is not a risk to him.
When you father becomes incompetent the POA may need to protect your father from your sister.
I would encourage you to negotiate an agreement with your father that restricts the time and number of visits your sister makes and makes some provision for supervision of her visits by cameras, voice recordings, or another disinterested party. Create a written contract and get your sister to sign it before her next visit with your father.
I found an agreement signed by my estranged sibling that set basic ground rules (including being cooperative and respectful to everyone during visits) along with his agreement to be recorded very helpful. With consent to be recorded you can use the recordings with APS or in court to prove your sister's conduct (no more she said-she said). When he called APS after being denied access to my father for a week (per the agreement), I was able to show the recording to APS and justify why my sibling was being censored.
It's difficult to find a balance between a sibling that behaves badly (often our parents agree with this characterization) and aging parents who still want contact with their children, even as it risks their own physical, emotional, and financial health. You need to respect your father's choice of companions but that doesn't mean you need to take abuse from them either.
Does Dad need to get into your section because you share a kitchen. If so, can you get him a little frig and microwave? You could find or have a cabinet made that would hold the frig, the microwave on top and a cabinet underneath to keep snacks and stuff. Then you can lock off your area when your not there and when you are home.
Just a heads up, Dad paying for the addition could cause a problem if he ever needs Medicaid. Medicaid considers it an improvement on your house so its a gift. He could be penalized for it.
I truly fear what is going to happen when he is no longer around and she will be looking to her siblings for assistance. She is not stable and despises me. I may need a restraining order one day. Hopefully not.
I have no real advise but just wanted to say I hear you and you have my deepest sympathy.
But as Countrymouse said, if your Dad wants to see her, you can't stop him.
However the law stops when you consider the other issues. I’m not sure that your father has a ‘right’ to see his daughter wherever he wants, but it certainly isn’t a good look if you try to separate them. There are several options. Could your father make a regular arrangement to meet her somewhere else – perhaps at the shopping centre where she is going to do his shopping, for a coffee while he waits? Could you make a time in the week when she will come, so that you don't feel as though you have an open house and no privacy? Would her behaviour improve if you put in the cameras or sound recording as suggested by our techie friend, so that you can tolerate it better. Could you put a simple catch on the connecting door, and only hook it when you need to separate the sides -it will look better than locking them out. It would probably be worth trying a simple option first, before going as far as forbidding the whole property to sister and other people. If you have to get more ‘aggressive’ later, showing that you have done your best will be in your favour. Even if you think the options won't work, you need to protect yourself against actions (eg calling APS) that could be even more hurtful.
If you do fear that you could be in trouble for restricting your sister on your property--because she acts as caregiver, I also agree with others above in developing a contract that restricts her days of the week and time on property and allows for recording. Please see an attorney to protect you and to protect your father at the same time. All of you can sign it.