My mom is almost 85 and in good health. As she gets older she has become more and more fearful of death. The anxiety is just about destroying her life. She becomes so anxious that she will not eat, begins vomiting, can't sleep, and even suffers physical pain and discomfort like stomach aches and soreness. I try to help her to be at peace. She has had a good long life with many adventures and many great grandchildren. I have told her we will find a way to be at peace together so she can enjoy her remaining time, weather 10 years or 10 months. How can I help her? She loves to read. I was hoping maybe there's some kind of story that addresses the issue without being an outright self-help book.
Actually, that's wrong. There are many books on ways TO die.
But seems Mom is looking for ways to LIVE. Forever. That won't happen.
If you are telling us that your mom's physically ill when worrying about a fear of death, then know that this isn't normal.
I am 82. I was an RN. I have utterly no fear of death. But I DO fear losses and DO fear a slow descent that robs me one at a time of everything I am. And I think THAT is more the fear for elders, or more OFTEN the fear. It is more of debility and helplessness than of death. But mom may need some "talk therapy" to comb out her exact fear, and to deal with it best she can. We are at heart very primitive animals, and we fear the unknown.
I would start with MD visit with Mom (hoping you are the POA so you can attend or that she will allow for your attendance). I would express to MD exactly what is happening mentally and physically. I would ask for referral for neuro-psych test. Then to a psychologist if mom doesn't wish to try a mild anti-depressant first.
Do know that ultimately, whether or not she has these bouts of severe anxiety, she will not REMAIN in them forever; as someone who twice has weathered a bit of cancer, I can tell you we just cannot stay afraid all the time. We have bouts of fear. We move on. That's life.
Again. We all know on some level that we will die. It is fairly unimaginable on the face of it. Mark Twain said that he had utterly no fear of death because he had been, for many years before he was born, dead, and it had done him no appreciable harm.
We go to bed every night and we kind of pray to go--but to SLEEP. Which is-- sorry-- kind of the same as a mini-death. We in fact often say of a good sleep "Wow, I was dead to the world".
So, it's important to get mom professional help here. There is little you, I, or her friends can do to assuage her current "reactions". Bouts of severe anxiety often manifest as a "fear of" (death? falling? serial killers?).
As an 82 year old I assure you that we DO think more often about our demise--and about what may lead up to it. So partially what she's doing is "normal". The violent physical and emotional reactions is NOT "normal", so off you go to professional help. I wish you luck and I hope you'll update us.
Cause those who believe in an afterlife can take comfort in that at least. If she is an atheist then yes, I could see why she would be fearful.
Is it death itself she is anxious about or the possible pain etc. that may happen as she approaches death?
As far as stories that address the issue. Well, there's the Bible. If it's stories about the actual death process. I'm sure others could recommend books for that.
Again, sorry if talk of God and the Bible offends. But as a Christian I would be remiss if I didn't at least mention it.
I suggest you read this book together:
To Heaven and Back: A Doctor's Extraordinary Account of Her Death, Heaven, Angels, and Life Again: A True Story
by Mary C. Neal (Author)
4.5 4.5 out of 5 stars
In 1999 in the Los Rios region of southern Chile, orthopedic surgeon, devoted wife, and loving mother Dr. Mary Neal drowned in a kayak accident. While cascading down a waterfall, her kayak became pinned at the bottom and she was immediately and completely submerged. Despite the rescue efforts of her companions, Mary was underwater for too long, and as a result, died.
To Heaven and Back is Mary’s remarkable story of her life’s spiritual journey and what happened as she moved from life to death to eternal life, and back again. Detailing her feelings and surroundings in heaven, her communication with angels, and her deep sense of sadness when she realized it wasn’t her time, Mary shares the captivating experience of her modern-day miracle.
Mary’s life has been forever changed by her newfound understanding of her purpose on earth, her awareness of God, her closer relationship with Jesus, and her personal spiritual journey suddenly enhanced by a first-hand experience in heaven. To Heaven and Back will reacquaint you with the hope, wonder, and promise of heaven, while enriching you own faith and walk with God.
https://a.co/d/dn7I0Ec
Once you begin to take the fear out of death, then you begin to truly live and enjoy your lives. This is one of several books I highly recommend to get you started on the path of realizing that life is eternal.
Best of luck to you.
If you consider yourself open minded and have never given God a chance to speak with you, now is the time.
There are medications as well that help folks with anxiety.
And you say in your response below that she is concerned more about those she'll be leaving behind, so then it's up to you all to reassure her that you will all be ok when she does leave this world for the next.
I had to say those exact words..."I'm going to be ok" to my late husband when he was on his death bed, even though I knew deep down that he already knew that as he knew everything I'd already been through with him over the years. But I said them to reassure him that it was ok for him to go be with Jesus and not to hang on for me.
And since your mom loves to read there are a lot of good books about death and dying(too many to list, but you can "Google" them)that may bring her some peace about it all.
But for now I would start with talking to her doctor about perhaps some anti-anxiety medications to see if that might help.
God bless you both.
Help her prepare. I think being prepared takes some of that anxiety away.
Ask her what she wants.
If she refuses to talk about it and this upsets her this much then talk to her doctor and medication to help with the anxiety might help.
Talking to a therapist might help if she is willing.
Do you know if anything happened to her at any time that makes her so fearful?
Yes, we all fear the unknown but it should not be so debilitating that it effects you daily.
Just a side thought talk to her about how thankful you are for everything that she has done for you and the rest of the family. The fact that she raised you well she has prepared you to be ok when she is no longer there to help. Maybe if she knows that everyone will be ok will take some of the anxiety away.
So I would keep the conversation about death light, and when mom is upset, say something small to acknowledge her feelings but don't say a lot.
Like say, it really sucks we are all getting older, and I worry about it also, but it is life. We never know from one day to the next , what tomorrow will bring and shrug your shoulders a little, and walk away.
Try not to let your feelings and worry show to mom.
This is hard, for many.
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