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A lot of elders get more needy, demanding and rude as they age. Dementia might accelerate this, but it doesn't normally obliterate it over the short term. In short, if they are acting differently around store clerks and medical personnel, then they know how to moderate their behavior. They just choose to use someone, usually a LO, as their punching bag.
Right and having the cognitive awareness to quickly adjust or dial down their behavior around others demonstrate someone who is aware of what they’re doing- not something a true dementia patient has the ability to do as it is contrary to what dementia is.
some people misunderstand this, they think it’s “part of the disease” it’s not. While it’s true dementia patients moods can change from happy to irritable etc it isn’t based on who’s around. If they’re mean and irritable it’s their mood no matter who’s around- if they’re mean and abusive around one person and suddenly dial it back when another person appears that’s manipulation pure and simple
My mother was always this way: two faced. Acted like a loving and sweet person when others were present, then turned on the snarling grimace to her 'loved ones' as soon as the 'outsiders' left her presence.
Guess what? She's the SAME WAY now that she has advanced dementia!!! And her diagnosis was not 'wrongly diagnosed or applied' either; it was diagnosed in 2016 and has progressed according to the books ever since. She was accepted into Memory Care AL in June of 2019 when her dementia was at the moderate stage.
So, those who tell you such a thing is 'not possible' do not know what they're talking about. Because I am here to tell you it IS possible. Dementia takes the person they USED to be and MAGNIFIES it, that's all. So if they were big phonies before dementia kicked in, they're BIGGER phonies now.
My mother can no longer understand language, pretty much. If she's told to drink some water to take her pills, she'll chew them. Yet, she can schmooze her way through a 'conversation' b/c she still has the muscle memory to tell you how 'lovely you look' or remember to ask, "how is the family doing?" regardless that she won't understand what you answer her with. That's showtiming at its finest.
So the wife here with dementia is showtiming when she's nice and loving while others are around and verbally abusive to her husband the moment the others leave. She relies on muscle memory to act sweet & nice to the 'outsiders' and back to her old, normal self once they leave.
Now, my 95 y/o aunt had Alzheimer's and towards the end, she was catatonic. She was unable to speak at all. So while she was great at showtiming before she became catatonic, naturally she was unable to do that once she advanced to the stage where she became non-verbal. I'm sure my mother will stop showtiming as well if and when she reaches the point of being totally non-verbal. But as long as she's able to speak, she's able to wink, giggle and showtime quite well.
She also knows, to some degree, that what she's doing is wrong, too, because the other day she told me she 'had a fever and her carer was there taking care of her.' I said, put the caregiver on the phone please. The gal got on the phone and I asked her how high mom's fever was. She laughed and said 'your mom does not have a fever; she's sitting in her wheelchair WINKING at me.' Real funny, huh? So yeah, they can certainly know what they're doing is wrong but choose to do it anyway.
That's been my personal, first hand experience with the question you're posing.
Spot on; my mom was like this and as her condition worsened, as she lay on her deathbed, becoming less able to speak, etc., there was an amazing note of Grace: a look of realization crossed her face since she could no longer run her 'trip' on me or anyone else: she had to see us as people, people who were actually There For Her. It was just a moment, a moment I'll always be thankful for, given the lifetime of 'phony' two-faced treatment mom laid on everybody because of her Narcissism. Better late than never, a blessing for both of us.
The word I learned here is "showtiming." Putting on a show of what socially acceptable -- good behavior, nice words and attitude, etc. -- for others, a performance. But the person they live with sees the real person, not the act. My husband has been a showtimer for years (I just didn't realize that it was actually a thing!) but now folks are beginning to see through his act. I'm sure others can explain showtiming better than I have.
Dementia like mental illness is a diagnosis that unlike cancer or diabetes can be loosely or wrongly applied. There’s different reasons this can happen. One example is let’s take a is manipulative and has a need for attention— this most commonly occurs with certain personality disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder. Through their life they look to different means to manipulate people to gain attention and get what they want. In their youth they may exploit their good looks or charm to do so. In their senior years they can feign being forgetful to manipulate- this is a tactic they use to avoid being accountable to their actions. There’s a growing awareness of this disorder that has some red flags that indicate a person is manipulating others. Most definitely one of them being abusive to one person when nobody else is around and then turning it off the abuse and suddenly conducting themselves in a nice and appropriate manner when others are around demonstrates obviously an awareness they’re aware what they’re doing. True dementia patients can change moods, yes definitely but that is different than quickly adjusting ones behavior according to who’s around. Abusive men do this they will be abusive to their girlfriend or spouse and when someone else comes in the room they immediately turn on a facade of nice polite etc
Its that police syndrome when you are around them you are so good but when they leave you are so abusive. She doesn't want anyone to know what she is doing. Its part of that disease believe me. I am dealing with a BIL with it when he is around people we are the best workers to help him and when he isn't around people we are the worst people. I became his rep. payee he tells everyone that he can talk to that I am stealing his money but when I am around and providing his needs I am the best person.
Need more info. Maybe her husband isn't the man you think he is. Maybe she thinks husband is someone else.
Maybe she blames husband for her problems.
Set up cameras and play back to see what happens when you get the whole story and then you can replay it to the dementia person and question them why?
If you see the person acting that way, Ask the person why and tell them it's not a nice way to act and to stop.
Tell the Husband to let his wife no he's not going to stay around her if she continues to act out and then whenever she does, tell husband to leave and go to another room.
Who knows, maybe this was the way she acted to him before dementia and you're just now noticing.
We all know that Bev has some odd ideas, but “Ask the person why and tell them it's not a nice way to act and to stop” is certainly another one of them. The answer to behavior like this is not as easy as ’please don’t’! Does Bev think that the ‘Ask’ has never happened already? Bev may have no experience and not a clue about care giving, but seriously, folks!
Cobc2021: Imho, what this woman is doing is known as 'showtiming.' She is able to put on a act for no doubt short durations of time. It's quite common.
I personally can't stand people with dementia because of their actions and behaviors and their outbursts. I have been horribly burned by them and am suffering the impact on my life as a result. As far as I am concerned, you do anything and everything - no holds barred - to make them stop and if this does not work, and most likely won't, you place them so you are not around them. They will destroy you and you must fight back.
Like more astute posters have said, dementia doesn't cause personality disorders, it EXACERBATES them from the usual Senior Brat stage, which is hard enough to deal with as it is when it includes narcissism, as per the usual.
I hope when I get to be Riley's age, that I act with that much dignity. Thank you Riley.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
some people misunderstand this, they think it’s “part of the disease” it’s not. While it’s true dementia patients moods can change from happy to irritable etc it isn’t based on who’s around. If they’re mean and irritable it’s their mood no matter who’s around- if they’re mean and abusive around one person and suddenly dial it back when another person appears that’s manipulation pure and simple
Guess what? She's the SAME WAY now that she has advanced dementia!!! And her diagnosis was not 'wrongly diagnosed or applied' either; it was diagnosed in 2016 and has progressed according to the books ever since. She was accepted into Memory Care AL in June of 2019 when her dementia was at the moderate stage.
So, those who tell you such a thing is 'not possible' do not know what they're talking about. Because I am here to tell you it IS possible. Dementia takes the person they USED to be and MAGNIFIES it, that's all. So if they were big phonies before dementia kicked in, they're BIGGER phonies now.
My mother can no longer understand language, pretty much. If she's told to drink some water to take her pills, she'll chew them. Yet, she can schmooze her way through a 'conversation' b/c she still has the muscle memory to tell you how 'lovely you look' or remember to ask, "how is the family doing?" regardless that she won't understand what you answer her with. That's showtiming at its finest.
So the wife here with dementia is showtiming when she's nice and loving while others are around and verbally abusive to her husband the moment the others leave. She relies on muscle memory to act sweet & nice to the 'outsiders' and back to her old, normal self once they leave.
Now, my 95 y/o aunt had Alzheimer's and towards the end, she was catatonic. She was unable to speak at all. So while she was great at showtiming before she became catatonic, naturally she was unable to do that once she advanced to the stage where she became non-verbal. I'm sure my mother will stop showtiming as well if and when she reaches the point of being totally non-verbal. But as long as she's able to speak, she's able to wink, giggle and showtime quite well.
She also knows, to some degree, that what she's doing is wrong, too, because the other day she told me she 'had a fever and her carer was there taking care of her.' I said, put the caregiver on the phone please. The gal got on the phone and I asked her how high mom's fever was. She laughed and said 'your mom does not have a fever; she's sitting in her wheelchair WINKING at me.' Real funny, huh? So yeah, they can certainly know what they're doing is wrong but choose to do it anyway.
That's been my personal, first hand experience with the question you're posing.
Prayers to the family
Maybe her husband isn't the man you think he is.
Maybe she thinks husband is someone else.
Maybe she blames husband for her problems.
Set up cameras and play back to see what happens when you get the whole story and then you can replay it to the dementia person and question them why?
If you see the person acting that way, Ask the person why and tell them it's not a nice way to act and to stop.
Tell the Husband to let his wife no he's not going to stay around her if she continues to act out and then whenever she does, tell husband to leave and go to another room.
Who knows, maybe this was the way she acted to him before dementia and you're just now noticing.
Prayers.
I hope when I get to be Riley's age, that I act with that much dignity. Thank you Riley.