I have a 70 year old relative I've recently reconnected with. They have pretty bad memory issues from a stroke, moved here to Southern California to live with one of their children. This situation is honestly not ideal for anyone, for several reasons, and I've been listening to their complaints and fears and trying to help as I can. However I've learned from another of their children that this is more than dementia, it is mental illness that goes far back into the sons' and daughters' childhoods. My relative refuses to take the medications that were prescribed in the past, and just continues to make life miserable for all.
I've given some advice, such as getting POA and other legal docs in order before incapacity is diagnosed, if possible. There is some, but not a lot of money in the bank, plus SSA income. It's looking like involuntary placement is going to be in the near future, but what kind of facility, and where to start? I did mention an elder law attorney, but the response was rather skeptical.
I know this is not my responsibility, but I'd like to help as I can. I've been through some of this before and know how daunting it is. Do any of you have advice?
Stay as far away from this as possible.
I don't know what connection you have, whether to this person him/herself or to one or more of his/her children, but keep it down to SYMPATHETIC LISTENER.
If you do choose to intervene in any way then PROMISE me you will not do it without reading the memoir by Liz Scheier called Never Simple. Not a new book and cheap used on Amazon. This is Ms. S.'s story of her attempts LIFELONG as an adult to caregive her mentally challenged Mom. She was a smart woman, enlisted the help of the Social Services network of the entire state and city of New York. ALL TO NO AVAIL.
Dealing with dementia is nearly impossible. Dealing with mental illness IS impossible. And being POA for an unreliable and uncooperative person is a nightmare whereas doing it for a very cooperative and loving senior is only a bad dream. To put it another way, it's impossible. It is in my humble opinion ever so much better to leave guardianship to the state. The legal system will not do anything to help management of a mentally ill adult.
Not everything can be fixed. It is impossible to comb out what is dementia versus what is mental illness, and 1,000 doctors can't help that fact.
I would listen to family, and I would sympathize. I would point them toward APS and wellness checks. The outcome here is not going to be good and you need it not to be in any way your responsibility.
It is legal in the US to be unmedicated for mental illness.
The best thing you can do is provide supports to the children.
I am always cautious when I hear a response from others that is 'black and white' ... do this. To me, support is encouraging a person to find their own answers, although certainly everyone here means well and generally respond based on their own experience ... which, in part, is what this forum is about. With this said,
I sense that you need to process your feelings 'more' - to understand the boundaries/ limitations of your 'I'd like to help as I can' - what this means to you.
* And, I realize that perhaps this is why you are asking us for feedback; you are unclear about how you feel in relation to how much you involve yourself.
* A person who refuses to take medication may be due (from/) to:
1) mental illness interfering with their cognitive functioning;
2) a clarity of knowing they do not want to be kept alive by medication; they are ready to let nature take its course.
3) A realization of what they went through with prior medical issues and not wanting to 'go there' again (understandably).
* From my experience (both personal and observed) is that the 'wanting to help' person doesn't understand the magnitude of what it means to 'get involved - wanting to help' - and (may) get on over their head emotionally, energetically, physically, and mentally - and without (knowing how/) setting boundaries, they burn out ...
If I were in your place, I would do a thorough inner processing of what is motivating you and assessing what you can realistically handle / manage.
In addition, there may be more value (?) contributions you can make by supporting the immediate family.
- If you meditate, this might be a good time to go inside, quietly, and see what comes up.
Lastly, the reality is that a person wanting to help can only do so much. There comes a time to realize that 'letting go' and letting nature take its course, trusting in something larger than yourself needs to be considered. It is a way to 'let go' of the self-imposed pressure to 'help' when the actual help could be being a good listener (really important) and nothing more ... to help / support OTHERS to examine their beliefs, values, decision making process so they can figure it out.
None of these situations are easy to manage; they are hard.
We are talking about the nearing of / ending of life and / or the pain that is being caused in the transitioning towards the end.
First and foremost: take care of yourself as without doing that, you are unable to be present to support another - be it the person themselves or the immediate family.
I appreciate you asking us for support and encourage you to go outside and look at the flowers, do gardening ... look at the cloud formations ... the wonder of nature. This will give you a shift in perspective ... and hopefully re-center yourself with loving kindness.
Gena / Touch Matters
Its going to go how it’s going to go and I’d suggest you step back and let that happen.
We have the brain we are born with + our personality + life experiences that shape us + our mental health at any given time.
Then add the expected affects of aging.
Then add effects of illness & disease.
The brain controls so much. Brain changes can effect so much: mobility, mood, behaviour, communication.
As a whole package, at age 70, with Hx of stroke & mental health issues, it may not be productive to differentiate - between the brain injury damage from stroke, any new or getting worse vascular dementia & mental illness.
It's all mixed up together.
Therefore a more wholistic approach may highlight what this person will need. Eg supervision & assistance. Plus a big team of caregivers.
All I think you can do is listen. Maybe offer an ear when the main caregiver is overwhelmed. At a level that is not burdonsome to you eg not become the everyday listening post.
Suggest getting help eg a bigger team.
I would keep my distance and sort of help on the sidelines, but it doesn't sound like it is much anyone can do at this point.
I've seen cases where someone suffered from Wernicke Korsacoff (dementia caused by long term drinking). The strange fact is that I couldn't tell the alcoholic behavior from the dementia since they both mimicked each other.
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