Can someone with mild/moderate dementia use their memory loss to manipulate?

Does he know he has m/Dementia or live in a faciliaty that cares 4 people like him,where he can learn how to manipulate people to get his way,I do'nt like to put it that way,but I can see it happen. The ? I must ask is, whether u can see episodes he manuveres,himself into a position where other people feel bad 4 him & just say yes,or he does'nt know what he's doing in any thing

Good question. I have a resident who is similar to this scenario. I'm not sure about the repeating questions, I would assume when they have that short term memory loss, the time between remembering and forgetting, they don't argee with your answer they may ask it again, OR, they want reassurance. The last part about going back in time, I would have to disagree that they act out their last memory. I have a few resident who go far back as being a child and looking for their mothers house and carrying babies around. I would surely think that your memory doesn't stop at childhood. Also, I have a resident who has severe dementia and his daughters will come in and see him. A few hours later when I do care on him I will ask him if he saw them today and he will say yes, but he doesn't know their names. I don't think these people are taking advantage of their illness at all, I truly believe that this is the process of brain degeneration. This is only my opinion, I'm not a doctor. Hope it kind of makes sense.

Tracy, I've seen this pattern often, and it makes me very sad and frustrated. A relative or friend or bystander does not believe that the patient really has something wrong with his brain, does not accept that the patient cannot control his forgetfulness, and is suspicious that the person is faking it or using it to deliberately manipulate others.

No. People with dementia do not keep track of how many times they've asked a question, or if they ask it more under some conditions than other others. An outsider may make these observations but that doesn't mean the dementia person is doing it consciously.

My heart breaks for the person with dementia who is treated with suspicion.

The kind of dementia my husband has -- Lewy Body Dementia -- is characterized by fluctuations in cognitive ability. When people with this disease are in a care center that has not handled it before and has not made an effort to learn about it, staff sometimes accuse them of faking it. How can they not know how to do that this afternoon when they could do it this morning? They must just be trying to manipulate us. I've heard about this from fellow caregivers frustrated at how a care center is handling their loved ones more than once. Sad, sad, sad.

In any kind of dementia, there are ups and downs. There are things the person can do and other things they can't. There is not a uniform level of disability across all aspects of mental activity.

Sometimes even new caregivers can't accept the reality of their loved one's dementia. A wife will be outraged that her husband is behaving this way because she knows perfectly well he could do better if he tried -- he could do better yesterday. Sigh.

Sorry. This question pushed one of my hot buttons!

It really isnt manipulation, but as the dementia progresses they become more and more self centered. They do not like to be told what to do, or to be told no, etc.. They can become paranoid and feel that those around them are not telling them the truth. In their minds they are right..."I did wash up and changed my clothes this morning" " No I didnt take my pills yet" etc..etc..etc.. It is the disease talking. No one is immune when they have Dementia, the nicest and sweetest person in the world becomes someone else with Dementia.

Thanks for the feedback. The person I was speaking about is the second husband of a relative of mine. He knows that he has dementia but is in denial about his limitations. I am concerned for my relative because she was often manipulated by her husband prior to the onset of his dementia and she is having a hard time standing her ground with him now that he has dementia. It got to the point that she ran herself ragged taking care of him. Finally, she ended up in the hospital and he in a nursing home. She now lives with us and he lives in a nursing home nearby. What prompted my post are situations like this: If she tells him she will visit him tomorrow, he remembers she's coming. If she is unable to visit because she is in dialysis, he calls and calls and calls asking if she will visit and gets short tempered about her not coming. If she caves in a tries to visit even though she's exhausted from dialysis, he stops asking. I just don't know what to make of situations like this and want to protect my relative from being manipulated into overdoing it and hurting her own health again.

I am also frustrated because we have not been told what type of dementia he even has, other than it is not Alzheimers. He is scheduled for a test to determine the severity of his dementia next month. I hope that we find out his type so that we can arm ourselves with information.

Tracy, here's my take: Regardless of the reasons behind the husband's demands, your relative must protect her own health and sanity. Hubby does not recognize his limits (very common with dementia) and it sounds like your relative does not recognize her limits (very common in caregivers!). My husband has dementia and I would love to be SuperWife. Alas, that hasn't worked out so well.

If you can help your relative recognize her own limits and that she is a wonderful caregiver even if she can't be SuperWife and do everything Hubby wants done, that would be a kindness. And she needs to take care of herself whether he is deliberately manipulating her or he can't help it and the dementia is driving him.

If you do get a more specific tentative diagnosis, that would help you learn more. Absolute diagnoses are only possible via a brain autospy, but usually an educated guess can be made by professionals.

Good luck to all of you.

Tracy, this is a question I can really relate to. My Mom, with moderate non-Alz dementia, lives with my husband and me, and lately I had begun to wonder if she was actually FAKING some of her forgetfulness just because she wanted attention immediately instead of waiting. Such as: she has a cat (she lives in a separated suite w/ living, bedroom, and bathroom) and interacts with us in our part of the house whenever she wants to. But she constantly comes out of her "apt" and requests more canned cat food. (the cat has kibbles always available, but I monitor the canned food) I tell her it's not feeding time yet, but I will see that kitty gets fed when it's time. FIVE minutes later she's back again, asking for the cat food. This goes on and on and on, until I finally give in to the request and give the cat more food. Then she's quiet and happy. She doesn't get belligerent about it, but is just annoying, like a pestering two-year old. If I lose patience and say, Mom, I just TOLD you that it's not time for kitty to be fed yet," she says, "I don't remember that you told me that." I would think she was pretending not to remember, and just wanted her way without waiting. And I was beginning to feel that she is self-centered, and always thinking about her needs, even though I may tell her one day that I'm not feeling well, so we won't be able to do such and such this morning, and ten minutes later she's asking me what we're going to do for the day for HER entertainment, because she's bored. I would feel frustrated, and couldn't understand how she could only think about her own needs, like a self-centered child.
After reading the comments above, from Jeanne and Cwac, I feel somewhat ashamed of my thoughts that my Mom is faking it, and selfish. I'm glad I saw this posting, because it has brought me a greater understanding of what the illness is doing to my sweet Mom's brain. (She really is a sweet Mom.)
Thanks for the question, Tracy, and thanks for the good and helpful responses.

thats exactly what i think. i watched my mom go through alzheimers/dementia, but since she was so sick, she was in a hospitol. but my dad, 86 is doing exactly how you describe, its as if hes in his 20,with the argument attitude/style of a kid, i think they do revert back to earlier times/age, im not sure proper terminology here, but ive noticed the very same thing in dad

oh, about asking same thing over and over, i think they hear the answer for like a second, then forget. thats why they ask again, its as if they cant access the answer you just said, but you cant get frustrated with that one. just answer her as if its the first time she asked..
after all, we all do that sometimes. picture youve got 3 projects going at once, someone askes you something, do you always remember what they asked? have you ever walked into a room and thought, 'now what did i walk in here for?' we all do that.
i also notice that its like the more alzheimers sets in, the brain starts 'dumping' un-necissary information, like they dont need to remember what color car they had when they were 32, the brain starts losing knowledge it no longer needs. the brain goes into 'limp home mode' as my car manuel says, its just enough to get you there.
basicly thats why they dont recognise people they havent seen in a while, the brain is dying out with the body, so it only retains the knowledge it needs.i also think that the brain is preparing for death, thats why they get the stare...that glassy eyed stare is being 'reborn' if you will, on the other side.. thats what i think, im not a doctor, just an observer..
its like a chandelier. people are the bulbs. each bulb that goes out is a person they no longer recognize.. so if you havent seen granny in 20 years, yeah, she doesnt know you.your bulb went out and it wont come back on.so while they still do recognize you, make sure you keep your bulb lit. make sure you stick around that person because it must be scary to not know people who say they are your loved ones, but if they have one person they do recognize, keep close to them. once your bulb goes out, its out.. hope that made sense

My Mom has dementia. She will continually ask the same question sometimes 3 or 4 times a day. it is not that she does not like the answer-although I am sure a lot of times she does not-she truly does not remember asking the question in the first place. This is a nasty disease that robs people of their ability to function "normally" whatever that is. She is losing her eyesight too to a condition for which there is no treatment. sometimes she will ask me 3 or 4 times in a day to go see the doctor so they can "fix" her eyes. When i expain to her each time that it will do no good to go see the doctor she says-then i am going blind?? I will assure her she will keep her perifial vision and not go totally blind and she seems to accept that answer then. 2 hours later she will call me and ask to go see the eye doctor. She has no memory of our conversation. Time has no frame of reference for her at all. I hope this helps you reallize that noi, they are not necessarily trying to manipulate you to get the answer they want. They truly do not remember from one minute to the next that the question was ever asked.

instead of explaining to her why the doc cant fix her, try saying something like ,'yeah mom, we got an appt next week, remember?' if her memorys not that good..
my mom used to swear on a bible that the president would always come for sunday dinner. ( she thought swarzenegger was president,when she'd see his pic) my dad would go nuts trying to explain why this could not be, i told dad ,'as long as shes not making threats because he didnt show up, were ok.) trying to joke a bit. but when she would tell me how they had a lovely time sunday, id just say ' oh yeah? what did you guys eat?' cool!! that sounds really good, any left overs?' this made her happy....at least she'd smile and not harp on it...when she talked about 'the guy that did that thing over there, remember?'; id be like ' oh yeah, i remember him, he wasnt very nice;'. people in the room would look at me like i was nuts, but it made her happy... if shes happy, thats a good thing, right?

but when they do ask same thing over and over, really, you cant get mad at this, ( not you personally, in general) just answer like you did first 20 times. or answer her different, see if she looks at you different, that way you know shes playing with you a little.. i think they test/play with us, like kids would do...they go back to infant almost before death. we start out in diapers, we end up in diapers... we should all buy stock in diaper companys...

My situation is that I feel like I'm demented because my mom has driven me to that point. Let me start by saying that it has only been me and my mom since my father passed 30 plus yrs ago.....My mom has a very very strong personality, it borders abuse growing up with my three older brothers, who actually take no role in helping me with mom, and they feel that I should put her away....I have brought my mom to every type of dr. from holistic to accup. i have her on many suppliments to help stimulate and bring blood flow to her brain...Her last ct scan 6/12 showed mild ischemic disease...basically there are/is leisons in the brain....I've been on this journey with my mom since 2008.
It started as severe depression, which she had 50yrs ago when she lost a baby and had to have 15 shock treatments....My problem is that my mom has controlled and manipulated me from the day on, I allowed it because it was just her and me....however, if she is not in control of things, she can make your life a living hell...she has an extremely difficult personality to begin with...the dr. recommended to me that she needs shock treatment again....she's 83yrs and I said no.....Ironically I work in a nursing facility in recreational therapy, but work mainly with profoundly retarded children, and I also see and know some of what dementia/alzhs and full blown Alzheimers look like...and I'm not 100% convinced as to whats my moms problem, yes there is memory problems, yes there is the constant repeating of question...only one mainly and thats, wheres the bathroom....everything in my house is labled, she is as sharp as a tack and doesnt miss a beat....I feel that my mom has a mental illnes because she is absolutely manipulating me and to some degree a narcissus...for example: when im with her she will literally get up 10 times in an hour to go to the bathroom, and ask every single time...Wheres the bathroom? there are others issues but I will focus on this one...One day I had to call one of my brothers to come and watch her while I went to work....at the end of the day I asked my brother...so how many times did she ask you wheres the bathroom? he says, she didnt ask me at all, in fact I asked her if she needed help.
Well I nearly lost my mine, which showed me clearly her level of manipulation and using and abusing me. BECAUSE I DO EVERYTHING FOR HER (control)
and to my brothers the sun raises and sets on them....in her eyes...there are many other situations that I have logged that to me are clearly manipulating behaviors....the things that she does to me but not to others, and she is very nasty if you cross her...to repond back and answer quickly and shut you down...leaves me to beleive that she is acting and manipulating....yes there are memory issues she 83 yrs...If anyone has any ideas or suggestions??? as I said before my brothers take no part and told me to put her away, and live my life, but its my mom and I know whats best for her but she is soooo complicated...its not that easy for me....I've basically been taking care of her my whole life I'm 46yrs and really have no live???? thanks for your help in advanced

Mary914, you claim that you know what is best for your mother, but it sure doesn't sound like you know what is best for you.

I would never, ever, recommend or condone "putting her away." That sounds lke something you do for a terminally injured animal. But finding a suitable care facility and continuing to care for her there, advocating, visiting, and being certain she is getting the best possible care is a very viable option in my opinion.

Whether you keep her home or find another residence for her, it is clear that how you are interacting with her now is not working for you. You are certain that she is manipulating you and yet you continue to allow yourself to be manipulated. What's with that? Well, lifetime patterns of behavior are hard to change, I suppose. If you want to change and break out of the pattern, I suggest you get some professional help and support. You are definitely right that this is not easy for you. You deserve help.

If you were my sister, I would be giving you the same advice your brothers are giving you, worded a little differently, perhaps.

tracy~My father passed away due to Alzheimer's and my mother now has it. Unless he has had a history of being manipulative I doubt he is doing anything purposely. Let me explain: with dementia the person will have trouble recalling words, events,etc. so if they are talking with someone who gives them a word that sounds like it works they will accept it. As long as they feel you are not criticizing them they will go along with the conversation. It serves no purpose to tell them they have events or words wrong because does embarrass them so why do that to them when they already know they have trouble recalling information. The reason he repeats when others disagree because it has confused him. I suggest you not disagree (others as well), because the more he can communicate the better for him. You all already know he has the situation confused so there really is no point in letting him know that because it won't change what he remembers. Instead encourage him to talk and agree with him because it is important at this stage that he feels validated and he gets to retain his dignity. My mother repeats herself all the time, she thinks I am my sister when I call her on the phone, and I have noticed that if I tell her too many times I am not my sister, she ends the conversation. So you see correcting her is not in her best interest because I want her to communicate as it lets me know what is going on with her and whether I need to act in her behalf. Recently my mother has been telling me her toe is black. I asked her if she bumped it or if something dropped on it. She said no. I went over to her house to see it first hand...looks to me like a toenail fungus that has spread to the outside of the nail. The point is people with dementia/Alzheimer's describe things the best they can because of their inability to say the right words. Be patient and caring with this relative. The sad thing is we lose them twice...once to the dementia/alzheimers...and again with passing. My heart goes out to you and your family♥

Thank you, jeannegibbs, for your quick response...unfortunately when you have been programmed to take care your elderly...thats what you do....I'm reaching a point where I cannot support her and her behaviors anymore, simply because she does it to me and no one else, I'm alittle slow in understanding these things because I'm always in the mood of helping....I believe I need to hear it from others that the decision should be that she needs to be living away from me which would be best for the both of us...

She needs to be living away from you and that would be best for the both of you. :-)

But don't take my word for it. Get some professional input. See a therapist. Call in a social worker. Talk to her doctors. Listen to your brothers. And remember that it isn't only what is best for Mom that counts ... you deserve what is best for you, too.

Mary~I totally understand your frustration and concern. As I stated in my other post, my mother has Alzheimer's. She also has paranoid personality disorder which has torn my family apart with the abuse,etc. My mother has always been manipulative, verbally abusive,combative, and always a victim. You said your mother has had electroshock therapy which suggests mental illness to me. I agree that it is best for your mother and for your mental health that she live elsewhere. That does not mean you will not visit her, advocate in her behalf for her health...but it does mean that your mental health will not be a risk of depression and unnecessary guilt and chaos. You must do what is best for both of you and if that means placing her in a NH or assisted living, then do it.

thank you so much for all your support....I know at some point that decision will have to be made because a mother an daughter can get very complicated, even more so with a dementing illness....Thank you

One of my collegues who is an RN, a director of Quality Assurance at a physicians' group and an expert in her field, informed me that there were many cases where an individual 'faked' the extent of their dementia in order to manipulate their way -- for example, there was a case of an elderly man who continuously prentended to be lost in front of his own house so he could stop cars and just get the drivers to take him for rides all over town. He knew where he was when he wasn't doing this and always miraculously recognized his house after the jaunt. I wouldn't recommend telling a dementia patient like this that they are on a video or being watched, because the child in them will make it a game -- "wait, who are you? oh, is this April?" But, the levels of Altheimer's in my mother's case is sad and thankfully only the very beginning of a potential diagnosis. I think it is important to get 2nd and 3rd opinions before the physician 'arbitrarily' puts a patient on Altzheimer's or dementia medications. I would research getting a PET scan just for information and getting a baseline photo of the brain for neurologists to discuss (staging of the condition). Each patient is unique and has potential variables to consider, such as alcohol consumption which exacerbates symptoms of dementia. Good nutrition, exercise and a loving, fun, productive environment goes a long way too.

P.S. For Mary -- I know a little bit about what you are going through -- my mother was like yours from day one and the Altzheimer's (being told she has Altzheimer's) made it even worse. She uses it to her advantage. I've been through the bathroom thing and she likes doing in public even exagerates a limp for arthritis in the knee-- if she doesn't think she is on video, she walks just fine and knows where the bathroom is and doesn't need to use it...etc. Narcisstic, manipulative and uses emotional black-mail to pit siblings against each other. Oh what would I do without you?? -- one minute-- what does she do for me?! when they are out of earshot. Emotional abuse has been ongoing, I try to stay objective, don't beat myself up too much when she goads me into an argument and do things for me so I can help financially down the road -- she will need paid assistants who will be PATIENT and objective. It will be a job for them -- I suggest that to you and then the visits will be tolerable, if not hopefully more happy. Life is short. You deserve to be happy too and by doing the "right" thing (get your brothers' help) , you will be more free to be do more for yourself! :)

I've noticed by mother is somewhat like a two year old. She carries on but if someone strange comes into the room she shuts up. Likewise, when her husband leaves she settles down and goes to sleep. As soon as he comes home, she's back at it again. She just seems to think we will put up with everything when she's alone with us. Yesterday I wouldn't sit with her while she was talking loud and calling me names. It took a half hour but she soon settled down. I think it's control for her since she has no other way to have it.
She's bedridden and can do very little for herself. She would have us do everything but I will not do things she is able to do. She says she can't but we know she can get her own drink off the table, feed herself, etc. Someone is alwways there to help but I refuse to wait on her for the few things she can do. I just feel like she should do the few things she is capable of doing. I'm happy to help as long as she is trying.

My Mom has been tested by way of blood work cat scan of her brain and a verbal test.....because...she insist she has Alzheimer's. All test were conclusive ..she does not have anything wrong, infact, the doc said she was very very bright! Last month she had breast cancer and hadn't even seen the doc...after mamogram and ultra sound...nothing..so that's when she came up with Alzheimer's. She crys and crys. No one can convince her. What can I do. Please help

i like jeanes reply. with dementia the circumstances are going to steadily change and not for the better. your own methods will have to be evaluated and modified . i find that shifting the subject can sometimes be used to your advantage. short term memory loss can work in your favor at times.. a dementia patient is going to obssess on something, sometimes you just leave them on the least harmful obssession for the moment.. i think i just said two different things. trying to rationalize irrational thinking will do that to you. lol

I have my neighbor who just turned 92. I have known and cared for him the past 10 years now. I have seen him and experienced this behavior and I sometimes get so frustrated... He does get around great for 92, lives alone and pretty much demands his way and that's it, of course he was pretty much a boss or foreman at most jobs such as mining, constructions, cowboy at the JA ranch of TX. His two daughters used to make a point to at least be here once a year for his birthday and would not hear a word about behavior issues or any type of issues. This past year has been the worse, he recovered from broken hip, (but denying his own limitations) his drivers license expired, we (I go to assist, just in case)went to renew, and failed eye test. Went for new prescription, but refused a required dr. exam to sign a release form stating he was physically able to continue driving at this point, 6 months and two more eyeglass scripts later,(accusing the eye dr. of ripping him off and not knowing what he's doing) and yet still wanting more eye glasses. He will tell me, again (and he is deaf in one ear and hearing aid in the other) "I cant see, I cant hear, I'm crippled, I'm a hundred years old" this always comes up when he wants things done for him that he doesn't want to do for himself or deliberately making messes and it feels more like a control issue just to see how much he can get out of you. If your saying something that he does not want to accept or hear then out pops the "I'm deaf, I cant understand you, at the top of his lungs", knowing full well that we can hear, and at times I have seen him tune in to low key conversations and later discuss or ask about such and such and I'm thinking, (hmm, cant hear huh?) There have been times he will get out and start fiddling around with things like trying to crank an old lawn mower and instead of admitting he had not the strength to turn it over would declare the engine no good, I would go start it to show its ok it still runs, and then justify himself in blowing up at me and accusing me of trying to make him look weak and stupid.I have not seen him like this with other people that on occasion visit or interact with him, in fact, a pretty impressive, stable and coherent visit when it does happen for him. Other times If he cant find something right away, instead of considering the fact he might have misplaced something, he goes right in to accusing me or someone of stealing, or like when we found out he didn't pay his auto insurance and had a suspended reg. (he manages his own financials, and none of your business he would say.) and in pointing out the fact as to why he cant be driving all over town like this, (no ins, no tags, cant hear, cant see, and so on) claimed his cards were stolen. That is when I really saw him use his age and disabilities to his advantage, I would see him play dumb to the facts and go drive anyway putting a triple AAA sticker on the bumper and saying that he put a new tag sticker, and state id for ins. card. most of the time. I used to check on him and tend to chores every day. It has been over two weeks now since I have been back over to do anything for him. It is overwhelming, hurtful and heartbreaking and most of all, confusing! Regardless if the behaviors are game playing, manipulative or real, I suppose it is not a chance to take on an elders life, appreciate the times that are nice and the courage and strength to examine our own hearts and motives that we may show proof that we truly are caregivers... Thanks for this opportunity of sharing, may we all stand strong together caring for each other, for loved ones and for our elderly during the final storms and remember, as one of my favorite Aunts would say to me in difficult times, "this to shall pass"...

I have my neighbor who just turned 92. I have known and cared for him the past 10 years now. I have seen him and experienced this behavior and I sometimes get so frustrated... He does get around great for 92, lives alone and pretty much demands his way and that's it, of course he was pretty much a boss or foreman at most jobs such as mining, constructions, cowboy at the JA ranch of TX. His two daughters used to make a point to at least be here once a year for his birthday and would not hear a word about behavior issues or any type of issues. This past year has been the worse, he recovered from broken hip, (but denying his own limitations) his drivers license expired, we (I go to assist, just in case)went to renew, and failed eye test. Went for new prescription, but refused a required dr. exam to sign a release form stating he was physically able to continue driving at this point, 6 months and two more eyeglass scripts later,(accusing the eye dr. of ripping him off and not knowing what he's doing) and yet still wanting more eye glasses. He will tell me, again (and he is deaf in one ear and hearing aid in the other) "I cant see, I cant hear, I'm crippled, I'm a hundred years old" this always comes up when he wants things done for him that he doesn't want to do for himself or deliberately making messes and it feels more like a control issue just to see how much he can get out of you. If your saying something that he does not want to accept or hear then out pops the "I'm deaf, I cant understand you, at the top of his lungs", knowing full well that we can hear, and at times I have seen him tune in to low key conversations and later discuss or ask about such and such and I'm thinking, (hmm, cant hear huh?) There have been times he will get out and start fiddling around with things like trying to crank an old lawn mower and instead of admitting he had not the strength to turn it over would declare the engine no good, I would go start it to show its ok it still runs, and then justify himself in blowing up at me and accusing me of trying to make him look weak and stupid.I have not seen him like this with other people that on occasion visit or interact with him, in fact, a pretty impressive, stable and coherent visit when it does happen for him. Other times If he cant find something right away, instead of considering the fact he might have misplaced something, he goes right in to accusing me or someone of stealing, or like when we found out he didn't pay his auto insurance and had a suspended reg. (he manages his own financials, and none of your business he would say.) and in pointing out the fact as to why he cant be driving all over town like this, (no ins, no tags, cant hear, cant see, and so on) claimed his cards were stolen. That is when I really saw him use his age and disabilities to his advantage, I would see him play dumb to the facts and go drive anyway putting a triple AAA sticker on the bumper and saying that he put a new tag sticker, and state id for ins. card. most of the time. I used to check on him and tend to chores every day. It has been over two weeks now since I have been back over to do anything for him. It is overwhelming, hurtful and heartbreaking and most of all, confusing! Regardless if the behaviors are game playing, manipulative or real, I suppose it is not a chance to take on an elders life, appreciate the times that are nice and the courage and strength to examine our own hearts and motives that we may show proof that we truly are caregivers... Thanks for this opportunity of sharing, may we all stand strong together caring for each other, for loved ones and for our elderly during the final storms and remember, as one of my favorite Aunts would say to me in difficult times, "this to shall pass"... Oh yes, this has helped me to decide to go back and check on him and at least I guess see if he wants me to do anything for him... (btw, I am 54yrs) Thanks so much!

I totally get where the 1st question is coming from; and the subject is acting like one has dementia to manipulate, not folks that actually have it. My husband does this, and he claims it is memory loss, and I looked up the barrage of questions he asks [I counted, one day 25 in less than 10 minutes] as a way to deflect attention off them to someone else. It is exhausting for me. A friend pointed out that, he wouldn't be able to work, remember every transaction down to the penny and time, and yet cannot remember what I said 2 minutes ago, people's name so I have to re-introduce them a 100 times, can't remember where we are going, and all with questions that I have to drop everything, and most are rhetorical. I thought it was memory loss, but more and more, since he becomes violent and pouts if he doesn't get his way, I see it as attention seeking that he didn't get as a child. Now I am mean mommy, because I hate repeating myself, hate questions, so the fact I am trying to help him 100 times and I sense, he just wants his way so I give in, or I am a nag. Both our father's did die of Dementia, so I don't think this behaviour is cute. We did treat it as memory loss with testosterone, but then he just became violent. Talk about memory loss; I see comments of someone not remembering something a few hours or days before...this is moments, and I am so exhausted repeating and repeating and repeating everything over and over and over again.

LeoLady, if your husband is behaving this way to get attention, I don't understand why you stay with him.

It is a fact, however, that in dementia memory loss is not consistent and it can be amazing what can be remembered. Forgetting an answer he received 90 seconds ago is not uncommon in some kinds of dementia. I had a lovely aunt who could not remember what she said in the beginning of her sentence by the time she got to the end. Behavioral problems can also be part of some kinds of dementia.

If you think you he is forgetting names deliberately and repeating questions just to annoy you, you two need a marriage counselor, or you need a lawyer.

I suspect this really is dementia or some other cognitive impairment. In that case he needs to see a behavioral neurologist and/or a geriatric psychiatrist. There may be some other treatments that will help, and it will definitely help your relationship if you understand what is going on.

Good luck to you, LeoLady.

I dont think this is done deliberately. the only manipulation i see with mum is calling me a liar when nurses and carers ask her questions and "showtiming" she knows shes putting on an act in front of people because she told me she was? also lied to shrink on purpose and admitted to this.
bottom line is dont let any of the stuff get to you as its the illness you cannot reason with them OR wreck your head with wonder about thier behaviour i just let it all go over my head as it all made me ill with the stress.

Thanks Jeannegibbs. We aren't old, only middle age, so geriatric isn't the answer. The reason I have been patient; and I am not a patient person, is he was claiming it was actual medical problem of memory loss. No one that knows us would think he is like this, so to get support in a small town is hard; he just does this with me, or with friends, because he thinks it's cute. I finally confided in one friend that doesn't know us as a couple [we have only been married less than a year] about the violent outbursts and the constant questions...I went to her house last night with friends and got the silly questions from him like 'where does everyone sit? Does she have furniture?...How does one answer that, and I have explained the house a dozen times anyway, but I feel like answering 'no. it s barn and we sit on bails of hay'. I can't ever just tell about my day, have a conversation, because he cuts me off mid stream and inserts questions. He gets mad if I don't play, but at a point I stop answering the inane questions, in which he will either get really mad, or stop the line of questioning. I read that is a deflecting mechanism, and told him I saw thru it, and he stopped, for a while. Then he claimed it was medical, but when something actually happens at work, and he can work and remember just fine, he is lucid and can have a conversation. My friend said I should put on a silly hat when I don't want to be bothered with a barrage [I mean, I counted once 5 questions in the 5 steps i took, first thing in the morning]. It's like having an infant; I can't work or do school, because even if I am mid homework or project, he finds the need to interrupt with the questions. I am dreading seeing his childhood friend next week, who is pedantic and pretentious, so my husband goes into orbit of uber amiable baby that makes schecky jokes, so that's why I am getting the impression it isn't memory loss, it is attention getting that he has been doing all along. He said the other day he recalls his dad, a former brilliant attorney, doing the same thing and arguing with clients when he had indeed not represented them, and lost everything when my husband was still being passed from relative to relative as a child, so my hunch is it is learned behaviour. Why I stay is I have had little time, so I met a guy who was sweet and amiable, really ignorant on life, and I educated him, and now I have a giant baby that was taught to ask things like if there is furniture [some people think any question is clever; they are not], and the name of my friend who I went with, whom he knows personally [I tried to get him in Zumba to help memory, along with music activites]. I think he thinks it's cute, but what all it is rather is manipulation. Just like I keep asking him to do basic things; like scrape the dish and put it in the sink. Instead he hides them or jams sink, so that's like a naughty toddler and takes mean mommy all day long to fix what he has done, and he gets violent angry after I have asked him to change a simple task, which a 2 year old would throw a tantrum.