My parent moved in with my husband, daughter and I 8 years ago because my mother's medical costs left them no choice. My mother passed 3 years ago after a long illness of COPD and emphysema during which time I was her main caretaker plus working full time. My father is 93, in good health and still is with us. My daughter is a senior in college and this arrangement has been going on through her entire high school years as well as all of her college years. I come home and have no privacy, no room to have my own life at all. Every decision is driven by the fact that my father is there and he doesn't like it when we go anywhere. If we do go to a movie or dinner we feel obligated to ask him along since he doesn't have anyone in his life but us. I guess I am just exhausted at this point and depressed. I find myself just not wanting to go home anymore. Both my husband and I have pretty high stress jobs so it's getting to both of us. I know there isn't anything that can change, I just need to vent somewhere because at this point every time I leave the house I am in tears. Eight years is a long time and the relationships with both my parents have never been great.
Each state has somewhat different Medicaid rules, but there may be an assisted living situation where he could be with peers, or else maybe you can get some in-home respite help.
Please check it out.
Carol
TO ONE CAREGIVER TO ANOTHER CAREGIVER,
YOU ARE ALREADY BURNED OUT AND YOU ARE RUNNING ON RESERVED ENERGY. I'VE BEEN TAKING CARE OF MY MOTHER WHO IS IN ADVANCED STAGE OF DEMENTIA AND SHE LIVES WITH US.
MAY I GIVE YOU SOME HELPFUL HINTS.
1. YOU SHOULD JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP.
2. TRY TO ALWAYS GET A GOOD NIGHT REST..VERY IMPORTANT, BECAUSE WHEN YOU HAVE A GOOD REST YOU CAN THINK BETTER.
3. WHEN YOU FEEL THINGS ARE GETTING OUT OF CONTROL. JUST TAKE SOME DEEP BREATHS GO FOR A SHORT WALK. DON'T GO HOME RIGHT AWAY TAKE 15 MINUTES FOR YOURSELF, GO TO THE PARK OR THE LIBRARY JUST DO SOMETHING FOR YOURSELF. WHEN YOUR MIND IS CLEAR & PEACEFUL YOUR STRESS LEVEL IS REDUCED AND YOU CAN DEAL WITH THINGS BETTER. THESE ARE SOME OF THINGS THAT I DO AND THEY WORK BELIEVE IT OR NOT.
AND NEVER EVER BE HARD ON YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!
HANG IN THERE
PHYLLIS FROM NY
Please take care of yourself. I have been doing elder care for my father for 3+ years. It has taken a tole on both my physical and mental health. I believe the stress played a major role in my having had breast cancer, and everyday I feel like a nervous wreck. My father won't go to our nice senior center, he just wants to stay in the house where he constantly is either staring at me out the window if I try to do anything in the yard, or if I try to go anywhere, or he is asking the same questions over and over, "Where are you going? What are you doing? etc, etc, etc.". I have no privacy unless I hide out in my bedroom upstairs (we have told him the upstairs is off limits, but he still has gone up there on occasion), so now I don't feel like I have any privacy up there either. I feel like I am a twitching nervous mess, and that my father will out live me due to the stress he is causing me (he is 84, and I am about to be 53). You have done so much. It sounds like it is your turn to be cared for.
Austin is right. Take care of yourself so that you will be there for your dad when he needs you. Let others take the burden who are trained to do so. It is OK. Give yourself permission to be human. We ALL have our limits. Remember, we are here for you.
Mactavish, I identified with your feelings of no privacy. My father lives in an apt attached to our house so there is a door between us but he just comes over whenever the mood strikes him and we have to end whatever conversation we are having because he pays no attention to what we're doing, he just interrupts and starts talking. He is totally dependent on us because his friends are all either dead or sick and don't live near us and so we are it and it leaves me wrecked with guilt when I am at work or god forbid, go visit a friend for dinner or something.
I often wonder why he can't just say, it's OK, I will call you if I don't feel good, or to say, no, could you stay home tonight, I really don't want to be alone...I prefer honesty over the martyrish responses such as "ok, you have a good time" with a look of disgust on his face. He is 93 and I just turned 56, it's crazy that we can't have a more honest relationship but I just keep taking bubblebaths (he does not come in the bathroom) and praying for patience, love and understanding. I know the day will come that I will miss him, not the caretaking part but him as my father. Thanks again for everyone's responses.
See All Answers