My mom recently passed away and I am racked with guilt. She suffered a massive stroke that from what the MRI showed affected almost all of the right side of her brain. What that meant was that mentally she was seemingly "all there" in that she could understand everyone and speak through the right side of her mouth, but physically she had left side neglect (paralyzed). She kept failing the swallow test and had a feeding tube inserted thru her nose, and within a week after her stroke she was unable to open her eyes on her own and when the Drs checked on her they had to lift her eyelids. She then developed pneumonia AND was in agonizing pain from an undiagnosed back injury sustained when she fell during her stroke. The Drs said she could qualify for aggressive rehab but they had no idea how much recovery was possible especially with the back injury preventing PT, and that at best she would always need 24/7 assistance, which her advance health care directive stated she would not want. So I opted for hospice to give her some relief from the back pain and because she herself had stated this was not how she would want to live. The morphine eased her pain and she passed within 2 days. It all happened (stroke to death) in 10 days time. I cant help feeling like I should have tried harder to see how much recovery would have been possible. I am racked with guilt. I miss my Mom. I cant go back but I was hoping someone else out there has experience with hospice and going through feeling responsible for ending a loved ones life?
Please be comforted by your good memories and know that you honored your mom's wishes.
I am sorry for your loss.
She herself told you what she wanted. I believe she’d be proud of you.
I actually prayed God would've taken them sooner....whats the point in prolonging an end of life experience for ALL OF US? I feel relieved they're at peace now myself.
My condolences on the loss of your dear mom.
I had a LO that had a massive stroke too & passed within 1-2 weeks. It was a shock for the family. I have since been told that the chance of having further strokes with 2 weeks of the 1st one is very high. Either another massive stroke that ends life or smaller strokes that keep robbing more function.
Recovery from stroke varies so much. It is impossible to say of course what 'could have been' for your Mom. .. It's easy for me to say don't go there, what happened, happened. I understand the 'what ifs'. You are grieving. It will take time to process the shock & loss.
A friend's Mother had a massive stroke. 5 years of minor strokes followed, each one stealing.. mobility of one side, then both, then speech, emotion regulation. Awful.
My LO is a stroke survivor. Hemi-plegic, swallowing issues, incontinence, memory & emotions effected. Independant, driving, shopping to wheelchair bound & completely dependant needing fulltime care. Stable but no expectation of further gains. This is life now.
I don't mean to minimise your great loss in any way. But your Mother was spared those scenarios.
Kind thoughts to you today.
My Dad passed easily in his easy chair in just seconds. But both my Mom and my brother passed in hospice care. My Mom had CHF end stage and my brother had a diagnosis of Probable Early Lewy's Dementia, which was --mercifully in my opinion--shortened by a sudden sepsis from a tiny shin wound, and by subsequent failure of antibiotics to do anything but cause severe and profound diarrhea. He begged to go home on Hospice and died within two weeks.
As a nurse, no, I never felt guilt.
Guilt assumes responsibility that was never yours.
You didn't create the stroke.You couldn't have cured the stroke.
What you feel is grief, the "other" g-word, and your making the choice to call it guilt may be adaptation some grief experts suggest we use to avoid having to move into grief's finality. We understand that in that finality we must endure the unimaginable pain of loss, which may only be helped with time.
I hope that you will have had some meaningful conversations with your Mom before her illness and death? I hope she may have told you that she would not wish to live impaired. I have certainly had these with my daughter now I am 80 and she 61. We know that one another doesn't feel strong enough to struggle and endure the torment of debility and struggle. That we would prefer peace.
The only real way through grief is to endure, to move through it not forgetting to celebrate love, joy, beautiful memories, to gather strength and love from those around us.
My heart goes out to you. Were you my daughter I could tell you that you would have done the right thing for ME. I am sorry you are in such agony. Again, let the tears wash you clean, let them relieve your pain, but remember the beauty also.
My brother's death was devastating to me. He had been what I so often here tell others the Hansel to my Gretel in every dark wood of life. It helped me so much to journal, to write him long letters there that we had exchanged our entire lives. It helped to collage them with beautiful things that made me think of him, to celebrate my great good luck in having him. It helped me face my loneliness without the one thing I had trusted and counted on my entire life.
Please take care of your kind and gentle self. I wish you the best.
Also, as your mom, I would want you to feel peace, and know that I was proud of you for providing me what I NEEDED in my last days.
Rest easy, dear daughter.
Good luck to you. The missing part never goes away, but it tempers in time.
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