This is probably different for most as my question is not typical situation as I brought my mother to live with me from Ukraine. But I really need some advice as I am completely lost and very stressed. I am a US citizen and two years ago as the war in Ukraine started, I brought my mother to live with me. I always took care of both of my parents, I supported them financially, I organized vacations, brought grandkids to visit overseas, paid for hospital care in Ukraine, etc etc
As the war started my father passed away and I brought my mom here to live with me. I take, what I think, an excellent care of her, every weekend I take her out somewhere fun, she has her own room, a cat, a small garden, etc etc. I never used the refugee program, so I spent two years dealing with her paperwork and she finally has legitimate green card visa that if anyone knows takes enormous amount of energy and money. Even though she is 80 years old she does not qualify more Medicare for 5 years so all of her healthcare responsibilities are on me. I set her up a health insurance that I also pay for and do I need to mention I am not exactly wealthy and also am going through a divorce and personal health issues. Luckily she is in excellent health. Now the problem is she is constantly treating me to silence treatments , she did it her whole life and continue to do it here. i wanted to be an adult and sat her up and had a conversation with her explaining we don't do it here, we talk and deal with issues, but that was totally useless. She continue doing that and I never know the reasons. Once after me trying to figure things out she said " you looked at me the wrong way", she is very touchy and anything and everything makes her upset. I can offer her yogurt the wrong way or suggest we change sheets and that was offensive. This time she pushed too far. She hasn't talked to me since last December. she lives in my house, ignores me like I am not even here, I take complete financial care of her, buy food, clothes, do her laundry and she does not talk to me for the reasons only she knows. Now she approaches my kids and friends with request to buy her a ticket to go back to ukraine. Mind you she just went in October (with me sponsoring the whole trip of course) and if she hates me so much why even come back? Just to clarify, there is no war action at the region where she is from, but you never know what is next.
So she is desperate to go back and I also can not live like this as this is very disrespectful to me but I can not sent an 80 years old mother live alone overseas. We have no other relatives. Please help. Any advice is appreciated.
You are not required to take care of your parents.
You are not required to take care of your parents.
And don't forget:
You are really not required to take care of ungrateful parents.
Keep repeating this to yourself until it finally sinks in.
The question with your mother is, however, what does she want from you that you've not already provided her with? Blood? She should be sincerely grateful for all you've done for her, and if not, then go home mom. If she does not have dementia, buy her a one way ticket back to Ukraine where she will be "happy" and you'll save yourself the next 20 years of financial and emotional grief. You can't and shouldn't live like this. If mother can't grow up and act like an adult, stop all the nonsense and be a helpful partner with you, then she has no business invading your life like this. Get her a full medical and cognitive workup at the doctors office asap to be sure you're not dealing with dementia before you decide what to do.
Check out this article for more clarity on mother's behaviors:
https://lifelessons.co/personal-development/covertpassiveaggressivenarcissist/
Good luck.
If she is competent and wants to go back to Ukraine , then she goes back .
What you can do is inform her that you can not afford to keep bringing her back and forth . Once she goes back , she stays . You will no longer be financially responsible for her . Then the ball is in Mom’s court .
My guess is she probably wouldn't tolerate it for one second. Most parents wouldn't.
So don't you take it from her.
Tell her plainly that she has choices. If she wants to go back to Ukraine, she can go. Let her know that she is not to bother you when she needs something or wants to get out.
Or
She remains in the United States with you gladly providing everything for her good life here with one condition.
She cuts the crap with the hate-filled, ingrate, senior-brat behavior. And if she can't send her back to Ukraine.
What I think is that she doesn't want to go back to the warzone but wants to be here with you and the family. Only, she wants to be miserable and complain about it.
Never tolerate ingrate behavior or complaining. Never. She's dependent on you. Don't forget it. That means you call the shots, not her. She lives in your house, not the other way around. So you hold all the cards.
Don't play her nonsense games. There will be no begging her to stay or any of that crap. She has a choice. Clean up her behavior towards you or take her chances back in the warzone.
Buy her a one way ticket back to the Ukraine and do not send her another ticket back to you no matter what happens. Can you do that? If you can't then she will be back living with you in short order and making your life a living hell until she dies - which on this forum could be when she is well into her 100's.
Just because she has US citizenship doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your mental well being, your health (yes the stress will destroy that) and your life for her. The good thing is she is broke and doesn't have the money to come back to the US once you ship her back to the Ukraine.
Now the question will become - do you have the stones to keep her there and not give in when she calls crying and complaining to you? From what you wrote above about all you have done for your parents I don't know if you can do it. I think it depends on how much you want your life back.
You made this choice.
As first generation American you are in a hard position; the younger generation will do things, likely, the American way, while you are stuck doing things as you were raised, in the way of an entire other culture. Your mom is stuck WAY back there and you are sandwiched between.
I can only say that you chose to bring your mother here.
And you have chosen to take truly magnificent care of her, sending her on a trip home in which she can return here. Getting her legitimate status in our country.
THIS HAS BEEN YOUR CHOICE as a grownup.
We all have to take responsibility for our own choices in life.
No one changes another person.
We are who we are. Mom isn't going to change.
We have family dynamics that are UNIQUE to our own family.
We have habitual ways of acting and interacting.
My parents were loving, and most interactions were filled with love.
When, in later years, out of pain and trial, my Mom occasionally got "testy" with me I would turn it back at her full of love and humor.
For instance once I said "Before we head to the store I have to pee" and my Mom said "I HATE that word!!!"
Momentarily, inside myself the child I once was cringed in pain, and said silently "Oh, oh. Oh, OH! You just said a bad word".
But you know what? I turned it around and I said "Oh, I know you do, Mom, but nevertheless, before we leave for the store I have to pee".
I said it with fun, and my Dad sitting at the table broke out into delighted laughter.
Which led my mom to laugh as well. My dad for years after would tease if I was visiting and we were heading somewhere, saying "Does the kid need to go pee before we leave?" We made it a joke.
We come to think that harsh words parent to child, child to parent, spouse to spouse, brother to sister, have such POWER. They don't. They are a momentary lapse in what is a loving relationship.
TRY hard to turn it back to just humor and when she says "You this, or you that, or you should. or you should NOT" just say to her "I know you are right because you taught me all I know that is good and right in this world; but I just gotta live with being not so smart as you....... nor as beautiful either".
Turn it back on her with love, because, hon, you are STUCK HERE. You two might as well laugh, because there'll be plenty to cry about; bet on it.
This isn't a case where I can give my usual advice to walk away. Walk away and let the government handle it. Walk away and let your mom manage on her own.
She CAN'T manage on her own.
She never will be able to.
She is a stranger in a strange land, losing so much, already feeling like a burden to you.
And this was your choice.
This is where you are.
You can choose to ruin both your lives so long as she lives or you can find a way to love her with her limitations.
And blessings upon you for bringing your mom here and making her safe. And upon your home country.
With mom acting this way, I’d just offload her to Ukraine as it is hard enough to subsidize an elder with absolutely no government assistance.
If mom wants to go back to Ukraine, let her. She may not be happy wherever she is. Also, there's the cultural thing. Human beings tend to think that their own cultures are superior. That's because it's deeply ingrained that we are members of that culture. For our own survival, it's important to believe we're in the best place when we're with our own people. We all do it.
I wouldn't want to live in a possible war zone for any reason, but your mom may want to be in her own tribe no matter what. Make it clear that once she goes back she's not returning. Worrying and planning and upsetting your life to keep her safe hasn't worked, so time to give up.
Its Medicaid your Mom will be entitled to in 5 yrs. Medicare comes from your holding down a job. No work history no Social Security or Medicare. You must have worked at least 10 yrs in the US.
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