I am so upset right now. I went over to the AL facility to bring my mother new sheets. I was also upset because they have these room checks that feel like prison. They confiscated a few items. One was Biofreeze for an ache in her back that the in staff PT told me to get for her. I said could I have the taken items and they said they never throw anything out yet could not find them.
The director told me that my mother was still refusing showers. I saw her and she looked clean. She was decently dressed and her hair was clean and I know the difference. I really feel gaslighted. They said all taken items including a cold pack have to be run through the visiting physician yet they admitted it takes a while to go over everything for each resident. I was giving them understanding for taken items but that I felt I deserved them back.
Then it moved on to the shower issue. Director told me she is refusing them again. My mother had promised me she would not refuse them. She told me she hasn't and she was clean.
I am concerned she may be treated less than ideally. I just don't know what to do. I have been professional and courteous of the staff. I for the first time in 3 years made a modest comment about a particular aide who always has a sour attitude. The director did not take that news well. My mother is not difficult mood wise. She does sleep more than other residents. She would prefer her showers in the afternoon or evening. All of a sudden they want her to have them in the morning but she is still asleep. Then they go back to telling me she is refusing them but is clearly clean.
I am feeling hostage to this situation. Perhaps this is a way to have us leave there. Just wondered if anyone has an opinion.
Your mother has the right to sleep in if she chooses to. During the care plan meeting you can come to an agreement about when to give showers.
Examples of changes during care plan meeting for my mother:
My mother is a very slow eater. She is very capable to feed herself, she just chews for a long time and pauses a lot between each bite. She has always been this way. She is always the last one to be served due to where she sits. There is a strict rotation of how trays are handed out. In order to keep her at the same table (there are reasons to keep her at the same table), the staff flipped the rotation and now she gets served first. She still manages to finish last but not by long.
Four months ago, my mother changed rooms and ended up first in the schedule to get up in the morning. This was way too early for her, and was met by resistance and lack of cooperation. Her care plan now states that she will be the last to get up in the morning for her hall. This took care of the staff complaining about my mother fighting them to get dressed in the morning.
There are rules, regulations, and protocols in these facilities that help to save time and insure safety, but they are not written in stone and when possible, can be adjusted to accommodate the resident. We, as a family, have been told by the facility that my mother does not give up all her rights just because she needs 24/7 care. I would imagine that an AL facility should be able to make even more accommodations because the residents are capable of more ADL’s.
Moms AL was in charge of her Medication. No medications or OTC were allowed in her room. Her Tylenol was a prescription of give when needed. But that was OK, Mom had dementia and hadn't handled her meds in a while. But never was anything taken from her room. I had a small bar on her bed to help her get up. I was told I needed to remove it. They didn't do it.
I would ask that they call you before they remove anything from Moms room. That if they can give you the reasoning why, YOU will remove it. Otherwise, its stealing. Your Mom rents her room. As such she is a resident.
I would call ALs in ur area and see how they would have handled it. If u find this is not common, then maybe its time to move Mom.
Your second issue is you feel you're being gaslighted since mom is clean and they're saying she's refusing showers. It's your word against theirs. In ANY event, there are residents who WILL refuse showers and that is THEIR RIGHT. They cannot and should not be forced to take showers. Sometimes they don't feel good. Sometimes they're not in the mood. And that's ok. If it goes on for a month, that is a problem. Refusing a shower once a week is not a problem & should not be treated as a problem. It sounds like they are LOOKING for problems, for whatever reason.
You can involve the Ombudsman. You can file a complaint with the ED. You can call for a care conference with all involved to express your concerns. You can do all that but STILL wind up feeling that this ALF is 'off' and just not a good fit for you and your mom. Follow your gut instincts. Yes it's a pain in the ass to move her. But in the end, it may be totally worth it if you can find a privately owned ALF where the staff is open and friendly and eager to listen to the residents and the families and their concerns. That is how it should be.
Oh, and by the way...........room checks for forbidden items is not something I would approve of myself. That sounds a little too authoritarian in my opinion.
I had to move both my parents out of one ALF that wound up irritating me to no end by ignoring ALL of my complaints. I got tired of repeating myself, found a great new ALF nearby, and moved them in...........Mom is STILL living there 5 years later, that's how much I like it. When I had the last care conference, the ED asked me what concerns I had and I told her NONE. She said, WOW, that's wonderful to hear. And it's also a wonderful thing to be able to say.
Wishing you the best of luck, my friend. I know how difficult all of this really is