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I visit mom (95 years old and walks on her own) almost every day to get her off the couch and into the car either for lunch or a drive to see something else other than her four walls. She has mild dementia, a little confusion when I wake her around 10:30-11 am. Once she gets moving she is a bit better, but doesn’t have that interest in life anymore. She is unable to use any technical devices, doesn’t know and can retain info on how to use them. She does take a walk down the halls, but out of boredom (there’s plenty of activities to do) she she’d rather sleep. She was never a joiner. My father was her entertainment (in a good way-he’s been deceased since 2017). She doesn’t grieve outwardly anymore but misses him. I know she loves me and appreciates me visiting. I feel very guilty leaving her for any length of time especially when I take a vacation or visit grandchildren. I have two older brothers, one who helps when he can as he still works and travels. The other has checked out, can’t handle seeing my mom in decline and so far out of shape. Do I let her lead the rest of her life or do I intervene and push her to walk more so she uses her muscles? She hates exercise class and won’t join. She no longer wants to play bridge (don’t think she can, mentally) she would rather sleep for escape/boredom.

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JosAgingcare,

I just read ur response to me. Memory care is not the same as Assisted Living. ALs would not except your husband because they are not equipped to handle someone like your husband. My Mom suffered from Dementia and she lived in a small AL that excepted residents suffering from Dementia. They kept her in the common area most of the day. And allowed her to walk the hall. She was easy to care for. Like you said, your DH needs to be kept occupied.

What I was talking about was if I had my mind. I would not want someone bugging me to join activities I know I would not enjoy. I want the freedom to pick and choose. I want to socialize when I want to. Eat when I want to. Leave when I want to. ALs are not suppose to be lock down facilities.
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Don't try to fix this. She’s earned the right to decide her social participation level at this stage in her life.
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I learned my lesson about that this week. I was so excited that three ladies from her church wanted to come visit and take her to lunch. I thought it was great. Apparently mother just suffered through it. She said that she would rather sit alone than to have been subjected to that. She will not go again, she said she had nothing in common with those ladies. She used to. She just really doesn’t know them anymore and I think that the disease makes things very difficult and awkward for her.
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My Mom is in MC. They "force" them out of their rooms and into the activity areas, by design. Even though my Mom doesn't want to participate, she likes to watch, or sleep.

Why is your Mom waking up at 10-11 am? She's missing breakfast and also missing the time when most of the other seniors are planning their day. At 10-11 am, most of them are out and about and are starting to prepare for lunch!

At 95, my Mom did walk on her own and lived independently. However, she also went places by bus or by walking. Just going to the grocery store and cruising the aisles gave her something to talk about. She made friends with the bus drivers, baked cookies for them, etc. She also walked to the church (it was less than a block away) and volunteered at the church. Once she became more mobility challenged, I enrolled her into senior day care.

I personally think that your Mom is in a bit of a depression and needs some help to get interested in life again, within the bounds of what she has. It very well could be that at AL, she doesn't have enough to do. Talk to the AL to see what activities they have that she might be interested in. See if they can get her body clock to wake up in time for breakfast so that she can join some activities. See if they can make a special effort to get her out of her room. If she is a night owl, that could be causing some of the depression as there are not any activities for her to do, other than passive ones, like watching television and sleeping.

So in summary, yes, you need to push her to be more active and for her to do it on her own. BTW....totally understand the exercise class for her age.

Also, maybe she should go to daytime senior care? It forced my Mom to get up at a certain time in the morning and to get dressed. My Mom found that to be totally amusing...from the people who tried to run for the door, to the lady who stuffed anything she got her hands on, into her purse (they emptied her purse out each day and apparently people got a real entertainment to see what was in her collection for the day). Many people who attended the day time senior program got there using senior transportation, not personal transportation.
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MomCare28: Perhaps your mother cannot engage in activities as much as you think she should.
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In my mom's AL (CA), there is a woman who is paid by the families who will come and spend time doing whatever (outings, walks, games, etc) with the residents. I also have to travel coming up and will be leaning on family and a good friend (who my mom knows) to pay a visit. Your mom is lucky to have you!
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I think at this stage of the game, let her do what she wants. My mother is 99 and has been in AL for almost a year. She has no interest in doing any of the activities. I used to try to get her to participate, but I’ve given up. I think I wanted her to join in because it would make ME feel better that she has some joy in her life. Maybe that is how you feel, trying to entertain her. I suggest cutting back on your visits, let the facility try to get her involved. Can she get PT to keep her muscles strong? My mother is in a wheelchair, but gets PT to help her walk. I always felt responsible for my mother’s happiness, but I’ve since learned there is nothing I could do for that. She is content staying in her room, organizing her drawers and closet LOL. I visit once a week. Go and enjoy your family. I don’t know how long your mother has been in AL, but it took me quite a while to realize I need to live my life too. I used to feel guilty, but after reading these forums I now now it’s not guilt, it’s grief that I feel. Grief that her life won’t get better. You are a wonderful daughter, in case no one has told you that!
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JosAgingCare Oct 2023
I would just let your mother do what she wants. I had my husband in 1/2 day day care at least once a week, sometimes twice a week for almost a year. That left me to go to the ladies luncheon once a month, do some shopping without him getting lost in the supermarket or dept store, while I could try on clothes, etc. And, just getting out of the house. We had long term care insurance, and I was able to get reimbursed for his care as well as for some of the activities that were charged $$. People with dementia were in this "class". The lady who led the program for the morning or afternoon, used my husband to set up chairs, hand out papers or crayons, clear off the tables, etc. That is simple work, not demanding, but getting the patient involved. When he went on to assisted living, the caregivers had patients go to a room to watch movies, do some coloring, do some simple games, sing, etc. I would visit in between the times he was occupied with the "group" and caregivers. I did not hang around 8 hours to "be with him". I did not hang around 4 hours either. He would just pester me to go home. But he didn't know what or where home was. He tried to get out a nearby door, but alas, it was permanently locked. I did find him in another person's bed once; and someone in his room, as well. The caregivers at the facility took care of that, and guided these people back to their own room. My husband had a private room. Talk with the asst manager on how things operate at the facility, what they expect the family to do, what they will have the patient do, how they will handle things. How the patient gets to the dining room, or is food just brought to the room (kind of lonely, eating alone!!). In my husband's facility, they had a long table in a large room, and meals were served there, with all the patients able to leave their bed ate there, socializing, and maybe even watching a movie. I did not participate in this kind activity, the facility did not want me there. Having the family there when they are trying to help you get the patient acclimated to facility care, only hurts the issue. It was hard leaving my husband there, but he was not safe at home and had to be in a facility to be safe, locked doors, not crossing highways against the light, walking blocks and I didn't know which way he went, working on his car to try to start it and messing things up. That only made me limited in what I could do for food shopping, paying bills, etc. And, in the meantime, he got to socialize a little, despite not liking being among people, and not around me. Too bad, he needed to get away from me, as much as i needed my free time to get my hair done, shop, pay bills, without having him with me, maybe getting lost when I turned my head or looked in my purse. My husband was safe, and I felt good about having a little free time. Safe is the key word here!!!
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My plan is, when needed, I go to an AL. Since I will be paying 5k or more for the privilege of living there, I also don't want to be bugged. If I want to sleep in till 12 then allow it. If I want to read till 1 am, u got to allow it. If I don't want to come down for a meal, then I am probably not hungry. If I don't want to join in the activities then don't try to force me. If I didn't before I came to the AL, I won't after. I am living in an AL because I get 3 meals a day. Have my own little space that someone cleans for me. I have a laundry service. At whatever age I am at the time, I don't want someone telling me what to do.

Take your vacation. Mom will be OK.
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MeDolly Sep 2023
Sounds like my plan as well, I have spent my entire life being bugged by others...time to relax!
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What was the point of AL if you feel guilty not visiting daily or going on vacation??????

Your mother is likely suffering from more than "mild dementia" if her pastime is sleeping, if she can't find words, is incontinent etc. She's likely not "bored" but cognitively impaired to the point she's UNABLE to do most activities or comprehend what's being said.

AL is going to allow her to do as she pleases w/o bothering her. Memory Care Assisted Living is going to monitor her every 2 hours and encourage her to socialize with the other residents.

You are trying to apply YOUR definition of "fun" to your mother's life, insisting she's bored and should do this that and the other to stay amused. Dementia is prohibiting her from doing so.

Leave mom alone to do as she needs to do to function.

I suggest you read this 33 page booklet about dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it. Lots of Do's and Don't tips for dealing with dementia sufferers are suggested in the booklet.

Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller 

https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580

Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia.

The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.

The full copy of her book is available here:

https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2

Educate yourself about what lies ahead as dementia progresses. Knowledge is power.

Best of luck
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The umbilical cord was cut the day you were born. You've been your own self ever since.

Your own self deserves a vacation. Your own self doesn't need to be there with mom entertaining, prodding, pushing, pretending to laugh happily when you'd rather be home taking a nap.

If I were 95, I'd want you to bug off. Let me sit and reflect, allow me to wander in my mind back to the things I can still remember, let me be who I am while you are who you are.

Let me live quietly and be my own self.
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I can't write anything better to you than AlvaDeer wrote.
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Your mother is 95. Years before that age my Dad explained to me he was exhausted with life. He had had a very good one and was well satisfied with it, but he longed for just the "long long nap" as he called it. Said it was painful for him every day to get out of bed on almost all levels, and he attempted to do it for my Mom only.

As an RN I found out this is not unusual, but that elders cannot "level with" or even MENTION such a thing to family without the members becoming distraught and deperate and accusing them of "depression" and attempting to FIX IT.

There is no fix it for the end of life. Your Mom is doing VERY VERY WELL for her age, I assure you. But she is tiring and if you allowed her to speak with you about that she wouldn't have to discuss it with other residents and caregivers as my patients had to discuss it with me--the nurse; the total stranger.

I encourage you to take some time on your own. I encourage you to recognize that your Mom is tiring. It isn't true that we can just turn off the switch on that old heart. Some just keep pumping long after the person is so ready to go. And it is difficult, I understand, for families, who are younger, to understand that one tires of it all. It was nice, but they are tiring of it.

I am 81. I now can begin to understand, to FEEL what my dad meant. I am tiring. I have done it. I have loved it. My kids are raised and THEIR kids are raised. I have seen a lot of the world; next trip round I will do the rest of it. But I am tired. It seems silly at times for the government to pay for me to see the persimmon tree go all colors again in fall, another episode of Sister Wives (now so incredibly boring as they THEMSELVES age out).

Think on these things. If your Mom ever wants to discuss them, discuss them with her. She has had a good long life. I hope it has been wonderful. She has a marvelous loving daughter. I have one as well--it doesn't get better than THAT, I can tell you.

My heart goes out to you. Take good care of yourself and allow yourself the joy in getting away a bit; this is the last really free time of your life; your Mom would want you to take great joy in it.
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You aren't responsible for your Mom's happiness. You shouldn't project how you think she should be living at her advanced age. You need to let go of your romanticized idea about what aging looks like. Compared to others, your Mom has it very good and that should give you enough peace for you to accept whatever comes next for her. Honestly, sleeping her way out of this world doesn't sound so bad. Blessings to you for being an awesome daughter!
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Your mom is 95 years old for crying out loud. Let the poor woman sleep and be still if she wants to.
If someone tries to make me do things I don't want to do when I'm 95, I will just tell them where to go, if you catch my drift, as I feel once we reach that age we should be able to do what we want, and if we want. We've earned that right.
You said that your dad was her "entertainment" and it looks like you now believe that you must step in and replace him as the entertainment committee huh?
Well guess what? You don't.
Go and live your life and enjoy your children and grandchildren. Your mom has lived her life and if she wants to just rest please let her. It's time now for you to live and enjoy your life as none of us are guaranteed tomorrow.
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olddude Sep 2023
Amen sister.
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If she is in AL maybe Memory Care might be a better fit for her.
The staff should be encouraging her to join in activities. Maybe the AL staff is taking care of more people and does not have the time to be more 1 on 1 with a person with dementia. ("mild" or not)
And you also say in your question...mom was never a joiner. Why or how could you expect her to change?
Take your trip.
she is safe.
she is cared for

As a person declines sleeping more is common.
My Husband went from sleeping his "normal" 6, 7 hours and shortly after he was diagnosed he began sleeping 10 hours and that went to 12 hours then 14 or 15 and the last year he was sleeping 20 hours, the last few months he was sleeping 23 hours.

I also have to ask why are YOU getting her up in the morning? That is the job of the AL staff. And they are supposed to make sure that she is clean, dry and frankly checking to make sure she is alive. I would be concerned if a resident, 95 years old did not show up for breakfast. Not having someone check in on her and you having to wake her between 10:30 and 11:00 does not seem right.
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You sound like a helicopter daughter, visiting her every day stifles her ability to mingle with other people in the home, make her own friends and acclimate to her surroundings.

She will do what she wants to do why not let her live her life, not what you want or think she should do.

Live your life, not vicariously through her.

My mother is 98, in AL, she does whatever she wants, not my place to entertain her or try and force her to do things she doesn't want to do. By the way, she very much likes her surroundings and has many friends her age in the facility.
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funkygrandma59 Sep 2023
Preach it sister! I agree 100% with what you've said.
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Mom will do what she wants anyway.. right?

This is more about you letting go?
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