I hate to even say that, but it takes everything to go visit the last few weeks.
We have been trying to go weekly, but she is to the point where she can’t really even communicate with us anymore. We have to write everything down on paper when we talk to her, and lately she doesn’t even comprehend that and gets frustrated so we in turn end up making the visits short.
I'm sure she's happy because the NH lets her sleep when she wants and other than that she seems fine. She’s fed and taken care of which is the most important thing.
Thanks for listening to the rant ……
Plus, I have to keep up with things because the staff tries, but does not do everything that they should be doing.
We have to be our loved-one's advocate, because they cannot speak for themself.
How would we feel if we were in the nursing home, and no one wanted to visit us?
For that winding down stage, I have sat quietly & looked at the trees out the window together.
What I am beginning to dread is visiting private homes if the occupant requires personal care (eg incontinence).
I think timing is the thing that helps me.
Timing to arrive when the person is likely to enjoy a visit. Keep visit to a reasonable time length. (Not into this sitting all day biz that some do). Timed to have an exit strategy too (if emotionally draining or akward 💩)
I used to take him a small McDonald's shake occassional. But then he started to have swallowing issues.
I never knew he had a horrible bed sore that contributed to his death. I didn't find that out till I got his death certificate. I used to go there and he was always on his back. They are supposed to turn them every 2 hours. He never even had extra pillows on the bed, so now I know they never turned him.
You could go and take some reading material, or cut the visits short. It's hard to sit there and stare at them sleeping. I would also talk a little, but not sure if he understood. He had magazines I would comment on and just show him the pictures. He would nod.
Check her back and find out if they are turning her. There will be 2 extra pillows on the bed. Pop in at different times. Ypu will see if she is being turned. That way you know. Bed sores are horrible, and hard to stop once they kill off some area skin.
Id pop in and take a flower, or dress up her shelf with a dollar store seasonal items like a pumpkin, or a card. That type of thing.
I would stay an hour, but I'd have to read or look at my phone. Maybe you can wake her up?
Chat to the staff. They take better care, when they know the relatives and they aren't complaining. You can ask them how your loved one is doing.
If she is sleeping, then cut the visits 15mins if she wont wake up. I had to drive an hour and a half to see my dad so I stayed longer.
Matbe you can pop in at lunch/meal time and feed her,or see if she is eating ok. Take her something to eat, if no eating issues. Meal times are usually social times. Stay a half hour if she is awake.
Your gonna feel guilty if you stay or not. Take care.
Also be sure to speak with staff a bit each time you are there, not with an agenda but just to ask after your mom or after them. It is important for them to know that you are there and take an interest, and this can make their care more personable.
Holding you in the light, along with the many others going through this difficult season-
Lois
These things make it easier for nursing staff to start a conversation while doing care. And the fact that there is family interest means better care...I'm not mean to someone alone, its just the way it is. Your short weekly visits are important for that reason, its the service you do for her now.
I hate to say it, but not being able to visit my mother during the Covid lockdown was good for my mental health. It wasn't good for hers, unfortunately, but she would have declined regardless of whether I was there or not.
The circumstances which required placing my LOs there have been sad, and this last LO, twice a COVID survivor and lingering “one foot here and one foot in Heaven”, has lived the longest while refusing to say goodbye.
I’m all that’s left to go. The other ”devoted, loving, faithful” family member, left and moved1,000 miles away, after promising to stay.
I hold her hand, tell her I love her, tell her I’ll be back but say “….if the Girls (her sisters) come while I’m gone to take her home, she should do what SHE wants to do, and I won’t think less of her”.
She was the one who ALWAYS CAME, and I won’t abandon her now, because it’s so hard to go.
Whether or not she knows I’m there, I’m all that’s left, and she deserves to be honored.
I think ur once a week at this point is enough. You know we do this more for ourselves then them. They have no idea we have been there after awhile.
I too dreaded the visits to her Memory Care b/c it's very difficult to witness the decline of our parents who we love. I don't think it denotes a lack of compassion or understanding, or the need for a geriatric psychologist to guide us through b/c nobody can DO such a thing! It's an individual path we all walk alone, in reality, and one we have to figure out ourselves, too. And while we are all headed towards old age, with God's help, we're not all headed to nursing homes with dementia and the inability to communicate. The support and tips we find here on AgingCare from others who walk this path is often MORE helpful & useful than the 'expert' advice we pay through the nose to get, then scratch our heads wondering WHY we took that route to begin with? That's been my experience with the 'professionals', anyway.
Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate. And I also wish you compassion and grace for YOURSELF as you walk this difficult path which takes a huge toll on us, the children of these elders.
Take flowers, bottles of her preferred soft drink, chocolates, a magazine, whatever treats seem best; hug; check her over; swap over wardrobe (deliver clean clothes, take worn ones for laundering/repair); scan any notes/bulletin boards/communication books for NH or care team news; make a shopping list for next week (tissues, toiletries, etc); another hug; out of there.
If you give it the 30 minutes to 1 hour max we are supposed to allow for service reviews, you'll find you up the pace of your visit and it's over before you know it. Plus you've made yourself useful.
Ranting is perfectly acceptable as this stage of life is just as frustrating as raising rebellious teenagers. Most of the efforts are thwarted and confusing without a sense of control........as in "out of control."
Your visits are not rewarding, but they will be with you the rest of your life. Give it your best effort, even if you walk away defeated. This period is known as the "Long Goodbye." Go through it without expectations and learn to practice mindfulness meditation, if you're not already doing so.
People often say, "You are lucky she is still alive." Personally, I don't think the life she has is "living" and she is just a husk of the person she once ways. So "Yes", I dread going to the NH.