I'm on FMLA caring for my elderly parent who is healing from a fractured ankle. While I'm so grateful to be with them, and they are truly a gracious and dear parent and person, sometimes on the rougher days it's hard for both of us. My loved one is discouraged in the healing process. I guess I get frustrated at times, wanting them to do more for themselves, etc. I know this sounds rough, but I feel that their personality is (maybe understandably) sort of demanding in this healing process. Anyway, I was asking them to raise their ankle so that I could care for it and they asked, "Which ankle?" So, I tapped the ankle and they asked again, telling me I wasn't being clear enough. I was frustrated and tapped harder, and then felt terrible because I did it from frustration. They said they think they barely felt it, that it didn't hurt, and I apologized for being frustrated. Do you think this is an example of abuse? I feel really awful!
When you feel your stress level or frustration rising too high it is time to step out of the room for a time.
When calmer, that 'which ankle' question may not have riled you at all. Maybe you could have replied with seriousness, 'Your injured ankle please' or joked 'Whichever, you choose! Or whatever.
Is this resentment?
Resentment can mean we are giving too much.
Take a deep breath and keep up the good work.
I will tell you from a long experience in caregiving that 'babying' them and waiting on them hand and foot doesn't do anyone any favors especially the person receiving the care.
Be very attentive and observant. If your parent is struggling with something that is when you help. Make them try for themselves.
For example, if your parent can get to the table with a walker or wheelchair to eat a meal, they must. Don't bring it to them because it's easier.
Of course people get frustrated when they get hurt or sick. That does not entitle them to be demanding or to behave badly to the person or people who are caring for them.
Getting frustrated or impatient is not abuse. You are not being abusive to your parent. The caregiving situation can very easily become abusive if you don't set some boundaries with your parent. One of those boundaries has to be that if they being demanding or refusing to try you will walk away and ignore them for a while.
You sometimes have to a force a person to try to do for themselves. How to do that is by not waiting on them or babying them. Good luck.
That said I have to ask....
How long will the recovery be?
Will FMLA cover you the entire time that is needed for recovery, rehab and getting back to "normal routine"? Or are you going to be talking more unpaid time off?
Will you be able to return to your former position/job?
How much are you losing by taking this time unpaid not just for your annual salary but retirement and any benefits?
Would it be a better option to begin looking for Assisted Living options. Quite often after a break in the foot mobility does not return to baseline and your LO may need an environment that is one that has no stairs, no carpeting if there is a possibility that a walker or cane will be used. No tub/shower but a walk in would be safer as well. Just a few thoughts to ponder.
I will tell you what therapists often say to their clients, “Forgive yourself for things that you feel that you could have done better. Don’t expect perfection from yourself or anyone else.”
Recognize that you have done your best. You aren’t an abusive person. You have shown compassion and concern for your parent.
Wishing you peace as you continue your caregiving journey.