My dad died 4 years ago (he was 87) and my mom followed 18 months later (she was 86). The last 6 years or so of caring for them was very difficult, especially my mom who was bedridden the last year of her life. I dream that my mom is back in the house, able to walk again and I KNOW she's going to find out I got rid of everything in her closet. In this last dream she was complaining about how we redid 'her house'.
I assume these are just PTSD dreams and will eventually stop. They are much less frequent than they were right after they died. They've also changed slightly in that I now tell them (in the dream) - you are both dead, please go away. I'm just curious if others dream as well and if they are pleasant dreams or nightmares?
They are here to visit.
Since they no longer "need" the house I am sure neither your mom or dad would be critical of anything you have done. I am sure that she is pleased that you are in the house and not "strangers"
You are both sweet but trust me, my mother wouldn't be pleased about a single thing I did after she died. My mom was critical of nearly everything I did, under the guise of "I'm your mother, would I lie to you" or "I'm your mother, no one wants what is best for you more then me".
These are less dream and more nightmare. I'm sure that if they were just visiting me in these dreams, I wouldn't wake up in a pool of sweat, scared to death it wasn't a dream. But your answers reassured me that these are indeed PTSD dreams and will eventually stop. Thank you!
When I had my first dream it was right after she had died. In the dream my mom and a bunch of other people were at an amusement park having a great time. I was watching them when suddenly there was a figure of a person in the shadows who went over to my mom and said "go talk to her" So I went and sat down and my mom joined me. I was crying really hard and said "I miss you so much" My mom just held me and never said anything. I felt when I woke up that in the dream my mom had crossed over and was happy and that I needed to accept her death and move on. I'm no dream interpreter but that's what I got out of it.
Since then my mom is sometimes a background figure in my dreams. There but not really directly involved in anything.
I feel comforted by my dreams. I think we project our own feelings into our dreams. If they aren't pleasant for you maybe you need to come to terms with something in your life that you are not addressing. Or I could be totally wrong. Just my opinion.
An interesting topic. I'm glad you brought it up.
In the dream, I was walking in a beautiful park, and I saw my dad, dressed in his “dress up” suit, walking around as he had been the day he died.
I waved and called to him, but he didn’t respond, or talk to me, but he seemed to see me.
The dream brought me comfort. I haven’t been dreaming much lately but I’d kind of enjoy having it again.
PTSD can effect you in many ways that you do not even realize. Your nightmares may be just the tip of the iceberg.
ANY trauma can manifest itself as PTSD and should be dealt with. 3-4 years is far to long.
It may not take much time at all talking to someone about this. But it is worth checking out.
((hugs)) I hope you do find peace
These dreams are your brain working stuff out, like all dreams are. The nightmares will fade. Good luck and best wishes.
She ended up going to assisted living 1/2 an hour from where she used to live and I cleared out the majority of her trash, shoes (more shoes than Imelda Marcos), clothes, furniture that was destroyed by dog pee and poop, because my husband was so enraged at her, he couldn’t deal with it.
At the end, he came and we hired contractors to fix the place and sold the house because we were lucky enough to have POA. MIL is really lucky not to have that albatross hanging around her neck. It sold before interest rates went up.
I am so traumatized I promised myself I would start getting rid of a lot of my things do that my daughter wouldn’t be stuck.
I always feel exhausted dealing with this because of my MIL and when I let her know what a horrible mess she left, how poorly she treated DH and FIL, she becomes upset. She feels she is pure as the driven snow. I just remind her that there is a reason she is alone, doesn’t receive visits and isn’t welcome to move closer.
The bottom line is that she and my dad belonged in assisted living at the very least during those last six years and they probably should have been in a nursing home. After he died, her mobility declined to the point where she was bedridden. It was a nightmare, there are no other words to describe it. By the time she died I felt nothing but sheer relief and never shed a tear. The dreams are not comforting because I don't miss her. I realized these dreams are similar to the dreams I had when I finally left my husband and was free of him. I would dream he would beg me to come back, or assume I was coming back, and it was awful. It's the feeling of experiencing glorious freedom only to fear its being taken away.
I agree with Slartibart - this is my brain working out the rest of the stuff. BTW, both of my children are fully aware that I will NEVER put them through what my folks put me through. I've made my wishes abundantly clear - if I can't shower and toilet myself, it is time to find me a bed somewhere.
I love dreams. I believe they help us work out our concerns in the waking world. My brother has been gone for 2 years only, and my parents a good deal longer, so my dreams of my parents are almost always benign. In dreams of my brother we aqree often doing what we did in real life, out there antiquing together, going to other towns, other places, exploring.
My mother is now in care, but I’m still certain I hear her calling my name in the night. I’m still jumpy from caregiving while she was in her most combative stage.
I was widowed young, remarried and now live where nights are very dark. For more than a decade I frequently snapped awake, unsure of who was sleeping next to me, husband #1 or #2. So disorienting and unsettling.
I also dream that #1 returns and my husbands expected me to choose. #1 is upset that I moved on instead waiting to see if he’d come back. Fortunately they were friends so I convinced myself we could live together and they usually agree to give it a try. But I stay sleeping with #2 because #1 always smells “off” in my dreams.
Yeah, it’s pretty crowded and creepy in my head.
I DO have bad dreams. Just not about them. I used to have bad dreams about my college classes. I haven’t done my homework and the semester is almost over and there’s going to be a test. I graduated in 1988.The dreams stopped a couple of years ago. The bad dreams I have now are that I’m still teaching school and the children won’t behave. I stopped teaching elementary school 13 years ago. Or, it’s the first day of school and I wasn’t given any time to plan my lessons or set up my room. And, then, there are the “hiding from bad people dreams.”
In dreams, we’re just hanging out and doing things we might have done in life. I know he’s dead in the dream, but sometimes he says he’s allowed back for some reason. I miss him a lot and do need his guidance on dealing with my mom who has MCI. He was the only one who she’d listen to, and it’s difficult dealing with her, especially now that she’s been living with me for the past four months.
I just think we dream about our dead parents because of unresolved issues whether stemming from love or hate. We need to work things out for ourselves now that they’re gone and there’s no more accounting. I don’t think it matters whether they appear in nightmares or pleasant dreams, it’s the crap they left us with and now it’s up to us. I firmly do not believe, as a relative once indicated, that they’re trying to contact us ‘from beyond the grave’. Dreams are all about us and not about them. Once you stop feeling guilt, anger, grief, whatever it may be, they’ll just go away. It’s just our own brains projecting what they might think, say, do, if they could come back and interact with us. I found that writing down the dreams helps to diffuse the situation, and their appearance changes as we deal with our issues with them. Obviously, I’m in therapy too and that helps ;-D.
we moved in an assisted living place. wife also had dementia, after two years they moved her in Memory care, there I ate the three meals with her every day , took her for a car ride almost every day even on the lock down, could go for a ride as long as I did not stop or even open a door or roll down a window,
She is gone about one year ago, and some time at night in bed I am afraid to move too much on her side afraid I may push her off the bed, But she's not there.
I had an abusive husband for 40+ yrs. He finally passed from a rare disease. I kept having dreams of him screaming and yelling at me. I finallyI realized that I had forgotten one of many many places he wanted his ashes scattered. Once i placed his remaining ashes at the site, all dreams of him stopped.
My job was finally done for this man. I served my time,
I do not find these dreams disturbing at all in fact they usually amuse me. My brother says he dreams of that house too, so I do not think it's anything to worry about.
Of course upon waking I remembered that he was gone. That dream stuck with me for some reason, but if I still have dreams about daddy, I don't remember them.
My twin brother died in 2019 and I have not dreamed about him at all that I am aware.
If you were a caregiver for your folks, and have also been present at the death of your parent, of course you have PTSD and that may lead to bad dreams. Bad thoughts, bad dreams---I think they are all part of the shock of that experience.
Perhaps your dreams will transition to happy dreams (a party?), but if they don't, I think they will fade over time. Be kind to yourself, and also to your unconscious mind while you transition through this process.
Ya, I've had dreams about both of my parents after losing them.
The dreams are always happy dreams, just reliving doing things together, always my mother and I laughing hard about something.
I miss them both so terribly, and a family dog, too....Stag. I get real sad sometimes. They were the ones I was closest too, all my life. So, I face my future pretty much alone.....the Lord Jesus Christ has become Numero Uno now, and that's not a bad thing. I love to dance and worship my King!
But, yes....I've had many happy dreams of my dear, wonderful parents. I document most of these dreams look at later. It helps me somehow.
May the peace of God be with your spirit. 💜🕊💜