Does anyone else feel that their mother treats their sons differently than daughters?

Yes always have

The New York Times cited a current study which said that on average girls are expected to spend more time than boys on chores and babysitting.  It is time for change.  Don't accept this.   Tell mom you will do X,Y Z and no more, and if she yells you are leaving.

I don't think its just boys vs girls I have friends who have a sister that is the golden child and always feels that she needs to try harder just to be a part of the family.  In my husbands family the eldest boy was the favorite and then the eldest girl (who was #4 in line of 6).  Of course I always said my MIL spoiled each one in their own way.

Definitely! When we were kids my sister and I did all the housework, helped with meals, cleaned up after, made the beds, etc. My 2 younger brothers took out the trash once a week and mowed the grass once a week. I asked Mom recently why that was and she said "that’s just the way we did things."

That being said my parents always favored my sister and eldest brother (I’m the 2nd child, 2nd girl) tho they would never admit it. Whenever I visited the first thing they asked was if I had heard from brother/sister who rarely visited or called. I would say, "no, why don’t you call them?" Answer, "no, they are probably busy." !!!!

Fast forward 50 years when parents start needing help my youngest brother and I are the ones who stepped in and sorted things out and supported our parents. We were glad to help, although We laugh about the favoritism. Sadly older brother died at 62, sister lives out of state. I can’t help think that they gave a poor example to their children about how to treat the elderly.

Yes, my mother, who is in memory care now, has always favored her two sons. In particular my youngest brother. I think he's a surrogate for her now deceased spouse. But she was always partial to the "boys."

I'm not particularly close to her and would never cultivate a friendship with her if she were not my mother. She is not an interesting person. Her entire existence was centered on "dad." Nothing beyond high school, never worked outside the home, no female friends, hobbies or outside interests. She wasn't a real good housekeeper or cook, did not "teach" her daughters anything useful. Her main goal for us was to get us married and out of the house. She refused to see a doctor regularly, so no paps, mammograms or routine health care. Which lead to a stroke at age 75, which caused cognitive decline. Dad was very frustrated by this later in life when her memory and cognitive problems caused problems (she couldn't cook for him!) He took her for lunch and long drives everyday to keep her entertained. Personal hygiene done in the hot tub. House filthy and would not allow me to take care of that. So now that he's gone, which she doesn't really understand or remember, she relies on my brother as a stand in.

No, my mother treats my sisters that never help with more respect and in higher esteem than me. More to criticize with me always here as opposed to my sisters who are 'fair weather daughters' and rarely in contact with her. They are in contact for good times such as weddings and parties. But I am here through thick and thin, sickness and health, on a daily basis. Frustrating but no unfairness here due to gender.

I am sorry to see that so many responders feel guilty. For what? Do you feel guilty for being good to someone who is mean to you and doesn't appreciate all that you do for an unpleasant person. Or do you feel guilty for resenting them? There is no need to punish yourself. You have been abused. Do you hope to have mom show some love for you? Not likely to happen. I would suggest you make yourself less available some of the time. If she speaks rudely to you, tell her to stop it. I think they dump bad feelings onto the one close to them that will put up with it. They know the boys will not stand for that and drop them so they are so grateful for small amounts of attention. They want to encourage them instead. Don't be a door mat. If you want to care for an ungrateful mother then do so as a gift to them. But it is hard to not resent them. I think attention from males is more highly valued because it is so rare. Also, unfortunately, women are too competitive with other
women.

Yes - I went to 4 yr college, not younger bro, I was adopted as infant, bro is biologic. Mom left all assets to him in her will which she 'wrote' just 4 months before she passed in his care. I took care of Mom for 3.5 years, he only the last year. Granted she needed a lot of care towards the end.

Yes, but the gender doesn't seem to matter.
It might be useful to ask for something in particular. Keep it small, especially at first. Help him take small steps towards helping. He isn't stupid or blind; he's just playing you, like my sister does me!

It's the mom son thing, just like with dads and daughters!

Oh yes. 3 girls and 1 boy, she ways posts his birthday but never ours, lol. He right next door and does help with outside issues like her pump but he clearly says her care is our doings. She still puts him first for material belongings and such. He is the first born so he will always have the first say and get. It doesn't bother me so much any more. The Lord knows all things.

This happens all too often. In your particular case, your brother does not want to help and it falls on you and she goes after you. That would be the end. I would let her have in no uncertain terms that she needs help from BOTH of you and unless he does his part, YOU ARE GOING TO STOP AND LET HER FEND FOR HERSELF IN VIEW OF HER BEHAVIOR TO YOU. That is horrible. I'd never put up with it. Let him know what is going on and start making other provisions for her care. DO NOT BE AN ETERNAL FOOL FOR HER. If she is so biased, you owe her nothing. Walk away.

Absolutely! This wasn't just during my parents' declining years either. Part of this different treatment could have been that I was almost 10 years older than my brother was but it always seemed to me that I was brought up very strictly and many things he did in his youth were forgiven, wrecking my mother's car after taking it without permission, getting into trouble with the police after he and some friends broke into the home of a vacationing friends and drinking their liquor, going AWOL after joining the military, etc., etc.

I have to admit that my brother did help my parents in some ways as they were older but if he visited less frequently it was always excused. If he was rude to them it was brushed off and his appearance or behaviour didn't seem to be under scrutiny as mine was.

When my Dad died and their condo was sold, he persuaded my mother to use a 'sale by owner' method by saying that there wouldn't be any real-estate agent percentage to pay. I spent 2 months going to the condo in order to find all the documents necessary to be able to sell it and emptying it of all except the furniture, sometimes 3 or 4 times a week. He and his wife popped in for a weekend to 'stage' it and then it was put on the market. After the sale, without mentioning it to me, he persuaded my mother that he should get the equivalent of the real-estate agent's percentage 'because he saved it for her'. That was worth over $10,000 and he wrote out a cheque for her and she signed it immediately! You can imagine I was incensed because I felt that without all my effort he wouldn't have been able to sell it.

During my parents' later years I also did their taxes for them and when my Dad died, I did all my mother's banking, accounting and taxes.

In her last years she was in a long-term care facility and I shopped for her regularly and took back items she didn't want because she was so vague about her likes. He would visit every once in a while but she told me that 'he was too busy with work' to go more frequently. I was also taking care of my husband who had emphysema and the after-effects of a stroke and so time away from him was difficult for us.

My health and sanity suffered during those years and I very much resented it.

No, not really - I had to be the out of state caregiver for my mom as my brother refused to do it and I am a female.

OMG! The story of my life!

Yep! We make think we've come 'a long way, baby' but for our parents who were raised old school. the woman handled this sort of thing. Back in the day as elderly relatives required more care, they moved in where someone could care for them. The lady in the house took care of that chore.

Also where sons are concerned, when it gets down to the dirty work - very few mom's will want a son to do personal things for them. It doesn't mean he can't do ANYTHING to help.

He can pick up groceries (you do an online order and let him pick up and deliver). Don't wait for him to ask what needs to be done. That won't happen. Call him and tell him you need some help. Be specific about things that would ease some of your load. Groceries, medicines. If he is good with money and wouldn't 'borrow', put him in charge of paying the bills. He can probably do all of it online. Balance the checkbook at his end and keep you aware with pics or copies of the running balance.

At least in my life, my mother absolutely treated my brother differently. My brother was the golden-haired boy, no matter how lazy or negligent he was. I could rant and vent about all the verbal and emotional abuse she never failed to aim at me, but it would do no good. It took me many years and an almost nervous breakdown to realize that nothing I did would ever compare to the golden-haired boy, and that my mother was extremely self-centered. I finally decided to stay away from her, to hang up the phone when she became abusive. I stopped taking her to her medical appointments. So, yes, I believe some mothers treat their sons differently. And, there is nothing yu can do to change that. Take care of yourself.

Yes all time

I do not know if my brother being her favorite, but if she confronted him on anything, he would not visit her or call her. Unfortunately, most times when he called, he wanted something. My mom would say to him on the big issue, buying the house next to him, I cannot move unless I go with her. I told her, she should do what she wants. She was afraid, he would pressure her to switch houses since his family (her only grand kids) could better use her house. I was her excuse why she would not be able to switch homes. I passed on things, moving away to be with someone I really liked, but felt guilty to leave her, the help and companionship she needed. My mother, would call him and say, I got some extra food or things for him, the grand kids, tell me more about moving, etc...and he would visit while I was at work. At times, she offered me money, but I said I do not need it. I think she felt bad knowing what she was giving my brother and to ease her mind, had to compensate something to me. All I asked of her, help me to help her. We need to work together. After her death, I did inherit her estate, but was willing to work with my brother of what to do with it. I offered his wife any household possessions and she declined. The next time I got any message from him was to start the probate since he is going to contest it on the grounds I coerced/fraud our mom writing her Will. In the end, I refused to settle with him and give him something to make him go away. I was willing to take this to the end. I told my attorney, either way, I would need to sell the house and I rather pay her to defend me and the truth, than reward him and his selfishness. In the end, he withdrew his case. I figured, his attorney was on a contingency and can see the future my brother would not win and he would not get paid. My mom's attorney told me, she did this because, I am weak and my brother would over power me with the estate. When our dad died, my mom gave my brother his business and asked him to run it and after a year, enough to pay off our dad's debt, it is all his. This opportunity gave him the income and time to go back to school and have more family time, since he was being laid off from his job. After two months, he came to our mom and told her, he sold the business and here is $1,000 and sign here. She refused. All I can say to her, she should not be surprised. After 27 years, through the grapevine, I found out my brother died 3 years before. I contacted his wife and she never knew about the past and she just assumed, we were never close and that is why we had no contact. I told her, I did not forget about their children, I mail cards with money for their birthday, etc., but it was hand delivered to my mailbox. After a couple of times, I stopped. When we got together, I gave her the postmarked cards to her children and the newspaper announcements when their children graduated from High School. I did think about them through the years. I did give her our parents wedding, etc...jewelry to pass it down to her children just to keep it in the family (I never had children). I offered my brother's pre-marriage photos of him and other things I stored after our mom died that was at her home. After 30 years of our mother's death, I still carry the guilt not being a better daughter and go the extra mile in making our relationship better. Through that experience, I try my best to help others because guilt is hard to live with. Dec. my husband broke his hip, was in rehab and the week before he came home, his new roommate of 1 1/2 weeks tested positive to the coronavirus (after 3 weeks of the lock down). My husband tested positive. His last two months of life, I could not be with him and eventually the telephone calls stopped. The day he was to come home, he died. The past guilt and now his death and my abandonment of him because of the circumstances has torn me apart.

Mantra from yesteryear: My son is my son until he takes a wife, my daughter is my daughter for all of my life. There was a great disparity in my mother's treatment towards both of us and I am still simmering 80+ years later. When my brother died, the minister came and interviewed my mother. My name was never mentioned at the funeral, and after the service, the minister and other attendees told me they never knew my brother had a sister. Guess who took care of mom for 30 years ... my mother lived to 96!

Get over it!
My daughter is soon to be 60 and she still carries this animosity and will not talk to her brother.
Claims he got everything, which is so not true. How long is it healthy to carry this around.I say examine it honestly...if it is true then maybe you need therapy to rid yourself of a llifetime of animosity.....G

Set boundaries and stick to them. You may be surprised at the respect you receive when you hold boundaries firm. If you do the majority of care for your parents, and they are financially stable, ask to be compensated for your work. A lot of resentment will melt away.

Vanessa,
I am 64 years old and up until my mother died several years ago, my mother idolized my two brothers. She expected me to do all the work while my brothers could do whatever they wanted and just watch football on TV. They could do no wrong even though they were married multiple times and would limit very much the time they shared with her. One brother even moved out of town to get a job when he was in his late 20's so he could get away from her, but he was her favorite. The other brother took advantage of her. They both were more financially succesful than me but she would do anything for them and nothing for me. Both brothers and their wives at the time would take vacations together with my mother, but my husband and I were never asked. She told me 3 weeks before I got married (to my one and only husband) that it would never last and that she would leave me no money when she died because she said the marriage would not last, I would be broke and on the streets and felt I could not handle it and she would leave it to my brothers to give me what they could. I've been married 42 years. However, with all that said, she expected me to handle all the dirty work and take care of her on a daily basis. It turned out that when she was declining in health and would need to move somewhere, she died of a stroke so I did not have the daily late life struggle with her a lot of visitors to this forum have. I loved my mother and always tried to make her happy but about 10 years before she died I realized that was never going to happen so I stopped trying so hard and just honored her as my mother which was difficult to do. I think she tried in some round about way about 6 months before she died to say she was sorry for how she treated me.

I think part of the problem was she was from a different generation with strict European guidelines as to what sons should do and what daughters should do never realizing that the world was evolving and progessing so that daughters and women should be respected more and given an equal opportuity. Being a teenager growing up in the 60's and 70's ("You've come a long way, baby") while in a household culture of no advancement for women other than cooking and cleaning and taking care of the men was super difficult. It can mess with your mind and it did but I'm amazed I never become an alcoholic or drug dependent because of it.

My advice is to let it go. You will not change her. If you need to ignore her for awhile or do your own thing, do it. Let the boys handle it. Yes, you will probably be poorly spoken of, but she would do that anyway. What's important is God knows what is going on and as long as you give her as much respect as you can muster since she is your mother, that will go a long way when Judgment Day comes. That's not to say you should not protect yourself. Again, when you need to go away and skip seeing her for a few days, do it. I wish my younger self had done so and not waited so long. Unfortunately, young daughters don't see the reality until they mature. For all young girls out there, if this is your situation, break free from home as soon as you turn 18. Find what you love to do and do it. Don't let anyone tell you girls aren't supposed to do that. Go after your goal. Vanessa, you take care of yourself.

Absofrigginglutely!!!

My mom has no problem giving money to her eldest, grand daughter and great grand daughter even though the contribute nothing around here. I call them ufpos useless. freeloading pieces of sh#t.

As far as she is concerned I should be grateful to her because she puts a roof over my head, clothes on my back ( which she gets for free at church) and food in my belly. I gave up a very good teaching position because if I did not come home she would have been thrown into a seniors home. She has the money to pay me live in care giver wages but gives it to the uspos while I get nothing.

Last summer I was stupid enough to give in to her bullying and moved all the furniture in the basement by myself (the others were "too busy" ). It threw out my sciatic nerve and I could barely walk for six months. Even now my foot is still swelled and sometimes I cannot walk. She see's it every day and feels no sympathy nor remorse.

It seems to me in a perverted way that those that treat others like c#ap are worshiped while those that are good to those same folk are treated like c#ap by them. My my what a messed up world we live in.

yep, i got over it

Yes. To the point my mom removed me from her will. Put my brother in charge of everything, left house and estate all to my brother. My brother talks bad to her and complains when he has to help her. Me the female has to listen to her complain. She has her whole estate tied up on his name. On 5anxiety meds and has been over medicated self induced for years. I leave all in God's hands.

Dear One,
I can relate to your situation perfectly. Fact is the one who is always there for Mom &/or Dad is the one who is blamed for everything that the elder parent views as “wrong.” I caution you with your brother because if your mother takes his side he could easily go behind your back (as my brother did) and hurt you personally by lying to your mother about you. When parents are elderly they begin to lose their good sense of judgment and can easily believe lies told to them as well as do a lot of lying themselves about the caregiver(s). I know that it’s infuriating and wrong what your brother is doing in not lending a helping hand, but my advice is to do your best to keep your cool & watch him carefully with your mom. Best to you!

Yes. I took care of my mom. She lived with us 10 years. I’m not complaining but what drove me crazy was that my husband and I did everything with and for her. My brother lives out of state so he called once a week. When he was healthy he would visit once a year maybe twice. Our whole system was disturbed but he could do no wrong. My mom always felt bad for him for so many reasons while I was in charge of all of my moms care issues health and problems. When my brother became sick I protected my mom from this not to break her. He is better now. Mom passed away Nee Years Eve in a skilled nursing home. We got to spend time with her Unfortunately my brother was out of town. I miss her terribly but know she was well cared for with us. My brother is still grieving because he didn’t live here. Life is so difficult.

YES YES! Throughout My life. The best thing I can say is remind yourself that you are taking care of your parents because you WANT to. (Hopefully that is the case). Otherwise just remember that in the end you will have no regrets about having seen that they got the best they deserved to have. Then just let go (if you can achieve this) the anger and upset dealing with this is causing. I found that I had to do some real soul searching to get to a point that I could accept that my brothers (and there were 3) would do nothing and always expected me to do everything. That was from fixing a curtain to fixing Mom. You are not alone - It is fairly normal for the care to fall on the daughter in a family - don't know why, but sure seems that way.

Take care! And take care of yourself too.