Most know my story, mom died, and dad moved in 8 years ago multiple states away from the rest of the family. He is ambulatory but a fall risk, I manage all his meds and Dr appts. I took his driving away from him (bad driver anyway). I have to take him to most places that he can't get a ride to. I make dinner every night and get very little time alone with my wife.
I work at home so he's in the sunshine and I'm in the basement. I can't talk more than a whisper around the house because everything becomes his conversation with everyone else. Dinner is in silence as every topic becomes a one-upmanship or fodder for his next phone call.
TBH I am burnt. We finally get our bucket list trip in a month but it took a long time to get the plans to get him to my siblings.
It's just that I can't do anything around the house without the feeling of being watched.
I have to time my trips to the kitchen when he's not there, When I do he comes out of his living room. I enjoy working alone and just not talking to anyone during the day other than my clients on the phone.
it's driving me crazy.
Tired of cleaning the bathroom every time I need to go. Cleaning the kitchen after he makes something, it's not big messes just sloppiness. Tired of the smell from his rooms of not taking a bath for days on end or until he has an appointment or a place to go and him not picking his clothes off the floor (he is capable). Tired of the passive-aggressive leaving something on the counter, dryer that he wants to be replaced like detergent or something from the fridge instead of saying "when you go out can you pick up?". no that does not happen. Tired of not being able to have dinner parties like we used to with our friends as now he sits in the middle and becomes the topic.
Just tired with no breaks but maybe once a year. Tired of the family telling me he is isolated when he goes out to dinner and lunch more times a week than I do.
Thank for listening, just need to vent a little.
Yes, I did counseling, no he can't live on his own, no he doesn't have the money, no I am not going to put him in a facility until it becomes necessary.
I (38yr-old son) recently lost my Mother. She was only 71, but she had a bad lung condition (that sadly took her 3 yrs after diagnosis) and also couldn't walk very far in the last few years of her life. I lived close by, would visit all the time, mow the lawn,etc, & go to a lot of appointments with them. Occasionally, if my Dad went away for a week to visit family, then I'd look after her (which didn't involve too much tbh), but I did sometimes wonder how we'd cope as time went on, or if something happened to him.
I loved my Mum to death, enjoyed being around her, & miss her badly, yet I still know if I'd been forced to be her caregiver for years on end then resentment would have set it, & I hated myself for that. Living with *anyone* can be challenging, let alone a parent that u feel responsible for, & some of the things that you allude to would also have started to wear me down. You have to sacrifice so much.
I honestly dont know how some of the people on here do what they do. You deserve public recognition or a lump sum payment or something.
Their parents sound like much worse people than mine (no offence), & with personalities/dementia conditions that make the situation 10x worse. Plenty of you are in your 60's yourselves - only a few years younger than my parents - I cant imagine the toll of being run off your feet day&night looking after such a person must take.
:)
hug!!
"no he can't live on his own, no he doesn't have the money, no I am not going to put him in a facility until it becomes necessary."
--totally understand you.
and as you very well know yourself, you're a super son.
kind.
and burned out.
oh boy. yes, it's the same feeling for many people.
as many have pointed out: at some point it becomes: their life OR our life. finding a perfect, win-win situation is very hard. (it takes luck...the stars line up, and somehow you're lucky to find the ideal solution for their lives and your life).
normally those are the people who have an elderly LO who is:
--kind, respectful, appreciative, not too many health problems.
that all comes down to luck.
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you're venting. i also vent, believe me. unfortunately for me, my way of venting is stress eating (i have a terrible habit). i look like a little pumpkin right now (kidding) (i'm exaggerating). i'm normally a competitive athlete, and not being optimally fit is a big problem...
(the competitions are cancelled right now because of the pandemic.)
i have to stop stress eating :). my coach is going to kill me.
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the point is, i totally understand you venting.
BIG HUG.
i wish for the stars to line up, for us all :). we need luck.
bundle of joy :)
sometimes it helps to imagine what you would say to your younger self 2 years ago:
then do (right now) whatever warning you would give to your younger self.
hug! here's what i would say to bundle of joy (2 years younger) :
"dear bundle of joy, i know you adore your parents, but you MUST, MUST work on your life. you don't realize right now, but this whole "you helping out" will take over your life. at first, it'll just be a few days. but then months and months. you'll be worried, won't sleep. you'll start neglecting your health. WORK ON YOUR LIFE. if not now, when? love & hugs, from bundle of joy."
Seconds, and I mean seconds after they came to the back door of my house dad comes out to the kitchen. Thinking of just timing for him to go to the bathroom, nope! He saw them pull in, and made his way to the kitchen and they had just come in, he sits down at the table. OM, I'm pretty smoking about now. I offer our friends a beverage and he sitting there says "I'd like one". OK, now I'm getting pretty upset. So I ask my friends to go out to the pool and sit, so my wife gets us plastic glassware for the pool area then dad asks for one as he is getting up to join everyone. By this time I am out the door and I hear my wife in a very not happy sound, "Our friends are here to visit us and we would like some time with them, we don't interfere with your friends so let us", Damm I love that girl! You think she kicked a puppy. I made dinner, and we put a plate together for him to enjoy. But it is like this every time, we cannot have dinner parties because he sits right in the middle and takes over the conversation.
The man gets his time with his friends, lunches, and dinners out multiple times a week and Sundays.
He won't remember, he won't care, in his mind, everyone is here to see him, except his grandchildren, they have to go see him if it is my friends he is right out in the middle.
So lately we have been being point-blank with him, it is the only way. He doesn't get it.
The man is not isolated as he tells everyone. I put his AC units in his rooms but do I get a thank you? Heck no.
Trying to be nice as I get it he can't get around much but damm he is the one who didn't prepare for retirement or his health, so everything falls to the rest of us to pick up.
He has his SSI money to buy everyone lunch and dinner except for those who have to take care of him, we pay all of his living expenses, and my sibling pays for his cell phone (that is it).
He is the definition of a narcissist.
Thanks for letting me continue to rant.