4.5 years ago my mother wanted to move to our town and we built a house with a space for her. 2.5 years ago she had a medically-aborted stroke, and my family and I have since had to deal with her being violent, screaming at us, lying to us and lying about us. She has positioned us as the enemy. I've spent countless hours trying to find the best way to help her, found ALFs we could tour, and spent nearly a year trying to get her into a highly regarded care memory clinic to be evaluated. She has refused ALF visits and canceled multiple appointments. Instead, she's been relying on advice from questionably-motivated "friends", has removed me as POA, and seems to be changing her will to mostly exclude me (I am her only child). We've discovered from her actions and from her sister's information that my mother is and always has been a pathological liar and a narcissist. I'm not sure any more whether her issues are that or if theres dementia, and now we'll never know. When my health starting being really affected, my therapist recommended and my husband and I made the difficult decision to ask her to find another place to live. We gave her just over 2 months deadline. Now she has come back talking about elder abuse and some benefit she gets when she turns 80 (no clue what that could be), so she says she won't move out until her birthday, which is 4 months away. I didn't want to have to do the formal eviction process, but I threatened that when she said she refused. Spending the lawyer money isn't appealing especially since it may take that 4 months anyway. We never imagined it would go this way, and we really never wanted this, but we can't continue this way for the safety, physical and mental health of us or our children. Any (nice, helpful) thoughts? Advice?
A stroke before it becomes a stroke that is diagnosed as a stroke will cause damage, and you do not know how many undiagnosed ones she had prior to that one.
Continued undiagnosed strokes and the cognitive effects can be diagnosed as a Vascular Dementia.
I would also consider calling APS for options, for at present your home is "under occupation" and you have not even a care contract for shared living expenses. You have just written us, unfortunately and sadly, the best warning for not taking a parent into your home that I have seen on Forum for a while.
I am so very sorry this has happened, but as your mother fails more she is not going to become easier to deal with. I would let the state assume her care as they must for a person with no children.
"my mother is 79 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, depression, hearing loss, and stroke."
and
"...changes from aging and a mild stroke have made her someone I don't recognize."
Does she have a medical diagnosis of dementia? If so, when did she change her PoA? Is it possible she did it after the diagnosis? If so, then the PoA may not be valid.
You state that you had a close relationship with her and then she changed, but apparently has been a narcissist her whole life... but you said the stroke and aging decline changed her, so which is it? It is easier to write someone off because they are a "narcissist" than it is to deal with an LO who has dementia. FYI elders with dementia mostly turn into narcissists because they stop being able to have empathy for others, can't work from reason and logic anymore (which results in very bad judgment), become uninhibited in their expressed thoughts and actions, and on and on, as in the case of your Mom *who wasn't always this way* per your own words. Or was she screaming and throwing stuff your whole life and you thought this was normal?
If you know who her current PoA is, I'd contact them to let them know you'll be evicting her and she will need a place to live. It's no longer your job to figure this out for your Mom.
The other option is to go for guardianship if you want to stay in control of your Mom's care and affairs. This needs to go through the courts and will take financial and time resources.
You need to decide if your Mom always had a PD (personality disorder) or if she was the victim of a stroke and also dementia. You're not imagining that you're dealing with something awful. I wish you success in getting her out of your house and somewhere she will get the care she needs now and into her future.
Not sure why you say I need to decide if she is this or that. I'm NOT lying - that's her thing. She has apparently been a narcissist and pathological liar all her life, but I didn't know it. She HAS changed since the stroke - she did not scream and throw things before and I don't recognize the person she is now. I'm NOT trying to get out of taking care of her by changing my mind about her issues.
I thought about giving her 3 regular apartment options that are in her preferred area, reasonably priced and have openings so she has no excuse. Should I bother?
Pass over 3 shiny brochures & let them look at them for a day or two. Gives the dignity of choice, without a long list of overwhelming choices.
They can then ask questions about the places, maybe talk it over with family or friends.
Having a choice can feel powerful!
Of course the very stubborn will rip the brochures up, curse & yell.. then family choose for them. (Which I'm sure you'll do!)
When you are all at sea, in the fog, then at last a glimpse of land appears on the horizon. At last! Forward bound!
Keep updating if it helps you.
It may need the help of medical professionals, elder care social services or a social worker. Not to convince Mother but to state her realistic options in a way she can hear & understand (as she is either not listening or cannot comprehend). Then to make the next steps happen.
Not wanting a 'care home' is normal. Stalling for time, anger & fear all normal reactions.
It takes a great deal of mental powers to plan to move home - would Mother be able to do that?
Wind back a bit, do you think Mother understands your point of view? Understand why living separate is on the agenda?
Look under care topics for 'Anosognosia'. I don't wish to suggest it IS this, but stroke is a brain injury & cognition changes do happen. She may lack insight to her situation.
I would also send her a certified letter indicating that you are starting the eviction process.
If she does not move out before the case comes to court then you have begun the first steps.
If she does move out then you do not have to go to court, just contact the court and cancel the request for eviction.
If she does move out make sure that you cange all the locks.
If she comes back call the police and they can escort her off the property.
If you are concerned about your safety, the safety of your family and property you might want to think about a restraining order.
You then are an arm's length away.
Don't be so afraid of doing this, she doesn't care about you or your family, time to take charge and get rid of her.
I did most everything for my mother, my brother did little, one day while driving she announced, I am not leaving you anything in my will, you have enough. That was it for me, didn't care about the money, it was she made it clear "You don't matter to me"! That was it for me, I had put up with verbal abuse for 63 years and I was done, haven't spoken to her since and never will.
Best 13 years of my adult life, do what is right for you and your family.
If it's one of her "friends" consider taking her for a visit to them.
Change the locks. I am hoping that she hasn't paid for any part of the house.
Finally, I know this must be VERY hard for you. It must feel like you're breaking your mother's heart and possibly ending what had previously been a pretty decent relationship.
But here's the thing. What you're doing right now isn't helping your mom. It's enabling her. You are preventing her from getting the treatment that she needs.
You are going to need to stop giving her control (asking nicely and negotiating )and start treating her like an out of control toddler if that's how she behaves.
Give choices: "would you like to tour on Monday or Tuesday? Go to this AL or that AL? No, mom. That is not an option. You may not longer live here. You will be evicted if you don't leave on your own."
As I said, get to lawyer on Monday. We've got your back.
Send them both on a cruise way before her birthday.
Ask an attorney if it is legal for you to set up an apt. in AL for when she returns.
Have the entire house draped and fumigated so you all will need to find alternative housing. Make her's a respite care facility that can become long-term. Extend the tenting as long as it takes.
Make sure the money is right if she invested in building the house with the basement space. You may need to give her investment back.
So sorry you are having to go through this.
Start the eviction process on Monday.
Your mother is in need of psychiatric attention. Allowing her to remain, untreated, in your home, is enabling her denial of her illness.
Look up "Grey Rock" as a technique for dealing with folks with personality disorders.
The next time she has a screaming fit, throws something, has a fall, or so much as hiccups, call 911 and have her taken to the ER and do not accept her back into your house.
Also, when "goes off" take out your phone and video her actions. Without comment. You may need evidence to counter her claims of who is abusing whom.
Consider installing cameras through the home to monitor her actions, especially if you are worried about the dog.
This reign of terror has to end.
Nope. She does not call the shots. It doesn’t matter when she wants to leave. She will leave when you tell her to leave.
You are past “nice, helpful” thoughts to handle this. She doesn’t seem able to respond to nice anymore. It will be ugly no matter what.
Give her no more than 2 weeks. She won’t go and thinks you’re not truly serious about it. Time for her to find out how serious you are.
Make her uncomfortable :
1) Remove all or most of your own furniture from her basement. Leave the bed and a chair, but not the TV.
2) Lock up your food, and stop providing food. Depending on the layout, this may involve a lock on your kitchen, the cupboards or the fridge. Any food she has that goes off is removed as a health hazard in your home.
3) Respond to her and anyone who asks “we want her to leave and seek appropriate care”.
4) Perhaps contact APS. Get in first with your story - “We never undertook to care for her, and we cannot do so in future. Her behavior is deteriorating and we cannot continue. She needs to seek appropriate care”. Remember that her ‘rights’, if any, are for occupancy, not for care or domestic services.
Try for a health assessment that she is not legally capable of changing her will.
1) Make a list of every instance of her less acceptable behavior.
2) Talk to her doctor, ask for an assessment and document her refusal to have the assessment made if you can’t organise it.
3) When you’ve done both of those, perhaps have an appointment with a lawyer about the situation, particularly regarding her legal capacity.
If a crisis is imminent, send the dog to a kennel for a couple of weeks.
Good luck!