My sister and I are deeply concerned that our mom is being taken advantage of by her Catholic church. When our dad passed away 5 years ago, our mom turned to the church and we were wholly supportive. But over the last few years, she has become increasingly obsessed, her once wide circle of friends is now reduced to only church members bar 2 neighbors. All she talks about is the church, it dominates her life to the exclusion of all else. She has developed friendships with priests which we worry are inappropriate (going in vacation, spending nights at her home), taking gifts etc. To clarify, these friendships are not romantic in any away more that she sees herself as a mother figure. She is talking about dissolving the family trust set up with my dad with the sole intent of benefiting his grandchildren to leave money to the priests. These are very large sums and absolutely goes against our dad's wishes and hers at the time. My sister and I don't know what to do. There is an increasing gulf between us all and we have tried to discuss it with our mom but she gets angry and shuts down the conversation. It feels like we are losing her.
I would implore mom to make sure she has enough money to take care of herself, sit down and go through everything, as for how much money she will need to go into a nicer AL, a month. All the expenses, and tell her you will not ruin your life if she gives away all of her money.
I hope others have some better suggestions for you.
If she sets up estate documents showing the money being left to individual priest(s), I would notify the archdiocese immediately. A priest takes a vow of poverty. They have no business being the heir to a congregant's estate.
Now, if mom decides to leave the money to the church, that's a different story, and a battle you won't win if she is still with it, cognitively speaking. When dad died, mom became the beneficiary of the estate and is now entitled to do with it as she wants, regardless of your dad's wishes. It's unfortunate, but true.
If mom is planning on giving this money away while she still lives, I would tell her that it might mean a penalty if she should need long term care under Medicaid, and that you and your sister aren't going to bail her out by bringing her into your home or taking care of her in hers. If she has the cognitive ability to change her estate planning, she should have the cognitive ability to understand there might be repercussions from her decisions as well.
Sometimes, unfortunately, churches will prey on elderly people, especially those who have some financial means, to "remember" the church in their estate planning. There are actually groups of "estate planners" that will come to a church and teach the church leadership, be they clergy or laypeople, how to "talk" to people in that demographic about "estate planning". In my opinion, it's immoral, but there isn't anything illegal about it.
You might want to try a different tactic with mom. ASK her where she got the idea of leaving money to the church/priests. Talk about it in a non-judgmental way. Often, they use a mixture of playing on a congregant's guilt and pity, talking how much the church needs the money, and what good it will do. Point out that her grandchildren also need the money, and what good THEY can do with it.
It could also be that your mom feels that the church has "been there" for her, where perhaps her grandchildren have not. It's a complaint you sometimes see from the elderly, where they feel that their family is just waiting for them to die so they can get their hands on their inheritance. It's not an uncommon feeling; maybe that's where mom is with this? If so, you need to be prepared to hear that as well.
I guess it would be best at this time that the family know it cannot expect an inheritance off mom's money.
This was not so in NJ. Had trouble downloading the article.
"A 2014 file photo of Archbishop John J. Myers' retirement house as the Archdiocese of Newark spent more than a half million dollars for a 3,000-square-foot addition with an indoor pool, fireplaces and an elevator."
He was an Archbishop but the diocese saw it unappropriate and sold the house. So where did that Priest get his money? I would report this to the higher ups. If Mom offers gifts, they should be turned down. Staying the night is weird to me.
Vacations? Sleep-overs? NOT appropriate.
I would think that the diocese would be quite open to listening to you, as they're in enough trouble with inappropriate actions by priests.
On one hand I get that , this is moms business, and forget the inheritance, on the other hand , Churches can take advantage of older people.
There is Something Rotten in Denmark here.
Call the bishop or the archbishop and report these priests. They are not always the "holy men" they claim to be. The altar boy assaults ALONE that have been outed should be enough to convince you of that.
Also, have mother tested for cognitive issues, please.
Good luck.
There is no way that a "priest" should be going on a "vacation" with a parishioner (excluding church sponsored trips where an entire group is going)
And for sure a "priest" should not be spending the night with a parishioner.
There is a good possibility that you might have to go to court and get Guardianship. People in cults are brainwashed and this is what might have happened here. The fact that she has reduced the circle of friends that she had previously is a good indication.
I would make an appointment with the attorney that had helped your mom and dad draw up the trust discuss this with him/her. And who is your mom's POA for health and finances?
Has your mom seen her doctor recently? If not it might be time to make an appointment. (use the open enrollment time and you need a check up excuse) Your mom may be showing some signs of dementia.
I feel bad for your mother but this smells to high heaven. Pun intended.
My BIL was a golf buddy of a priest who actually did get in trouble for (I think) misleading or taking advantage of wealthy elderly women. This was a long time ago, and I wasn't close to the situation. But it was very shocking. It does happen!
I think I would visit a top certified elder attorney who is proficient with trusts to better understand what the reality is regarding the terms of the trust in question and what you can legally do to protect your mom.
Make yourself more a present in your mom’s life. The idea of security cameras might be floated for her protection.
Most parents don’t want their adult children telling them what to do and with whom. That’s not unusual. Your mom may be having the “time of her life”.
It is also common for widows to lose friends. My own SIL has done much the same as you describe in making the church her sole point of focus since becoming a widow. The couples friends seem to move on. Even the ones who attend her church. She now seems to always be with other single women from her church or with her preachers family. She seems happy with her life.
DH aunt also Catholic indicated she would leave her estate to her church. Her priest retired and returned to Europe. She was thrilled when he remembered her on her 90th. She has faithful friends who visit her in the Nh from her church, much more so than her family.
But fraud is everywhere. Many appear to be on the grift and it is evidently difficult for the innocent to recognize. It would be prudent to quietly investigate.
If it was known that there was a solid trust, the more aggressive might lose interest.