My brother and I are now caring for our 92 yr. old mother who has a significant short term memory impairment who currently continues to live in her own apartment in a 55+ complex. Essentially, she lives in the moment. It’s been a year now and we’ve disagreed as to whether she would be better off in assisted living around others. We do now have it set where she is with someone for dinner every night but my issue is that at her apartment she sits in her chair with only a radio on until someone picks her up in mid afternoon. Her health is excellent for her age so she only takes one prescription medication. In the end, I feel we are both interested in her well-being but I’m a retired mental health therapist and he is an attorney. Totally different perspectives.
1. moved herself to AL, when she needed more than pop in pop out home helpers
2. downsized herself to IL, with AL & NH onsite for future needs
3. reluctantly chose AL, after taking turns with relatives was tried but not right. She wanted a space she could make a home of own own.
These three wonderful ladies all possessed reasoning & insight - had lashings of common sense & were realistic about their circumstances and life.
I understand. Then it would not you or your brother forcing a change, it would be her wish. With no guilt.
But with memory problems such as you describe, living in the moment, I cannot image Mother could make this future plan or picture it if you described. it. But I don't know her - you know her best!
What does your Mother value? Her interests? I would put my Mother into care in a heartbeat as she always hated being alone, always had the TV or radio on for company, likes to be with people & has no real solo hobbies, whereas not for my Dad as he likes a bit of solitude & has many solo hobbies.
I would be guided by your Mother's values. Maybe instead of asking do you want to move into a nursing home? Ask if she likes being alone? Would she like to live in a hotel, with other seniors? Eat in the dining room with them & attend a few things like Bingo. Maybe even take her to lunch or a coffee (if that is possible) to a nice AL you have pre-chosen. Even make it a regular coffee trip.
If your chosen place offers respite stays (if/when everyone is vaccinated & things a little more normal) consider it. Then if her health changes, or you need a holiday, you will have a safe place for her to stay.
Wouldn't hurt to tour a few places & get an idea how they differ. I'm a planner, so I'd rather have a few I'd consider rather than scramble around in a health crises to start then.
My Dad started out in a very nice apartment which had a full kitchen. He did enjoy having meals in the restaurant styled dining room... he was placed with a couple who grew up in the same State he did, so he was happy with that.
Dad wasn't a social butterfly, he was happy reading the newspaper and watch 24 hour local news. But look out when it came time for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, he had his walker up to full speed.
Eventually Dad needed more care, thus he went to Assisted Living/Memory Care in the same complex. His studio apartment was small but we joked it was his college dorm room. Dad did bring his caregiver to give him some company 7am to 1pm, she had been with Dad almost a year prior. She would drag him to the social hours when music was being played.... made sure he went to his physical therapy... and that he had an hour on the sun porch. Occasionally they would walk outside. I realize not everyone can budget for this.
It is rare however when someone does make this life move on their own. My entire family is into making things as easy for other family members as it can be. It's how we were raised. Our parents voluntarily went into a place where they could go from duplex, to apartment, to ALF to care when needed. It's unusual, tho, I think.