Does anyone who’s a caregiver deal with sibling interference that make it hard to care for a LO?

As Dr Laura says "Just be polite and move on". No argument. No defending yourself (which leads to more argument). Just simple answers. On the phone here are a few responses to use.
1. Whoops, gotta go. Doorbell.
2. Have to go bathroom. Talk later.
3. Mom needs me. Talk later.
4. Going to consider what you said. Talk later.
5. You could be right. Let's talk later.
6. Spaghetti boiling over. Talk later.
7. Oh, Ouch! Danged bee sting. Talk later.
8. Jen's at the door. Gotta let her in. Talk later.
9. My toe's bleeding. Talk later.
10. God, you are so smart. I never thought of that. Talk later.

Come back when you need more responses. No talk, no texting. No eye contact. Sweet smiles and lots of them. "I am so lucky to have you; could you bring us over some depends medium size?"
Stay sweet. Sweetness can be very deadly.

My condolences on the loss of your Dad. It seems you are now caring for Mom. If it all gets to be too much you will have to look at tough decisions for yourself. Your siblings are unlikely to change. Keep contact very very minimal. Remember that any response from you will just PROLONG. It won't change anything, but will simply make it all worse.
Best out to you and take care.

Yes . A lot of people have the problem you are dealing with .

Tell your mother if she’s not happy she should ask to move in with one of her other children .

Tell your siblings , if they think they can do a better job they are more than welcome to take Mom home with them .

Since your mother seems perfectly capable of talking to her other children ,
I don’t see why you have to explain anything to them . You aren’t a hired servant working for your siblings . Use excuses to get off the phone.

It may be time to find another solution for your mother’s needs .

I‘m not so sure that your mother is unaware that she gives your siblings ammunition .

She’s pitting your siblings against you on purpose so they pressure you to do what Mom wants .

Your Dad was the buffer , he’s now gone .
Don’t underestimate your mother’s manipulativeness in this . Your mother may be the covert narcissist in all this , and holds all the puppet strings to her children. You may have been the one mom chose to be the caregiver all along .

I know , because I lived this scenario .

Don't answer their calls. Do they live nearby? When they say you're not doing something correctly say, come on over to mom's, I'm going out of town. They complain: say-you could really help mom by sending her groceries or $500 !

My husband was very critical by nature before Lewy Body Dementia. He has become more and more critical of my care over the past year. I now tell him that I'm doing the best I can, but we can look for alternative care for him in a facility if he is truly dissatisfied with my care. I told him I would prefer to take care of him, but if he thinks I'm doing such a bad job, we can choose a facility together. He doesn't always remember, but it has quieted him down some. Note that I don't threaten, simply offer. I also told this to one of his siblings who was making insane criticisms. I said "you can help me to choose a facility that will do a better job if you like, or you can take him to your house for a month or two." Silence.

Who is POA? the person that is POA has the last say in care management as well as financial aspects (if they are POA for both)
You can not expect anyone to "pitch in" either physically or financially.
As a matter of fact YOU should not be contributing financially the moms care. If you are contributing to keeping her "afloat" what happens when you need care? Do you expect your children (or 1 child) to be in the position you are in now? Not fair to them!!!

If you are getting to the point where you can not do this yourself then you look into hiring caregivers and or look into placing her in a facility that will be able to safely manage her care. That may be anything from Independent Living to Assisted Living, Memory Care or Skilled Nursing.

as far as picking on you, finding fault with what you do...ignore them, do not respond at all. It may be difficult but just say I am not having this conversation and then leave the room,

When I took care of my mama and daddy no one helped me. I was DPOA and what I said was:
"That's the way it is."
I had control of medical decisions, bank accounts, and the trust.
When my mama passed away. Then when daddy got too much and had to put him in a facility - it was my decision. I let everyone know A,B,C and there is no X,Y,Z. I had one sibling that did give me a problem but I put him in his place and he called me everything in the book -- too bad. I had to suck it up and just let him not get under my skin. My other siblings they cared but they knew I was taking care of him.

Are you POA? Does Mom have funds to pay for her care? If you answered no to either or both of these questions, why is Mom living with you?

If Mom has funds, hire help to care for her. Be her daughter, not her slave.

In any case, start the process to get Mom placed in a residential facility. Your situation isn't sustainable long term. Then your sibs and Mom can whine to each other and you don't have to hear it.

Antonella: Prayers sent.

Why are you talking to them at all? Hating them isn’t going to help your peace. If you know you’re doing the right thing for your Mom - you need to stop caring what they think. Who cares what they think about your children? Sounds like you are too worried about their opinions. If they want to see mom, they can call her / work that out with her. I’d stay out of it.

Hi, I feel your pain. I am the last of 3 taking care of mom alone.
She goes to memory care 6 hours a day during the week.
I am having a difficult time with support from my daughter, and recently has cut off all communication. It is sad.
There has been changes done to will for poa, and it is a lot for me.
Hopefully things will work out.
Having 89th birthday party for mom this month!

How timely your question. I deal with two "armchair quarterbacks", and a brother thank God, who understands. The two sibs that live a few hours away love to come to visit for a few hours and massage their egos and guilty feelings, upset the routine, and drive away with lots of advice for me. It's hard not to be resentful or angry but the best you can do is to know you are gifting your mother with your best efforts. Your siblings are the losers. They will never have the minutes you have with your mom. Is it exhausting ? Yes! Is it frustrating! Absolutely! Are you angry at times? Deservedly so. My hope is that the experience will bring you closer to your children. It doesn't really matter what your siblings do or say. You know and God knows what you are doing for your mother and there has to be comfort in that. My mom is 91 with issues of dementia/Alzheimer's. Dad died at age 91 five months ago (in our home with hospice care). Mom is trying to continue on without the love of her life 70 years in the making. She is lost, afraid, and lonely. It's easy to criticize and judge when not living it daily. Sounds like there have been issues with them for quite awhile. Just continue doing what you are able and when/if the time comes when you can't keep it up, hold tight the fact that you did as much as you could. Prayers and all the encouragement vibes I can muster as you power on!

Nothing we say or do will change anyone else’s opinion.

You can talk until you are blue in the face and it won’t matter. Or you can scream bloody murder and it won’t change a thing. You can ignore every single word and comment and it will remain the same.

Honestly, your guess is as good as mine about how to handle these things. It’s very common. Many of us have gone through similar experiences.

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. You have two choices. Remain being a caregiver or figure out a way to leave.

Either way is uncomfortable but the latter will bring peace in the long run.

Wishing. you peace as you sort through this matter.

Back seat drivers who never get behind the wheel are the worst! If your siblings want to see your mom they should take her out or to their own homes,

That’ll be the day when someone tells me how I’m doing the caregiving wrong. When my sibling said that I told him I was done & he could do it all himself & he’s the one that had POA.

Time to get your Mom on Medicaid. You should not be paying for any of her living expenses. What’s going to happen to you when you need help.

Just be very very careful and document everything I had almost this scenario happened to me but it was when my mom passed she was the buffer so then it was just me and my dad my two brothers live in Mexico and Florida so pretty much after my mom passed, they flew back to There homes and they talk to my dad on the phone but I didn’t see them or the family members. They do live here in town didn’t see any of them for four years when brother helped my dad financially the other brother doesn’t even do that cause wife’s evil. Because at some point your mom is gonna lose it a little. And what happens 90% of the time. is the parent you’re caring for starts talking crap about you because the other siblings aren’t even around so they can’t complain about them. They only have you to complain about my daughter and I took a trip and it pissed my dad off because I was there every day if he needed anything I was there we hadn’t gotten anywhere in four years after my mom passed and we went to Vegas for two days and when I got back my dad. Wouldn’t even speak to me anyway long story short his family members that have been MIA for four years. Started feeding into my dad’s delusions and made him worse the next time my daughter and I showed up at my dads he socked my daughter in the face. completely flipped out, was so mad at us, and I have no idea why the very next day cops showed up at my house to arrest me and my daughter because my dad scratched his arm on the table they told the cops that we attacked my father when in reality, he hit my daughter and we laughed. I thought all of a sudden he got Alzheimer’s. I went home and started googling. What do I do when your elderly parent loses it I mean he’s never hit my daughter ever he loves my daughter and he’s like a father to my daughter anyway two years later and $40,000 on a lawyer to prove, we weren’t elder abusers. I got a restraining order, kept us away from my dad, took him from me. I never saw him again, and the two women that he hated more than anyone in this world are the two women that took care of him until he died their people Who married into my family. after about two years, they changed my dad‘s regular doctor that he had for five years and less than a week later he passed away from having gallbladder surgery. Why would anyone let in 93 year old man go in for surgery you know he’ll never come out of it alive. Oh, did I mention that they took my dad down and had him write me completely out of the will. which doesn’t bother me at all because my mom and dad lived and had a great life and spent their money so there was really nothing of value except their home in one minute. Had to ask my brothers and my dad to give that house to meet my daughter I knew they wouldn’t. They don’t really respect women. so now, the girl that lied to the police and told him that we attacked my dad, her son is living in that house. There’s nothing more heartbreaking than having your parent taken from you. I never saw him again not one time. I haven’t spoken to any of these people they will not take my phone calls. I don’t know why they’re afraid to talk to me, but they must have something to hide because my daughter passed away a couple years later she never really got over what my dad did, and what those people did to us we almost went to prison just for taking care of my dad and good care. we loved by dad so much they didn’t they were never even around just please be careful and document everything because once your mom can’t think that well, anyone can come in and convince her that you’re the problem when you’ve been taking care of her all along and I’ve heard the story many many times so just be careful. It was horrible. The whole thing really had an effect on my business. I lost clients and my daughter almost lost her profession. She was a special Ed teacher and a damn good one the best I think. Just remember you’re doing this from your heart❤️‍🩹. Please be careful. GOOD LUCK GOD BLESS YOU

"I feel hopeless and stuck"

They were similar to the first words I said when I finally took myself to see a Councellor.

It took a long while to consider whether I was indeed STUCK.. & if so, who by? Others? Or.. Me??

Or was I STABLE? Choosing to stay as I was due to fear of making changes?

I hadn't a clue at that stage. All I knew was it was not sustainable.

Antonella, so I ask you: is this sustainable for you?

"that my own children are helping now with groceries, I’m working 2 jobs, plus caring for my mom, I’m exhausted all the time!"

Is it indifference or boundaries? As you know taking on 24/7 caregiving is brutality exhausting.

Limit the criticism from your siblings. Remind them that they do not care for her physically or financially. Ask them to contribute to her care - if they feel your mom needs more______ (fill in the blank).

I don’t have an answer, I just wish I had your family inside of mine my brother and nephews WIFES Wait until my dad had enough dementia to turn him against me after four years they’ve never even been to visit my dad and I was his caretaker and I loved it. No one asked me to do it. I just did it he’s my dad and I love him that wasn’t quite good enough for them so they made a false police report which I thought was against the law apparently not Bakersfield and tried their damnedest to have my daughter and I arrested. $40,000 in court costs, and a year later. we plea-bargained only because either my daughter and I or my dad was gonna go to jail. One of us was lying. It’s pathetic. I never knew there was evil like this. These girls are what we call in racing as pet lizards or fence hangers. My daughter/best friend passed away.3 years later, I think, mostly to do with a broken heart. And I love these b*****s had to do was to tell the men in my family not to speak to us, so they never heard the truth. They only heard lies. My daughter was a special ed teacher. I’m so proud of her she did so much for children. my family was pretty great until the two EVIL ONES came into it. for years, my mom always told me they’re just jealous of you girls just ignore them. Maybe that wasn’t the best thing to do they just got worse and worse overtime they were just so jealous of my mom, myself and my daughter I don’t understand that. so please be careful if anyone’s taking care of an elderly parent I had no idea that my daughter and I were putting ourselves in a position where we could potentially go to jail for doing nothing but taking care of my dad. Good luck with your family. Hang in there.