I married my partner of 15 years a year ago. My father died a few months later leaving my mother of 87 and in excellent health living 200 miles away. My sister living in London and I promised my dad we would look after my mum, and I would want to as a daughter anyway. My husband, who is quite needy, is adamant he cannot accept my mother moving into a nice retirement flat round the corner because it will affect our relationship, and will restrict our freedom, etc. He refuses to discuss it or blows up into a fury. I feel absolutely torn and permanently guilty. Although it would not have been my preference, for my mum to be living round the corner, my mum does not like London, and I feel I need to welcome her to my city and be able to support her as she gets older. I feel unbelievably guilty and torn as it feels like I have to choose between my husband and my mum. I don't know that I could live with myself if my husband made his views known to the rest of the family and i fear it will damage our marriage irrevocably.
A little more detail about the current situation would help generate more specific advice.
Regardless, you're right to be concerned. Caregiving is very difficult on a marriage.
I understand the promise you made to your dad that you would take care of your mom. I made the same promise to my mom about my dad and that meant something to me.
If your mom doesn't like London that's a big red flag. Moving her there, moving her around the corner from you, isn't going to make her like London any better. It's a huge, life-altering change to make so soon after losing her husband. My dad moved away after my mom died and he said it was the worst mistake he ever made. He was running. Running from anything that reminded him of my mom. Running from the loneliness. And we no sooner got him out of his house and situated in a new city when he decided he wanted to come home. It was a mess.
If your mom moves in around the corner she'll become your responsibility. If she's vital and independent, great. If she's not you will be the one she calls on for everything and your husband is correct to an extent in that your responsibility to your mom will restrict your freedom. Especially since just the very thought of your mom moving nearby is making him crazy. What will happen once she's actually there?
I understand why you feel torn. There was a question on this site last week for caregivers: if you had to choose, would you choose your elderly parent or your spouse. Not one person said elderly parent. Your husband may be behaving like a child but at least you know where he stands.
But as for feeling guilty, don't. My caregiving ended last year when my dad died and I had plenty of guilt over stuff but I look back on that now and wonder why. I think as long as there's an elderly parent in the picture we're going to feel guilty but we shouldn't! I can see that now in my own situation and could kick myself for the years I spent feeling guilty. So while I know it's easy for me to tell you not to feel guilty, I hope you go easy on yourself with the guilt.
Whatever you decide, think about it very carefully. If you have specific questions this is a great place to ask them because you'll get honest answers from caregivers with a lot of experience under their belt.
Of course everyone is worried about how their life will change when an elderly parent comes into the picture. And people who say that they've never worried about it are lying. We don't want to appear selfish to others and that's what we think we are when we consider our own circumstances and nothing could be further from the truth!
Sorry- I've been on this train 2 years and the first 10 months I nursed my mom in my home-back to good enough health to get her where she is and I thought her living a few blocks away would be easier- and although I can now have a break from her- anytime the phone may ring.
But whatever you do, don't make drastic and permanent changes in her life so soon after the profound change of becoming a widow.