I occasionally visit a parent in a memory care facility who has alzheimers. I dont like visiting. Mainly it is to check out that they are being looked after and to be seen as another pair of eyes watching the caregivers. It is very difficult to communicate with the parent. They also have toileting issues as well which I find uncomfortable. The alzheimers is at the severe stage.
I also never had a good relationship with the parent prior to them having Alzheimer's and they have never helped me out much in my life. I have pretty much been or felt on my own since about 12 years of age and built serious independence in my life. So, I don't feel much motivation to visit. I am also very busy and do not have a lot of spare time.
So I tend to visit about once a month just to check in for half an hour or so, check that they are being looked after, look in their room etc. It's not quality time. It's just me checking things out.
How do other children of Alzheimer's parents deal with parents with serious Alzheimer's? Are there other people who grapple with similar sentiment? People who have not had a good childhood/abusive childhood and have never had a good relationship with the parent?
Mom had a stroke at age 75. Not severe, but her memory became very impaired as the years went along. She did no cooking, housework, and neglected her hygiene as time went on. Her memory capacity was no longer than a few minutes at best and then she started to repeat herself. Over and over again. It was driving my dad (and me) nuts. She could not help at all with him.
So he passed away in 2019, and she was moved to memory care immediately. She is "confused," doesn't know where she is, has no memory capacity at all. She is physically OK, got COVID in MC and recovered without hospitalization. But I have not seen her in person since a "parking lot" outside visit in September.
I dread visiting. The idea kept me awake many nights. Mom and I were never close. She called me the "smart one." She told me she was envious that I went to college (and graduate school.) I had a career (for longer than I wanted.) She never worked outside the house. I am fascinated by medicine, travel, history, lifelong learning. She admits her greatest pleasure is "gossip." She is well liked in the MC, but has a lot of unkind remarks about members of the family, just catty stuff that I don't want to hear, over and over, all afternoon. The other thing we do when I visit is watch the daytime TV shows. It's horrible, boring, frustrating and I run out of stuff to say to her.
I have to say the last 9 months without the 3x weekly visits have been a godsend. I am dreading the time when we all get vaccinated and the visits resume.
So no, you are not alone, you are not unusual, and your feelings are valid.
I try and watch TV with the parent. Its nice when you can do that. But they have no attention span at all and I dont think they know whats going on on the Tv at all so they get up and start wandering around.
my H was always been a generous and good dad, his self entitled kids who are in their late 50s come to see him at home about 2 x s year, is in stage 6.
Your 1x per mo. visit falls under “honoring” this parent, in way of the fact that you were given life. Your life matters! You have a destiny to be fulfilled.
I think you’ve shown great wisdom to put boundaries up around your heart, your life and your time. No guilt. The fact that you’ve raised yourself since 12 yrs. old is a testimony to true grit, determination, resilience and survivor skills.
I give you my admiration and respect.
God bless you!
Mother is finally at some kind of peace in her life, at nearly 91. She is likely to live for 5+ more years, the women in my family live forever. She is finally content with her life, she doesn't have a single responsibility, she can focus on herself. Doesn't care if family comes to visit, in fact, doesn't even KNOW most of the great grands.
I think it's weird, but as she has stopped with the guilt trips about how we kids ruined her life (this seems to be a generational thing--my MIL is the exact same way--her life would have been so much better if she hadn't had 'those kids'.)
Mom has stopped threatening suicide. She's stopped abusing meds, and seems far more content to do absolutely nothing all day. She's only interested in the 2 sets of twin g-grands (whom she never sees) and her one remaining friend than anything else. That's all she talks about.
I visit when "I" feel strong enough to handle any off the cuff hurtful remarks. She has no sense of time passing, so I can get away with a visit every 6-8 weeks and it's all fine.
Best of all, I feel NO guilt over pretty much ignoring her. She checked out of being an active 'mother' to me when I was about 12, and never looked back.
Don't worry about what the ALZ NH thinks of you. They've seen it ALL--every possible relationship permutation and I bet nothing shocks them anymore. Just do what's comfortable for you.
You certainly aren't alone in this!!
It is difficult for an adult child to care for a parent that never really cared for the child.
I think visiting once per month to ensure she is being taken care of is above and beyond.
Many children simply abandon emotionally abusive parents.....And, IMO, there is nothing wrong with doing that.
One of the issues for most adult children is that seeing our parents' decline is a reminder of our OWN eventually decline and mortality - an unpleasant thought for all of us.
Same situation here. I’ve never had a good relationship with mom. Before her dementia, our infrequent conversations consisted of her doing almost all the talking (complaining), with me saying very little if I didn’t want to anger her or become the subject of the complaining. Now her form of dementia means that most of what she says makes no sense, which makes conversation impossible. Before Covid, I visited once every few weeks to make sure she was ok and see if she needed anything I could bring. If she was receptive to me visiting I would stay for a while. Now we have a FaceTime call scheduled for once a week. (Window visits are allowed but she refuses to do those.) Often she refuses to do the FaceTime visits as well, but I can see her and check in with her caregivers if she does. Honestly I prefer that, because it is very difficult to hold a conversation with someone who doesn’t seem to understand what I am saying and speaks in word salad. You are doing just fine.
It is totally ridiculous to expect someone who is abused emotionally or physically to take care of their abuser.
That expectation in itself is abusive. Thus, the abused adult child is twice abused. Once by the parent and then again by society.
No one would expect a wife to stay with an abusive husband, and take care of him.
No one would expect a POW to take care of his abusive prison guards in their old age.
I had to draw on support from people outside of my family to get by when growing up and for support as a young adult and it is those people who are more important to me and who i will go to much greater lengths for.
You sound smart, strong and practical. You won’t find any resolution to your past by visiting her. I can only share what works for me, but like I said, I feel at peace and I am doing much better than when I first had to step in and manage her care. I did go to counseling and it was very helpful.
That is quite interesting, I've never heard of this before. I wish I'd read this much earlier, a friend of mine had similar issues with a step-parent in LTC who also abused her and could never bear to think of him as father... she always referred to him by his first name instead, even though she said that bothered her, too. 'Client' implies a connection but not personal.
Unfortunately, you can not build a better relationship with your parent. However, you can learn to forgive him/her so that there is less tension for you when you visit. Consider seeing a counsellor or spiritual advisor from your faith to learn how to let go of the past. You may then find some more empathy/sympathy for your parent.
I've always had a poor/dysfunctional relationship with my mother; including emotional enmeshment, abuse, parentifying, etc. Even before she was placed in assisted living memory care, she was demonstrating severe paranoia, abusive conduct and irrational behavior. I learned to practice grey rock and low contact. Both these techniques helped me achieve some emotional distance, which in turn really helped me cope and get on with life.
Hope this helps.
I go to see my mother in her MC as I can handle it. She doesn’t enjoy my visits, and I end up angry and frustrated.
I visit enough to keep an eye on things. I also keep in frequent contact with my mother’s caregivers there.