I am 29 years old, full time caregiver for my father since I work from home. He is 75 years old with numerous chronic health issues, he's been sick for many years and it has progressively gotten worse. He is still able to go to the bathroom by himself and shower, but its difficult for him. I make his meals every day, do all the daily tasks, clean, etc. He can walk a short distance but then has to sit down.
I haven't gone out on a date in over 7 months, nor have I really hung out with my friends because he is so worried about the virus. My social life has basically completely stopped. I don't even go out shopping for myself. I am at home 24/7 with him. I finally met someone I may be interested in, so I scheduled a date this week to meet him. When I told my dad this, he freaked out and said I was going to bring home the virus, how he's so worried about me going out at night (he's always been an over-protective parent but the older he gets, the worse this gets even though I am 29 years old).
He said its a bad idea and something horrible could happen to me. He says I shouldn't leave him alone with my cat because he's worried about my cat, too (my cat has his own room and stays in there if I leave the house so he shouldn't worry about this either). He keeps saying I'm probably going to have a drink on the date and something bad will happen if I drive (I'm responsible and don't drink & drive).
We spent a whole two hours today going back and forth about this. I am now filled with guilt and worried about leaving him alone for my date. I know intellectually I shouldn't feel this way. I deserve to have one night out after 7 months of nothing. It almost brought me to tears because I am so frustrated and angry that he's making me feel so bad about something so normal. Its like I can't have my own life.
He said "Fine, I should just go into a nursing home." Just because I want to go out on one date! Its like he's threatening me with moving into a nursing home because he knows that will fill me with even more guilt. It seems he loves feeling sorry for himself and I'm tired of it. He doesn't like when I leave the house at all for anything. He thinks something bad is always going to happen to me even if I leave the house for 30 minutes.
Now I probably won't even enjoy myself on the date. I'll be too worried about him having a heart attack from worrying so much, my head won't be in the game. So ridiculous!
I appreciate any advice, and whether or not you think I should feel guilty for going. If you think I should cancel the date or just go.
IF he's not safe alone, then get a "babysitter". He won't like it, but he can't have it both ways.
Funny to threaten you with going into a nursing home. I would call his little bluff. "You know dad, that might not be a bad idea. There are some really nice ones around here. Do you have one in mind?" etc etc. If he needs a lot of care and is needy and controlling, it might not be a bad idea.
You should consider some regular assistance so you can get out of the house on a regular basis. You are too young to be stuck home with him all the time.
You need to live your life too.
Before my mother came down with dementia, she'd call me from across the country asking if my doors were locked? Before she got on a plane to fly back to Florida after my wedding, all she wanted to know was if my windows were locked b/c someone could sneak in and kill me if they weren't. I've lived with the paranoia for 60 years and it's no joke, I can vouch for that. But I moved out of the insanity when I was old enough to do so. I suggest you figure a way OUT of this madness before your entire life is ruined by a man who's trying to instill fear in you 24/7.
No, you should not feel even slightly guilty about going out on a date. The bigger question is this: what are you going to do if you like this guy? Then what? How are you going to disentangle yourself from the emotional manipulation games your father is playing with you so you can go on MORE dates and have a life outside the house? That is something to figure out now because life is passing you by.
Dad can hire in-home caregivers if he's in need of 24/7 help. He can move into Assisted Living. He can do a variety of things instead of what he is doing. Keep that in mind as you move forward: you are doing nothing wrong. HE is.
Have fun tonight
I was once asked to go check on a relative's laundry, as it might be getting mouldy!
My brain can't deal with other's paranoid or anxious thoughts 🤪
And...Go out with your friends. They will be in your corner and support you.
Go shopping. Run out for lunch or coffee. Go have drinks. Have a great meal (you deserve it!)
Think about whether you want to continue to live this cloistered life. I would suggest reading the book 'Boundaries'.
Your dad may not be able to see how unhealthy your relationship has become. He shouldn't be holding you hostage to his fears, and it doesn't seem like he's thinking logically. He's guarding you like a resource, not as his loving daughter. There are options out there to help meet your father's increasing needs. While you can be part of his support, should you choose, you can't meet all his needs by yourself. And at some point 'help' will involve his interaction with other vaccinated people.
Dad is ruining your life and you let him.
What about your 40s? 50s?
Some people like living with a parent, don't want to partner, have children, travel. It's enough for them... 🤔
What's YOUR big picture plans?
Discussing the individual items on his agenda is a waste of time. This has got nothing to do with the cat or Covid or "Uncle Tom Cobley an' all" - this is about your father's clinging to you as if he were a drowning man and you a lifebelt. Get him to dry land before you both go under.
*Not necessarily a nursing home. Any supported living environment where he has access to the help and services he needs.
Or if your father is lucid (and I am not sure he is) ask him if he really wants you to be trapped in this home with him for the next 10 years caring for him rather than living your life. Throw a little guilt right back at him.
You need to remember you are an adult child. You have a right to ur life. Dad needs u more than u need him so any help you give him is on your terms. And I agree, call his bluff when he says "well I'll just go into a home" Anytime he tries to manipulate u, call his bluff.
My now 3 things to keep in mind which I wish I had known years ago.
1. Guilt is self-imposed
2. NO is a complete sentence
3. Your are not responsible for the person's reaction to ur NO.
Inform him you have to spend time on yourself and if that is not agreeable find some place else to live.
Sounds like a very manipulative man and only being strong but respectful works on those types. I speak from a lot of experience.
Do not cancel the date: go. Do not feel guilty for going nor should you spend another moment engaging in arguments over it.
I can see how much you care and how much this is stressing you out; therefore I can't imagine that you haven't already and are planning on taking the necessary precautions to head on out. Perhaps have a meal and snacks at the ready, something to entertain him, ensure the cat is put away and can't be used as an excuse to call you back. Before you leave I would lay down firm boundaries, in writing even, and then head out the door and stick to them.
For example - I have told my parents that unless it is an emergency, I will call within a specific timeframe. If you start blowing up my phone - I will send you straight to voicemail. Granted, I can read the text to see if it's truly an emergency or my father is just blowing smoke. The more you call me, the more I will be delayed.
You deserve to go out and have a break after working for this long.
Your dad’s concerns about the Covid are valid. If both you and your dad are vaccinated, your date and/or friends are vaccinated, and you wear a mask per guidelines, you have taken the necessary steps to ensure his (and yours) safety. Have fun!
But I am concerned that you at the age of 29 are not working and earning money to support yourself in your retirement. How is it that you gave up working and having a career? Are you looking to inherit from him or something? He should be in assisted living and you should be getting on with your life in my opinion even though you didn’t ask for that. But would love to know how you anchored yourself to this existence.
But I am concerned that you at the age of 29 are not working and earning money to support yourself in your retirement. How is it that you gave up working and having a career? Are you looking to inherit from him or something? He should be in assisted living and you should be getting on with your life in my opinion even though you didn’t ask for that. But would love to know how you anchored yourself to this existence.
there is nothing in your profile about your dad.
Tell him you’re going to the movies because you need a break.
You’re an adult and have the right to time alone.
You don’t need his approval or permission.
The first thing you should do is read a very good post and responses. The post was started by a longtime member/poster/responder Midkid58.
She posted the awesome question "What word can we use instead of "guilty"
The responses are nothing short of amazing, enlightening encouraging. Please take the time to read it.
Now for your dad.
If he is able to do all that you have said I think he would do well in Assisted Living if that is a possibility.,
If this is dad's house you could consider looking for a place of your own. Give dad a few days a week where you will come and do things for him that he CAN NOT do. Do not do things that he can do.
You are far to young to be caring for your dad full time and ignoring your own social, emotional needs.
YOU have done nothing to feel guilty about.
I remember when I did travel nursing and after my dad died, I'd stay at mom's in between assignments, sometimes over holidays, and one time in particular when I was about to go on a new assignment in January, Mom started acting out very, what's the word, carefully planned out ..... she didn't feel well, she couldn't breathe right ... and so on. I canceled that assignment, got her to dr. appts. etc. Would you believe, nothing was wrong! It was anxiety, and she knew how to turn it on and push buttons. Finally I got wise and went on another job, even though she turned on the tears. (I'm not heartless, just know that as I look back she was always manipulative growing up.... only now, I can see it, understand it, and see how I did my own things (guilting ) with my children growing up.
I would suggest that it might be time to include more people in caring for your father. Ask family members, friends, members of faith community, and even paid help. The first goal should be to have enough help that your essential needs are met: eating 3 meals at a reasonable pace, sleeping 7-9 hours every night, enough time to attend to your health and hygiene needs... The next goal is to have enough help to meet your needs for interactions with others and fun - you need some time daily and extended time weekly (probably several times a week).
As for you father, it seems he has developed anxiety. Please talk to his usual doctor or make an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist to evaluate and treat. Your father feels like you are his only hope of surviving; he needs more interaction with others so he doesn't stay so fixated on you.
That being said, my mom didn’t have dementia at that point, she was just manipulative. Still, you can decide not to feel guilty and then don’t. Good luck!
Its not really parental thinking, more of a little kid and their parent is leaving.
Maybe someone can come by while you’re out, you probably should go out more often if he’s anxious
It won’t be fun to start over when your life leaves without you, he’s gone and you’ve kept nothing of your own in motion.