Elderly father making me feel immense guilt for going out on a date. Any advice?

If you cannot afford to pay for caregivers, or pay the going rate,
* try to find college students who either need a 'little money' and they can read / do their homework perhaps while being there with your dad just in case he needs something; or
* contact college dept in geriatrics, social work, physical therapy - the helping professionals.
* if your place could accommodate someone to live there, get a live-in for partial care in exchange for partial rent.
* Contact churches / community organizations
* Volunteers are good although DO the necessary due diligence and check references, etc. Some people need this experience to get into a field.
* If you have access to social worker with the County, ask them for suggestions.
* I'm REALLY glad you went out on a date.
You 'will enjoy' yourself on a date IF YOU WANT TO. You need to change your thinking. Every time you automatically respond (in your head or out loud), REFRAME the thought/words. i.e., when you say "now I probably won't even enjoy myself on the date . . . " immediately change that to "I will enjoy myself on dates and meet new people."
- you are believing your negative inner messaging. It is understandable. We are a product (I said project, well, I'm a project too) of our environment and it is difficult to change 'who we think' we are esp when it is ingrained in us for decades.
- Take a step at a time.
- Being aware of how you are thinking is a major first step.
- Realizing you can change the interactions and relationship with your dad is huge - - - take a date or step at a time.
Gena / Touch Matters

Great you went on the date and another coming up. How nice. I think your dad was just afraid. Maybe someone can sit with him while you take some time off and go on the second date. I think you did quite well considering it has been 7 months since you dated.
Happy your dad and you cleared the air so to speak. Things should be looking better as you move forward. The very best to you and your dear dad.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I went on the date, it went well. I may see him again this week, but I realized the guilt is also self-imposed. There have been a few times in the last 10 years where my dad has collapsed and couldn't get back up, due to a blood infection and another time was due to a medication mix up induced stroke. If I wasn't there to hear him fall those nights, he likely wouldn't have made it. So I do worry about that happening again, if I'm not at home when it does.

Since the date, he does seem remorseful because I told him how bad he made me feel about it (after he realized I didn't die on the date) he said sorry and said he isn't trying to keep me at home forever, he just worries about me. I am working on the guilt I feel. Naturally I am introverted and a homebody so I wouldn't go out all the time even if I lived alone.

Trying to put myself out there more has been a challenge for me since I haven't done so in 7 months. Growing up with a paranoid parent, I guess I've taken on some of that paranoia about the world too, that's why I can't seem to relax. Anyway, thanks again everyone for your supporting words and great advice. Money is tight so hiring help isn't really in the cards but I am looking into programs that may be free or state run. I also agree that he needs friends, he's in pain 24/7 so he doesn't seem to want to mingle with anyone outside the home.

I saw this post when it had 19 responses, yesterday, and have no doubt it will reach 100. But yes, 1. go on this date; then, for the next one 2. arrange contingency for medical emergencies such as life-alert, or a live person to cover: 3. arrange some more regular respite for yourself, preferably 2 full days per 2 week period, with a qualified caregiver, Agency or private. 7 days a week will wear you down, only your relative youth is keeping you going; 4. no more 2 hour discussions.

Tired worn out caregivers make mistakes, so your respite is for your father's benefit as well as yours.

I used to feel guilty when I left the house when my mom first came to live with me. Over time, the guilty feeling has gotten less. My mom loves feeling sorry for herself also and pulled the "I should go into a nursing home" card. Finally one day I printed out a list of local nursing homes and said, "ok, well pick one out and we'll get that set up." I haven't heard her say it once since then.

Yes. Please go on your date.
No. You should not feel guilty.
What is really going on here? I think likely your dad feels very vulnerable and is trying to hold on to you as his total caregiver with both hands around your throat because he’s scared.
Is he selfish? Unless he has a history of being a bad dad, try reassuring him you love him, will be careful and will be home by x hour. Maybe let him meet the date? If he continues with his unreasonable demands, tell him you don’t want him to go to a nursing home but if he feels that’s what he needs to do to feel safe, you will support this decision. Kiss him good bye, tell him you love him and go on your date. Some lines need to be drawn. The more you give, the more he may expect. Right now his expectations are unreasonable. Don’t let him steal your life. You don’t owe him any of it and certainly not all of it.
Enjoy your date!

If he has a heart attack from it, then you will never be put in this position again. I'm burnt out to the max. Enjoy yourself and do not allow anyone else to control your life in any way.

You have to hold on to whatever life without him you may have. Hire a caretaker for the night. I call them mommy sitters for my mom. It can be a little expensive but what is your life really worth? We can't let our parents rob us of our sanity. You are doing nothing wrong. They built their lives while taking care of us. Someday they will be gone and we need to have something normal in our lives to return to. You are far too young to loose your life outside of your dad. How far did he go to take care of his parents? Tell him you need some normal companionship and assure him you will take all precautions to ensure the safety of your's and his health. Just don't give in to the guilt for wanting to have a normal life is nothing to feel guilty for.

Summer; How was the date? Did you have fun? 😁

Hello, Bren,
You are 53 and that is is not old. It is never too late to meet and fall in love with someone special. I am glad you still have your friends. I lost a very dear friend 15 years ago who died of cancer that I have known since my teenage years. She was the only one that visited when I started taking care of my mother and continued until her death. Treasure those special friends of yours. Hope your dad is doing well. Sending a prayer to him.

U need to continue your interaction with other people.

Your situation touched my heart deeply. My Dad is about to turn 87 and has been in a nursing home for about 1 1/2 years, but he lived with me off and on all of my adult life and for 13 years straight prior to being placed in a nursing home. As you, I had absolutely no social life either. I not only couldn't date (I've been divorced for over 20+ years), but I couldn't even invite friends over because my Dad hated anyone coming over and would say the rudest things, make everyone super uncomfortable and embarrass me to the point I stopped inviting anyone over. He did the same with my daughter's friends when she was younger and he lived with us then too. The last 15 years, my life has completely revolved around him and I take blame for it too because I allowed him to run my life and make me feel guilty for even wanting to do things for myself. I became so depressed, I had some really dark thoughts because I didn't want to go on, I didn't know how long I could continue. I even have a sibling who also made me feel guilty and mocked me for "wanting my freedom" as he did absolutely nothing for our Dad. I love my Dad with all my heart but our parents will make us feel so bad, so guilty. I am now 53 and luckily my friends are still here for me, but I highly doubt I'll find someone to date or share my life with at this point. You are ALLOWED to have a life of your own! You are ALLOWED to be happy! You are ALLOWED to take care of yourself too! In my situation, my Dad never had to care for his parents. He never remarried after he and my mom divorced and expected me to just be alone too - and do everything for him. I wish I would have put my foot down from the very beginning and said "This is what I'm going to do with my life, for myself, it does not diminish my love and care for you. I will never abandon you. If you are not happy with me having friends over or dating, you don't have to live with me." Please stop thinking you are doing something wrong. Please make your life what you want it to be. You could very well end up in my situation, 15 years later regretting not living your life. I wish you peace of mind, and love to fill your life. You are obviously a wonderful person and you deserve to be happy. You cannot care for anyone until you care for yourself first. Life is too short, and the years fly by so quickly. You matter too!

I think you should go - also from what you have said I suspect your father could do far more for himself if you weren't there to "look after him". He has developed a reliance and an expectation of you being there which doesn't sound healthy for you nor for a man who is only 75. Try taking an afternoon/morning out same time each week and getting a break, and see what happens, he'll complain but listen carefully, he sounds as if he is using your constant presence as an excuse to say he has a need for you to be there all the time, and guilt tripping you into going along with what he says. You know he says things that are "worries", you can help him most by showing these concerns to be false and gaining some more independence for you both.

There have been 58 answers and OP has not returned at all. Perhaps we should stop until she does?

You should call him about 2 hours into the date and tell him you're eloping.

Honestly, he should be in a NH. You're too young to throw your life away, otherwise you'll be left with nothing when he inevitably dies.

Obviously, go on the date and do not provide any details to your father. In the future, maybe hold back on the information. Just announce, "I'm going out for a while" and go.

Are you vaccinated? If yes and if the date is vaccinated, you'll be fine and you can take whatever precautions you feel necessary for your particular situation.

Honestly, I don't think your father is worried about you as much as he is worried about himself. He is worried that 'something is going to happen to you' and that means that his life will be upended.

And yes, it is time for him to stop being selfish, allow you to have your life, and move into a nursing home, or Assisted Living if that is an option. Then you can VISIT him on a weekly basis, have your life, and start regaining some normalcy.

Other people can't tell you how to feel (guilty or not), and frankly, other people can't make you feel guilty. You decide that for yourself.

You may consider finding a therapist who you can work with to help you help your father make a transition to having his own life so that you can go back to living your life. You've done an amazing job, so far, and you've been selfless and generous. Your father is going to decline, it will get harder and his needs will increase. Now is the time to get help before he gets needier.

Good luck!

Covid is a legitimate concern; I assume you and your dad are vaccinated. A neighbor who’s been really careful for 18 mo just got Covid from her husband, who got it from work; both vaccinated and doing okay. Another neighbor said their 39 yo anti-vax nephew died from Covid. Now that under 12 yo kids are back in school, I’m not going to be able to visit family. In another words, it sucks.

So if there’s going to be a relationship, you might as well address Covid head on. Is the date vaccinated? How is the date handling work & play? Could the date be outside - picnic, outdoor restaurant, hike or walk on the beach? What portion of the date could include a mask? If you have a plan in place, dad doesn’t have a reason to worry and you can enjoy your date.

SummerRaya: Imho, you should go on this one date. Your father is letting this manifest into something much larger and it's out of proportion. Perhaps it's time for facility living for him.

Summer,

How was the date?

Just one more quick thought. You work from home. Is it computer work? Something you could do at least in part away from home? If so, you could sit at McDonalds or Starbucks and have some time away from the house. Start getting your dad used to your not always being there.

Hope you went on the date!! Let us all know how it goes ! We care about you!!

Do not cancel your date. And, do not tell him about the date. He is paranoid and cannot handle any news about your personal life.

Whenever, I left my mom to go workout, I told her that I was going to "physical therapy." It was not a lie! And, it made her less paranoid.

Sometimes with the elderly, you have to use "therapeutic lying" to help them to cope.

Go on your date, and try not to feel guilty.

Absolutely do NOT cancel your date.

You need to start separating yourself from your father in order to begin making a life for yourself. I KNOW this is hard. But I also know about guilt. And I am much older than you and can look back and see how life has led up to this point.

I am 67 and started staying at home with my 96 y.o. mom the beginning of last year. My husband passed away over 20 years ago; it has probably been at least 10 years since I have dated. Much of it because too many hours with work / long hours. But then also, my mom always had this "look" when I'd bring someone home and to meet her, like "not good enough". It was a look that made me dread "the next time". And eventually I stopped going out.

But, over the last couple of months, I am starting (baby steps !) to be "me" again, motivated, writing and printing out a diet plan and sticking to it, cutting out all wine/alcohol (while I diet :) ), and getting up and cooking 3 meals a day for us, doing other odds and ends around the house, AND seriously looking for work.

I haven't done that for awhile as I reasoned that I would only come out about $10/hr pay after spending $$ for full-time caregiver, which is expensive for 40 hrs/wk. And I am so experienced with her medical emergencies and can manage well with being at home 24/7. BUT, my mom may live another 10 years; your dad maybe way longer than that (think about that! ) and I am really beginning to need to be out and around other people (eventually dating here and there again). I still worry about the caregiver thing, but I WILL work it out, and eventually, Mom will enjoy someone else being here. We will wind up having new things to talk about when we do have time together. And it will be good for her to "depend" on others. Because, there is always that chance that something could happen to me first .... she would be devastated.

And as far as the COVID thing, yeah I worried a lot about that but it has been so long now, that I am tired of worrying. There will ALWAYS be something. I am motivated now.... and that is what you MUST work on for yourself. YOU are important and need that.

You are young, very young. You have an entire life ahead of you which should be made full with your needs and dreams. Go on your date. Laugh, go out the door and "let go" the moment you close the door.

And then, SOON, make a plan to take a day, or even the majority of a day, to yourself, get out of the house. Go somewhere nice and quiet and enjoyable, maybe a park. And bring a small notebook and pen with you. Start making a plan. Make a list of things you'd like to do, start small. Have one list of small things, and maybe a list of big things you'd like to accomplish with your life over the next year or couple of years. When you think of things, write it down, put it in the appropriate list. We can't always think of things clearly or in order, but if you can get it written down, then you can add to it any time you think of something.

Once you get started, start a written plan of ways to accomplish. Maybe start with a small notebook you can keep with you throughout the day. And on that list include small things, like take a walk each day, bring your phone/camera and take a picture of a few things that you "love", a pretty flower or tree, someone's pet, maybe a unique house or window or door, things that you can look back and remember what it felt like getting outside and away.

Find time each day to do something enjoyable, non-caregiver related. In your backyard, or in your room with the door closed, headphones and listen to music maybe just 15 or 20 minutes.

Maybe you'd like to take a class somewhere, learn something new you enjoy and can interact with others with a similar interest, maybe a college course.

Along the way, consider preparing yourself and your father for an eventual break of your not living together and being his constant companion and caregiver. Take care and good luck!

Wow, your situation sounds very much like mine. I am 57 y/o and recently went on disability for spinal problems. My father is 82 with dementia. I have been divorced for a long long time. My father has always had problems with me wanting to date ever since I have been divorced 20 some years ago. My dad has always been a difficult person. He has always been selfish and self-centered. I moved into his house last December to be a companion for him. His dementia is progressing quickly. He still complains whenever I talk about having a date. I am 57 y/o old and have been divorced for over 20 years!!! He is scared, lost and afraid I am going to leave and run off with someone. His feelings should not dictate my actions. Boundaries sister. You and I need to get better boundaries. You should not feel guilty. You are a young woman who needs to get out and socialize. Do what you need to do for you!! Go on your date and don't argue with him. Dont let his fears, etc. make you feel bad. You are not doing anything wrong!! You are an exceptional daughter. Many daughters would not do half of what you are doing for your father. You should feel proud of yourself. Please put yourself first sometimes, regularly, please. I am telling you from my experience so you won't waste as much time as I have feeling bad because of what your dad says. Boundaries!! Look it up and read about them. Have a super time on your date and focus on what you need. Your father does not own you. He should be grateful and want you to get out and have some fun. Peace my sister, Jackie

It sounds like it's time for him to go into either go into a care facility or hire 24 hour in-home care. He shouldn't make you feel guilty for going out on a date but he's doing that because he wants you to be his nurse waiting on him constantly. He sounds narcissistic to make you feel like you should be there with him all the time and you shouldn't feel bad about wanting to have your own life. I think it's terrible that he's making you feel obligated into taking care of him to the point you're there solely with him. I'm so sorry. It sounds like he's suffering and needs more care than you can give him.

Time to discharge the patient, unless the benefits override the present situation. I know of many parents who mistakingly believe their offspring faith is tied to theirs for life.

He needs to go to assisted living or a nursing home. It sounds like he has nothing to do but sit and think up horrible scenarios, he needs more people to think about. What he is putting you through is emotional abuse. Your father could live another 20 years. Is this how you want to spend your best years, catering to a selfish old man who doesn't love you enough to let you be happy?

If you aren't working, get a job, start on the road to independence. All baby birds leave the nest, you need to leave too, it is time. He is not thinking about your happiness at all, is he? Don't let this selfish old man have that power over you. If you don't know what to say when he starts, just say, "I am so sorry you feel that way." Notice I said "." period. No arguing, no explaining, just over and over say the same thing. If he keeps it up, go for a walk. If you need some professional help, get it. If you don't know where to get it, let the people on this forum help you.

* Don't tell your dad.
* Realize that he cannot 'make you' feel guilty. You feel this way and you are the only person who can change how you feel.
* You are too young - at 29 - or even 39 or 49 - to be a FULL TIME care giver. Insist on your dad to make other arrangements where you are responsible for part of the time caregiving.
* If you do not change your life now - to have a life - and a quality life - it will be harder as time goes on. You will continue to psychologically and emotionally 'adjust' to a very unhealthy way of 'believing' and 'feeling'.
* You first need to REALIZE that you deserve a better life than what you currently have. This won't be easy however, it is essential.
* Tough Love is needed here. For both of you. Love yourself and do what you need to do. Love your dad with boundaries on you/r time and care.
Gena / Touch Matters

Have a Great Time on Your Date!! That about says it all !! :-)

I think he is cruel and selfish and doesn't give a d*** about you so why should you care about him? He wants full attention and care and wants to control you - he will get worse and worse and life will become hell for you. I think it is wonderful you went out and hope you will start doing this more. He lived his life and now it is your turn. Seek some respite help but GO ON THOSE DATES AND LIVE WHILE YOU CAN. If he doesn't like it, then tell him he will be placed - and be prepared to do it. These older people (and I will be 88 but 99.9% self sufficient and independent even though I can't walk) make me sick with their behaviors.

Go on your date!
The next time he says "Fine, I should go into a nursing home" make an appointment at the place of your choice and take him for a visit.
He is being totally selfish. He can't make you feel guilty unless you let him do it. It is very important how you react to his threats. He is the one who should be feeling guilty not YOU.
It is time for you to have a life. You are much too young to be locked in with your dad. He could out live you if you continue to let him stress you.
STOP LETTING HIM CONTROL YOU! Do not let him trap you into having no life.
You are in control, only you can make a difference. You sound like a wonderful daughter but its time for action, not guilt!