Elderly father making me feel immense guilt for going out on a date. Any advice?

If your father is safe at home by himself,,you should be able to come and go as needed. In normal circumstances, there might not be much problem in your going on a date.

The danger of the virus might be a bigger problem. You need to keep your exposure to any people outside the house at an absolute minimum, esp right now while Delta COVID and the newer Mu variant are increasingly contagious and increasingly vaccine resistant.

If the young man you are eager to meet is someone of character, he will be willing to delay an in-person date until conditions are safer. If he issues some sort of "meet me now or never" ultimatum, then you do not want to pursue that relationship anyway.

So many helpful responses in this thread! I hope you will read them and think about them.
Here are my thoughts: You might want to consider assembling a team to help you make the best choices in this situation for YOU. Not your dad; YOU. He's lived his life, and now wants to live through you. No.
Find a good therapist who understands the challenges of geriatric care-giving; pour your heart out to this person. You will get unbiased help.
I hope you will seriously consider a nursing home for your father. It's only a matter of time before he experiences a critical event in his health. Better it happens with trained help nearby.
Good luck.

All the advice here is good, including the reminders that Covid hasn't gone away (of course you should make sure your date is vaccinated and tested before taking things further, but it's only a first date do presumably you won't be getting too close just yet). You deserve a life of your own.
Like you, I was working from home but found it impossible to keep up with work because of my mother's constant interruptions. She is healthy and has friends, but is just very needy and a drama queen. She is quite cross at the minute because I have just got myself a full-time job outside the house. I told her I needed to make myself financially secure. Happy to help her but I need a life too.

Dearest SummerRaya:

I too am a full time care giver of a senior parent and disabled sister. I took on this task after I retired from my last job after 31 years and moved them into my home even though they were okay in their own home. In their home they cooked, sometimes and took care of themselves even though I went by two or three times a week to prepare meals, do the banking, go grocery shopping etc. After moving them into my home which I believed was a major convenience my life have become a 24 hour call to service. They are capable of doing things for themselves but they do nothing. They sit at the table three times a day for meals and return to their rooms. I limit my time around other people because of my mom's age and the covid issue but I have to go out, I go to the store, I go to the bank, I meet with contractors and I take them to all their doctor's appointments. I've been wearing a mask everywhere go for over a year and it's not uncomfortable for me.

With all this being said I refuse to become a prisoner in my own home. A social worker suggested boundaries but the more I try to remove myself the more complaints they have ultimately trying to make me feel guilty for having a life. Even If I have a friend stop by practicing social distancing my sister who has controlled seizure disorder will fall on the floor or fall out of a chair. My mom will say she's feeling "icky" and I need to stop what I'm doing to make her tea. My mom is 98 and still very capable of getting around. My sisters seizures only happen when she has an audience. Hmmmmmmmmmm... If I feel like going out I am going to go out...I might meet my girlfriend at a outdoor venue for lunch or a glass of wine. I look in on them when I am out and I call to check on them. Ironically they won't answer the phone so I used to race back home to see if something was wrong. ........ I retired in 2017 I moved them into my home in late 2020 and I now work 7 days a week from 7 in the morning until 9 at night. Boundaries. I need to set them....I need to take time for me, and I am not going to feel guilty about it......

It is not healthy to not be able to vent, to breath, to laugh and to have a happy social life at your age if it's safe and you are practicing healthy protocols even in your dating. Enjoy your life...take a day or a few hours for you every once in a while and do it the safe and healthy way so that you do not become the victim or your own self inflicting or created anxiety. Don't feel guilty for wanting to be a person. Peace love and prayers for you and your dad..

It’s time to live your life. Going to the nursing home is his own choice. (Maybe he already knows that he will eventually need nursing home placement). His care needs are only going to increase until you cannot safely care for him yourself. He might be eligible for home care depending on his insurance and diagnosis. Don’t let him guilt trip you. He got to live his life, it’s time to live yours. Neither you or your father should let COVID fears take control over your lives. Vaccination against COVID-19 is a personal choice and only you and your father can decide what is right for yourselves. I’m only suggesting it as a solution to your father’s virus fear. From my personal observation, the severity of illness was drastically reduced in vaccinated people who did contact the delta variant of COVID.

My sisters tried to do a similar thing to me. I had moved into my mom's house to help her remain independent for as long as possible while her dementia progressed. Sisters promised that they would be there to help. Help never materialized but that's another story. What happened is they actively made things harder for me. Mom would "start dinner" before I made it home from work some nights. Dinner meant taking everything out of the freezer, fridge and cabinets and combining it all in huge pots of the stove. I begged my sisters to please stop in on the way home from work (two of them drove past her house 2x a day on their regular routes) but they refused to do so. A very nice man, who later became my boyfriend, offered to stop in because he got off work an hour earlier than me. My mother loved the company and he was so good at distracting her until I got home. When I told my sisters that I had solved the problem, I expected them to be relieved and grateful. Instead, I got their anger and suspicion. Was he using the bathroom at mom's house? Water is expensive you know. Was he eating mom's food? Food costs money, you know. When I explained again that before his help mom was ruining a week's worth of groceries with her "cooking", and he was in fact, saving mom a lot of money by being there. And, yes, he did use the bathroom to wash his hands after arriving from work because he took the bus. The sisters insisted that mom wouldn't want me "entertaining" men in HER house. They wanted to enforce the rules we had as teenagers growing up. I was 50 at the time. The whole thing was bizarre. Now looking back I realize it was just them trying to control me and keep me isolated with mom with zero support. They didn't want a witness outside the family to their abuse and neglect. I'm glad I didn't give into their demands in spite of the smear campaign they started behind my back that I was using mom's house to date. Please! They refused to give me anytime off. If they didn't want me bringing my friends over because it offended their morality, then they should have agreed to babysit mom so I could go out like a normal person. You've got to live your own life as much as possible otherwise your role of caregiver will make your world smaller and smaller. You also need to learn to set better internal boundaries. Your dad's fear is his fear, not yours. There are lots of YouTube videos on setting boundaries. You have a kind heart and need to equally apply the kindness to yourself as well as your dad's care.

Go out and enjoy yourself.

Tell your Father that you will be going out once a week and if that's a problem for him then you'll be happy to take him to tour some Senior Homes if that's what he wants.

Do not put your life on hold for your parents. Do not fight about it, you must have boundaries no matter how difficult it is. Next time he uses ‘I may as well go into a nursing home’ reply ‘ok shall we look at one together’.

these elderly people are very unfair on us adult children, if I were you I would look for some paid care so you can at least meet your friends. If you don’t start putting your foot down with your dad you are not going to have any sort of life. Your dad is guilt tripping you into being there for him24/7, that is not how a loving parent should treat their adult children.

Hello Summer,
Go out on that special date and have fun. Meeting time with your dad to set things straight. Insist on having time to yourself. Your dad is fortunate that you are helping him but he needs to let you live your life. Covid could be around for a long time. You can't put yourself in a bubble. Take precautions as CDC advices.

He's manipulating and gaslighting you. Are you vaccinated? Is your dad? Is your date? If you all are, and you have an outdoors date (and depending about the state of the virus in your community) this should not be a health risk.

You are an adult, and if this is a "safe" date virus-wise, just explain that to him, and go.

I say go.......... Have a good time, don't feel guilty.... Just make sure your date knows you want to keep it safe with mask and distancing until you get to know them better.
That is why they have respite care so that caregivers and caretakers can have a break.
Caretaking can be exhausting and draining..... the demands of the person you are caring for.... the rudeness and condescending remarks sometimes.
Sometimes they play on your kindness just to feel superior in the fact that you won't have time for anything or anyone else.
You can check into respite care or another caretaker to care for him when you need to take a break, that way you know he is ok, they have your phone number and can call you instantly if something comes up or an emergency.
You are young you deserve to find happiness!
Go have a little fun and don't feel guilty....

A nursing home sounds like a good idea. Why are you staying home taking care of him at your age. If you have no job skills, this is the time to get some. Take some classes or get a degree.
Don’t let your miserable father destroy your life. My mother lived by herself until she died at 84 and she had several medical problems. Your father should be doing a lot more for himself.
Do whatever you want. Too many parents guilt their children.

Go on your date!
The next time he says "Fine, I should go into a nursing home" make an appointment at the place of your choice and take him for a visit.
He is being totally selfish. He can't make you feel guilty unless you let him do it. It is very important how you react to his threats. He is the one who should be feeling guilty not YOU.
It is time for you to have a life. You are much too young to be locked in with your dad. He could out live you if you continue to let him stress you.
STOP LETTING HIM CONTROL YOU! Do not let him trap you into having no life.
You are in control, only you can make a difference. You sound like a wonderful daughter but its time for action, not guilt!

I think he is cruel and selfish and doesn't give a d*** about you so why should you care about him? He wants full attention and care and wants to control you - he will get worse and worse and life will become hell for you. I think it is wonderful you went out and hope you will start doing this more. He lived his life and now it is your turn. Seek some respite help but GO ON THOSE DATES AND LIVE WHILE YOU CAN. If he doesn't like it, then tell him he will be placed - and be prepared to do it. These older people (and I will be 88 but 99.9% self sufficient and independent even though I can't walk) make me sick with their behaviors.

Have a Great Time on Your Date!! That about says it all !! :-)

* Don't tell your dad.
* Realize that he cannot 'make you' feel guilty. You feel this way and you are the only person who can change how you feel.
* You are too young - at 29 - or even 39 or 49 - to be a FULL TIME care giver. Insist on your dad to make other arrangements where you are responsible for part of the time caregiving.
* If you do not change your life now - to have a life - and a quality life - it will be harder as time goes on. You will continue to psychologically and emotionally 'adjust' to a very unhealthy way of 'believing' and 'feeling'.
* You first need to REALIZE that you deserve a better life than what you currently have. This won't be easy however, it is essential.
* Tough Love is needed here. For both of you. Love yourself and do what you need to do. Love your dad with boundaries on you/r time and care.
Gena / Touch Matters

He needs to go to assisted living or a nursing home. It sounds like he has nothing to do but sit and think up horrible scenarios, he needs more people to think about. What he is putting you through is emotional abuse. Your father could live another 20 years. Is this how you want to spend your best years, catering to a selfish old man who doesn't love you enough to let you be happy?

If you aren't working, get a job, start on the road to independence. All baby birds leave the nest, you need to leave too, it is time. He is not thinking about your happiness at all, is he? Don't let this selfish old man have that power over you. If you don't know what to say when he starts, just say, "I am so sorry you feel that way." Notice I said "." period. No arguing, no explaining, just over and over say the same thing. If he keeps it up, go for a walk. If you need some professional help, get it. If you don't know where to get it, let the people on this forum help you.

Time to discharge the patient, unless the benefits override the present situation. I know of many parents who mistakingly believe their offspring faith is tied to theirs for life.

It sounds like it's time for him to go into either go into a care facility or hire 24 hour in-home care. He shouldn't make you feel guilty for going out on a date but he's doing that because he wants you to be his nurse waiting on him constantly. He sounds narcissistic to make you feel like you should be there with him all the time and you shouldn't feel bad about wanting to have your own life. I think it's terrible that he's making you feel obligated into taking care of him to the point you're there solely with him. I'm so sorry. It sounds like he's suffering and needs more care than you can give him.

Wow, your situation sounds very much like mine. I am 57 y/o and recently went on disability for spinal problems. My father is 82 with dementia. I have been divorced for a long long time. My father has always had problems with me wanting to date ever since I have been divorced 20 some years ago. My dad has always been a difficult person. He has always been selfish and self-centered. I moved into his house last December to be a companion for him. His dementia is progressing quickly. He still complains whenever I talk about having a date. I am 57 y/o old and have been divorced for over 20 years!!! He is scared, lost and afraid I am going to leave and run off with someone. His feelings should not dictate my actions. Boundaries sister. You and I need to get better boundaries. You should not feel guilty. You are a young woman who needs to get out and socialize. Do what you need to do for you!! Go on your date and don't argue with him. Dont let his fears, etc. make you feel bad. You are not doing anything wrong!! You are an exceptional daughter. Many daughters would not do half of what you are doing for your father. You should feel proud of yourself. Please put yourself first sometimes, regularly, please. I am telling you from my experience so you won't waste as much time as I have feeling bad because of what your dad says. Boundaries!! Look it up and read about them. Have a super time on your date and focus on what you need. Your father does not own you. He should be grateful and want you to get out and have some fun. Peace my sister, Jackie

Absolutely do NOT cancel your date.

You need to start separating yourself from your father in order to begin making a life for yourself. I KNOW this is hard. But I also know about guilt. And I am much older than you and can look back and see how life has led up to this point.

I am 67 and started staying at home with my 96 y.o. mom the beginning of last year. My husband passed away over 20 years ago; it has probably been at least 10 years since I have dated. Much of it because too many hours with work / long hours. But then also, my mom always had this "look" when I'd bring someone home and to meet her, like "not good enough". It was a look that made me dread "the next time". And eventually I stopped going out.

But, over the last couple of months, I am starting (baby steps !) to be "me" again, motivated, writing and printing out a diet plan and sticking to it, cutting out all wine/alcohol (while I diet :) ), and getting up and cooking 3 meals a day for us, doing other odds and ends around the house, AND seriously looking for work.

I haven't done that for awhile as I reasoned that I would only come out about $10/hr pay after spending $$ for full-time caregiver, which is expensive for 40 hrs/wk. And I am so experienced with her medical emergencies and can manage well with being at home 24/7. BUT, my mom may live another 10 years; your dad maybe way longer than that (think about that! ) and I am really beginning to need to be out and around other people (eventually dating here and there again). I still worry about the caregiver thing, but I WILL work it out, and eventually, Mom will enjoy someone else being here. We will wind up having new things to talk about when we do have time together. And it will be good for her to "depend" on others. Because, there is always that chance that something could happen to me first .... she would be devastated.

And as far as the COVID thing, yeah I worried a lot about that but it has been so long now, that I am tired of worrying. There will ALWAYS be something. I am motivated now.... and that is what you MUST work on for yourself. YOU are important and need that.

You are young, very young. You have an entire life ahead of you which should be made full with your needs and dreams. Go on your date. Laugh, go out the door and "let go" the moment you close the door.

And then, SOON, make a plan to take a day, or even the majority of a day, to yourself, get out of the house. Go somewhere nice and quiet and enjoyable, maybe a park. And bring a small notebook and pen with you. Start making a plan. Make a list of things you'd like to do, start small. Have one list of small things, and maybe a list of big things you'd like to accomplish with your life over the next year or couple of years. When you think of things, write it down, put it in the appropriate list. We can't always think of things clearly or in order, but if you can get it written down, then you can add to it any time you think of something.

Once you get started, start a written plan of ways to accomplish. Maybe start with a small notebook you can keep with you throughout the day. And on that list include small things, like take a walk each day, bring your phone/camera and take a picture of a few things that you "love", a pretty flower or tree, someone's pet, maybe a unique house or window or door, things that you can look back and remember what it felt like getting outside and away.

Find time each day to do something enjoyable, non-caregiver related. In your backyard, or in your room with the door closed, headphones and listen to music maybe just 15 or 20 minutes.

Maybe you'd like to take a class somewhere, learn something new you enjoy and can interact with others with a similar interest, maybe a college course.

Along the way, consider preparing yourself and your father for an eventual break of your not living together and being his constant companion and caregiver. Take care and good luck!

Do not cancel your date. And, do not tell him about the date. He is paranoid and cannot handle any news about your personal life.

Whenever, I left my mom to go workout, I told her that I was going to "physical therapy." It was not a lie! And, it made her less paranoid.

Sometimes with the elderly, you have to use "therapeutic lying" to help them to cope.

Go on your date, and try not to feel guilty.

Just one more quick thought. You work from home. Is it computer work? Something you could do at least in part away from home? If so, you could sit at McDonalds or Starbucks and have some time away from the house. Start getting your dad used to your not always being there.

Hope you went on the date!! Let us all know how it goes ! We care about you!!

Summer,

How was the date?

SummerRaya: Imho, you should go on this one date. Your father is letting this manifest into something much larger and it's out of proportion. Perhaps it's time for facility living for him.

Covid is a legitimate concern; I assume you and your dad are vaccinated. A neighbor who’s been really careful for 18 mo just got Covid from her husband, who got it from work; both vaccinated and doing okay. Another neighbor said their 39 yo anti-vax nephew died from Covid. Now that under 12 yo kids are back in school, I’m not going to be able to visit family. In another words, it sucks.

So if there’s going to be a relationship, you might as well address Covid head on. Is the date vaccinated? How is the date handling work & play? Could the date be outside - picnic, outdoor restaurant, hike or walk on the beach? What portion of the date could include a mask? If you have a plan in place, dad doesn’t have a reason to worry and you can enjoy your date.

Obviously, go on the date and do not provide any details to your father. In the future, maybe hold back on the information. Just announce, "I'm going out for a while" and go.

Are you vaccinated? If yes and if the date is vaccinated, you'll be fine and you can take whatever precautions you feel necessary for your particular situation.

Honestly, I don't think your father is worried about you as much as he is worried about himself. He is worried that 'something is going to happen to you' and that means that his life will be upended.

And yes, it is time for him to stop being selfish, allow you to have your life, and move into a nursing home, or Assisted Living if that is an option. Then you can VISIT him on a weekly basis, have your life, and start regaining some normalcy.

Other people can't tell you how to feel (guilty or not), and frankly, other people can't make you feel guilty. You decide that for yourself.

You may consider finding a therapist who you can work with to help you help your father make a transition to having his own life so that you can go back to living your life. You've done an amazing job, so far, and you've been selfless and generous. Your father is going to decline, it will get harder and his needs will increase. Now is the time to get help before he gets needier.

Good luck!

You should call him about 2 hours into the date and tell him you're eloping.

Honestly, he should be in a NH. You're too young to throw your life away, otherwise you'll be left with nothing when he inevitably dies.

There have been 58 answers and OP has not returned at all. Perhaps we should stop until she does?

I think you should go - also from what you have said I suspect your father could do far more for himself if you weren't there to "look after him". He has developed a reliance and an expectation of you being there which doesn't sound healthy for you nor for a man who is only 75. Try taking an afternoon/morning out same time each week and getting a break, and see what happens, he'll complain but listen carefully, he sounds as if he is using your constant presence as an excuse to say he has a need for you to be there all the time, and guilt tripping you into going along with what he says. You know he says things that are "worries", you can help him most by showing these concerns to be false and gaining some more independence for you both.