My mother named me medical power of attorney several years ago when she was in good health and she specifically said that she didn't want to be kept alive if she was not going to get well...Now she is very sick and has been for over 2 years...She is on dialysis, has congestive heart failure, COPD and keeps having to have blood transfusions. She has been in and out of the hospital 6 times in 2 months, I am the ONLY child and the only one taking care of her and she has not been the same for a long time....She was going to go into a hospice then all of the sudden changed her mind and I went from the most wonderful daughter ever to the evil daughter "who wants her to die to get her out of my hair" I'm hurt and I'm so tired...I can't grieve the loss of my mother because this new person who has taken her place is mean and takes all of her frustration on out on me...If there was a chance that she could get better, I would do anything to make that happen but there no chance of that and I don't know what to do...All of her doctors have mentioned the dementia and memory loss but it's not documented...I don't know what to do and my own health and marriage have suffered since she had to move in with me.....I just don't know what to do anymore....
Is your mother competent to make her own decisions? If she is (and it seems she is by the doctor's acceptance of her "new" choice) then your MPOA is not actually active. MPOA is only active when she is deemed incompetent. If her memory problems are not documented that its likely she is still legally competent. Let me make her own choices until she cannot do so for herself. And, as far as her advanced directives are concerned (living will and such things like discontinuing treatments) this also only comes into play when she is deemed incompetent. Until then, she can make her own choices.
What you can do, and this is still very much your choice and power, is to choose not to be a hands on caregiver. Is she in an assisted living or a skilled nursing facility? I'm going to guess yes since she is in such a severe state of health. If not, this is the time to get her this level of care...its not hospice, it's long term care. Make sure the hospital understands you can no longer care for her in your/her home. This way you will not have the immense pressure of getting her to appointments and having it destroy your marriage. You will be able to visit as much as you like and be a daughter to her. Share joy and laughs while you visit, and leave the hands on care to the nurses.
Angel
If she is on her final decline, no treatment will slow it down very much, so don't stress yourself over that.
Repeat to yourself, "This poor, miserable sick person is not the person my mother was. My mother still loves me." Repeat it hourly or every 30 seconds as needed. This will be a bullet-proof vest to shield your heart. You still feel the impact, but it doesn't have to draw blood every time.
Kick the doctor's @ss to diagnose her with Alzheimer's. Tell the hospital that you cannot take her home due to your health and stress level. Avoid her until she is doped up to some degree, and may have forgotten what a horrible daughter she says you are. Don't engage when she tells you what a bad daughter you are. "Well, that may be true, but do you want me to bring you a milkshake tomorrow when I come?" "I'm sorry you're not pleased with me, but I have to go to an appointment soon. Are the nurses treating you all right?" "Well, I'm starting to feel bad because you're so angry. I'm leaving now. I'll see you tomorrow." And LEAVE! You can't reason with her in her condition.
Do you have a friend she used to like? Ask her to visit Mom, who will behave much better in front of a "stranger." The friend may get some useful information about what's bothering her. My BFF actually hired me to visit her mother, because she couldn't make me cry, and I could make her laugh.
This really sucks for you. This is not uncommon, but it is on the list of worst things that can happen to a caregiver. Remember to pat yourself on the back, and to thank your husband for not deserting you.
you must not live in indiana . my mother went into hospital with compacted bowels , and delirium . the next thing we knew the hospital said this woman hates us from a distance and refuses all medical treatment , and needs a DNR signed .
her issues to include kidney cancer werent curable but ive always felt like IU medical didnt want to rack up debts on her . maybe she wasnt gay enough to suit them . thats mostly what IU is known for -- the femenist movement and homosexual perversion . ever heard of the " kinsey institute ? ' . read a book then .
fyi ,
bloomington indiana isnt martinsville indiana . in martinsville they limit us to two story buildings because sure as youre born , if we had anything taller wed toss homos off of them ..
weve evolved beyond racism . now were just bigots .
I hope that knowing this relieves some of the sense of responsibility you must feel. Mom is handling this the way she wants to. Perhaps if you simply go along with her she will lighten up on the "evil daughter" routine. Perhaps. Nothing is certain in end-of-life situations.
The husband of my best friend fought cancer for about 2 years. He was willing to do any treatment that was offered, and suffer any side effects. He fought valiantly, even past the point where that made logical sense. Finally it was a doctor, not my friend, who said to him, "These treatments are doing more harm than good. We have nothing else to try at this point. Go home and enjoy the time you have left." That was when he agreed to hospice. He died a month later.
Whatever she thought years ago, your mother now wants to fight for her life. Support her. Let the medical folks tell her the facts. Your responsibility is only to help her with the decisions she makes.
My heart goes out to you. What a truly painful situation you are in. Hugs.