My mother is 55, congestive heart failure, pace maker/defibulator, diabetes, copd, the list goes on, along with depressive disorder, factitious disorder (she hits or picks at a skin graft she had 3 years ago creating a constant wound) and borderline personality disorder. She has three main doctors, two are MD's and a Psychiatrist. She hit herself causing an infection which landed her back in the hospital in late August, after she was released I was able to get her admitted to a nursing home for wound care/med management because her home health care agency dropped her due to liability issues, (we've been through several) and cannot find another. She has been living with me and my 16 year old son, but I am exhausted working full time and my son is frustrated. She has made accusations of people hitting her leg and has generally become manipulative. She is in a wheelchair, on oxygen, but is still able to get around (especially if she doesn't realize anyone is around). All three doctors agree that she needs to be in some sort of supervised setting with nursing skills. All three will not give me a definite answer on how much skilled nursing she needs and we live in a rural area so our choices are limited. The nursing home is too restrictive, but the living centers (few) might not give enough supervision. The social worker has been no help, and the family expects me to just take care of it, many feel that due to her age of 55 that I should just bring her home and let things go on the way they have been. I can't do that. So, who do you turn to when you are exhausted, work full time, single parent, caregiver, money is tight, no family backup, a not quite senior mother who is in denial, an no idea where to start.......
You love your Mom and can see that her needs are met in other ways. You do have options and most importantly you will never again have your son at age 16 where you can make a great impact on his change into manhood.
Do what you need to do. Disregard family expectations. Your mother is very sick. That is not your fault. There are limited choices of care for her in your immediate area. That is not your fault. You cannot meet her extensive needs and also take care of your son and yourself. That is not your fault. You have tried repeatedly to bring the care your mother needs and home care agencies cannot handle it. That is not your fault. Your home is not a supervised setting with nursing skills, in spite of your efforts to make it such.
Sounds to me like she should stay where she is. If she improves in that setting, and other options become available in your area, such as an elder foster home, consider a change at that time. If nothing improves, she is in a safe setting.
You will probably get answers that say you have a duty to care for her, she cared for you, she's the only mother you have, etc. I agree. You need to take responsibility for her care, which you are doing. She deserves your help, which you are giving her. But her specific medical/psychiatric needs are beyond your personal ability to provide for, so you need to see to it that they are met in a professional setting.
You will not be abandoning her. Visit frequently. Try to encourage those family members who have certain expectations for her to visit, too. Become her advocate and make sure she is getting the best care available. That is not a minor task, but it is one you can learn to do well.
I feel very sorry for your son having to have his grandmother with borderline personality disorder living in your house since he was three. Seriously, he might need a therapist himself after that ordeal. Poor dude, he probably feels like he's been abandoned. I also feel sorry for your being trapped by her and it sounds like she made you the chosen one with fear, obligation and guilt which blinded you for a while. People who live in close proximity with someone who has BPD very often catch BPD fleas and thus need therapy to set them free.
How in the world have you survived a borderline mother living in your house for 13 years? How did your dad manage to stay married to her for most people with BPD have unstable marriages that don't last or have a slave for a spouse? Have you read understanding the borderline mother or surviving the borderline mother or stop walking on eggshells? Those a three great books for anyone with a mother who has BPD (borderline personality disorder).
Frankly, I can understand why your brother does not want to deal with her, but still he should help you deal with her. Mental health professionals do not like dealing with persons who have borderline personality disorder either. Borderlines need although they don't like restrictive boundaries for they own safety and the well being of others. So, I think the nursing home is a good idea. She might however at some point need the extreme care of a psychiatric hospital.
I wish you well as you get your life back and your son's life back as well as your relationship with him back.
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