Hi,
My dad just passed away a few months ago. It was a really difficult situation and caused a lot of trauma for me. Lately, planning my dad's service has been a disaster. I wanted to do something to honor him, but I've been surprised just how awful my family has been. My uncle let me know how much he hated everything I planned and how I don't think of anyone else in the family. My aunt proceeded to act like it was a strain for her and another uncle of mine to even come and just yesterday asked me if I'll be coming to visit them with a family member they dislike. I said why would I be doing that? We are planning my dad's service HERE, I don't have time to travel to your house when everyone is traveling here for the service! It was a ridiculous question. She wants to make sure that family member doesn't come to their house to visit and that I basically need to make sure that doesn't happen. I told her no way is that my responsibility and she needs to handle it. Since my dad has died, I've been met with rude comments and some of the worst behavior from my family. I've honestly thought of canceling the service, but want to proceed for my dad to honor him. I know I just have to set boundaries, but when you're in pain and your family treats you badly it's so hurtful. I feel I won't look at them the same after this. Just feels like another blow after dealing with one of the worst things. 😢
I recently attended a memorial service for my sister. Her husband was too distraught to come although he had helped organize it. Their daughter and her husband did a wonderful job of the presentation of readings and a slide show of photos of her life. Was it the one I would have planned? No, but I was asked for pictures and provided a reading and am content with that. She knew how I felt about her and nothing can change that.
I am sorry that you have to deal with all of this.
((HUGS))
My SIL is Japanese with strong traditions. She never had a service, cremated my brother, and has a "shrine" with ashes of him and their beloved cat, right next to each other in a tucked away area of the house. Most of those people who could have stirred up anxiety about a funeral have given up asking. Works for me!
I am sorry that you have to deal with all of this.
((HUGS))
My SIL is Japanese with strong traditions. She never had a service, cremated my brother, and has a "shrine" with ashes of him and their beloved cat, right next to each other. Most of those people who could have stirred up anxiety have given up asking. Works for me!
I don't think it will ever dawn on them what you / I have done. You be true to you and stop harassing yourself to make things perfect for everyone else. You do what it takes for you to move forward. I've already taken steps for moms funeral, she loves everything and I'm not going to take crap from anyone about it! Your father needs to rest in peace, so you can too!
Nothing like grieving a huge loss with family discord-I am so sad for you going through this.
My personal gut response: do what you feel to honor your dad. Let the family 'chips fall where they may.' You won't be able to 'mend' all this internal family conflict, anger, resentments - now or perhaps ever.
Keep it simple and as peace-filled as possible for you, knowing you are doing this for your dad.
Set boundaries always remembering that the focus is on your dad and honoring him. All else falls by the wayside.
I suggest that you do not respond 'too much' to how / what others say to you. It is how family's feelings / anger, etc. come out ... by keeping that conversation going. They are NOT thinking of you and your loss. They are solely in their own emotional 'stuff' - and taking it out on you.
- When / if you continue to have these conversations, try to not respond other than the focus of planning and logistics. Change the subject or just send out an email of the itinerary. You don't need this aggravation.
I am so sad you are going through this. Most people, in most situations, only express themselves through their own experience. They are (unaware) unable to shift their consciousness to how another feels and focus on the needs at hand.
Gena / Touch Matters
Scale back, simple prayers and remembrances with his favorite music whether it be jazz, country or classical and it keep it to no more than 30 minutes.
Also, create a memorial service program with all your other plans along with basic family history and your dad's life story as well as memorial donations.
Please don't use go fund me because these donations ARE NOT considered taxed deductible donations because they are not going to a registered non-profit 501C.
Keep it simple -- plan an small annual gathering as a remembrance to your dad -- keep it small and simple
May The Lord give you peace, strength and wisdom during this difficult time.
One thing I learned with my mom's recent passing, other are mourning her loss and sometimes their grief bumps into mine and it has sharp edges. They aren't trying to be hurtful or difficult, they are dealing the best they can, as am I. Be kind and gentle with yourself and remember everyone lost him and they aren't at their best right now either. Don't make decisions about anything during this difficult time, everything is to raw.
Great big warm hug!
I was a son taking care of my mom. Each year, mom and I would review important documents: POA, will, healthcare proxy, and funeral arrangements, including her obituary. We would then sign a sheet I prepared noting our review. Her funeral arrangements were simple: No visitation, no church service. Just a small service for immediate family at the funeral home and cemetery. She had her outfit picked out, along with a pair of shoes.
On the day of her death, while I was extremely upset, I was prepared as I knew her wishes. Only after I had touched base with the funeral director did I notify my siblings (They had no role in her caregiving). I told them what was to happen and when. If they wanted to see mom, they needed to be there at the appropriate time. End of discussion.
They showed up and were surprised at how great mom looked at age 93 (She looked years younger and the funeral director did not have to do much with her appearance). The service at the funeral home and cemetery was brief and dignified. My siblings left the cemetery and I stayed until the cover to her vault was secured. I never brought up the cost of the funeral with my siblings and they never asked. The funeral director worked within my budget, and mom received the appropriate send off to her eternal rest.
Think about your dad, and forget the rest of the noise.
1. Definitely go forward with a service to celebrate your father's life and, remember him.
2. It usually is a good idea to have a pastor, chaplain or other non religious professional ( if that applies to your father ) plan the service with you and, others ( family) directly involved with the service; and have this same person officiate at the service. We are prepared to navigate the very circumstances you are describing among family members; we are prepared to include you and others you / family name to participate in the service. It sounds like you are " trying to plan the service " without these support services.
3. The funeral or cremation services you have used can make referrals to you to assist with the above, if you do not already have one nor know of one where you are having the service.
4. It is usually best practice to have someone from the funeral directing services present, as well as the pastor, chaplain or other selected professional who is officiating the service; these people help to ensure that the proper respect for the deceased as well as all bereaved persons attending are honored.
5. After you have planned the service with the professional of your choice, send whatever announcement (s) appropriate to inform everyone of the service date, time, location.
6. Screen your phone calls, respond to electronic messages sparingly; keep communication limited and civil , brief. This will help with your much needed self care.
Practice other good self care...see your PCP, stay hydrated, exercise, get outside some, meditate or pray as is appropriate for you.... surround yourself with caring , supportive people only.....
If people don't want to come, they won't. The people who do matter will show up, unless they physically can't.
I know it is hurtful. Perhaps this is their way of expressing their grief, but it is completely disfunctional and unhealthy for others to be around it. For now, just ignore unsupportive family members and allow yourself to grieve.
Contact the relatives who are behaving poorly to give them information to attend, once the arrangements are complete. If they balk, tell them the arrangements have already been made. Then cut the conversation short by stating that you need to call a long list of relatives and friends, but that you hope to see them there, you love them and you will talk to them.soon, and hang up before they can comment. That should get the message across.
If they call back, tell them you are busy and will get with everyone after the funeral.
The funeral is the way the immediate family chooses to say goodbye, with the funds they have available, and others are there to support the immediate family in their time of grief. That is the whole purpose of a funeral.
She asked my daughter to host a family meal at her home and then all of her family were a no show and no call!!!!!!
I have chosen to let her go out of my life and I am better for it. It has been over four months now with no communication from her.
The priority is getting your Dad buried. Nothing else matters. You are his child and its your honor to do so. Go ahead with your plans. Leave them out of it.
If they come fine and if not fine.
Or, just tell them it has been called off and proceed with your plans without them.
What does this have to do with this funeral situation?
You could cancel the funeral, regroup, and do it without the troublemaker(s). Just sayin'.
The County VA cemeteries are a little different in costs. I think, the lot is free, the plaque is free, but someone mentioned on the forum you may have to pay for opening of the grave. I was to my Uncles service and it was nice.
What is nice about a National Cemetery is that Wreaths across America is done every year in Dec around the 15th of the month on a Sat. Every grave gets a wreath. You can donate to offset the cost of the wreaths. Very pretty.
FWIW for anyone anticipating military burial at one of their cemeteries, please try to find out IF the cemetery you were planning has space available and the TYPE of space (casket or only cremains) and IF there will be a significant time delay for burial.
So if this is part of your planning, please look into this and factor it in. Your funeral home will have to store the body or have it transferred to a FH in the city where the military cemetery is located if it’s running a significant “hold” for casket in ground burials.
You would be surprised at how dramatic funerals could become. (To the point of authorities being called.)
I hope you can find peace through all of this.
The last time that I went to a funeral for a friend, I was casually speaking with an employee at the funeral home.
The sister of my friend that died was telling this employee that she hoped there wasn’t any ugly drama at her sister’s funeral because some of her family members are nuts!
The funeral employee told her that she hoped that her funeral would be peaceful. Then she said that she had seen fights break out between family members in the funeral home.
It is truly sad that some people are not able to be respectful during a funeral and forget about their differences at least until the funeral is over.
My goodness these people have DIED they could not care less about what you do.
The exception is...someone that has carefully planned out the service/celebration they want.
So a lesson to us all.
We are ALL going to die. PLAN what you want now when you are able to do so. Pay for it as well. With the cost of everything going up this can only save money in the future.
For family members that are not involved with planning keep rude remarks to yourself. (If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all)
For those planning..remember what your loved one was like. If they did not like a lot of "bells and whistles" they were not extravagant, I am sure they would not have wanted a lavish send off. Keep it Simple!