My father is going into assisted care in early February. I have been at his house 12 hours a day caring for him now. I asked my brother if he would come by a few nights to give me a break., He said "If you would have let us (him and his wife) put him in assisted living months ago you wouldn't of needed a break. So now you take care of him until he goes there." . It was my father's decision to not go into assisted living before, not mine!
I called my uncle, my father's brother who lives thousands of miles away to tell him what's happening. He hasn't returned any of my calls since I got here several months ago. I finally was able to reach him. I told him what was happening and that I could never have imagined my father would have had the type of aliments he does. He says "I did. I would be an a**hole if I didn't." The implication is that I'm an a**hole because I didn't know. How was I able to know for example that he would lose nearly all the strength in his arms? This is an uncle that when I heard he suffered some major emotional and relationship problems years ago I made it a point take him out to dinner and offer all my support to!
Can someone please tell me if I'm right here? Is my brother and uncle just insincere jerks? Or am I missing something? I know regulars have told me to just leave and I will once my father gets situated but until then I need to put up with this.
Am I right? I am asking because I have no one to talk to because my work and family was my first priority for many years and I only have one close friend, who lives far away, and who is actually going through far worse problems in their life.
Your uncle is presumably much the same age as your father. He probably has health problems of his own, and his friends do too. So he is not surprised that your father has problems. Your sympathy for him didn't come when you were up to your ears in the same issues. He may not have expressed it well, but it doesn’t make him an “insincere jerk” either.
Get whatever help you can with father’s care, for the next month. Don’t trash all your family relationships because you can’t go through with your original plans. It’s a hard time, just cope as well as you can. xxx
My answer isn't what I think you want: that you are right.. let me explain.
You can ask for help.
It would be nice if brother/uncle/whoever said yes. But other people can decide how they wish. To say yes or no.
The key words are *ask* *nice* & *decide*.
People are free to choose as they wish. They are not obligated to choose in a way that works out for other people. (If there has been tensions or bad feelings, that may even sway people away from helping).
You may call their behaviour selfish. They may call your behaviour selfish for wanting your way.
Choosing for yourself is all you can do. Being responsible for your own choices.
Does that make sense?
I'm sure February will make things a whole lot easier.
You have fought your brother's plans to get your dad into AL for MONTHS. There are pages of your posts documenting this.
If dad needs more care than you can give right now, ask DAD to pay for in-home caregivers to relieve you.
I want good relations in my family. I spent 10+ years taking care of my father while my brother was travelling the world in style. And now he blames me, the person who sold everything to move near them, for the fact that my father was not in assisted living months ago? As I said, my father did not want to go at that time. He was perfectly competent then and I supported his decision. My brother is also making it clear that he saw this coming. What he doesn't say is that if my father did go to assisted living months ago my brother and his family would have been able to travel. They have not because of my father, and me. I didn't get in the way. They could have done what they wanted. So now I start my new life not knowing anyone and having bad family relations. MY FATHER URGED ME TO MOVE HERE SAYING "YOU"RE FAMILY IS HERE. WE'LL SUPPORT EACH OTHER". Now it's come to this? Good grief!
Oh, and my brother recently brought up the fact when when I was a teen my father paid for my first car while my brother in his twenties had to get a loan for his. I didn't say anything but his car, a really nice car, cost like $20K (of which my father paid about $5K) while mine was old and cost like $1200.
Also, I helped my father many years ago selling a product through his work. My father paid me a small amount on the success of the sales. After about a year of literally blood, sweat and tears, we made a decent profit. I told my brother about this. He said to the effect "Oh, I am entitled to some of that!"
This is the mindset I'm dealing with. Thank you for letting me vent. It does help and hopefully will help others, too.
IF your father’s thinking was already damaged by dementia, he may have been incapable of making a valid and reasonable decision considering the best and safest care for himself, and sad though it may be for you, your well intentioned offer of care MAY have made it even more difficult for your brother and uncle to finalize the plans to get him to the care he needed.
Perhaps all of you were both right and wrong, and are now being a little harsh when responding to each other?
You can’t MAKE family provide hands on care, and you can’t expect someone to relieve you of responsibility that you assumed, against their recommendations and advice, because you disagreed with what they were saying.
If you want to continue being a loving supportive network for your dad, you’ll need to forget what you think was “implied” by whatever anyone said, and focus on the goal of getting your father into the care setting that serves him best.
You have done what you thought you should, as a faithful daughter would. Be grateful that you were able to offer what you could.
If you know you did “right” by your father, it may be better to relinquish your focus on what others think.
Hope all goes well for you moving forward.
If you made a mistake, so be it, we all do, our emotions mess up our thinking. It is not uncommon for people to try and think with their heart rather than their brain, although the heart is not designed to make valid decisions.
Let it go and move forward.
Dad probably does need NH care. In 3 weeks he will be in one.
Your life will be your own again, unless YOU choose to spend all day, everyday at the facility with him. That's your call. I hope you don't. I hope you can detach (lovingly) and only see him a couple of times a week and make the visits short and upbeat and then return to your life.
You'll never change anyone's opinions. Only your own.
My mom blew hot and cold about allowing me to be a PT CG for her. She died in late August and I am still grieving, to a degree, that we were on "ok" but not great terms. So much muddy waters under the bridge, really. I know in time I will be at peace, as will you.
I'm sorry your relatives are being jerks. Is that really a shock to you? You can keep some tight boundaries and not interract with them. May be best.
I know that my mom and dad did far more for one sibling over another. The boys were on pedestals and us girls were second best. The boys had a lot of help with college tuition, my sisters and I were all on our own. (Why educate women? They just stay home with kids?--that was the train of thought).
I have long since forgiven my folks for being human, being the product of the generation they grew up in--and I hope they have forgiven me for being me.
I think you are anxiously ramping up to the big move for dad. Hopefully, you will find peace after he's there and settled.
And there you have it. What your brother and possibly your uncle are pointing out - in the nastiest possible way, perhaps - is that it was your father's decision to decide not to go into assisted living. But it was your decision to become the full-time caregiver, not your father's.
I'm glad there's an end in sight, though.
“I sacrificed really good years of my life for the happiness of others”. Did you see it as a gift, or a contract? It’s not a gift if you expect a return.
We see so many posts along similar lines. People do free care giving for years, then expect backpay at the end – often a bigger payout from the estate. The ‘pay’ they actually accepted was feeling good about themselves, and looking ‘wonderful’ to other people. It’s a bitter thing to accept.
As discussed in many old posts, we have a clash of the ‘expectations’. In the past, it was a badly educated daughter’s ‘responsibility’ to stay home and care, but elders usually died a decade or two earlier - unless they were unusually healthy. Now, daughters have other options and ‘responsibilities’, and care is needed for so much longer through years of serious health issues.
Many of us are victims of this emotional ‘climate change’. I don’t know what we can do about it, but please don’t end up bitter with all your relations. That’s a bad price to pay.
I think he could have more succinctly stated "I am an a**hole", without qualification.
As for your brother, I find that those who don't roll up their sleeves and help, seem to be the best at finding fault.
And what happens if your father decides he does NOT want to go to AL once again? Hasn't that already happened?
We are not members of your family. We cannot conceivably know the ins and the outs of your family dynamics, let alone who is right and who is wrong. While it is interesting to see a new character enter the serial, I suspect this is getting a bit old for those of us who are regulars.
I again would suggest that you consider therapy to discuss this ongoing saga.
I wish you the best of Happy New Years, and I hope that eventually you will remove yourself from this drama whether that takes a move of some miles, or just of the brain and the heart.
My best out to you, your Father and your brother and sister-in-law, all of whom I feel I know more intimately than I should.
Your posts are tiresome bud, bc you are unable and unwilling to keep an open mind and hear anything BUT "gee you're right and the rest of the world is wrong" while you toot your own horn for perceived great services you performed for others 20 or 30 yrs ago, bringing up something you said in middle school for petesake! That doesn't make you "honorable"! You only want to "associate" with yes-men and people who prop you up for all of your successes while ignoring your failures. Your family members cannot tolerate you, is the truth. You have but 1 real friend, why might that be? This constant and chronic insistence on making others "wrong" and yourself "right" may be a good starting point to figure out why. Intensive therapy and counseling may be your only hope here, or a psychiatrist who can help you sort yourself out.
I hope your father gets the fulltime care he needs, which is not possible in AL. I hope you and your brother can put aside all this petty nonsense in favor of helping your FATHER get the care he needs. Stop repeating heresay about what you've heard about AL, SNFs and 100 days of rehab and do some REAL research on your own in an effort to figure out what's best for dad. Not you....DAD. It's ridiculous the histrionics you write about between you and your brother, all while DAD has continued to decline under the "care" you've both given him! To the point where he hasn't the strength to open a refrigerator door??! 😑 Dad needs to get away from this madness now and into some managed care facility where he can be properly looked after, finally.
1) they express their sincere appreciation to you for your far more contribution than theirs and will try their best to collaborate with you;
2) they compliment you and will provide little support;
3) they don't say anything sweet but still offer help;
4) they don't want to help but will say something to make you feel guilty of current situation.
Now you found out what it is but you don't need to feel bad about yourself just because other people's reactions to your request.
Lisa, I think you are a wonderful person --- helpful, unselfish, respect family members by asking. You just need to concentrate on making a wise decision. Wish you the best.
(sorry, I can't keep tracking who posted what previously. My comments are only based on this post. If I said something wrong or out of context, please correct. )
If any problems arise have faith in your brother to address the matter. Your dad will have an entire staff to look after him.
Focus on what is best for your dad. Be grateful that your brother cares about your dad. Most of all, start thinking about resuming your life without being a full time caregiver.
This is a time to rejoice, not to question what others feel or say. Does that really matter at this point? Be honest with yourself, it doesn’t matter at all.
Plan a trip! Go see your friend that lives far away. Have some fun.
Brother may be putting your dad in assisted living but who knows if he is wording it wrong and if you know the name of said facility then simply look up online the services they provide.
If it turns out to be unsuitable for dads needs then that will be on brother and dad to work out.
My advice would be to stay out of it because trying to get fools to listen to reason will just result in bad feelings directed towards you. And don't rescue dad at facility by providing hours and hours of care and running errands etc. Let brother handle all of that since he thinks he knows best and refuses to listen.
I understand you love your dad but dad is a big part of the problem here too. Both you and brother created a monster in dad with giving him everything and everything he wanted. Just like with a child spoiled by their parents. The outcome is never pretty.
Please get on with your life. This situation with dad can drag on for years.
Some people call Assisted Living any place that cares for people. Rehab IMO is not skilled nursing and Rehab is what Medicare pays for. Skilled Nursing can be called a Nursing home and Long term care. If brother has picked an AL he will eventually find that Dad is more than they can care for and he will go to Skilled Nursing. I would think if brother no longer wants to pay for Dads care, he will be placing him in SNF with Medicaid paying. Dads SS and pension will not cover the cost of an Assisted Living. If Dad owns his house, it may need to be sold to pay for his care.
For now, I would only do what I have too. How dirty can one man make a house? You allow ur brother to get to you. Ignore it. You keep suggesting knowing he could care less. Allow him to do what he needs to. I am sure the "grey rock method" has been suggested. Just smile and say OK. Stop trying to be right. You only have 3 more weeks. When Dad leaves you leave too. Leave everything to your brother to do. Stop all communications. Your Uncle was probably ghosting you. Sorry to say, people really do not want to here other peoples sob stories especially when they are not well either. You have the rest of your life, make something of it. Go back to where u lived before.
This forum has been very upfront with you since ur first post. And it really surprises me you come back. I wonder if you have ADD. You keep taking this s**t from ur brother and never seem to stick up for yourself. Always looking for validation.
I so hope once Dad is placed you can move on.
It sounds like your caregiver days are now over. The only thing that you can do is accept it.
Don’t dwell on the past. It’s over. If you need to resolve issues to find peace, see a therapist to learn how to place things in perspective.
The only thing that matters is that your dad will be receiving care.
It doesn’t matter what your brother and sister in law think. Their opinion shouldn’t matter all that much to you.
Focus on resuming your life. You can still visit your dad without having the difficult ‘hands on’ duties.
Thank you for letting me get it out of my system. Now I think I'll get a Tikka Masala take-away. Just for me.
It's not "wouldn't of".
It's, wouldn't have.
I mention this, because it's important for employment. OP, please get a job. The rest of your life will improve, too.
People who truly were first in their class, considered a leader, honored, don't mention it - because humility is part of that.
Are you moving forward with caring for yourself because you are focused on these questions?
If so, might it help you to FIND an objective professional qualified in psychology or social work to help you reconcile your feelings towards the members of your family?
As I had mentioned to you previously- why is it still in your best interests to be so focused on the “right and wrong”?
Because it makes her feel good. (OP mentioned she's female).
The attitude is..."They're bad, I'm good."
A lot of people feel good, pointing out other people's faults. (Or even non-faults. Sometimes the other person did, and said, absolutely nothing wrong. But still some people feel good pointing out, or thinking, "I'm better than them."). That's how they feel good about their own life. It gives them "self-esteem". (I say "self-esteem", because real self-esteem doesn't come from that.)