I have been taking care of my father for the past 6 years, and throughout this time he has let himself go, as he will not try anything to keep healthy. My father has always been verbally abusive, but because I care I had him move in with me. When he moved in and his health went worse, the stress got to me and my epilepsy came back around the same time. I am the only one of us 4 siblings that is not married and have no kids, and can't. My father has ruined some of my relationships because he is lazy and mouthy. It has now come to the point that I am seeing a psychotherapist every 1 to 2 weeks and a psychiatrist once a month.
My epileptologist has threatened to write an order telling me to move out, as they have said stress is my biggest cause, and that my seizures are getting worse and killing me, literally. I have begged for help, even just for them to come up with 100 dollars a month for me to hire a housekeeper 2 hours a week for a break.
I make less than 1/3 of each of their income yet I am the one paying for all of this, and my income is only SSDI. I have no idea what to do now, as I have also had to sell everything of mine to keep up with bills. My siblings always make excuses as to why they never come visit or they can't help. I know my father is mad at them too as he has had me set up a new will, trust, DPOA and so now when he passes, as I am the executor, I have to tell them it explicitly states they are to receive nothing and it all goes to me. I hate seeing my family like this and wish I knew what to do.
I am very sorry to hear of your struggles. I know you have done a lot and you've now reached a critical point. Please consider talking to a social worker, family therapist or counsellor. Is it possible to move your uncle to an assisted living facility or nursing home?
I hope you can get some sort of respite. It is a lot for one person to be responsible for caring for an elderly person. Your uncle might have some dementia and maybe that is why he said these hurtful things.
I hope you can get more help and find a better balance. Thinking of you. Sending you hugs.
I have enlisted visiting help (aides, visiting MDs/nurses). Handle his meds. I cook and clean 4 him. FOR NO PAY. He cannot afford it. All of his benefits go towards HIS care. I too am at the end of my rope. My health (physical, mental and spiritual) are bad. HE IS A FULL TIME JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. Yet he and my family say...find one. Ummm...huh?
We had to figure out a way to move and to a place we could afford. Unfortunately the house is a slum as the new landlord has not finished the add on they did so it is falling apart.
Now my fathers health took a turn for the worse, when we were pushed out of the other house in retaliation, he had a heart attack, he developed diabetic wounds on his foot recently and may be losing his foot.
I have given up on my siblings, and my father has professionals come every day to dress his wounds. I have his DPOA completed, but not his revocable trust.
As far as the Irrevocable trust, it terminates at the time that my father and his siblings are all deceased.
My father has a lot of costs due to meds not covered by medicare and a lot of doctors appointments, recently he has had to pay most of the bills too though I do all I can. I may be moving out, and he will also find a different place, but will be sure it will be very close to a lady he is very good friends with, or near me.
I have POA but unlike you I will not inherit everything that is left when my mother passes away, it will still be divided between the 3 of us if anything still exists. I am really having to think at this point about what I am going to do, I have been doing this for 4 relatives for over 10 years and I am at my wits end. I have no life but I want to change that, I have to change it.
I am considering paying someone to come and stay every once in a while and I think I need to have a sit down with my sisters and lay it out that I cannot and will not continue to do this. I too have epilepsy and panic and anxiety as well as other ailments but I cannot let this take my life away from me, I have a child who needs their mother and as much as I love my mother, my child will not lose me in the process.
Take others advice here and have a sit down with dad and go over finances. Have a plan on what is reasonable and have him contribute expenses then tell him because of your health he will need to spend money on in home care a few hrs a wk or whatever you need. Give him ultimatum and tell him if he won't comply then he will have to go to asst living. Then act on it and immediately hire care and have him sign the contract for care.
Also check with local senior services center, will he go there each day for their activities, lunch? This would give you break. Some places have adult daycare that might be economical option for you at least a few days a week.
Take care of your health and well being first and foremost, let go of the anger with sibs ... That ship has sailed, create a new life for you as much as possible and join a support group if you can for caregivers. They will be a tremendous resource for you as we'll as helping you sort thru feelings.
I understand about the "crying wolf" - my mother has done this the past 30 years or so. Unfortunately, with this kind of behavior, you will never know when something is real or not; try not to worry about this if you can, as it is out of control. As is the refusal of medications. My mother does this all the time. She is in a nursing home for multiple health reasons and mental health issues.
What I have learned is we cannot control their behaviour or what they say. Take it one day at a time. My mother is also narcississtic. Our desire to make them happy is pointless. If they refuse medications, they will suffer the consequences. I, like you, tried for years to get my mother to take the required medications, but she would not. And often she refuses in the nursing home.
Take a step back, give yourself a break. I'm dealing with many of the same issues you are dealing with. I don't think there is any more you can do other than be there and just listen to her. They are very unhappy and sick people and no matter how we try, they won't change. Blessings to you and take care.
This is making you sick. You have got to have help and the only time your siblings are going to show up is when they think there is money that is going to be distributed. Contact your local Department of Human Services and get a social worker involved. There are services available in most communities and they will be able to put you in touch with them. If your dad is on Medicare, there is some home help available. We had a nursing aide come in for my grandmother for free 5 days a week and a registered nurse once a week.
My mom is in a nursing home. She is on oxygen 24 hours a day. She has 3rd stage kidney disease, heart disease, diabetes, copd, and (sever depression), that she will not admit she has. She was recently diagnosed with asperation. She has lost 8 pounds in the last month.She can hardly eat anything. She is sedendary and refuses any exercise, and I mean any. Maybe her speech theropy should count, she will do this or a least for the last few days. She is very hard to deal with, tells everyone off and refuses to try, except for the speech theropy. She seems to not want to live. I need advice on how to help her. She hates the nursing home, but has hated every home she has been in, this is her 4th nursing home since last June. She went home for about 6 months, but has been in and out of the hospital and in nursing homes since the middle of January of this year. She thinks she knows everything, she use to be an elderly sitter when she was younger. I have worked hard to get her meds for depression, and anxiety. She refuses to take them, and at times refuses to take any of her meds. She has called me and my brothers to come to be with her because she is dying, and she says today, or tonite or whatever. She crys wolf so much you just don't know, what to do. Any suggestions or reference materials will be appreciated, so much. Thanks bunches, Andra
It is very, very hard to see someone you love making poor decisions, or what you consider poor decisions. It can be quite freeing, though, to accept that some things -- such as other people's decisions -- are out of our control.
Your decisions about your life are under your control. Go back to running.
Sometimes we are so close to a person and just assume it is stubbornness when it is something else. He's had a long live and it sounds like a happy one. If he passes, it's not such a bad thing. Good luck and best wishes.
His health deteriorates monthly. He eats and drinks what he wants and tells his doctor he is going to do whatever he wants. I have explained that his choices do not just affect him. They affect me too. I am newly married and my husband has accepted my dad and the arrangement. But he too, is frustrated because my father will not slow down. He is 88 and continues to try and practice law. We go round and round about him taking better care of himself so his quality of life will be better, but he won't listen.
He becomes very obstinate and defensive, thinking I am just "bossing him around". I have talked to many people about how to better take care of him and become more understanding. But I am at my end.... I use to exercise 5 days a week. I would be up at 5 am and go for a run. I have completely stopped that due to finding him on the floor too many times when I would get home. He would refuse to wait till I get home 45 minutes later before trying to get up. Sometimes his blood sugar would be as low at 50!
So, due to no exercise, I have gained 15 pounds and my blood pressure is 160/80. I am now on blood pressure medicine.
I was the caregiver when my mom was dying of cancer. We finally had to have someone come live with her the last few months of her life. But up to that point, I was it. This is one of the most hardest things to ever go through.
So now what? I work full time and so does my husband. Working out after work is out of the question.
LETTING GO TAKES LOVE
To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it's to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.
To let go is to fear less and love more
and
To let go and to let God, is to find peace !
Remember: The time to love is short
------ author unknown
I do have the authority to hire some help (which will be an additional poop-storm if I do), my immediate problem is getting the time to do it.
This is not a nice person or even one who wants to be nice. I know the Bible says we are to honor our father and our mother. However, it is NOT honoring them to let them destroy us. Since you moved in, you CAN move out. He will not die. He will not die because you will report him to your state's Adult Protective Services. They can deal with his nastiness and see that he is taken care of as well as he will allow.
You need to get your paper work in order. If you do not have any one of the list below, get it now (while he is hopefully still able to write his name).
1. A clear written diagnosis of his mental and physical condition: APS will hellp
you with this.
2. A durable power of attorney.
3. A durable power of attorney for health care (yes, they are different).
4. A preferred intensity of treatment document.
5. A will (if he will make one).
Once you have all of that (enlist others to help you complete the list), you are ready to think about placement. APS will tell you when, but you can be sure the time is coming when he will not be able to live alone. Do your homework so that he isn't pitched into the first available place with an immediate opening.
Or don't do your homework. He sounds like he deserves to be pitched into the first available place with bed room.
Then, I'm serious, take time for yourself. You will have done all anyone can do to take care of him. Make sure he does not drag you into the depths with him!!
Good luck.
By moving in and giving up our lives, and in many cases our health and sanity, we're actually enabling our aging parents to get away with a lot of the crap they're dumping on us.
I want an answer to this and I don't have one. At least not an answer that doesn't involve an endless hissy-fit of blood, guts and feathers.
The best thing I ever did was go to a three day conference and have my in-laws care for my husband (who had dementia and was mildly incontinent). He fell in the night and they had to deal with getting him up, on the toilet, and then back to bed. After that, there was no question when I had to put him in assisted living.
These folks don't want to understand what you are going through. They are just glad it's you and not them. Resist being the martyr who dies before your dad. If all else fails, report yourself to your state's elder services department. When the state says things must change, they have the authority to make it happen. I know it's a lousy way to go. But it just might save your life and your sanity.
My situation financially is better than yours but it doesn't keep me from being upset with my sib. All I can say is you gotta take care of yourself to be able to continue care for your dad. It is not a selfish way of thinking..it is very healthy. As others have said who is going to take care of your dad when you can't!?
Will keep you in my prayers as this is a tough situation. I try to let go of my feelings toward my sib almost daily. Never calls me to ask how parents are really doing. Think he has his head stuck in the sand and doesn't want the truth of the situation. My hubs works away from home two weeks at a time..the stress both physical and mental is strong. If I need some time he takes care of parents then I feel guilty..never ending cycle.
You have to take care of your health..let go what you can emotionally ..