How do I get my family to understand I have no life and being a caregiver is killing me?

I have had a similar experience over the last 5 or 6 years with my Dad. He is extremely demanding and like yours, wanted to control my life completely, even from a distance (I was doing a 15 hour round trip for a week every month for the last two years) and when he was in a care home with others around to take care of him. The guilt was eating me up, so I have now moved back to be nearer to him, however, I have taken a bit of control by moving somewhere which is 3 hours drive away - not on the doorstep, and that way I can go see him for day trips once or twice a week when circumstances allow, but I still have a life of my own - without which, like you I would feel like I was going to die first!

Money wise - my father had some savings, and is still under the impression that he has every penny he ever had tucked away in the bank, however, as POA I decided that the money would be spent to pay for the care and the cost of me taking care of him. You do not have to tell your father what you are doing with the money - the main thing is that you are spending it to take care of him - there is no crime or guilt in that. Do not spend all your own money! I spent most of mine before I got wise and I regret that now, as when my father and his savings have gone it will be very hard for me to build up my funds again as I am not young - and he may live a lot longer and there will be nothing of his left. You may find a similar situation arising as your father does not sound as if he is at deaths door.

As to siblings, I also have a sister who has not contributed or cared for the last 20 years apart from the odd phone call to ask how things are. She looks after her own money and does not offer any help even although she knows the situation. Because of this I have made sure she knows there will be no 'inheritance' come the revolution and she has agreed that she doesn't expect it, so that takes away any resentment I feel towards her - perhaps you can do something similar with your relatives and that way at least you know that if you are doing the work and there ends up being any sort of inheritance, you can lay claim to it without feeling obliged to explain yourself to your relatives.

Do not let your Dad rule your life. I sympathise, as I too, allow my Dad to take over my emotions, but at some point you have to say "no, my Dad has chosen his path and does not take my feelings into account, but I can still have a life of my own, give him good care, but not allow him to dominate, and still be a better person than he is".

I hope it helps to know you are not alone with this, there are quite a number of us out there.

Take control and take care!

SLEEPER:

Your sibs understand. They just think you're getting what's coming to you for hogging their "entitlements." Besides, you're single and w/o children. If you weren't caring for your dad, how else are you going to quell those instinctual, caregiving desires most people assume women have? In a nutshell, you're perfect for the job; even if it kills you.

Have a talk with your father. Tell him you're sacrificing your worldly possessions and yourself to care for him, and that it's time he pulls his own weight or make other arrangements. He can take it out of what you're supposed to be "inheriting": more verbal abuse, relationships gone down the drain, friction with your sibs. He's a real peach. Nothing's changed except his age.

I'd present him with 2 choices: shape up or ship out. People like him have a nasty habit of surviving their children, and you almost have one foot in the grave.

As others have posted, and I am living proof, you cannot make your siblings caring, selfless individuals--no matter how hard you beat your head against the brick wall. Believe me, I was going to do it, no matter what, but all I did was cause hard feelings. I could barely speak to them, and still have trouble at times, but all in all, I had to finally accept them for who or what they are. It is terribly disappointing when family is so cold and non-supportive. People I have trusted to do the right things, how can they look at themselves in the mirror? Apparently, they don't have a problem with it but we, as caregiving, helpful people, would. Everybody is different, and sometimes I wish I weren't the personality that I am; it seems life would be a lot easier! But nobody really has it made, and I am certain that they feel guilt, at least at some level, which is part of what makes them avoid the situation. Don't take it personally, accept them and go about your business as usual! It is not easy, I know, but after 20+ years of caring for my mother, I finally gave in. They are not going to help physically, financially and do not feel it is their responsibility. All of our parents would be in homes if we were like them, so be glad we are not. God bless.

Short of dropping him on them you can't make other people see things they do NOT wish to see. You need to see this is hurting you and do what you can to alleviate your suffering and stop the ruination of you own health and peace of mind. Truly if you are so ill you need care, how does that help him? Find yourself some help however you must...

Good for you for the new business. Accept your family for what they are and move on. Obviously you can't rely on them for moral or financial help, so be it. Where does dad's oil check money go? Talk to a lawyer and see about getting an advance and get something set up so you have free time to focus on YOU! Sorry if my advice is redundant to others posts. Best of luck, Peace & Blessings.

Sleeper: I need to ask a few questions. If you would answer them it would help me to better understand your circumstances.

(1) Why did you have your dad move in with you? Did that take place 6 years ago or more recently?

(2) Can you better explain the situation with the irrevocable trust. You say it was set up by other family members who I assume have passed away, ie great grandparents and grandparents. Does this trust ever terminate? Was your dad the beneficiary and did your dad decide to keep the properties in an updated irrevocable trust. Does it terminate when he passes and did he indicate how the assets would be disbursed?

(3) You mention that your dad does nothing to benefit his health, but is he ill and needing care? If so, what is wrong with him? Could he live just fine on his own?

(4) Does your dad receive Social Security? What is his income and why are you having to feel financially pressured with his care?

I realize that you feel your "biggest problem" is a lack of support and help from your siblings. I don't think that is your biggest problem. I think your biggest problem is your health. You can only control what happens to you. You can't control your dad or your sibs. You can't save them, you can only save yourself.

From a spiritual perspective, karma or whatever you want to call it; I think you have a lesson to learn here and that is you have to let go of being that person that saves everyone else. You have a responsibility to yourself. You are a gift from God and unique in that respect. To disrespect that gift is to disrespect God (or in whatever form you want to acknowledge that higher power) You are precious and deserving. Don't feel that your sibs and dad have to validate that. They don't. You still have a soul and you are still a child of God, no matter how they treat you. It is how you treat yourself that counts. Don't let people who are selfish, mean spirited and controlling crush the light of real love from your life.

Parents, who have the the nature to manipulate and be abusive feel they also have an ace in the hole with financial assets. For example, your dad is very intrusive in your life and he doesn't seem to be financially or emotionally supportive of you, yet he tells you that he will make you his DPOA and is leaving everything to you. That seems to me as a form of flattery, something that you can construe as love and appreciation. It's a tool to keep you tied to him. I believe you when you say you don't care about the inheritance, but that's not the tie that I am talking about. When he says these things to you, he is indicating that he has chosen you as his favorite. You are the one that has been there for him and you are deserving of his trust and favor. (I'm not referring to the irrevocable trust, but his personal trust.) That can be quite a wonderful feeling. A sense of approval from a distant and self absorbed father; the validation that you have always wanted. To push that away and say, "I'm sorry dad, but I can't live like this" is risking everything you have earned by sacrificing you life and your health.

You are seeing a therapist. I don't know if you can print my response, but if you can, take it to your therapist and ask for input. If what I say makes no sense in the reality of your life, then no harm done.

If you don't want to answer the questions I posed here, that's perfectly understandable and acceptable. I won't be offended in the least. You are buried in a pile of dysfunctional rubble. Go towards the light not the darkness.

I wish you all the best.

I am caring for my (severe dementia) mother, and the first thing I did when I took her into my home was to see an elder care attorney. I am the POA, and I was shocked to learn how I was legally entitiled to receive compensation caring for her and also receive rent--from her estate. In the first 10 minutes in that attorney's office, "my" responsibilities to her and "her's" to me (in order to live in my home) were outlined in a State Residential Lease Agreement, and a "Family and Personal Service Agreement." Without those agreements, I would have put her in Assisted Living Memory Care long ago.

The stress is still not worth it some days; and I also am looking into the very expensive care in an institution. But knowing I am not being taken advantage of financially and physically helps me to hang on, and at the same time giving her excellent care, which makes the situation much more tolerable. You need to be getting something out of this to feel good about caring for your father. I also have a ne're do well sister who did not visit my Mom, send a card, or make a phone call to her in 15 years, while living just down the street. She surfaced after learning my mother was declining, showed up uninvited at my mother's home, and all she talked about was she should get some of the money. My mother to this day does not know "who that woman was." I call it "divine intervention"; and she still asks me who that woman was. And, that is the reason I went to see the attorney; not to find out what I could get. but how to deal with my sister. The saints were lookiing over me when I made that appointment. I urge you to see an Elder Care Attorney in your area, and find out where to start, and what your rights are. At least then, you are taking care of yourself the best way you can, which will make you feel better and all the giving you are doing to your father.

Find out how you can use his money now for his care. You shouldn't be using yours if he has some. Second, I think no matter what they would pay you to take care of him the stress of it all is just too much.You either need at home help or you should put him in a home. Of course his money will dwindle down a bit or maybe completely but trust me in the long run no amount of money can help you if you are sick or dead. I believe God only expects you to do your very best after that when it is harming your health and sanity I think he no longer wants you to do it especially completely alone. Please get help asap. This really isn't good for you. Anyways, if you keep up this way would you really be any good to your dad anyway? Just think about that.

Check with a lawyer (and beg the doctor to write the order! at least you'll have a clear conscience!)

The question you need to ask is what would happen to your dad and who would step up if something happened to you? (heart attack, stroke, hit by a bus, etc.)

(((((Hugs)))) and kudos for starting up your own business. What a difficult situation!

You say your main issue is with your sibs. Indeed. There are many posters here with selfish siblings, who want what they can get, but will not be supportive in any way. I have one like that. You are the "care giver" in the family, and have been there for them. It is natural to expect that they will be there for you, but they are not. Sounds like dad is very self centered, even narcissistic, and your sibs are too. This is unlikely to change, and, as others have said, beating your head against that brick wall is only hurting you. I have found that I have more peace and protection accepting that is how it is. My mother and sister are narcissistic, and will use me to the extent that I allow it. I have had to put some serious boundaries in place, as my health was being affected. It sounds like you need to do more of that too. Living with an abusive person is very stressful and, in your case, could be lethal. I personally believe that no one should put up with abuse, and that anyone who is on the receiving end of abusive behaviour needs to make whatever changes they required for their own protection. Putting up boundaries like you are in terms of doing errands for dad on Saturdays is great. Just keep setting up whatever boundaries you need. If that includes finding other living arrangements for dad, so be it.

My main concern here is for you. What can you do to improve your situation, and decrease the stress which is killing you? Dealing with narcissistic self centered relatives is not easy. It was very kind of you to take dad in, from his point of view, but not kind to yourself at all.

I agree that Dad should be paying for his care - he has money coming in regularly. Your doctor is very concerned for your health, and how it is being affected by your situation.. Please discuss alternatives for your dad's care with your doctor, and possibly a counsellor/social worker, and how, in the meanwhile you can better protect yourself. I understand that you have a generous nature. Please apply that to yourself. I know it is hard when you have a "giving" personality, but I think you recognize that it is not working for you. There is no way I could ever live under the same roof as my mother. Her nastiness, and selfishness get to me far too much. She is well cared for in an ALF, even though she complains a lot, and still expects me to be at her beck and call. Typically, a narcissistic person has no concern for the health of others, and will continue to make demands of them, even though it is obvious to others that the caregiver is not well enough to meet these demands. You deserve better than that! Detaching, and distancing yourself emotionally from your siblings sounds like a necessary move. I know it isn't easy, BTDT, but it does help. Detaching from you dad and his needs, and looking at your own situation, and needs, and putting them first would seem to be a good move to. Again, I know it is not easy, but it is doable. BTDT, too. You can look after you, and dad's needs can be met too by a different arrangement. You say your sibs are your main issue, but if your doctor is saying you could die from the stress of having dad with you, i say that is your main issue.

We all want to be part of a warm caring family, where we can give, and other will give back to us, but not all families are like that. I had to grieve the loss of the family that I wanted, and was desperately trying to make function, and accept that my family is dysfunctional, that I have no control over them, but only over myself and my choices. It is my reality. It sounds like yours too.

Please come back and let us know how you are doing. It sounds like you have so much potential. If you dad ends up in another living arrangement, you still will have lots of opportunities to do things for him, but can limit that, and contact with him to what your health can tolerate.

more (((((((hugs))))) and prayers

Joan

How sad. But here is the reality: you cannot fix the relationship your siblings have with their father. You can suggest, you can plead, you can even throw a fit. But they are going to do what they are going to do. I do understand how this would upset you. I do get it that you would want to fix it. But try to let it go. It is not your responsibility or within your control. It sounds like you have enough just dealing with your own needs and your father's.

And I absolutely agree that your sibs should return the favors you have shown them in your more prosperous times. Perhaps they are selfish. (Sounds like it.) Perhaps they see the money not for you but for your father and they want no part of that. Maybe you should ask again, being perfectly clear that you are asking for something for yourself. That might not make a difference, but it is worth a shot.

Who get the money from the farm rental?

But I'm confused again. If Dad is not incapacitated at all, and if you can leave him to do errands, why do you need someone to come in to give you a 2-hour break? Can he be left alone, or not?

As for what he expects, well, so what? You are an adult, and it sounds like a very capable, strong, and industrious adult. He expects to know who you talk to on the phone? Tough. "A friend," or "A prospective client for my business," should be enough to keep things friendly. He expects you there every minute? If it is not medically necessary that he have 24/7 care, then that is not a realistic expectation nor one you need to fulfill. You are his adult daughter, not an indentured servant. You have generously opened your home to your father. That doesn't give him the right to take over your life. So, he gets mad. Surely you've survived his anger many times over the years. Let it roll off of your back.

If this is how Dad treats you, the daughter who is generously looking after him, I think I might have a sense of why your siblings do not have a good relationship with him, nor want to spend more than 5 minutes with him at Christmas. Behaviors have consequences and it seems to me Dad may be reaping what he has sown. It is sad, and I know you ache to change that, but I don't think it is within your power.

Sleeper: What can I say, you have a bunch of losers for siblings. You can let that eat you alive or you can just understand that they are what they are. Obviously, you are the one who takes people in and tries to help them. That's kind of you and I understand that it is very disappointing when the kindness is not returned.

Now a better question might be, "Why do you put yourself in these positions where you are always giving and others are always taking?' You need to look inside yourself and ask why the need to be loved is worth more than your own health and potential happiness. I don't think you feel loved by those you have sacrificed for and that is the writing on the wall. Please take time to read it and weave into your being.

I give you great credit for trying to start your home business, but it won't help you if your brain is so scrambled from seizures that you can't think straight or if they cause your death.

Sweetheart, stop being the doormat for everyone else. Set some honest boundaries and make you the priority. I hope you understand that I am saying this with love and compassion. Nevertheless, you need to do for yourself what you do for everyone else.

I do not necessarily expect money, but even just moral support, they never call him or me, never visit, even when they are in town. Helping financially would be nice but not necessary. I just know that I have been there for them each when they had troubles, and if they do call me it is only to ask a question of how to fix their cars or something involving accounting or finance plus recently I helped my brother remodel his livingroom, biggest reason being so I could see him and my nephew.

He is not incapacitated at all, just stubborn and cares only about himself most of the time, expects me to be there at all times and be able to do multiple things at once. He gets mad if I leave without telling him where I go, if I get a phone call, he expects me to tell him who I am talking too and what about while I am on the phone. As far as the oil royalties, it is once a year, and he does put it to his donut hole for medicare.

The reason I am upset with my siblings is they have each lived with me for at least a year at one time or another, and I supported them entirely. Before my seizures came back I was making great money and so I was able to do that. When I have asked for money, it would total to be just 33 a month for each of them, and only to give me a 2 hour break a week to not have to worry so much. But even a phone call would be sufficient, just to see how he is doing. This is the other thing that worries me, that they do not have a good relationship with him. Even on Christmas, my sister stopped by, but only for 5 minutes, to pick up her gift and leave.

OK. So Dad receives oil checks. Why isn't he spending this money on his care, and on supporting your effort to establish a business? I still don't understand why you expect your siblings to kick in money when Dad has some. There must be a part of this picture unexplained, and that is OK. But the partial picture is puzzling.

What you explain as your current goal is commendable and sounds pretty straight-forward. You'll do his errands once a week, on Saturdays. You describe your Dad as lazy, mouthy, and abusive, but you haven't said that he is mentally incapacitated. So surely he can understand, "I'll do your errands on Saturday. Make me a list, please." And then do your errands on Saturday. If you have a list from him, do his. No list, no errands this week. What is the problem or question about this?

It sounds like you are really on the way to getting on your feet and to be independent. Great! Keep up working toward your goals. It appears as if you can't count on your siblings for help. You should certainly be able to count on your father to at least support himself. Your help to him should not put you in debt, if he has the means to pay is own way.

Please listen to your doctors and take care of your health, as you appear to be taking care of other aspects of your life.

And all the best luck to you!

The situation with the assets is that they are in an irrevocable living trust currently, not just a revocable living trust. The irrevocable living trust was set up by my great grandmother and the others by my grandfather. It is farm ground, some that is rented out for farming, the other has oil wells which he receives oil checks.

I personally am not concerned about inheriting anything, I could care less what I were to get. Currently the reason that I get so stressed out is that after being diagnosed with adult ADHD and being treated for it, I have finally been trying to get back into the work force by opening my own accounting business from home as my disability does not pay enough to live on, besides I am now able to stay motivated most of the time and have been working on this for 6 months now. The trouble is that I am trying to tend to my epilepsy issues, take care of my father and run all of his errands along with mine, plus get my business going and try to locate funding for it.

This is extremely hard as I have no drivers license and have to walk, this is getting worse as I have a collapsed arch and a hairline fracture in the ball of my foot, that the ortho said was due to overuse.

My biggest issue is that my siblings make triple my income yet won't offer a thing, they don't even seem to be understanding of my own personal troubles as according to my doctors with my epilepsy being refractory, and being on a large number of medications, the statistics are that I may die from what is called SUDEP (sudden unexplained death from epilepsy).

What I am trying to do now is get him to write up a to do list so that I can do his errands on a saturday. I am telling him that since my business is officially started I have to spend the weekday hours towards work, as bookkeeping can be time consuming

Please be aware that if your father eventually has to be placed in a nursing home that his assets will be quickly eaten up. Here in Massachusetts the daily rate is $300 (or $9000 a month). I would urge you to spend his money now by hiring people to helpyou with his care. Chances are you will not come in to any inheritance.

If your father has anything to pass on in a will, why isn't he spending it now, on his own care? Why is any of this coming out of your SSDI? Why did you have to sell your possessions? I don't get that. To the extent he can, he should be paying is own way. Inheriting everything isn't going to do you any good if he outlives you. Listen to your doctors!

But the financial burden is the small part of the problem, I would guess.

Why does your family have to understand that caregiving is killing you? Why is it your job to teach them? Your siblings are going to do whatever they are going to do. Why should that stop you from doing what you have to do?

Please take charge and do what you have to do. Do not abandon your father, however difficult he is, but transfer burden of daily care to professionals. Find a suitable long term care facility for him, and visit him often. Have breakfast with him on Wednesdays, and lunch on Mondays, and take him out to a movie or for a walk in his wheelchair on Fridays ... send him funny, cheery greeting cards. Continue to show your love. But not in your house, not 24/7, and not with your own money.

Sure you hate seeing your family like that -- who wouldn't? But their behavior is not your problem. If you don't know what to do, listen to your doctor and reduce the tremendous stress load you are under, before it kills you.

You are a fine daughter, and a worthy, unique individual. You deserve good care. Please take care of yourself!