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Impassivity, anger when we try to rationalize why he should not be using heavy equipment, unrealistic decisions, obsessed about finances, and won't stop driving. I know some of this is his character, however he has become unsafe.
This is tough stuff. I'm in the middle of the same struggles with my Dad. I've learned that sometimes when things take too much effort for him he will move on. He used to keep an old farm tractor going but couldn't remember any longer how to get the old girl stared each spring and he didn't want to ask for help. So I convinced him to sell it.
He fell out of a tree about 5 years ago WITH A RUNNING CHAINSAW fir gods sake, so I disable the thing and he finally gave up on getting it started. He kept messing around with some old wiring in an outbuilding and I disconnected it so he wouldn't get killed. (We're both retired electricians). He still putzed around with it but finally gave upas it was beyond his skills to fix at this point.
My next battle will be the driving. So far he does fine, no dents, scratches and not getting lost yet but it will be ww3 when I have to take the keys.
So my strategy thus far is to fib and trick a little to keep him safe but sometimes you have no choice and have to deal with issues head on. No matter how mad elders get, some things must change or end.
But I understand each case can be different. For all I know your dad would shoot someone who took his car keys. If he's dangerous on the road, anyone can file a report to the DMV and compell him to take a driving test. Get his doc or the iCal cops to do it so you're not the bad guy.
Also, try and get control of the finances before it's too late. I spent the last 3 years trying to straighten out the mess my Dad made with his finances as his dementia got worse. Luckily I had gotten POA and signed on to his accounts while he was still slightly reasonable. Now it would be impossible to get him to sign anything.
I too would find a way to disable the saw so it just won't work. My father was the same way with his radial arm saw, even after a traumatic amputation accident. He was still using the saw this summer. Ayyyeee!
These folks just don't realize they've lost sensory and depth perception as well as common sense, so trying to rationalize isn't going to result in anything except their digging in their heels.
You have to find ways to discreetly hide, move, or render unusable these power tools.
All excellent suggestions for you. My sibs and I probably spent at least 2 years trying to get Mom to stop driving.....very active, independent and stubborn woman( 94 next month). In my case, having her Dr. tell her she had to give up driving really helped....esp. since it removed me from the "bad guy" role. Of course this only happened after she had a fender-bender in a strip mall parking lot. Luckily, just some paint scrapes. I was in the passenger seat and told Mom at least 3 times to "Stop the car!....Stop!".....Of course, afterwards, Mom told everyone that the accident was my fault because "I didn't tell her WHY to stop the car." Guess that big red truck backing out right in front you wasn't a big enough clue....right, Mom?! I would just add this: Make sure you have plans in place for other transportation before you grab the keys, disable the car, etc. In my Mom's case we had 1 person to take her shopping, another for Dr. visits (paid caregivers) and her church friends offered to give her rides to church and social outings. I also discovered a local taxi service that offered Seniors really cheap RT fares (like $5-10 dollars) for trips w/in town. I wish you the best of luck! Sorry you now find yourself a member of this "club" but you will get some excellent advice and suggestions on this site.
You know that your Dad is doing unsafe things, but your Dad will try to keep every since second of his independence no matter what.
Any chance his primary doctor could talk to him. Sometimes a parent will listen to their doctor or someone not related to the family..... why should a parent listen to us, we just the "kid".
I will try in answer all these great questions. I live with mom and dad. I have the POA and support of both siblings. There have been multiple discussions with the neurologist and PCP. I did manage to get dad onto the yearly driving test for license renewal. He refuses to participate in anything related to "head" doctoring. He has made it clear that any tampering with the tools will result in anger and he will just go and buy new ones. He spends a great deal of time in the garage and in the woods cutting up junk wood on the property. He has learned to ask for assistance before cutting down any trees. That took falling out of the tree with the saw running and dropping a limb on his head 4 weeks later. 3 stitches to his cheek and 6 staples to his head the second time.
I am currently working on my Masters in Social Work and work in a residential care facility. I have had to reduce my work hours to Per-Diem due to the demands of caring for the parents. Mom has had here share of issues this past year and needed hospitalizations, rehab, and transportation to doctors.
Thanks to everyone for the great ideas and emotional support that I am not alone.
The car is in another category in my mind from the chain saw. The car could kill other people, which means your dad shouldn't be driving if he starts to show any impairment.
But as far as the chainsaw goes, you can only do what you can do. If your dad gets hurt using the saw, you can say he was doing what he loves to do. You can't keep an adult who still has their wits (to a degree) from doing foolish things. Unless it threatens the safety of others, like driving.
I foresee a chainsaw with the spark plug removed "oh, I'll take it to get repaired" or "can I borrow it - oh, I've taken it to get repaired"....You may have to get sneaky if he won't do smart things. What does he do with the chain saw?
I agree with blannie. I'm more concerned about the driving than about the chain saw. The chain saw certainly presents risks to him, and I wish you luck in minimizing those risks.
But things like keeping guns in the house and driving present risks not only to him but to others who did not have a chance to agree to those risks.
Was it Parkinson's disease Dad was diagnosed with 8 years ago? It sounds like it has now progressed to include dementia (as it often does).You are now dealing with a new "normal" and you need to expand your caregiving toolkit to include that. Many Parkinson clinics are excellent in helping caregivers (and patients) understand this horrid disease and how to cope with it as gracefully as possible. If there isn't such a clinic in your immediate area, it might be worth travelling some to connect with one.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
He fell out of a tree about 5 years ago WITH A RUNNING CHAINSAW fir gods sake, so I disable the thing and he finally gave up on getting it started. He kept messing around with some old wiring in an outbuilding and I disconnected it so he wouldn't get killed. (We're both retired electricians). He still putzed around with it but finally gave upas it was beyond his skills to fix at this point.
My next battle will be the driving. So far he does fine, no dents, scratches and not getting lost yet but it will be ww3 when I have to take the keys.
So my strategy thus far is to fib and trick a little to keep him safe but sometimes you have no choice and have to deal with issues head on. No matter how mad elders get, some things must change or end.
But I understand each case can be different. For all I know your dad would shoot someone who took his car keys. If he's dangerous on the road, anyone can file a report to the DMV and compell him to take a driving test. Get his doc or the iCal cops to do it so you're not the bad guy.
Also, try and get control of the finances before it's too late. I spent the last 3 years trying to straighten out the mess my Dad made with his finances as his dementia got worse. Luckily I had gotten POA and signed on to his accounts while he was still slightly reasonable. Now it would be impossible to get him to sign anything.
These folks just don't realize they've lost sensory and depth perception as well as common sense, so trying to rationalize isn't going to result in anything except their digging in their heels.
You have to find ways to discreetly hide, move, or render unusable these power tools.
I would just add this: Make sure you have plans in place for other transportation before you grab the keys, disable the car, etc. In my Mom's case we had 1 person to take her shopping, another for Dr. visits (paid caregivers) and her church friends offered to give her rides to church and social outings. I also discovered a local taxi service that offered Seniors really cheap RT fares (like $5-10 dollars) for trips w/in town. I wish you the best of luck! Sorry you now find yourself a member of this "club" but you will get some excellent advice and suggestions on this site.
Any chance his primary doctor could talk to him. Sometimes a parent will listen to their doctor or someone not related to the family..... why should a parent listen to us, we just the "kid".
I am currently working on my Masters in Social Work and work in a residential care facility. I have had to reduce my work hours to Per-Diem due to the demands of caring for the parents. Mom has had here share of issues this past year and needed hospitalizations, rehab, and transportation to doctors.
Thanks to everyone for the great ideas and emotional support that I am not alone.
But as far as the chainsaw goes, you can only do what you can do. If your dad gets hurt using the saw, you can say he was doing what he loves to do. You can't keep an adult who still has their wits (to a degree) from doing foolish things. Unless it threatens the safety of others, like driving.
But things like keeping guns in the house and driving present risks not only to him but to others who did not have a chance to agree to those risks.
Was it Parkinson's disease Dad was diagnosed with 8 years ago? It sounds like it has now progressed to include dementia (as it often does).You are now dealing with a new "normal" and you need to expand your caregiving toolkit to include that. Many Parkinson clinics are excellent in helping caregivers (and patients) understand this horrid disease and how to cope with it as gracefully as possible. If there isn't such a clinic in your immediate area, it might be worth travelling some to connect with one.
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