How to take care of myself...father has dementia and is in denial.
I'm so grateful and amazed at the wonderful people here that are in a position to help others like myself. I found this site by the grace of God, and I'm so happy that I did.
As I write this, I think I may either have the flu, a cold or what not. I'm just tired of being sick and tired. My father since getting laid off, ok unfairly terminated from his job at the beginning of last year, he started chain smoking in the apartment that we lived in, he knew I had Asthma and still continued to smoke inside, sometimes he would go out on the balcony and smoke, but it didn't matter, the apartment was like an Opium Bin. He and I had never really had a great relationship growing up. Both my "parents" for lack of a better word, frankly I don't know how I'm typing this to you. Anyway, hes in his 60s and at first when I noticed his chain smoking, the filthy apartment, garbage not taken out, dirt, my sister and I our cat lived with him. Our cat wasn't taken care of, he needed to be seen by a vet, overgrown claws, there was puke everywhere, he never got brushed. Our cat was kind of overweight due to years of our unknowingly feeding him Meow Mix, never give your cats that, its garbage in their systems. My sister got him Science Diet cat food, he lost the weight, and I knew to take him off the food cause your not supposed to keep them on that. our cat was 18 years old, he passed in 2012, my "father" never took care of him, "oh that's the cat just being the cat." he would say when there were puke stains all over the carpet when I first moved in. Sometimes my "dad" would light the same cigarette over and over, his shower was disgusting, having never been cleaned properly. He had a stroke a few years back, is diabetic, high cholesterol, blood pressure. He doesn't eat the right things, since he started chain smoking last year, his mental and physical decline has gotten worse. He at least used to bathe once to twice a week, now he waits 2 weeks and I'm afraid it will be more before he takes a bath or shower,.
He's short tempered, then again hes always been, not the father I needed growing up, emotionally unavailable to my brother sisters and I, my parents both suck, put it that way. The floors never got swept, I cooked, cleaned, couldn't sleep, anxiety, which I still have. He yells at me for not making food right, got lost on our way to my brothers house.
I was making hot dogs one night for dinner and I accidentally dropped one on the floor, he goes " I will eat that one, its the 3 second rule" I knew better than to give him the hot dog on the floor. A few days before Christmas I took a shower at 1:45am that was an opps on my part, he has to pee a lot cause I think he takes water pills for his blood pressure. I'm in the shower, he goes "what are you doing? I told him I'm in the shower, almost done and would be out in a minute. He goes "hurry up, I have to pee!" since living with him, I have become agitated and lose my shat sometimes. He goes "Don't sass me!" pounding on the door, and If I didn't have it locked he would have hit me in the face. Hes always had a temper... basically there is more stuff I didn't list here, which I might, Hes looking rather frail, and I keep telling him to go to the dr. but hes stubborn and doesn't want to. I do think that if he did they would find something wrong with him, since hes declining and it seems that this disease took from last year to now, its gone so fast in it's progression.
My boyfriend was dealing with the same thing with his dad, we both come from similar not good backgrounds and are doing the beast we can with out aging narcissistic parent or parents.
I'm just so fed up and tired of doing everything, plus looking for jobs, I don't have the energy to even try anymore, I know I have been sick for a while, maybe its a combination of the mild Asthma, not sleeping well, worrying whats going to happen to thee "father" I don't drive, I did what I had to and it kind of feels like I "missed out" on getting my license when I was supposed to.
None of my sibling know whats going on nor do they care, how can you give a shat about a parent or in my case parents who abused you? Like I "want" to do this, no I don't. Here is the thing, I'm kinda feeling under the weather, and am holding off on doing anything cause "thee father" comes first and he doesn't even care that I'm sick, I pretend that everything is hunky dori when I'm pissed and want to smash something. He doesn't do much, sit in front of the t.v. all day sometimes eats junk all day, sometimes not anything at all, it depends.
I'm going to have to go to the dr. for my own well being, cause I don't think he actually sees his own daughter anymore, it's like he wants to kill himself and take me with him. my parents aren't parents more like children that I had to keep happy from an early age, I'm so over this and I just want someone to say "hey, I love you and I'm here for you. Your going to get well and be able to live life again."
If your dad is able to stay by himself while you work it might not be a bad idea to take a job, any job, just to get out of the house. When I cared for my dad in my home I took a volunteer job to get me out of the house. It was only a few hours a week but I enjoyed it. I took a volunteer position because I anticipated having to call in sick on occasion to take care of my dad and a paying job might not have been as flexible as a volunteer position.
As you probably know by now we can't change our parents behavior and to try just frustrates us and increases our anxiety. I don't know how reasonable your dad is but maybe you can ask him nicely if he can smoke outside, at least on days when the weather is decent.
I'm glad you found this site too. I know how relieved I felt when I found it.
My dad was a part-time dad and remarried when I was only 5yrs and his wife passed away 5years ago and me and my sister also look after him. He stays with my sister and she works and I have to do some day duties a few times a week. he has dementia and its not easy. he gets demanding , has a prostrate problem, and now he wont eat. We have started looking at facilities for him, he wont go, but then they are also full and quite pricey. He gets a private pension, but it doesn't seem to be adequate. Its a tough one. But for our sanity, we need to keep moving forward for our sake. We feel trapped. its tough. Look after you!
What is sad is to see our parent(s) go through anything sad or bad in their life.
No matter how our parents raise us, and no matter what kind of suffering we personally go through in our life, our parent(s) is/are still our parent(s).
My mother is 84 years of age. She was born into the world during the depression/resession period. When she was 5 years old, her mother died from illness to her brain. My mother's father needed to marry a woman real quick to take care of her and her 3 brothers. The young woman no longer wanted to live with her parents and agreed to marry my mother's father. Sad to say but my mother and her 3 brothers were badly abused all through their lives. Because of recently personally taking care of my mother and what I have experienced with her behavior, I believe my mother as a child was always having to say, "I didn't do that" just so she wouldn't receive a beating. Life got so hard financially for my mother's father and step-mother. Mother and her 3 brothers were sold to a very wealthy family. The children would never stop crying and begged to go home. The couple who bought my mother as a child and here 3 brothers returned the children back to their home and never asked to be paid back their money.
This past November 2013 my mother had a severe blackout. EMS took my mother to the hospital and mother immediatelyand started going through all kinds of test. Before mother was released from the hospital, we were told that she now has 80% blockage of the brain and the left artery from the neck to the brain now has 50% plaque. Since my mother already has dementia, 80% blockage to the brain, it is not advisable for the plaque to be removed from the left artery in her neck. I never did dream that I would ever be in a position to be a Care Giver to my mother.
Keeping everything in mind that I have just said, leads to what I am getting ready to say. First I have had to accept the fact that my mother is no longer the woman I use to know. Second, I now have to be a "good friend" not a daughter to her. Bless her heart she tries to do the best for herself without help. I don't know if you have ever seen the movie "Benjamin Button", but the elderly parent does revert to being a child/baby. Needless to say, it is very hard for any parent(s) to give up their Independence. All of us who are Care Givers at this point in our life must "put the shoes on the other foot". None of us like to give up our Independence.
What I would (highly) like to recommend to you is that you visit a web site called Care.Com. There are Care Givers in your immediate area who would be very happy to help you and the price ranges from $10.00-$25.00 depending on the required services. It has been stated many times that it is much better for our parent(s) to live at home and hopefully die there. Assisted Living provides a lot of good services, however, AL is not a lock-down facility. No one wants to place their parent(s) in a Nursing Home until the Care Giver has no other choice. Adult Protective Service to come and visit you and your father. They will tell you both what he must do to take care of himself and his living environment. They will tell both of you that if he doesn't comply with what he needs to do, he will have no other choice but to move to Ast. Liv. for his own good. Yes, your parent is going to get mad and upset. What child doesn't get mad and upset when told what they need to do. Your next step would be to search Care.Com for a Care Giver for your dad. You can try to explain to your father that you would like for a Care Giver to come and visit with him. Please note that there are male and female Care Givers. It may take a couple of times to have a Care Giver come and visit with your father, however, he might find just the right person to take care of him. Please note that Care.Com does work because I am using their service.
I don't know what your father's financial situation is such as Social Security, Pension, CDs, etc.. There is a web site for Medicare that you need to visit. You can fill out a form on line that allows you to ask Medicare questions for your father, otherwise, Medicare will not help you in any way. If your father has $2K or less, Medicare will help with expenses for your dad to live in Ast. Liv. or Nursing Home.
If your dad wants to continue living in his apt., there are services in your area that can help him. Please do your research to help your father. I understand what you are going through emotionally and physically. However, since your father is going through depression this is not a safe time to leave him on his own. I know this is all over whelming for you -- but we children must do what we need to do for our parent(s).
Because my mother has recently experienced depression, which made her very aggitated and caused her to have a high anxiety level, I had to consult with her Primary Care Physician and my mother's Health Care Whisperer and ask what med I could give her to help eliminate this depression. The med she is taking for this is called (Trazadone) and it has helped her tremendously. I have been told that at times a person's body might eventually reject accepting a certain med. Therefore, I have a name for (2) other meds for depression that I am ready to try. Both of these (2) next meds for depression have outstanding reviews: 1) Remeron; and 2) Celexa. In addition to taking a med for depression, it is very important that your father take (Daily Supplements). Some of these daily supplements may include: 1) Vitamin C for (outbursts and hysterical behavior); 2) Vitamin D (hormones); 3) Omega 3 (serontonin); 4) B Complex (mental emotions); 5) Magnesium (confusion, aggitation, anxiety, physical problems). I highly recommend any person to eat (3Tbs) of Coconut Oil on daily basis. Please note these are all just recommendations and you need to consult with your father's PCP for confirmation.
I know I have given you a lot of information to digest. As soon as you start the process to help your father for his own safety and health, the sooner you can start to help yourself. I am thankful that your male friend is there to stand by your side. This stage in our lives in being a Care Giver to our patent(s) is very difficult for us to do but we must do it. You will feel better in your heart and soul knowing that you have helped your father the best possible way that you could. I am sorry this has been a long message, however, I hope I have helped you in some way. We are Care Givers know what you are going through and our prayers and thoughts are with you. God is a very busy person, however, if you go to Him know that He will hear you and help you.