My father went into assisted living six weeks ago and what a difference! He actually likes the place. All his needs are cared for by caring competent health aides and he has made new friends. He goes swimming twice a week!
This has taken a lot of stress off me and my brother but my brother is still treating me badly. Let me give you a short history. Years ago my brother got sick across the country while travelling. The doctors did not know what was wrong. My father dropped everything and went out there and took care of my brother for two months at his expense. I put my plans on hold and took care of my father's house and his affairs when he was away. We both did this out of love for my brother. My brother got well and went on to marry a wealthy young woman. They give millions to charity every year and everyone in the community think very highly of them.
My father's house will be sold on May 1. Two weeks ago I told my brother that I would be taking the things I want from my father's house within the next two weeks. Everything needs to be out by May 1 when the house is sold. He says ok. Late last week I tell my brother I'm not feeling well and I need a few more days before I get over to my father's house. This weekend my brother calls me and tells me I need to get the things I want from my father's house out today or else it's all going in the trash. I tell him that I can't right now because I am having some serious stomach issues and I plan on going to the emergency center shortly and can it wait another day or two? He totally discounts my health issue, implies that I'm lying and says "That's it. I've given you enough time. It's going in the trash now" and then hangs up on me!
I'm feeling a little better now but not normal. I have the opportunity to move far away right now. Should I move and get away from this bad situation?
Many people here believe you are a troll who only comes to this group to get a laugh.
I believe you probably are, but today I'm feeling charitable and am going to give you the benefit of the doubt.
You have a long history here and have received scores of excellent and practical advice from the people in this group, myself included.
You have complained about how abusive your father and brother are to you in every way a person can be abused.
Now your father is in AL and you're free, except you're still sitting on the pity pot and whining about how mean your brother is.
If your father's house gets sold on May 1st, then that means any of the contents within the house become the property of the new owner.
So it's either you get in there and take what you want ot you don't.
Stop complaining and go get what you want out of the house while you're still able to.
No, you don't feel well. Work through it. People who actually have to be responsible for themselves and their lives still get on with their jobs. their kids, their education, and take care of business even when they don't feel good.
I don't feel good. In fact today, I woke up with a migraine.
I'm still at work though.
Good luck.
Right now I do not know if anything is still in the house and maybe never will.
Win, Win!
It's a very boring and tedious story.
Periodically you show up here with the same song and dance. The manipulative Dad (recall the soap returns?), the wicked brother and his witchy wife, the sister-in-law. And innocent and belittled you.
And some who don't know you, or are new to Forum, or forgot you, BITE on the bait
We give answers.
Then you give answers why our answers don't work.
Then you ask us if you should move, and as we all scramble to say "yessssssssssssss" you tell us, OK. You will. You are. That's that. Goodbye. You're out of here.
And you're gone another few months.
But. Then. Here you are again. Yanking along the "chains you forged in life" to quote Mr. Dickens.
BUT.......................BUT................................BUT (and they say the "but" cancels all that came before it) the one thing I WILL say for you, and in your favor, Lisa?????
You ALWAYS take anything we throw at you with good grace, good humor, and a gentleness of retort that surprises me.
You had no problem leaving your life when Dad said "come out here". You have lived in other countries, not easy to pick up and move there. You need to break the chain that seems to bind u to these two men. Dad is safe in his AL and brother has a wife to care for him. Its now time for you. You need to get away. Find a job outside of home.
Wherever you go, there you are. Be it San Diego or Hawaii. Moving won’t solve your psychological problems. Lisa, you’ve been here almost a year, you’re miserable, and it’s the same obsession over and over again. Because you’re in denial.
I sense in you a great need to be needed. Unfortunately, brother and father don’t feel the same. You solve nothing by ruminating on how rich his wife is. If you move to San Diego, you’ll still be ruminating on it. Moving in itself will not solve this issue, Lisa. It is in your own head.
For how long have we been saying "YES, please move away".
And last you wrote did you not tell us that indeed you WERE moving away?
WHY or why oh why would you expect your brother to like you any better than he has liked you all this time?
PLEASE EVERYONE
Read Lisa long long history here on the Forum.
I think you might find it useful to arrange for some mental health/therapy sessions for you.
I think meeting with an objective, trained professional could do wonders for your outlook and how you live your life, going forward.
It might be helpful if you started focusing on what you want out of life for yourself.
You have expressed that you feel slighted and you’re upset about being alone. I am quite sure that this is painful for you.
You have absolutely no control over how your family members think or feel. None, zero, zip, zilch, nada!
So, try to let go of the past. If you can’t do this on your own, seek therapy to help you find the tools needed to overcome being stuck.
How do you wish to view yourself? Does your brother’s opinion matter more to you than your own opinion of yourself?
The truth is that he is entitled to feel however he chooses, regardless of whether he is right or wrong. You are free to do the same.
I hope that you will find peace in the days ahead. You have experienced enough grief and deserve to be happy now.
If you are seeking a relationship with your family one day. then you have to leave the door open for healthy communication.
If you appear to be on edge and are extremely defensive with your responses, most people will not react the way that you would like them to.
They will feel that it is a waste of their time to try to have a meaningful conversation. No one likes to be remembered for the last crappy thing that they may have done.
I prefer panoramic or even spectacular locations, like by the sea, with mild climates or at least not cold or blazing hot. Where many of the people who are "in the know" about healthy living, about the world and have good taste in things and have good manners.
On the other hand being nearby to my father is priceless and it is very healthy for me. I could ask him if he would move to where I would go but that would be a major undertaking right now and would disturb his medical care which is still being sorted out. Possibly in the future as he gets stronger, and he's getting stronger day by day it seems. On the other hand I could in theory live where I want for like 6 months and come back for 6 months. I would have to plan that out but it may be possible.